SMS Musing #16

In between lucidity:

If I claim that I'm a musician foremost, then what is it that I stand for? Or rather, what have I done to further that direction that is my self assigned identity?

I have refused to get the necessary grading as a matter of principle, yet that is the bare minimum for entry to the music making fraternity. I don't cultivate a strong online presence that is effectively mandatory for the modern musician for self promotion. I'm not racing to the most prestigious competitions or performance venues to establish the kind of street cred that is expected. And I don't even do the most important thing that many musicians do---teach.

So what am I doing then?

Marching primarily to my own beat, playing music that is somewhat incomprehensible to many because it has "too many styles", like the kind of poly-linguistic potpourri that Finnegans Wake epitomises. I think I mentioned how my dizi dealer was telling me in an off-handed comment that I was playing to many different kinds of music to the point that I seem to have lost my roots (context is from the noodling that I was doing with the new pieces of dizi that I was picking up from him).

But do I really care? I somehow don't think so. As time goes by, I find myself being drawn towards using music to express myself, a short of sonic expression of the writing that I do ever do often. For the past few months, I find myself just noodling free style during the half hour before rehearsal time for Chinese Orchestra, as opposed to playing through the various solo pieces that were notated for the dizi. I still run through etudes every now and then, but the freestyling is more dominant.

It's so dominant to the point that I wonder if I'm missing something without realising. It's hard to say, really. In the old days, I can at least ask Chara, but now, who can I ask? Perhaps only others will know---I sure as hell don't.