What a nice and quiet day.
I spent a little bit of time reworking a little on the blurbs that appear at the top and bottom of my blogs to make them less awkward sounding---I hope that I have achieved my goals through the adjustments.
I had also spent a little bit of time watching this introductory video on medieval recorder music, and certain rather interesting thoughts came to me, specifically, the part concerning the use of finger-based articulations over tongue-based articulations. Emily [in the video] pointed out that there were times where she would naturally resort to using finger articulations instead of tongue articulations for instruments that are generally ``always going on'', like the bag pipes (it is impossible to actually use tongue articulations since the purpose of the mouth is to replenish the bag of air via the one-way valve). These finger articulations are a cross between a mini-trill or some kind of mordent, and are most obvious when trying to separate out two notes of the same pitch. She also pointed out that more often than not, she is playing legato/slurred, and thus the finger articulations act as a way of keeping the legato playing while still allowing some distinction of the notes that are played.
In 笛子 technique, the so-called 南派 (southern style) 曲笛 playing uses lots of 打音 and 叠音 to articulate notes (for the gory details, do consider reading this section of my article). Noticeably, there is a severe lack of tongue-based techniques like 吐音, or anything that causes a severe ``break'' for the matter. Prior to the introduction of the G 大笛 (ambitus being roughly the same as the baroque flute), the largest 笛子 were of the 曲笛 range, i.e. about a fourth interval higher than the concert flute. At that ``low'' range, it was stylistically better to keep things in legato due to the less crisp nature of the tone.
I just found it interesting that a similar argument could be made for the restriction of techniques as part of a stylistic choice. Of course, these days under the 新派 concept of using the entire 笛子 family as a unified whole, there is hardly any restrictions of the sort any more. Bear in mind that back in the day, the 笛子 was not taken to be a virtuosic instrument---it was primarily an accompanying instrument for opera, and almost all instruments play about an octave higher [in general] compared to that of the more modern Western music tradition. It is interesting to note that the recorder family is one that is also treated similarly as the 笛子, with their actual pitches one octave higher than what is annotated. To say that there is some relationship between 笛子 and recorder is probably a mild understatement.
Anyway, that was roughly what I was thinking about for quite a bit.
------
In other news, European Speedrunner Assembly (ESA) Winter 2021 is currently in session, and I have been taking time here and there in between the [light] reading and The Outer Worlds to watch a run or two here and there. Of note is the runner Juh0rse---he is a fellow Singaporean, and his Minecraft Any % (1.16, Random Seed, Glitchless) run is hilariously painful [for him] and fun [for us] to watch. I've caught him on ESA Marathons before; he was mostly speedrunning horror games, and Bishi Bashi.
Which of course brings me to something fun: speedrunning. The short technical description of speedrunning is the process of getting from the start state of the program (game) to a determined end state of the program (like winning/ending screen) using nothing more than what the program provides (like only providing input from the controller, keyboard, or mouse, without using any external programs to assist), in as short a time as possible. Of course, it is more fun than that because the said program is a game, and there is usually nice graphics, sound/music, and hilarious artefacts to observe as well. But don't let the fun get in the way of what speedrunning is---it is a fun way of defining the type of hacker attitude necessary for software testing. Much of the techniques used in speedrunning can often be translated into some kind of software test technique or attack vector, with an understanding that it is much stricter because the gentlemen rules of speedrunning only allows input from what is normally allowed, i.e. one cannot do hardware re-soldering, or run some kind of ``trainer'' program. The ingenuity of the speedrunners in finding glitches and exploits that can be humanly executed is what makes it a most fun sport for me.
I would say that my introduction to the speedrunning sport is from the Games Done Quick (GDQ) series of charity marathons.
I have been following the GDQ series of marathons from back in 2011 when it was still run by Speed Demos Archive and Speedruns Live, complete with their own IRC channel on Freenode (#sdamarathon). In the early days, when I was still studying in the US, I even donated some money too, and would have Elyse running the live stream while I was working on Eileen. The GDQs then were more informal and friendly, and I loved the Midnight Crew, the unofficial title for all those on the graveyard (relative to the on-site time zone) shift. The graveyard shift then was fun because a more adult-friendly atmosphere was allowed; I don't mean gratuitous sex and violence, but more candid banter than would include some mild swears here and there as needed.
But as the marathons got larger, they got more organised, and from the organisation, corporate structures were put in place, and various things that were normal from the old cosy format was no longer allowed.
It gave GDQs a good polish of professionalism, but in the process, seemed to nullify its grassroots origin a little.
But ESA marathons are still small in comparison and still retain that charm.
In either case, I no longer watch them live that much, partly because I'm getting older and have things that need to be done in between that disallow marathoning, and partly because... well... it's been ten years, or nearly twenty GDQ marathons. I won't say that I've seen them all, but I have seen a lot. As such, I'm a little more discerning on which runs to catch and which to skip, and have found it easier to handle things in a more bite-sized fashion.
Alright, enough of a brain dump for today. Till the next update.
Showing posts with label eileen. Show all posts
Showing posts with label eileen. Show all posts
Friday, February 19, 2021
Saturday, July 25, 2020
Eileen-II and Other Stories
To say that the past week-and-a-half is a roller coaster is a bit of a cliché, but it is an unfortunate consequence of my lack of imagination in the use of the English language. Let's see what I can say here today.
I've bought a new 22-inch 16:9 monitor from Dell (P2219H) that can swivel, and is primarily set up to be vertical in nature. No name for this device, though it can technically be called ``Eirian-V'' since its role is similar to the Eirian series of devices---but I'm not going to. The problem I was facing was the reading of certain PDF forms of e-books that had the two-column layout. On a normal screen, no matter what resolution and dimension, if we keep it in the usual landscape format, each column ends up taking up at most one quarter of the screen by width. It is basically unreadable. What I needed was something that had more physical dimension in the height department. I could get a tablet like Eirian-III, but I didn't want to have to lug it around with my hands just to read the document---I have grown used to the smaller form factor. Eirian-IV has superior pitch density, but even then, it can be a challenge to read really tiny text that was supposed to be ``normal sized'' in a more traditional A4/letter sized setting. And so, the monitor was obtained.
Edythe-III is still hale and hearty, but her 3-year warranty is almost up. And if the behaviour of Edythe-II was of any indication, it was clear that I needed to get a replacement soonish. At the same time, Elysie-II was starting to become a little... unstable, partly because of age, partly because of hardware (old school spindle HDD), partly because of software (Windows 7), and partly because of circumstance (it was hard/impossible to head out to the venerable Sim Lim Square to source for parts, with the COVID-19 pandemic raging and stores closing left and right). So I decided to spend a little more than what I had originally saved for and get a new iteration of Eileen, now known as Eileen-II.
So, what's Eileen-II?
She's an Alienware m15 R3, with an Intel i7-10750H processor (6-core, 12MB cache, up to 5.1GHz with Turbo Boost), 32GB DDR4 RAM at 2666MHz, and an Nvidia GeForce RTX 2070 Super 8GB DDR6 discrete graphics card. Her screen is 15.6" (1920×1080) with a refresh rate of 144Hz, and her storage is a 1TB SSD.
Her specs are on par with Elysie-II in many ways, except for a slightly better parallelisation capability with 50% more cores and a faster secondary storage, and a much more portable form factor (laptop vs desktop). She's pretty portable for a stronk person like me, but I think I may actually need to use the provided carrier bag instead of whatever I had---she is a little larger than the 13" laptops that I have.
For a portable machine running the specs like the beast that is Elysie-II, Eileen-II runs surprisingly cool. Let's hope this continues.
------
On more different matters, it had been quite trying for the past week-and-a-half. Work had some extra certification thing that needed to be done to address a tender, and I was tasked to get it with a colleague. The whole process was a little harrowing, partly because the item that we were getting certification on wasn't exactly directly aligned with my interests/area of work/domain of expertise per se, and partly because of the super shortened duration we had to actually prepare for it, even though we managed the expectations of that to have two attempts instead of the one that was originally envisioned. Then there was the need to book a time slot to actually take the certification exam---it had to be online proctored, and the only time slot that fit the original planned schedule was at six in the morning (or any time between three and six in the morning in roughly fifteen-minute intervals). Thankfully it is now over; well it had been over since the Wednesday just passed. I passed by the grace of God---the score I had was exactly the one needed to pass, no more and no less. Just to be clear, this was one of those exams that the passing grade was a ``high'' percentage that was not fifty percent.
The Friday before, I had a near breakdown. I don't know why---suddenly I felt completely useless for some reason. I felt as though I would just fade away if I didn't pay attention to myself. I think I was just overwhelmed with the stress of not willfully failing that certification exam, and the combined stresses of a general lack of coping mechanisms (no Chinese Orchestra rehearsals, no meet ups with friends, no more confidante in general) with additional social stresses (what is the new norm for me now that I am a believer, am without a wife-to-be-candidate, basically having my life rewritten to the past) meant that I just sort of lost sense of where I was. I mean, yes, I'm a believer now, I know God is with me because I've chosen to walk with Him in my life, but I'm still a neophyte in the ways of Christ, and more importantly, I'm still a mortal.
Given all that I felt, I did something pretty uncharacteristic; I posted a plea for reassurance on my ``wall'' in Facebook.
I am really heartened by the responses that came in. Friends, colleagues, and even acquaintances started coming out of the wood work to send me private messages, asking my well-being, and giving me really positive encouragement that I had indeed impacted their lives in a positive way during the times when we were walking closer together than now.
I teared up. I tear up still. I wasn't expecting all that love and concern to come in like that. Don't ask me why---I don't know. I've never really had these kinds of feelings before.
It definitely helped ground me back into reality. That I was, and am here.
------
On yet another note, I've also bought some Oval-8 finger splits by 3-point products. They are for my two pinky fingers---they have a mild form of swan neck deformity. They only show up when I need to be playing the dizi or when I'm going for the pinky-notes of the right hand (instrument C♯, C, B), in which case it is bad. Most of the time I don't have to actually ``stretch'' my fingers, but under those circumstances highlighted, I have to, and it is a problem. The Oval-8 finger splits block the middle joint from bending backwards, which allows me to safely stretch out the pinky without jamming the joint up. It is super useful. I first learnt of them at the Flute Forum on Facebook, and bought mine from Fu Kang, a Singapore company.
And that's about it for now. Till the next update I suppose.
I've bought a new 22-inch 16:9 monitor from Dell (P2219H) that can swivel, and is primarily set up to be vertical in nature. No name for this device, though it can technically be called ``Eirian-V'' since its role is similar to the Eirian series of devices---but I'm not going to. The problem I was facing was the reading of certain PDF forms of e-books that had the two-column layout. On a normal screen, no matter what resolution and dimension, if we keep it in the usual landscape format, each column ends up taking up at most one quarter of the screen by width. It is basically unreadable. What I needed was something that had more physical dimension in the height department. I could get a tablet like Eirian-III, but I didn't want to have to lug it around with my hands just to read the document---I have grown used to the smaller form factor. Eirian-IV has superior pitch density, but even then, it can be a challenge to read really tiny text that was supposed to be ``normal sized'' in a more traditional A4/letter sized setting. And so, the monitor was obtained.
Edythe-III is still hale and hearty, but her 3-year warranty is almost up. And if the behaviour of Edythe-II was of any indication, it was clear that I needed to get a replacement soonish. At the same time, Elysie-II was starting to become a little... unstable, partly because of age, partly because of hardware (old school spindle HDD), partly because of software (Windows 7), and partly because of circumstance (it was hard/impossible to head out to the venerable Sim Lim Square to source for parts, with the COVID-19 pandemic raging and stores closing left and right). So I decided to spend a little more than what I had originally saved for and get a new iteration of Eileen, now known as Eileen-II.
So, what's Eileen-II?
She's an Alienware m15 R3, with an Intel i7-10750H processor (6-core, 12MB cache, up to 5.1GHz with Turbo Boost), 32GB DDR4 RAM at 2666MHz, and an Nvidia GeForce RTX 2070 Super 8GB DDR6 discrete graphics card. Her screen is 15.6" (1920×1080) with a refresh rate of 144Hz, and her storage is a 1TB SSD.
Her specs are on par with Elysie-II in many ways, except for a slightly better parallelisation capability with 50% more cores and a faster secondary storage, and a much more portable form factor (laptop vs desktop). She's pretty portable for a stronk person like me, but I think I may actually need to use the provided carrier bag instead of whatever I had---she is a little larger than the 13" laptops that I have.
For a portable machine running the specs like the beast that is Elysie-II, Eileen-II runs surprisingly cool. Let's hope this continues.
------
On more different matters, it had been quite trying for the past week-and-a-half. Work had some extra certification thing that needed to be done to address a tender, and I was tasked to get it with a colleague. The whole process was a little harrowing, partly because the item that we were getting certification on wasn't exactly directly aligned with my interests/area of work/domain of expertise per se, and partly because of the super shortened duration we had to actually prepare for it, even though we managed the expectations of that to have two attempts instead of the one that was originally envisioned. Then there was the need to book a time slot to actually take the certification exam---it had to be online proctored, and the only time slot that fit the original planned schedule was at six in the morning (or any time between three and six in the morning in roughly fifteen-minute intervals). Thankfully it is now over; well it had been over since the Wednesday just passed. I passed by the grace of God---the score I had was exactly the one needed to pass, no more and no less. Just to be clear, this was one of those exams that the passing grade was a ``high'' percentage that was not fifty percent.
The Friday before, I had a near breakdown. I don't know why---suddenly I felt completely useless for some reason. I felt as though I would just fade away if I didn't pay attention to myself. I think I was just overwhelmed with the stress of not willfully failing that certification exam, and the combined stresses of a general lack of coping mechanisms (no Chinese Orchestra rehearsals, no meet ups with friends, no more confidante in general) with additional social stresses (what is the new norm for me now that I am a believer, am without a wife-to-be-candidate, basically having my life rewritten to the past) meant that I just sort of lost sense of where I was. I mean, yes, I'm a believer now, I know God is with me because I've chosen to walk with Him in my life, but I'm still a neophyte in the ways of Christ, and more importantly, I'm still a mortal.
Given all that I felt, I did something pretty uncharacteristic; I posted a plea for reassurance on my ``wall'' in Facebook.
I am really heartened by the responses that came in. Friends, colleagues, and even acquaintances started coming out of the wood work to send me private messages, asking my well-being, and giving me really positive encouragement that I had indeed impacted their lives in a positive way during the times when we were walking closer together than now.
I teared up. I tear up still. I wasn't expecting all that love and concern to come in like that. Don't ask me why---I don't know. I've never really had these kinds of feelings before.
It definitely helped ground me back into reality. That I was, and am here.
------
On yet another note, I've also bought some Oval-8 finger splits by 3-point products. They are for my two pinky fingers---they have a mild form of swan neck deformity. They only show up when I need to be playing the dizi or when I'm going for the pinky-notes of the right hand (instrument C♯, C, B), in which case it is bad. Most of the time I don't have to actually ``stretch'' my fingers, but under those circumstances highlighted, I have to, and it is a problem. The Oval-8 finger splits block the middle joint from bending backwards, which allows me to safely stretch out the pinky without jamming the joint up. It is super useful. I first learnt of them at the Flute Forum on Facebook, and bought mine from Fu Kang, a Singapore company.
And that's about it for now. Till the next update I suppose.
Thursday, February 02, 2017
Goodbye Eirian-III
I've had Eirian-III for quite a while now, and it is with great sadness that I'll have to retire this tablet.
I've had Eirian-III since January 2013, and she had always been my go-to for any of the coloured stuff and comics. Each time I travelled, it was Eirian-III that I lugged along instead of Edythe, Elyse or Eileen. Much good times were had.
But today, it was deemed the day where Eirian-III has to be retired. Her battery wouldn't charge, and upon closer examination, was already swelling up, a sign that things weren't going well.
And so, retired she shall be.
I'll always remember the times that Eirian-III had provided me with much needed entertainment that cannot be gleaned from the ``pure'' e-ink readers that her sisters were (Eirian, Eirian-II and Eirian-IV). Much fun was had watching Twitch streams on her as well. And geocaching with tools running on her, including oversized maps that make it easy to look ahead.
It will all be consigned to the past now.
Will I get a replacement for Eirian-III? I don't know, and I don't really think so. While great, Eirian-III has never been my standard workhorse---she ran stock Google Android with all its... flaws. Her coloured LCD was great for comics, but I'm no rabid comic devourer. She did follow me through great works like Neil Gaiman's Sandman, One Thousand Nights and A Night, Watchmen and V for Vendetta, not to mention my own compendium of web comics for easy reading. But are those enough reasons to consider getting a replacement? I don't think so.
So to my faithful device, thank you for your service, and thank you for your patience with a fool like me. Your absence will be felt in time to come.
I've had Eirian-III since January 2013, and she had always been my go-to for any of the coloured stuff and comics. Each time I travelled, it was Eirian-III that I lugged along instead of Edythe, Elyse or Eileen. Much good times were had.
But today, it was deemed the day where Eirian-III has to be retired. Her battery wouldn't charge, and upon closer examination, was already swelling up, a sign that things weren't going well.
And so, retired she shall be.
I'll always remember the times that Eirian-III had provided me with much needed entertainment that cannot be gleaned from the ``pure'' e-ink readers that her sisters were (Eirian, Eirian-II and Eirian-IV). Much fun was had watching Twitch streams on her as well. And geocaching with tools running on her, including oversized maps that make it easy to look ahead.
It will all be consigned to the past now.
Will I get a replacement for Eirian-III? I don't know, and I don't really think so. While great, Eirian-III has never been my standard workhorse---she ran stock Google Android with all its... flaws. Her coloured LCD was great for comics, but I'm no rabid comic devourer. She did follow me through great works like Neil Gaiman's Sandman, One Thousand Nights and A Night, Watchmen and V for Vendetta, not to mention my own compendium of web comics for easy reading. But are those enough reasons to consider getting a replacement? I don't think so.
So to my faithful device, thank you for your service, and thank you for your patience with a fool like me. Your absence will be felt in time to come.
Wednesday, October 03, 2012
NVIDIA Optimus BSOD
If you own an Alienware m11xR2 like Eileen, and are playing Torchlight II with frequent blue screen of deaths after around 20 to 40 minutes of game time, there is a fix for this. According to the pooled sources that I have found, this is related to the shader clocks being on the high side. A working solution is to download MSI Afterburner, enable the ``Legacy GUI'', and shift the clock speed of the shader down by around 50MHz. I usually run this tool after launching Torchlight II to ensure that I am indeed running on the NVIDIA GT 335m graphics card as opposed to the integrated one.
After quitting the game, I always reset the clock rates. No harm doing that, really.
After quitting the game, I always reset the clock rates. No harm doing that, really.
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Elyse in Precise
So, the last time that I wrote here, I talked about showing how Elyse looks like with Precise Pangolin. Here is a screen shot of her:
Lovely, isn't it?
Of course what you are seeing is not the ``stock'' installation---there were some things that I had to tweak to make sure that things worked out the way I want them to be. Now that I am a little more cognitively associated (wasn't so on Saturday due to the massive amounts of crashing that I had to do due to my horrendous sleep habits from the previous week), let me try to catalogue some of the changes that I did with the stock installation of Xubuntu 12.04.
Alright, till the next post.
[Ed: Since the post I realised that the PPA for Skype was unnecessary. Enabling the ``Canonical Partners'' repository and then doing
Of course what you are seeing is not the ``stock'' installation---there were some things that I had to tweak to make sure that things worked out the way I want them to be. Now that I am a little more cognitively associated (wasn't so on Saturday due to the massive amounts of crashing that I had to do due to my horrendous sleep habits from the previous week), let me try to catalogue some of the changes that I did with the stock installation of Xubuntu 12.04.
- The installation uses 3 partitions---Ext2 for the O/S itself, Ext4 for /home/*, and one swap partition that is 2GiB, about half the amount of RAM Elyse has.
- The usual stuff that I like to have (i.e. C/C++, python, LaTeX, vim) are also installed. One new addition: explicit installation of numpy and scipy.
- Altered ~/.config/Terminal/terminalrc to undo the fubared colour scheme that came on default for the console---I like my default ANSI colours thankyouverymuch. If I remember correctly, all I did was just to delete the lines containing the special palette colours that were set up.
- Added the PPA for
Skype(Enable the ``Canonical Partners'' repository and use that one instead since the PPA for Skype is broken) and Chrome and possibly Dropbox. - Oh, remap the keyboard's caps lock key by editing /etc/default/keyboardto read as
XKBMODEL="pc105" XKBLAYOUT="us" XKBVARIANT="" XKBOPTIONS="ctrl:nocaps"
Yes, it does a little more than remapping the caps lock key to control, but sure. - Oh, if it is not obvious enough, set the terminal font to GNU unifont. I used to like really tiny fonts to see more, but then I realise that having a wider variety of viewable glyphs was more useful than reading too many things on screen. In fact, this is partly the reason why I update Eileen to the newest version of PuTTy---it allows the use of ``proportional width'' fonts for the terminal. This means that a pan-unicode font like GNU Unifont that has both single and double-width characters is usable.
Alright, till the next post.
[Ed: Since the post I realised that the PPA for Skype was unnecessary. Enabling the ``Canonical Partners'' repository and then doing
sudo apt-get install skype works as expected.]
Saturday, May 12, 2012
Precise Pangolin
This has been a rather long week, what with all the double-time that I have been taking just to keep on top of things. I think that have been pretty uncomfortably drained this semester, and now that the classes are over, I will be able to get back into doing what I like best, which is actually solving problems.
Kinda sad how things are huh...
Anyway, on to less sobering news. Now that Xubuntu 12.04 LTS ``Precise Pangolin'' is out, it is time to take it out on a spin. After discussing with myself for quite a while, I've decided that Elyse should be wiped out and reinstalled with a full partition of Xubuntu. Really, I don't use the XP partition that much anymore, not since I have Eileen with all her bells and whistles. Keeping the components on the XP partition up to date was starting to be too much of chore, and seeing that I actually use the Linux environment more these days just made it the right choice to switch over the Xubuntu completely.
So, first impressions on the Precise Pangolin on Elyse. For one, the theme is too damn dark for my liking. I'm going to stick with it for a while, but if I don't like what I see, it's going to go back to the light coloured theme that I had used earlier. What irked me the most was the fscking of the terminal colour template, like, seriously. None of the ``standard'' 16 colours, all kinds of random shades... how it it usable?
I will try to put up some screen shots when I feel more cognitively alert. I need to catch up on some sleep for now. Till next time.
Kinda sad how things are huh...
Anyway, on to less sobering news. Now that Xubuntu 12.04 LTS ``Precise Pangolin'' is out, it is time to take it out on a spin. After discussing with myself for quite a while, I've decided that Elyse should be wiped out and reinstalled with a full partition of Xubuntu. Really, I don't use the XP partition that much anymore, not since I have Eileen with all her bells and whistles. Keeping the components on the XP partition up to date was starting to be too much of chore, and seeing that I actually use the Linux environment more these days just made it the right choice to switch over the Xubuntu completely.
So, first impressions on the Precise Pangolin on Elyse. For one, the theme is too damn dark for my liking. I'm going to stick with it for a while, but if I don't like what I see, it's going to go back to the light coloured theme that I had used earlier. What irked me the most was the fscking of the terminal colour template, like, seriously. None of the ``standard'' 16 colours, all kinds of random shades... how it it usable?
I will try to put up some screen shots when I feel more cognitively alert. I need to catch up on some sleep for now. Till next time.
Monday, December 12, 2011
Trapped
Funny how when I'm ``trapped'' in my apartment/room I actually have so much to talk about on my blogs. Actually, come to think of it, it isn't really funny but quite sad, and is probably systematic in terms of what it entails. It is not that I don't want to be in the office/lab to get stuff done---it's cold out, I'm running out of clothes because of a lack of laundry time and I have a nice set up at home that allows me to work from the relative comfort of the apartment. The only caveat is that I don't really get to exercise my vocal cords nor social skills, but it is a small price to pay compared to having to dress up and cycling in the cold towards the office/lab.
My place suffered a drop in power yesterday, which promptly knocked out Elyse since I didn't load a battery in her. Eileen worked fine only because her battery is always inside, so I can't do what I usually do with batteries---take them out so that they don't ``overcharge'' (note: lithium batteries cannot overcharge because of the protective circuitry in place). So now, as a type of UPS, I stuff Elyse with the bay battery when she's on. Weird that such a thing happens though.
With the shortening of the daylight hours and the relatively horrible positioning of the dinner table/work table with respect to the only light in the living room, I'm so glad I bought a desk lamp. Now I can actually be up and do things and hopefully make progress.
Anyway, sleepy time. Till the next rant.
My place suffered a drop in power yesterday, which promptly knocked out Elyse since I didn't load a battery in her. Eileen worked fine only because her battery is always inside, so I can't do what I usually do with batteries---take them out so that they don't ``overcharge'' (note: lithium batteries cannot overcharge because of the protective circuitry in place). So now, as a type of UPS, I stuff Elyse with the bay battery when she's on. Weird that such a thing happens though.
With the shortening of the daylight hours and the relatively horrible positioning of the dinner table/work table with respect to the only light in the living room, I'm so glad I bought a desk lamp. Now I can actually be up and do things and hopefully make progress.
Anyway, sleepy time. Till the next rant.
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Tired Rant
It's late at night, and looks like it just me, an imaginary tequila, and my trusty Eileen with which I use to write all these things here. To be had, I have actually been doing a lot of observing in between all these posts, and I suppose it is time to just unload the entire barrage of words here to cleanse it out of my mind.
V guvax V nz fgnegvat gb unir n cubovn gbjneqf gur ragver pbaprcg bs vagvzngr eryngvbafuvcf. V qba'g zvaq unatvat bhg jvgu crbcyr, pbzcyrgr fgenatref rira, ohg jura vg pbzrf gb npghnyyl orvat jvgu n pbhcyr bs crbcyr V xabj jryy rabhtu, V fgneg gb ybfr sbphf ba jung vf ng unaq, naq fgneg gb eha bhg bs guvatf gb fnl, juvpu, vs lbh unir xabja zr sebz n cerivbhf yvsr, vf fbzrguvat gung vf dhvgr vzcbffvoyr gb fdhner jvgu. V'z abg ernyyl pregnva jul guvf cubovn vf pbzvat hc, ohg nf hfhny, V unir n srj gurbevrf.
Gurbel ahzore bar vf gung vg vf n qrsrafr zrpunavfz gung V unir orra erylvat ba gb xrrc zr fnar rire fvapr zl rkrf oebxr hc jvgu zr arneyl n lrne cyhf onpx (jbj, vg fher vf ybat ntb). Fgnegrq gb abg frr gur arrq sbe gung fb-pnyyrq ``fvtavsvpnag bgure'', naq gung cebonoyl genafsbezrq vagb n trareny ncngul gbjneqf guvf jubyr zrff.
Gurbel ahzore gjb vf gung V nz fbzrjung nssrpgrq ol gur crbcyr naq gurve eryngvbafuvcf nebhaq zr, naq ernyvfr gung na vagvzngr eryngvbafuvc vf whfg fbzrguvat gung V pnaabg or vaibyirq va. Zbfg bs gur crbcyr jubz V frr jub ner va fgnoyr eryngvbafuvcf graq gb unir gur birenyy srryvat bs bireg obevatarff---gurer vf uneqyl nal rkhorenag ernpgvbaf, yvggyr fcbagnarbhf npgvba, enaqbz urnegl ynhtugre naq gur yvxr. Abar, anqn. Vg'f nyy fb... dhvrg naq nqhyg-yvxr---rirelbar frrzf gb or fb frevbhf nyy gur qnza gvzr. Vs lbh nfx zr, vs guvf vf jung orvat va n eryngvbafuvc vf nyy nobhg, V guvax V'q engure or qrnq guna gb or pnhtug va fhpu n ynpxyhfger fvghngvba bs snxr znghevgl; V nz ol angher zber vadhvfvgvir naq fcbagnarbhf, naq vs lbh jnag zr gb or punvarq gb n dhvrg yvggyr yvsr, vg whfg vfa'g tbvat gb unccra.
Gurbel ahzore guerr vf gung V unir fgnegrq gb frr ubj nyy gurfr vagvzngr eryngvbafuvcf pna tb jebat, naq gur nsgrezngu gurl oevat. V haqrejrag n pbhcyr bs oernx hcf ba zl bja, fb V'z jryy njner bs gur xvaqf bs fvqr rssrpgf gurer. Ohg gura gurer ner gubfr jub qvibeprq nsgre fbzr gvzr va zneevntr, naq gurer ner gubfr jub frrz gb unir ceboyrzf va gurve zneevntr qhr gb n fhccbfrq ybfvat bs gur fb-pnyyrq ``fcnex''. Frrzf gb zr gung guvf jubyr vagvzngr eryngvbafuvc guvat vf whfg n snepr bs fbegf.
Gurbel ahzore sbhe vf gung V guvax V nz, va trareny, orpbzvat zber naq zber nagvfbpvny va angher. Nyernql V svaq zlfrys tenivgngvat njnl sebz uhzna pbagnpg, naq rira va gur pnfrf jurer V qb unir pbagnpg jvgu bgure crbcyr, V unir xrcg gur gjb fcurerf bs crefbany naq ohfvarff snveyl pyrne sebz rnpu bgure. Gur trareny ynpx bs n ``crefbany'' fvqr vf nyfb yvxryl gb or gur ernfba jul V nz svaqvat gur jubyr vqrn bs na vagvzngr eryngvbafuvc zrnavatyrff, naq bs pbhefr vg ornef erzvaqvat gung ``vagvzngr eryngvbafuvc'' urer zrnaf zber guna whfg oblsevraq-tveysevraq eryngvbafuvcf---vg vapyhqrf sevraqfuvcf nf jryy.
Gurbel ahzore svir vf gung zl fb-pnyyrq sevraqf unir qevsgrq shegure njnl sebz zr. Nyy gur sbyxf jubz V unq bapr pnyyrq zl ``oebgure'' be ``orfg sevraq'' ner ab ybatre va pbagnpg jvgu zr, naq rira jura jr qb zrrg naq gnyx, vg vf uvtuyl fhcresvpvny, jvgu zr hapbafpvbhfyl gheavat ba gur fanex naq qbqtvat nalguvat gung vf ersreevat gb zr. Uryy, ng guvf cbvag V nz qnevat rabhtu gb pynvz gung V qba'g ernyyl unir nalbar jubz V pbasvqr va nalzber---gurer ner gubfr jub vtaber zr, gubfr jub bhgevtug ner naablrq ng zr rabhtu gung V zvtug pbafvqre ungr, naq gubfr jubfr yvirf unir pnhtug hc jvgu gurz gb gur cbvag gung gurl whfg arrq gb qrny jvgu gurz vafgrnq bs gnyxvat jvgu zr. Sbe gur ynfg-zbfg glcr bs crefba, vg vf cnegyl zl snhyg, orpnhfr V qba'g ernyyl unir nalguvat gb fnl/jnag gb fnl nalguvat nobhg zlfrys ng nyy.
Ng guvf cbvag, nyy V unir ner gurbevrf ba jung vf tbvat ba, ohg V qba'g ernyyl xabj jung gur urpx vf jebat jvgu zr. Znlor V'z birejbexrq/birefgerffrq nf jung Ivpgbe fnvq, be znlor V'z whfg gheavat vagb n qbhpuront jvgubhg npgviryl ernyvfvat vg. Ohg jungrire vg vf, vg jbhyq nccrne gung V'z snfg trggvat zl jvfu bs tbvat vg nybar---zhpu bs gur jbeyq unf nyernql sbefnxra zr, naq V'z abg ernyyl nyy gung rntre gb tnva onpx nyy gung V unir fhccbfrqyl ybfg, sbe fbzr qnza ernfba.
Fbzrgvzrf V jbaqre gb zlfrys, vs rirelguvat gung V unir qbar fb sne vf ernyyl jbegu vg ng gur raq. Rnpu gvzr n qnl cnffrf, V svaq gung zl ybsgvre vqrnyf sebz gur cnfg ner snfg rebqvat njnl. V bapr gubhtug gung zl nvz va yvsr jnf gb pbagevohgr cbfvgviryl gb fbpvrgl, ohg gur byqre V trg, gur zber V ernyvfr ubj fbpvrgl vf ernyyl shpxrq hc, naq gung bar zvfrenoyr zr jvgubhg anzr abe jrnygu pna'g qb nalguvat ng nyy. V hfrq gb guvax V jnf zbenyyl hcevtug, ohg nf gvzr jrag ol, V fgnegrq gb abg tvir n fuvg nobhg gur zbenyvgl bs guvatf, cersreevat gb guvax va grezf bs hgvyvgl vafgrnq. V guvax vg unf pbzr gb n cbvag jurer V fgneg gb unir na vqragvgl pevfvf---whfg jung gur uryy nz V? V qba'g xabj nobhg bguref, ohg V guvax V'z fgvyy tenccyvat jvgu guvf dhrfgvba fbzrjung, naq V ubcr gung bar qnl V jvyy svther guvf bhg.
*tears hair a little*
Most days I just feel tired. Tired of the drama, tired of the rat race. Tired of having to deal with people, both the smart and the stupid, tired of dealing with machines, both working and not. Tired of dragging my rotting carcass to work, tired of dragging it back. Tired of unconsciously comapring myself with others, tired of being stood up and pushed around. Tired of being maligned, tired of being yelled at for no damn reason. Tired of being tired all the damn time.
Perhaps the answer I am seeking can be found through another way.
V guvax V nz fgnegvat gb unir n cubovn gbjneqf gur ragver pbaprcg bs vagvzngr eryngvbafuvcf. V qba'g zvaq unatvat bhg jvgu crbcyr, pbzcyrgr fgenatref rira, ohg jura vg pbzrf gb npghnyyl orvat jvgu n pbhcyr bs crbcyr V xabj jryy rabhtu, V fgneg gb ybfr sbphf ba jung vf ng unaq, naq fgneg gb eha bhg bs guvatf gb fnl, juvpu, vs lbh unir xabja zr sebz n cerivbhf yvsr, vf fbzrguvat gung vf dhvgr vzcbffvoyr gb fdhner jvgu. V'z abg ernyyl pregnva jul guvf cubovn vf pbzvat hc, ohg nf hfhny, V unir n srj gurbevrf.
Gurbel ahzore bar vf gung vg vf n qrsrafr zrpunavfz gung V unir orra erylvat ba gb xrrc zr fnar rire fvapr zl rkrf oebxr hc jvgu zr arneyl n lrne cyhf onpx (jbj, vg fher vf ybat ntb). Fgnegrq gb abg frr gur arrq sbe gung fb-pnyyrq ``fvtavsvpnag bgure'', naq gung cebonoyl genafsbezrq vagb n trareny ncngul gbjneqf guvf jubyr zrff.
Gurbel ahzore gjb vf gung V nz fbzrjung nssrpgrq ol gur crbcyr naq gurve eryngvbafuvcf nebhaq zr, naq ernyvfr gung na vagvzngr eryngvbafuvc vf whfg fbzrguvat gung V pnaabg or vaibyirq va. Zbfg bs gur crbcyr jubz V frr jub ner va fgnoyr eryngvbafuvcf graq gb unir gur birenyy srryvat bs bireg obevatarff---gurer vf uneqyl nal rkhorenag ernpgvbaf, yvggyr fcbagnarbhf npgvba, enaqbz urnegl ynhtugre naq gur yvxr. Abar, anqn. Vg'f nyy fb... dhvrg naq nqhyg-yvxr---rirelbar frrzf gb or fb frevbhf nyy gur qnza gvzr. Vs lbh nfx zr, vs guvf vf jung orvat va n eryngvbafuvc vf nyy nobhg, V guvax V'q engure or qrnq guna gb or pnhtug va fhpu n ynpxyhfger fvghngvba bs snxr znghevgl; V nz ol angher zber vadhvfvgvir naq fcbagnarbhf, naq vs lbh jnag zr gb or punvarq gb n dhvrg yvggyr yvsr, vg whfg vfa'g tbvat gb unccra.
Gurbel ahzore guerr vf gung V unir fgnegrq gb frr ubj nyy gurfr vagvzngr eryngvbafuvcf pna tb jebat, naq gur nsgrezngu gurl oevat. V haqrejrag n pbhcyr bs oernx hcf ba zl bja, fb V'z jryy njner bs gur xvaqf bs fvqr rssrpgf gurer. Ohg gura gurer ner gubfr jub qvibeprq nsgre fbzr gvzr va zneevntr, naq gurer ner gubfr jub frrz gb unir ceboyrzf va gurve zneevntr qhr gb n fhccbfrq ybfvat bs gur fb-pnyyrq ``fcnex''. Frrzf gb zr gung guvf jubyr vagvzngr eryngvbafuvc guvat vf whfg n snepr bs fbegf.
Gurbel ahzore sbhe vf gung V guvax V nz, va trareny, orpbzvat zber naq zber nagvfbpvny va angher. Nyernql V svaq zlfrys tenivgngvat njnl sebz uhzna pbagnpg, naq rira va gur pnfrf jurer V qb unir pbagnpg jvgu bgure crbcyr, V unir xrcg gur gjb fcurerf bs crefbany naq ohfvarff snveyl pyrne sebz rnpu bgure. Gur trareny ynpx bs n ``crefbany'' fvqr vf nyfb yvxryl gb or gur ernfba jul V nz svaqvat gur jubyr vqrn bs na vagvzngr eryngvbafuvc zrnavatyrff, naq bs pbhefr vg ornef erzvaqvat gung ``vagvzngr eryngvbafuvc'' urer zrnaf zber guna whfg oblsevraq-tveysevraq eryngvbafuvcf---vg vapyhqrf sevraqfuvcf nf jryy.
Gurbel ahzore svir vf gung zl fb-pnyyrq sevraqf unir qevsgrq shegure njnl sebz zr. Nyy gur sbyxf jubz V unq bapr pnyyrq zl ``oebgure'' be ``orfg sevraq'' ner ab ybatre va pbagnpg jvgu zr, naq rira jura jr qb zrrg naq gnyx, vg vf uvtuyl fhcresvpvny, jvgu zr hapbafpvbhfyl gheavat ba gur fanex naq qbqtvat nalguvat gung vf ersreevat gb zr. Uryy, ng guvf cbvag V nz qnevat rabhtu gb pynvz gung V qba'g ernyyl unir nalbar jubz V pbasvqr va nalzber---gurer ner gubfr jub vtaber zr, gubfr jub bhgevtug ner naablrq ng zr rabhtu gung V zvtug pbafvqre ungr, naq gubfr jubfr yvirf unir pnhtug hc jvgu gurz gb gur cbvag gung gurl whfg arrq gb qrny jvgu gurz vafgrnq bs gnyxvat jvgu zr. Sbe gur ynfg-zbfg glcr bs crefba, vg vf cnegyl zl snhyg, orpnhfr V qba'g ernyyl unir nalguvat gb fnl/jnag gb fnl nalguvat nobhg zlfrys ng nyy.
Ng guvf cbvag, nyy V unir ner gurbevrf ba jung vf tbvat ba, ohg V qba'g ernyyl xabj jung gur urpx vf jebat jvgu zr. Znlor V'z birejbexrq/birefgerffrq nf jung Ivpgbe fnvq, be znlor V'z whfg gheavat vagb n qbhpuront jvgubhg npgviryl ernyvfvat vg. Ohg jungrire vg vf, vg jbhyq nccrne gung V'z snfg trggvat zl jvfu bs tbvat vg nybar---zhpu bs gur jbeyq unf nyernql sbefnxra zr, naq V'z abg ernyyl nyy gung rntre gb tnva onpx nyy gung V unir fhccbfrqyl ybfg, sbe fbzr qnza ernfba.
Fbzrgvzrf V jbaqre gb zlfrys, vs rirelguvat gung V unir qbar fb sne vf ernyyl jbegu vg ng gur raq. Rnpu gvzr n qnl cnffrf, V svaq gung zl ybsgvre vqrnyf sebz gur cnfg ner snfg rebqvat njnl. V bapr gubhtug gung zl nvz va yvsr jnf gb pbagevohgr cbfvgviryl gb fbpvrgl, ohg gur byqre V trg, gur zber V ernyvfr ubj fbpvrgl vf ernyyl shpxrq hc, naq gung bar zvfrenoyr zr jvgubhg anzr abe jrnygu pna'g qb nalguvat ng nyy. V hfrq gb guvax V jnf zbenyyl hcevtug, ohg nf gvzr jrag ol, V fgnegrq gb abg tvir n fuvg nobhg gur zbenyvgl bs guvatf, cersreevat gb guvax va grezf bs hgvyvgl vafgrnq. V guvax vg unf pbzr gb n cbvag jurer V fgneg gb unir na vqragvgl pevfvf---whfg jung gur uryy nz V? V qba'g xabj nobhg bguref, ohg V guvax V'z fgvyy tenccyvat jvgu guvf dhrfgvba fbzrjung, naq V ubcr gung bar qnl V jvyy svther guvf bhg.
*tears hair a little*
Most days I just feel tired. Tired of the drama, tired of the rat race. Tired of having to deal with people, both the smart and the stupid, tired of dealing with machines, both working and not. Tired of dragging my rotting carcass to work, tired of dragging it back. Tired of unconsciously comapring myself with others, tired of being stood up and pushed around. Tired of being maligned, tired of being yelled at for no damn reason. Tired of being tired all the damn time.
Perhaps the answer I am seeking can be found through another way.
Monday, March 14, 2011
Late Night Musing
So today as I sat in front of Eileen, my new portable gaming rig, a thought came to mind---just what was it that drives people to do the crazy things that they do ever so often, and more importantly, why they sometimes end up turning away from the very thing that gave them the biggest pleasure in the first place to work on something that is, comparatively speaking, more mundane?
Of course, this thought came about through a few triggers. The biggest one was the story of Annabel Chong, which, if you haven't known by now, is about the infamous Singapore pornographic arts actress who did a massive gang bang film back in the day. She has since returned to a more mundane existence, stating for the record that ``Annabel Chong is dead, and in her place is the evil doppelganger''. But of course, sensational as this story is, there are more mundane stories that I have of the people around me that fall in roughly the same category of people who went through a massively crazy period before falling back into a mundane existence.
I suppose there are a few ways of looking at this phenomenon. One way that I found to be rather interesting is the perspective that everything that we do has a certain notion of a ``finite limit''---meaning there is only a finite amount of energies that we can devote to a certain task, and once this energy is gone, it will never return. In some senses, this is a rather accurate if unscientific way of thinking about things. It actually is an idea that is loosely paraphrased from an Aikido practitioner's saying of ``we only have a limited number of breakfalls that we can do in our life-time, so we should make good use of it''. But to the main point: we can sustain only a finite amount of interest in something, before the brain gets bored with the enterprise and moves on to something else. This means that for any activity that we may do that is not theoretically essential (like breathing, sleeping or eating for instance), we can only sustain a finite amount of interest and corresponding energy into the matter before we start to lose complete interest in it in the manner of a ``burn-out''.
Empirically speaking, it does seem like a sound perception---do too many of the things you like and it will end up being something that you hate. The question then is not whether this principle is correct in practice (we are taking it so a priori), but whether we can work around the principle to achieve an effect that appears to contradict the given notion.
Let me provide an example to illustrate this point. Suppose I am learning a new skill, say driving. Without loss of generality, we will assume that, based on the above-mentioned principle, I will have n hours of interest in driving for the entirety of my lifetime. These n hours are taken to be absolute---they assume that if I did nothing but drive, I would spend only n hours of them on driving in this life-time. There are two rather extreme ways of seeing this: I can choose to drive only a few hours in a week and end up stretching the perception of time to about n divided by the number of hours per week to claim an interest counted in weeks, or I can just keep driving during the 16+ hours that I am awake and claim differently. Both methods consume all the n hours eventually, but which is the better allocation of time?
To most people, it would actually make more sense to ``spread out'' the time, partly due to the fact that it is likely to be impossible to be working on the skill/activity non-stop, but partly because the activity needs to be stopped intermittently just to maintain some level of interest for the practitioner. Back to the Annabel story quoted above---why did she quit her glamorous job of being a pornographic actress to go into web development? Maybe she got sick of all the sex---one tends to have more intercourse when one is a pornographic actress I suppose, or maybe she is just sick of all the attention (for some loose definition of ``amount of attention one wants in a life time''). Either way, it got her thinking and snapping out of the crazy zone and moving on to something more mundane.
When I saw that story, I got really concerned, because I can see myself ending up like her, and no, I don't mean ending up as a gang-bang porn star. What I mean is that I can see myself ending up in the crazy zone doing really apeshit crazy stuff, and then suddenly quitting it all to do something more mundane. Actually, among many of my friends both past and present, it would appear that they are in a similar danger themselves of getting stuck accidentally in the crazy zone. Now, the problem is not the getting stuck in the crazy zone part (you're too crazy to realise it, but woe to those around you), but that the eventual ``crash'' out of the crazy zone will mean that you will never go back to that activity again. I can see how Annabel might have some distaste with her ``crazy zone'' life---that explains why she decided to kill off that personality. And in the case of my own circumstances, I can see myself foregoing research completely should I end up being in the crazy zone for research. That is one thing that I hope never to do, simply because I cannot just live with the mundane---it bores my mind to death and I end up vegetating and becoming exactly like the kinds of ignorant people that I have sworn that I will never be.
And that's why I try to maintain a healthy list of activities to keep me occupied. Previously, I call these activities the different ``facets'' of myself, but now I think they are merely activities that I, the central Ego, choose to do on my own time. There is a sense of consolidation of my fragmented psyche (a product over the last half a decade, I might add), with the general understanding that I need to keep all the activities sufficiently interesting so that I can keep things moving on well into old age and eventually towards my death.
It is not true that if one does not dedicate 100% of one's waking hours to the task that one is not passionate enough---there is a difference between passion and sustainable passion. Basing on the principle stated above, raw passion is like falling very deeply in love with someone, kissing/hugging/holding hands and doing all kinds of lovey dovey stuff in every possible mushy way---sure it's fun and invigorating, but what happens when one runs out of ideas on how to impress? Is it still love/passion? Sustainable passion, it seems, is something that comes in controlled waves---the fire is there, but it is not a bright explosion in the sky but the soft burning embers of a kindling flame, slowly but surely consuming both fuel and oxygen. A sustainable reaction may take longer on the get go, but it will definitely outlast anything that starts quickly and without foundation.
And that of course, brings us back to the sore topic that seems to plague me ever since I started writing in a semi-public manner---relationships, or specifically, romantic relationships. So the last part in the saga saw me getting pretty hurt from quite a few angles, and then deciding that I wasn't really ready for a relationship now, even though I seemed to be more ``experienced'' having gone through a couple of iterations or so. In a way, that position still holds, but based on the observations that I'm having, I am actually swinging further outfield on the whole let's-not-even-get-involved camp. You see, there is really little reason to be involved in a relationship that leads to marriage. I don't mind the companionship and all the other perks from a relationship, but marriage as a concept is something that is starting to make less and less sense the more we proceed through the social advancement.
I believe that I have argued about the purpose of marriage in another entry, but I am too lazy to look for it. I shall restate the argument here again: marriage is about the strategic union of economic or political powers---there is really little else to the matter. And since everyone is more or less more independent now than before, we find that the dependence factor that is prevalent in marriage is getting eroded away. The proof of this direction of change can be seen in the rising divorce rates in all the countries that have divorce as a legal cop-out from a ``failed'' marriage---if marriage were really something desirable, why then are the divorce rates on the rise? Are the married people learning something that they didn't know when they were still single?
Anyway, it is already getting late here as I write this entry, and given that I'm running some horrid cold from being up too late over a few nights, I think it is best if I retired to bed for now. But before I go, I leave behind this question for pondering:
Must the bulk of a country's population growth come from procreation of the ``natural citizens'' or should a country be thankful of population growth from any source?
Of course, this thought came about through a few triggers. The biggest one was the story of Annabel Chong, which, if you haven't known by now, is about the infamous Singapore pornographic arts actress who did a massive gang bang film back in the day. She has since returned to a more mundane existence, stating for the record that ``Annabel Chong is dead, and in her place is the evil doppelganger''. But of course, sensational as this story is, there are more mundane stories that I have of the people around me that fall in roughly the same category of people who went through a massively crazy period before falling back into a mundane existence.
I suppose there are a few ways of looking at this phenomenon. One way that I found to be rather interesting is the perspective that everything that we do has a certain notion of a ``finite limit''---meaning there is only a finite amount of energies that we can devote to a certain task, and once this energy is gone, it will never return. In some senses, this is a rather accurate if unscientific way of thinking about things. It actually is an idea that is loosely paraphrased from an Aikido practitioner's saying of ``we only have a limited number of breakfalls that we can do in our life-time, so we should make good use of it''. But to the main point: we can sustain only a finite amount of interest in something, before the brain gets bored with the enterprise and moves on to something else. This means that for any activity that we may do that is not theoretically essential (like breathing, sleeping or eating for instance), we can only sustain a finite amount of interest and corresponding energy into the matter before we start to lose complete interest in it in the manner of a ``burn-out''.
Empirically speaking, it does seem like a sound perception---do too many of the things you like and it will end up being something that you hate. The question then is not whether this principle is correct in practice (we are taking it so a priori), but whether we can work around the principle to achieve an effect that appears to contradict the given notion.
Let me provide an example to illustrate this point. Suppose I am learning a new skill, say driving. Without loss of generality, we will assume that, based on the above-mentioned principle, I will have n hours of interest in driving for the entirety of my lifetime. These n hours are taken to be absolute---they assume that if I did nothing but drive, I would spend only n hours of them on driving in this life-time. There are two rather extreme ways of seeing this: I can choose to drive only a few hours in a week and end up stretching the perception of time to about n divided by the number of hours per week to claim an interest counted in weeks, or I can just keep driving during the 16+ hours that I am awake and claim differently. Both methods consume all the n hours eventually, but which is the better allocation of time?
To most people, it would actually make more sense to ``spread out'' the time, partly due to the fact that it is likely to be impossible to be working on the skill/activity non-stop, but partly because the activity needs to be stopped intermittently just to maintain some level of interest for the practitioner. Back to the Annabel story quoted above---why did she quit her glamorous job of being a pornographic actress to go into web development? Maybe she got sick of all the sex---one tends to have more intercourse when one is a pornographic actress I suppose, or maybe she is just sick of all the attention (for some loose definition of ``amount of attention one wants in a life time''). Either way, it got her thinking and snapping out of the crazy zone and moving on to something more mundane.
When I saw that story, I got really concerned, because I can see myself ending up like her, and no, I don't mean ending up as a gang-bang porn star. What I mean is that I can see myself ending up in the crazy zone doing really apeshit crazy stuff, and then suddenly quitting it all to do something more mundane. Actually, among many of my friends both past and present, it would appear that they are in a similar danger themselves of getting stuck accidentally in the crazy zone. Now, the problem is not the getting stuck in the crazy zone part (you're too crazy to realise it, but woe to those around you), but that the eventual ``crash'' out of the crazy zone will mean that you will never go back to that activity again. I can see how Annabel might have some distaste with her ``crazy zone'' life---that explains why she decided to kill off that personality. And in the case of my own circumstances, I can see myself foregoing research completely should I end up being in the crazy zone for research. That is one thing that I hope never to do, simply because I cannot just live with the mundane---it bores my mind to death and I end up vegetating and becoming exactly like the kinds of ignorant people that I have sworn that I will never be.
And that's why I try to maintain a healthy list of activities to keep me occupied. Previously, I call these activities the different ``facets'' of myself, but now I think they are merely activities that I, the central Ego, choose to do on my own time. There is a sense of consolidation of my fragmented psyche (a product over the last half a decade, I might add), with the general understanding that I need to keep all the activities sufficiently interesting so that I can keep things moving on well into old age and eventually towards my death.
It is not true that if one does not dedicate 100% of one's waking hours to the task that one is not passionate enough---there is a difference between passion and sustainable passion. Basing on the principle stated above, raw passion is like falling very deeply in love with someone, kissing/hugging/holding hands and doing all kinds of lovey dovey stuff in every possible mushy way---sure it's fun and invigorating, but what happens when one runs out of ideas on how to impress? Is it still love/passion? Sustainable passion, it seems, is something that comes in controlled waves---the fire is there, but it is not a bright explosion in the sky but the soft burning embers of a kindling flame, slowly but surely consuming both fuel and oxygen. A sustainable reaction may take longer on the get go, but it will definitely outlast anything that starts quickly and without foundation.
And that of course, brings us back to the sore topic that seems to plague me ever since I started writing in a semi-public manner---relationships, or specifically, romantic relationships. So the last part in the saga saw me getting pretty hurt from quite a few angles, and then deciding that I wasn't really ready for a relationship now, even though I seemed to be more ``experienced'' having gone through a couple of iterations or so. In a way, that position still holds, but based on the observations that I'm having, I am actually swinging further outfield on the whole let's-not-even-get-involved camp. You see, there is really little reason to be involved in a relationship that leads to marriage. I don't mind the companionship and all the other perks from a relationship, but marriage as a concept is something that is starting to make less and less sense the more we proceed through the social advancement.
I believe that I have argued about the purpose of marriage in another entry, but I am too lazy to look for it. I shall restate the argument here again: marriage is about the strategic union of economic or political powers---there is really little else to the matter. And since everyone is more or less more independent now than before, we find that the dependence factor that is prevalent in marriage is getting eroded away. The proof of this direction of change can be seen in the rising divorce rates in all the countries that have divorce as a legal cop-out from a ``failed'' marriage---if marriage were really something desirable, why then are the divorce rates on the rise? Are the married people learning something that they didn't know when they were still single?
Anyway, it is already getting late here as I write this entry, and given that I'm running some horrid cold from being up too late over a few nights, I think it is best if I retired to bed for now. But before I go, I leave behind this question for pondering:
Must the bulk of a country's population growth come from procreation of the ``natural citizens'' or should a country be thankful of population growth from any source?
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