Friday, October 30, 2009
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
What a Painful Awakening... You Used to be My Everything...
This song is fairly meaningful too, about awakening to what could have been a wrong love. Strangely related huh?
《领悟》------辛晓琪Lyrics courtesy of www.inkui.com.
我以为我会哭 但是我没有
我只是怔怔望着你的脚步
给你我最的祝福
这何尝不是一种领悟 让我把自己看清楚
虽然那无爱的痛苦 将日夜夜 在我灵魂最深处
我以为我会报复 但是我没有
当我看到我深爱过的男人
竟然 像孩子一样无助
这何尝不是一种领悟 让你把自己看清楚
被爱是奢侈的幸福 可惜你 从来不在乎
啊!一段感情就此结束
啊!一颗心眼看要荒芜
我们的爱若是错误 愿你我没有白白受苦
若曾真心真意付出 就应该满足
啊!多么痛的领悟 你曾是我的全部
只是我回首来时路的 每一步 都走的好孤独
啊!多么痛的领悟 你曾是我的全部
只愿你挣脱情的枷锁 爱的束缚 任意追逐
别再为爱受苦
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Time, Changer Of Seasons...
This is one very meaningful song---I remembered the song when I was listening to some remixes that I had on hand.
Somewhere In The World------Boney MLyrics courtesy of www.lyricsfreak.com.
Time, changer of seasons, time will see another flower growing.
Climb over the mountains, there you'll find warm winds blowing.
Somewhere in the world, there is peace of mind.
Somewhere in the world, that's what I must find.
Somewhere in the world, there's a place for me in this world.
I cannot believe it, everywhere I see lonely faces.
Why have we no answers, just some more empty places?
Somewhere in the world, there is peace of mind.
Somewhere in the world, that's what I must find.
Somewhere in the world, there's a place for me in this world.
Time, changer of seasons, time will see another flower growing.
Climb over the mountains, there you'll find warm winds blowing.
Somewhere in the world, there is peace of mind.
Somewhere in the world, that's what I must find.
Somewhere in the world, there's a place for me in this world.
Somewhere in the world, there is peace of mind.
Somewhere in the world, that's what I must find.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
GRE is Coming Again (Urgh)
So the last few entries were rather cryptic in many senses, and here's why: I think that I am stressed out by the fact that I am taking the GRE [again] this Friday and have been looking for diversions to keep myself from worrying too much about things. That said, this song was one that I have been searching around for a long time, simply because of the clear female vocals and the rather catchy lyrics, which upon further analysis, will reveal that it has more meaning than just wanting to write a song.
So, right. Life. It goes on... once the GRE is done (and hopefully without any other news other than great news!) I will need to kick into high gear for the multitude of things that need settling, including applying to graduate school as well as preparing for the run up for NaNoWriMo. Oh, not to mention, this whole thing called work, which is really two projects masquerading as one.
So busy.
I think I might slowly be driven insane with the stuff I'm doing. They all said that life after CMU is more smooth-sailing and one will feel that the pace of life will slow down, but as far as I am concerned, that is definitely inapplicable here. So many things, so little time---at the very least I am emotionally more controlled now and can thus channel my cerebral powers towards the tasks that require dealing with, as opposed to the crap that I was basically stuck in a few months back.
I keep looking back huh. Even after so long, I still do a lot of retrospection and thinking about the past, ruminating ever so often, and sometimes even lapsing into moments of silent melancholy when I remember the good times that are no longer here. But I suppose that is the normal functioning of a person---no one will remember things that didn't affect them deeply in some way, good or bad. But as someone once told me, a break-up (and everything else for that matter) must be viewed not in a fatalistic manner but with one that provides different values to what has occurred. An example of this is to attach different values to some of the gifts that were exchanged during the relationship (or whatever)---instead of seeing it as a token of love, it is more productive to see it just as a gift from a good friend to another, and to downplay all that emotional baggage thing. But of course, doing more stuff to distract (and allow the venting of) the mind is probably another viable solution.
This place is getting more and more muggy; the humidity is so high that I am practically bathing in my own perspiration. Obviously, this is causing me grief because my rashes have started to appear all over again. Heh. I think that one of the reasons that govern why I don't feel attracted to people here could be that the whole skin rash/allergic reaction just makes me feel inferior, like as though there is some genetic impairment that stands out like a sore thumb. Put it in a Freudian way, I don't feel sexy enough whenever I am back in Singapore---how does one feel sexy/confident if one has rashes all over the bloody place? At least this theory accounts for the fact that I am neither a misogynist nor a misogamist.
It really does take a little effort to cut through all the protective barriers I put between myself and the outside world to know the ``real'' me inside.
That said, I made a pact with myself to stay clear from the whole relationship business for two years, with the intention of using those two years to concentrate on recovering from my self-diagnosed image problems and depression. Not that I am going to shed that geeky exterior, but perhaps it is time to think beyond the geek and wonder about the whole ``reintegration into society'' aspect of things.
Life seems to be made up of skirmishes that lead to high-stake battles which end up in a full-scale total war, only to end up with a bang (or a whimper) at the end of it all, where one leaves as how one was born---naked and alone.
So, right. Life. It goes on... once the GRE is done (and hopefully without any other news other than great news!) I will need to kick into high gear for the multitude of things that need settling, including applying to graduate school as well as preparing for the run up for NaNoWriMo. Oh, not to mention, this whole thing called work, which is really two projects masquerading as one.
So busy.
I think I might slowly be driven insane with the stuff I'm doing. They all said that life after CMU is more smooth-sailing and one will feel that the pace of life will slow down, but as far as I am concerned, that is definitely inapplicable here. So many things, so little time---at the very least I am emotionally more controlled now and can thus channel my cerebral powers towards the tasks that require dealing with, as opposed to the crap that I was basically stuck in a few months back.
I keep looking back huh. Even after so long, I still do a lot of retrospection and thinking about the past, ruminating ever so often, and sometimes even lapsing into moments of silent melancholy when I remember the good times that are no longer here. But I suppose that is the normal functioning of a person---no one will remember things that didn't affect them deeply in some way, good or bad. But as someone once told me, a break-up (and everything else for that matter) must be viewed not in a fatalistic manner but with one that provides different values to what has occurred. An example of this is to attach different values to some of the gifts that were exchanged during the relationship (or whatever)---instead of seeing it as a token of love, it is more productive to see it just as a gift from a good friend to another, and to downplay all that emotional baggage thing. But of course, doing more stuff to distract (and allow the venting of) the mind is probably another viable solution.
This place is getting more and more muggy; the humidity is so high that I am practically bathing in my own perspiration. Obviously, this is causing me grief because my rashes have started to appear all over again. Heh. I think that one of the reasons that govern why I don't feel attracted to people here could be that the whole skin rash/allergic reaction just makes me feel inferior, like as though there is some genetic impairment that stands out like a sore thumb. Put it in a Freudian way, I don't feel sexy enough whenever I am back in Singapore---how does one feel sexy/confident if one has rashes all over the bloody place? At least this theory accounts for the fact that I am neither a misogynist nor a misogamist.
It really does take a little effort to cut through all the protective barriers I put between myself and the outside world to know the ``real'' me inside.
That said, I made a pact with myself to stay clear from the whole relationship business for two years, with the intention of using those two years to concentrate on recovering from my self-diagnosed image problems and depression. Not that I am going to shed that geeky exterior, but perhaps it is time to think beyond the geek and wonder about the whole ``reintegration into society'' aspect of things.
Life seems to be made up of skirmishes that lead to high-stake battles which end up in a full-scale total war, only to end up with a bang (or a whimper) at the end of it all, where one leaves as how one was born---naked and alone.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
等着黑夜轻轻轻轻落下...
I've been searching this one for a very long time, and I have finally found it. Xinyao (新谣) is a really nice genre of easy-listening music.
《让夜轻轻落下》——潘盈Lyrics courtesy www.inkui.com.
等着黑夜轻轻轻轻落下
将你我来覆盖 等着黎明的安排
过去已经过去 未来未必存在
让我们继续相信现在
对你从来不改变 千种柔情说着一种语言
昙花的笑靥 星光的乍现
是我羞涩散乱的思念
你也从来不改变 一种沉默说着千种亏欠
紧紧拥抱我 轻轻放开我
像放开无处安放的依眷
曾经我将无助的爱情
静静枕在你的臂弯里
以为它将为我阻挡风雨
共我面对寂寞的潮汐
可是在你宽阔温暖的胸怀里
总是听到冷冷的叹息
你那不屑说谎的眼睛
始终教我自己回避
也许已经不是爱 只是一种坚持的情怀
也许依然还有爱 也许是慢慢生长的悲哀
等着黑夜轻轻轻轻落下
将你我来覆盖 等着黎明的安排
过去已经过去 未来未必存在
让我们继续相信现在
可是在你宽阔温暖的胸怀里
总是听到冷冷的叹息
你那不屑说谎的眼睛
始终教我自己回避
Monday, October 19, 2009
From the Bottom of My Broken Heart
And this came to mind, back when her songs still sounded nice and made some sense:
``From the Bottom of My Broken Heart''------Britney SpearsLyrics courtesy of www.azlyrics.com.
"Never look back," we said
How was I to know I'd miss you so?
Loneliness up ahead, emptiness behind
Where do I go?
And you didn't hear
All my joy through my tears
All my hopes through my fears
Did you know, still I miss you somehow
[CHORUS:]
From the bottom of my broken heart
There's just a thing or two I'd like you to know
You were my first love, you were my true love
From the first kisses to the very last rose
From the bottom of my broken heart
Even though time may find me somebody new
You were my real love, I never knew love
'Til there was you
From the bottom of my broken heart
"Baby," I said, "please stay.
Give our love a chance for one more day"
We could have worked things out
Taking time is what love's all about
But you put a dart
Through my dreams through my heart
And I'm back where I started again
Never thought it would end
[Repeat CHORUS]
You promised yourself
But to somebody else
And you made it so perfectly clear
Still I wish you were here
[Repeat CHORUS]
"Never look back," we said
How was I to know I'd miss you so?
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Satomi Hakken-Den
Satomi Hakken-Den------John O'BanionLyrics courtesy from spynets.com.
You and I didn't see the evening fly
There was magic in the air
With times enough to spare
Now in hours I have to say goodbye
Well you know I have to go
But still it hurts me so
(*)
I don't want this night to end
Don't say goodbye
Just hold me close my darling
I don't want this night to end
Pretend awhile
And let's forget tomorrow
Feeling blue I can see it in your eyes
But I have got a job to do
Got to see things through
But I will be near even when I am out of sight
Counting seconds till the day
I'm coming home to stay
(Repeat *)
Oh my darling love me tonight
And chase the morning shadow with you heavenly light
I find my strength inside your arms
So love me tonight and keep my heart besides you when you go, oh...
(Repeat *)
Ronin
Loneliness is the path of the ronin.
I ought to learn how to walk that path with dignity and pride.
I ought to learn how to walk that path with dignity and pride.
Friday, October 09, 2009
Ouroboros
Strange how things have gone full circle. Three years ago, I was wondering if I could get into a decent US University, and ended up at Carnegie Mellon. Now, I'm done with university and am looking to get into graduate school, and again am applying to many places.
Three years ago, I was not in love, and now, I still am [not in love].
Three years ago, I felt that I had died, and now, I am still dead.
Three years ago, I started this blog, and now, I am still here, with all the memories from all three years buried within the text of this place.
Three years ago, I was not a human, and now, I still am not a human.
Strange how things have gone full circle. Three years ago, I was wondering if I could get into a decent US University, and ended up at Carnegie Mellon. Now, I'm done with university and am looking to get into graduate school, and again am applying to many places.
Three years ago, I was not in love, and now, I still am [not in love].
Three years ago, I felt that I had died, and now, I am still dead.
Three years ago, I started this blog, and now, I am still here, with all the memories from all three years buried within the text of this place.
Three years ago, I was not a human, and now, I still am not a human.
Strange how things have gone full circle. Three years ago, I was wondering if I could get into a decent US University, and ended up at Carnegie Mellon. Now, I'm done with university and am looking to get into graduate school, and again am applying to many places.
Saturday, October 03, 2009
I'm Making a Note Here---Huge Success!
So, in spite of the embarassing defeat, and against my better judgement, I went for yet another round of drinking at the local pub/club. To my utter surprise, I actually enjoyed it this time round, partially because at all times I was sober and was able to take in the environment as it presented itself.
The crowd was not too shabby, yet not overfull, and the music was especially fine. For obvious reasons I did not imbibe anything heavy alcohol-wise---this means no Graveyard this time round. But it was all in all a good thing, since by not being drunk/wasted, I actually got to observe the surroundings more.
Well, I'm tired now. So I'll just crash out instead of writing. Till next time.
The crowd was not too shabby, yet not overfull, and the music was especially fine. For obvious reasons I did not imbibe anything heavy alcohol-wise---this means no Graveyard this time round. But it was all in all a good thing, since by not being drunk/wasted, I actually got to observe the surroundings more.
Well, I'm tired now. So I'll just crash out instead of writing. Till next time.
Thursday, October 01, 2009
Easy Life
Recently there has been a lot of debates with regards to how the foreign talents are ``eating into'' the livelihoods of the locals to the point that many are expressing indignation and some are starting to show xenophobic behaviour. While I am not saying that the fears of the local populace are unfounded, I would like to remind people that at the end of the day, we ourselves are responsible for how well we do in life, and not the government. Thus, if we choose to establish affirmative actions like quotas or even display ``favouritism'' for the locals, it will tend to defeat the entire premise of meritocracy, the one thing that this country prides itself as being the ultimate leveller.
But of course, reality is often different. The theories that are often expounded on egalitarianism are only applicable if all things are equal---clearly all things are not equal. It is a delicate balance between the labour required and the labour supplied; there are few employers who are willing to pay more for a local worker if for less they can hire a foreign worker who is willing to put in more hours. The basis of most businesses is to make a profit, and not to actually provide jobs for people---this is a fundamental thing that many people must learn to comprehend. If we view things from this perspective, then we can see that there is a strong (and stiff!) competition between the locals and the foreigners for the job market.
People are generally pampered these days, with many relying heavily on the multitude of government-led schemes in order to better provide for themselves. I am not insinuating that this is wrong, but this does mean that the newer generation of folks need to learn the meaning of hard work, and to be willing to put in the hard work in order to literally earn one's keep. Already there are many who want the easy way out---just look at the number of ``idol hopefuls'' who throng the auditions for the various reality television programmes which promise a large measure of fame and what is mostly a simple chance towards making good money. Of course, the standard argument here is that many are there for interests sake, and are just auditioning to see if they got lucky, much like why people are still buying lottery tickets when the probability of a payout is ridiculously small. I'm not saying that attending such auditions for celebrity-type events is a bad thing, but I seriously question the intent behind many of these people.
Society is on its way to ruins, that we have known for a while, with the increasingly easy life that the urbanites have grown to adore. Money is plentiful for many people, but almost everyone wants more. All these things are hard to mitigate away, and perhaps it is from all of these affluence will disaster strike us. In many cases, wars come about because one of two extremes exist; either the country is ruinous to the point that the people are no longer happy, and their anger drives them to fight for more rights and material gains, or if the country is too affluent and enjoys so much power and prestige that it involves itself with world politics in order to further strengthen its power and influence in the world domain, with restraint being a non-existent word.
Okay, so I'm bitter about the world today, and bitter at some of the happenings in my country. I could go on, but I don't really want to, seeing as to how all this yelling on top my soapbox is not going to do anything productive by any form of measure. So perhaps another time I will talk about other stuff.
But of course, reality is often different. The theories that are often expounded on egalitarianism are only applicable if all things are equal---clearly all things are not equal. It is a delicate balance between the labour required and the labour supplied; there are few employers who are willing to pay more for a local worker if for less they can hire a foreign worker who is willing to put in more hours. The basis of most businesses is to make a profit, and not to actually provide jobs for people---this is a fundamental thing that many people must learn to comprehend. If we view things from this perspective, then we can see that there is a strong (and stiff!) competition between the locals and the foreigners for the job market.
People are generally pampered these days, with many relying heavily on the multitude of government-led schemes in order to better provide for themselves. I am not insinuating that this is wrong, but this does mean that the newer generation of folks need to learn the meaning of hard work, and to be willing to put in the hard work in order to literally earn one's keep. Already there are many who want the easy way out---just look at the number of ``idol hopefuls'' who throng the auditions for the various reality television programmes which promise a large measure of fame and what is mostly a simple chance towards making good money. Of course, the standard argument here is that many are there for interests sake, and are just auditioning to see if they got lucky, much like why people are still buying lottery tickets when the probability of a payout is ridiculously small. I'm not saying that attending such auditions for celebrity-type events is a bad thing, but I seriously question the intent behind many of these people.
Society is on its way to ruins, that we have known for a while, with the increasingly easy life that the urbanites have grown to adore. Money is plentiful for many people, but almost everyone wants more. All these things are hard to mitigate away, and perhaps it is from all of these affluence will disaster strike us. In many cases, wars come about because one of two extremes exist; either the country is ruinous to the point that the people are no longer happy, and their anger drives them to fight for more rights and material gains, or if the country is too affluent and enjoys so much power and prestige that it involves itself with world politics in order to further strengthen its power and influence in the world domain, with restraint being a non-existent word.
Okay, so I'm bitter about the world today, and bitter at some of the happenings in my country. I could go on, but I don't really want to, seeing as to how all this yelling on top my soapbox is not going to do anything productive by any form of measure. So perhaps another time I will talk about other stuff.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
[Slight] Clarifications
So, my previous post probably raised a few more eyebrows than what I might want, so I suppose I ought to say some things to justify what exactly do I mean there.
Here's the general idea: I'm sick of my old self and old life, like, really sick of it. So I'm undergoing a renewal process, which includes, among other things, the cleaning up of various online credentials that I have. If you are reading this, chances are, you're already a part of the renewal process; hurray for you because you are important enough to be on the ``inner sanctum'', which is just a fancy name for ``you appear on my newer account''.
If you are not on the newer account, then you're probably dropped from my ``inner sanctum'' because either we have not talked for so long that I think you've forgotten me, or you and I have ``issues'' that need resolution [but I'm not actually interested in resolving them]. Whatever the case, don't bitch about it (you probably won't, because people who even realise that I am hardly available are probably added to the list anyway, and thus not realise that I am ``missing'').
Pretentiousness aside, I just want to keep my sanity. So much has happened, and I'm officially an adult now, in most senses of the word, considering the fact that I have graduated with a degree and so on. Perhaps it is time to actually start thinking like an adult, instead of some overgrown oversized kid who thinks is cool to write computer programs all day and do nothing else.
If you have the [un]fortunate chance of actually interacting with me, you would also realise that there is something innately different in the way I carry myself and do things. Let's just say I have developed a jaded outlook on life and view everything as being existent without having the strong attachments to its existence. Is this a good thing? Nah, I doubt it. But I'm seriously sick of waiting for people to let me down---I might as well seize life by the balls myself and deal with things my way instead of relying on people for help.
Okay, enough angsty rambling. Off to bed I go, and tomorrow is a long day.
Here's the general idea: I'm sick of my old self and old life, like, really sick of it. So I'm undergoing a renewal process, which includes, among other things, the cleaning up of various online credentials that I have. If you are reading this, chances are, you're already a part of the renewal process; hurray for you because you are important enough to be on the ``inner sanctum'', which is just a fancy name for ``you appear on my newer account''.
If you are not on the newer account, then you're probably dropped from my ``inner sanctum'' because either we have not talked for so long that I think you've forgotten me, or you and I have ``issues'' that need resolution [but I'm not actually interested in resolving them]. Whatever the case, don't bitch about it (you probably won't, because people who even realise that I am hardly available are probably added to the list anyway, and thus not realise that I am ``missing'').
Pretentiousness aside, I just want to keep my sanity. So much has happened, and I'm officially an adult now, in most senses of the word, considering the fact that I have graduated with a degree and so on. Perhaps it is time to actually start thinking like an adult, instead of some overgrown oversized kid who thinks is cool to write computer programs all day and do nothing else.
If you have the [un]fortunate chance of actually interacting with me, you would also realise that there is something innately different in the way I carry myself and do things. Let's just say I have developed a jaded outlook on life and view everything as being existent without having the strong attachments to its existence. Is this a good thing? Nah, I doubt it. But I'm seriously sick of waiting for people to let me down---I might as well seize life by the balls myself and deal with things my way instead of relying on people for help.
Okay, enough angsty rambling. Off to bed I go, and tomorrow is a long day.
Monday, September 28, 2009
Ominous Words
It has begun: odium drove me to fork and SIGKILL aspects of my old life. Soon, the_laptop that you once knew will no longer be the same again.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Fire of Life
It is a well-known saying that one cannot choose one's family but one can choose one's friends. Inasmuch as I don't really want to admit it, the veracity of the statement cannot be denied. Bearing that in mind then, I find myself making a few rather... unpleasant choices when it comes to friends.
You see, I have this predilection of ``dropping'' people whom I deem to be rather... useless to some degree or another. I am of course not looking at this from a purely monetary/power perspective, but rather along the base principles of hedonism---is the presence of the person happiness inducing or wrath/distress inducing? If it is of the former, then I suppose it is fine to have him/her around a little longer, but if it is more of the latter, then perhaps I will have less to do with this person.
The axiom that all people are, by nature, good, has been shattered over the course of the last twenty years of my existence. I have placed trust in many people, and have discovered rather painfully that in most of these people, the trust was misplaced. Now, after a third of my predicted life expectancy has passed, I think it is time to prune the list of people whom I trust to something that is more... manageable.
As ironic as it sounds, I am a rather private person in general. Sure, I keep blogs, I talk a lot and do many things out there, but there are enough parts of me that I do not reveal---they stay within me and nowhere else. Now, as the stakes get higher and the old alliances get shifted or shattered, it is time to withdraw ever more from the cacophony that is the world stage.
So, if you claim to be a friend of mine, and yet have not spoken to me in a manner that I deem to be earnest, chances are, you will hear ever increasingly less from me. It is not that I have a grudge against you, it is just that situation dictates me to take a step backwards into reticence and seek a certain balance within myself. Or it could mean that you were an asshole to me in the past---that is something that you ought to know yourself and should you require me to be explicit about it, you probably should never talk to me again.
It is with great hope that the careful management and pruning of this list of... trusted people will rekindle the fire of life that once lived inside me.
You see, I have this predilection of ``dropping'' people whom I deem to be rather... useless to some degree or another. I am of course not looking at this from a purely monetary/power perspective, but rather along the base principles of hedonism---is the presence of the person happiness inducing or wrath/distress inducing? If it is of the former, then I suppose it is fine to have him/her around a little longer, but if it is more of the latter, then perhaps I will have less to do with this person.
The axiom that all people are, by nature, good, has been shattered over the course of the last twenty years of my existence. I have placed trust in many people, and have discovered rather painfully that in most of these people, the trust was misplaced. Now, after a third of my predicted life expectancy has passed, I think it is time to prune the list of people whom I trust to something that is more... manageable.
As ironic as it sounds, I am a rather private person in general. Sure, I keep blogs, I talk a lot and do many things out there, but there are enough parts of me that I do not reveal---they stay within me and nowhere else. Now, as the stakes get higher and the old alliances get shifted or shattered, it is time to withdraw ever more from the cacophony that is the world stage.
So, if you claim to be a friend of mine, and yet have not spoken to me in a manner that I deem to be earnest, chances are, you will hear ever increasingly less from me. It is not that I have a grudge against you, it is just that situation dictates me to take a step backwards into reticence and seek a certain balance within myself. Or it could mean that you were an asshole to me in the past---that is something that you ought to know yourself and should you require me to be explicit about it, you probably should never talk to me again.
It is with great hope that the careful management and pruning of this list of... trusted people will rekindle the fire of life that once lived inside me.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
der Steppenwolf
And slowly, I will be the only person walking on this path: der Steppenwolf in its full glory.
Monday, September 21, 2009
Life Sucks, Right?
It is a while since I last wrote anything here, and for good cause. There's just so much that is happening in life right now that I... don't really want to think too much about it. Except things are never like that---what we refuse to acknowledge can and most definitely will hurt us if we are not careful about things.
I basically had a whole week of disasters of some sort---I think I turned a few friends into foes, dug deeper into my shell, got stood up by almost all the events that were supposed to happen last week, and got hit with bad news all over the spot, realised that I made a few dumb mistakes prior to everything... well you get the idea.
Life still sucks.
Sometimes I look at myself in despair, and wonder why things are so. Occasionally during those moments I feel like just crying to let out all that uncontrollable stress and tension, but I realise that it has gotten to the point that I no longer know how to cry.
Great. Just great. Already I do not know how to smile, and now I don't know how to cry either. The next thing I'll learn might be that I cannot be angered either.
But as usual, I digress. Despair in life seems to be a relative concept I suppose. Situations are moral-less fixtures---whether the situation is good or bad is highly dependent on the perspective in which the situation is being viewed from. Thus, it is completely likely that the same situation is both positive and negative simutaneously, but I think it probably requires a truly objective mind to identify this duality.
I doubt I have that sort of mind, however. Something about just vacillating between good and bad affect just seems to make it such that I'm literally dominated by emotions to a certain extent. Don't get me wrong, I still operate by logos; it is just that I found that some moments are best dealt with using pathos, and to keep logos as far as possible.
Again, I digress.
I have just read a nice book---maybe I will write about what I read next time.
I basically had a whole week of disasters of some sort---I think I turned a few friends into foes, dug deeper into my shell, got stood up by almost all the events that were supposed to happen last week, and got hit with bad news all over the spot, realised that I made a few dumb mistakes prior to everything... well you get the idea.
Life still sucks.
Sometimes I look at myself in despair, and wonder why things are so. Occasionally during those moments I feel like just crying to let out all that uncontrollable stress and tension, but I realise that it has gotten to the point that I no longer know how to cry.
Great. Just great. Already I do not know how to smile, and now I don't know how to cry either. The next thing I'll learn might be that I cannot be angered either.
But as usual, I digress. Despair in life seems to be a relative concept I suppose. Situations are moral-less fixtures---whether the situation is good or bad is highly dependent on the perspective in which the situation is being viewed from. Thus, it is completely likely that the same situation is both positive and negative simutaneously, but I think it probably requires a truly objective mind to identify this duality.
I doubt I have that sort of mind, however. Something about just vacillating between good and bad affect just seems to make it such that I'm literally dominated by emotions to a certain extent. Don't get me wrong, I still operate by logos; it is just that I found that some moments are best dealt with using pathos, and to keep logos as far as possible.
Again, I digress.
I have just read a nice book---maybe I will write about what I read next time.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Monday, September 14, 2009
Let the Challenge Begin
Life seems to be one colossal dream---the people you meet, the things you do, the things you think about, the successes you enjoyed, the pain that you anguished over, the fear that you experienced---all of these are just figments of an overall dream that makes you who you are. And there doesn't seem to be a provable way of waking from this dream; some might say that one will awaken from the dream when one is dead, but that is something that cannot really be proven given our current understanding.
One colossal dream, marked by periods of happiness and long periods of intense depression; such is the life of a damned person. Am I a damned person? Sometimes I wonder deeply about that thought... many indications seem to suggest that I am actually not that damned, but given the premise that life is one colossal dream, do I even trust what I seem to be seeing?
Hmm... if this life is just a dream, then why am I treating it so seriously? Why am I still unable to take things up and put them down in a more carefree way?
Perhaps life is not a dream after all, and I'm just being all confused about what is real and what isn't. Maybe I'm just delusional and am in need of treatment, or maybe I'm just a crank, a crackpot, an eccentric oddity trying to fit into an orderly world.
Or maybe I'm overanalysing this again... anyway...
The reason why I brought this up was that after being in Singapore for more than 3 months, everything that happened in Pittsburgh seems like a dream away. The people whom I studied, ate, drank, dated and had fun with all seem like apparitions from a bygone past, a past that I'm soon trying to keep unacknowledged. This is almost as bad as back in secondary school, I suppose, where till now I still have... issues... about that place and some of the people.
I think the times I spent in Carnegie-Mellon University were among the best years of my life, having done things that I could only dream about wistfully here. Yet the irony is that the same place that gave me all the joy I could ever dream of, is currently giving me the biggest misery that I ever had to deal with.
Eventually, thinks will work out, one way or another. One way or another indeed...
The chief difference here is that this time, I'm really going this alone.
One colossal dream, marked by periods of happiness and long periods of intense depression; such is the life of a damned person. Am I a damned person? Sometimes I wonder deeply about that thought... many indications seem to suggest that I am actually not that damned, but given the premise that life is one colossal dream, do I even trust what I seem to be seeing?
Hmm... if this life is just a dream, then why am I treating it so seriously? Why am I still unable to take things up and put them down in a more carefree way?
Perhaps life is not a dream after all, and I'm just being all confused about what is real and what isn't. Maybe I'm just delusional and am in need of treatment, or maybe I'm just a crank, a crackpot, an eccentric oddity trying to fit into an orderly world.
Or maybe I'm overanalysing this again... anyway...
The reason why I brought this up was that after being in Singapore for more than 3 months, everything that happened in Pittsburgh seems like a dream away. The people whom I studied, ate, drank, dated and had fun with all seem like apparitions from a bygone past, a past that I'm soon trying to keep unacknowledged. This is almost as bad as back in secondary school, I suppose, where till now I still have... issues... about that place and some of the people.
I think the times I spent in Carnegie-Mellon University were among the best years of my life, having done things that I could only dream about wistfully here. Yet the irony is that the same place that gave me all the joy I could ever dream of, is currently giving me the biggest misery that I ever had to deal with.
Eventually, thinks will work out, one way or another. One way or another indeed...
The chief difference here is that this time, I'm really going this alone.
More Damnation
What's the point of having people surround you when you yourself are not willing to engage in them? Why not just push them away as fiercely as possible, and hope that they never return?
Only then will you have enough to believe that the world hates you and you can continue to hate the world and let that consume the last of your passions.
A reciprocating vicious cycle. Time to be damned.
Only then will you have enough to believe that the world hates you and you can continue to hate the world and let that consume the last of your passions.
A reciprocating vicious cycle. Time to be damned.
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