And today I remember why I didn't really like sleeping seven hours.
Dreaming, in a certain sense, is a most wonderful thing to be had. It allows one to explore the subconscious, to experience things that do not occur that easily (if at all!) in real life, all with the innate safety of it being merely a figment of one's imagination.
It is also a great source of false hope, disappointment, and general malcontentment with life when one realises what one's life could be.
I have slept roughly seven hours on two separate occasions over the weekend, and in each time, I wake up the next day feeling shaken.
It's not so much as it involved supernatural spirits---I'm used to seeing that in my dreams, and usually I'm aware enough of the fact that I'm dreaming that I can will things to happen the way I want, but that it involved something that strikes a chord within myself.
You see, in each of the dreams, there was a girl involved, and each time, it ended with me being in tears.
I was dreaming that I had fallen in love with an arabian girl in my first night. Now almost two days later, I cannot really remember much, but suffice to say, it got me confused when I started thinking about the practicalities of the matter, like how she and I were supposed to be living together, with her entrenched strongly in her religion, and me not wanting to sacrifice my mostly independent mind to follow a religion [Ed: Read between the lines to understand what I'm talking about here.]. That prompted me to look up the said information when I woke up (the hell), and I found that it was impossible for her to leave her religion behind, not unless she wants to undergo the penalty of death.
Talking about taking a dream seriously.
In the next dream, the one that I just had nearly two hours ago, it seemed to be a conflated version of the the world of Pittsburgh I left behind and something that spawned out of Tekka Market. I was a tech-wiz in the dream, having some ability that I am currently unable to recall. Anyway, I ended up living with a bunch of people in the same apartment of sorts on the ground floor or something, and in the end, we all decided to leave it, for some reason. One of the girls who lived with us was my love interest in the dream, and we decided to head out together. Somehow it got to me taking her to visit my grandmother, who was some psychic located on the second floor of a shopping centre that seemed to follow the ambience of the local Tekka Market while having a layout similar to that of the Mall Atrium in Dead Centre of Left4Dead 2. Anyway, we went there after walking past some shophouses, including one which was a dojo for Aikido, and once we got there, she got really scared. It turns out that she could see spirits, and my grandmother's shop (paradoxically located one floor above the alteration shop below it with no other way up than from the stairs within the lower shop) was full of the spirits. In fact, it was so full that the floor space outside of the alteration shop itself was full of spirits. The girl got very scared, and we left, and then she left me. I found myself returning to this part of town that looked like a mix between something from Left4Dead 2 and Pittsburgh, with me walking about partly in the wilderness and partly within the town itself, at one point even boarding a bus like the one's I've seen in Pittsburgh, and sleeping in it. There was also a strange ship building exercise that wanted to build some boat doing some important stuff using some environmentally friendly process.
Of course I couldn't make head nor tail of what my dreams were talking about, since it is now two hours after I had awaken, which made it neigh impossible to remember correctly. Strangely though, each of these dreams involved me being romantically attached to some female, even though it were only for a short period of time. And when I woke up, I immediately thought of Mint for some reason, and that prompted me to wonder out loud on that infernal stalker tool: ``Is a relationship less real if it only lasted for that short period of time?''
So, is a relationship less real if it only lasted for that short period of time? Apparently from my perspective, that is hardly true---I'm still thinking about Mint, even though I'm pretty certain she isn't thinking about me. Sometimes, when I'm not paying attention, I find myself drifting in thought to Ida, though to be fair, it was more of fond memories than a strong sense of let's-get-back-togetherness. I suppose that thinking about the people you had known in a significant way in the past is part and parcel of being human, but sometimes it does get a little unnerving considering everything.
And that's the real reason why I don't like to sleep for long. I don't want to remember the dreams that present me an alternative reality that can be, at times, more real than the one I'm currently in, tempting me to just end this reality to seek the hopes and dreams that the other one raises.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Sunday, January 23, 2011
The Tirade of the Twenty-Six
If you see this post, it means that I have aged by a year. Note that I have written this post about 2 days earlier, since I'm foreseeing that the things that I need to deal with over the next two days will probably preclude me from actually having the time to write an entry.
So, 26 years have passed since I first came to this planet. It can be said as a miracle, in a certain sense, due to the circumstances surrounding my eventual appearance on this earth. Then of course, there's the whole chunk of thing called life that I had to deal with, including having to fight off all those derogatory comments from the many strangers who think it is their god-given right to pinpoint and criticise things that they have little understanding about.
I suppose it is due to these largely negative experiences that I have learnt to not give a rat's ass to what people say, particularly when they trigger those warning flags that almost unambiguously label them as douchebags. But then again, based on my upbringing, I have somehow cultivated that philanthropic nature, so I end up in the most paradoxical position of a misanthropic humanist.
But why am I wasting precious writing time here bitching about those people? Let's talk about more happy things, since this is an anniversary in celebration of my birth.
I've long gotten myself a gift for my birthday; I just didn't think it appropriate to talk about it any earlier. It is probably the most expensive thing I have gotten myself, and the more I use it, the more I find it worth my while. I've gone ahead and gotten myself an Altus-Azumi concert flute (model number AZ3000). It's a lovely flute, whose headjoint and body are made of 95.8% ``Britannia'' silver, and whose lip plate and key work are made of 92.4% ``Sterling'' silver. The sound of my AZ3000 is really sweet---she reaches the high pitches without cracking, and it just sounds brighter than the budget flutes that I have been playing thus far. Of course she comes in French style (i.e. open holed), with a B-foot, offset G, split-E mechanism and gizmo key---these are all the very basic that I look for in a concert flute. The responsiveness of my AZ3000 is phenomenal; it has gotten to the point that I would just play sixteenth notes at high speed just to mess around with the quick reaction of the flute. I love instruments that are this nimble, since the numbleness provides the unparallelled ability to convery very subtle emotional cues via ornamentation---if the instrument is sluggish, then the ornamentation will not be easily articulated and thus the whole sound will be rather muddy and have a distinct lack of crispness and freshness that is so important. I expect the AZ3000 to serve me well in the years to come---a good concert flute (much like a good 笛子) can last for a very, very long time with good care and use. For anyone who is interested in getting one (and you happen to be in Singapore), contact The Flute Studio---they are the official distributors of the Altus-Azumi flute series.
Apart from the ``official'' gift that I got myself, I went into a splurge of some sort and bought other useful and semi-useful stuff. There's a student piccolo that I got (the Prelude PC710 Piccolo, a sub-company of the Conn-Selmer group) just to mess around with. Contrary to popular belief, I found that the piccolo was remarkably easy to play in tune, with a deviation of about 5 to 10 cents when playing to A4=442Hz. I attribute this to the fact that the 梆笛 is of a similar range as the piccolo, and that the necessary embouchre and lung power has already been trained for a long time, which makes it much easier for me than for someone who has been playing the concert flute all the while (the embouchre on the concert flute is much looser than that of the piccolo). In fact, I think it is for the same reason that I don't find the upper register of the concert flute that tough as compared to other concert flute players.
Remember Eirian? Well, some things have happened since I got her slightly more than 2 years back. First off, her e-ink display was starting to lose contrast, possibly due to aging/wear and tear. Secondly, the company that built her (iRex Technologies), is no longer doing the consumer business due to the delay caused by the FCC in certifying the DR800---iRex missed the holiday season and went belly-up due to cashflow problems (one story link can be found here). Talking about tough luck. Having said that, I found that the e-reader is something that I cannot seem to live without since it can fuel my bookworm nature without having to lug the associated kilogrammes worth of actual dead tree offerings. And I scouted about for Eirian's replacement. The iPad was obviously out of the equation; apart from the high price point, the display that it uses is hardly suitable for ``all terrain'' reading. Thankfully, Amazon had the Kindle DX, which satisfied the three conditions of an excellent e-reader: good contrast, large screen and long battery life. One click and some time later, I am the proud owner of Eirian II, a worthy successor of Eirian. Eirian II is not without her faults of course, but I think those faults are pretty minor considering everything else that she has. I will not go into a long narrative about the pros and cons of using a Kindle DX---I think that's what review sites are for.
Anyway, enough talk about the stuff I spent money on. Time to talk about more mundane issues. I think for this upcoming year (year 27, if you have been counting and/or not get sidetracked by what I have been saying thus far) I will be focusing even more deeply into myself. I'm already getting sick of having to deal with people as a whole, and I have found that I am losing what I know about myself---it is going to be a major year to remake myself for the next decade or so. Much has happened, as always, and I think that my current policy of isolationism is a sound one, since it gives me the space that I need to look deeper into myself and understand the forces that drive me to do what I do. Distractions of all sorts have to be culled away mercilessly---that is the law of the land, and is probably the best way to ensure that I have the most efficient way of handling things as possible. I'm not saying that I am abandoning my friends and going solo all the way, but that I will remove all those people who have either a negative or no impact on me from my life just to reduce the overall complexity. If I claim that I am in love with my mind, and that I am as misanthropic as I claim to be, then it would not matter if I excise the useless people that surround me.
Cold-hearted? Ruthless? I don't care. It's my life and my choice---if others can excise me from their lives when I prove to be ``not useful anymore'', why can't I do the same? I am still human after all, not some saint of some sort. I don't have to be popular with everyone---I just need to count when I need to count, other than that, why do I even bother wasting any effort? It is time to pull out that utilitarian hat that I have kept away for a while and to put it on, letting my rational side rule supreme once more.
J'ai besoin d'être plus grave et la conquête du monde à ma façon.
Oh, and happy birthday to me! =D
So, 26 years have passed since I first came to this planet. It can be said as a miracle, in a certain sense, due to the circumstances surrounding my eventual appearance on this earth. Then of course, there's the whole chunk of thing called life that I had to deal with, including having to fight off all those derogatory comments from the many strangers who think it is their god-given right to pinpoint and criticise things that they have little understanding about.
I suppose it is due to these largely negative experiences that I have learnt to not give a rat's ass to what people say, particularly when they trigger those warning flags that almost unambiguously label them as douchebags. But then again, based on my upbringing, I have somehow cultivated that philanthropic nature, so I end up in the most paradoxical position of a misanthropic humanist.
But why am I wasting precious writing time here bitching about those people? Let's talk about more happy things, since this is an anniversary in celebration of my birth.
I've long gotten myself a gift for my birthday; I just didn't think it appropriate to talk about it any earlier. It is probably the most expensive thing I have gotten myself, and the more I use it, the more I find it worth my while. I've gone ahead and gotten myself an Altus-Azumi concert flute (model number AZ3000). It's a lovely flute, whose headjoint and body are made of 95.8% ``Britannia'' silver, and whose lip plate and key work are made of 92.4% ``Sterling'' silver. The sound of my AZ3000 is really sweet---she reaches the high pitches without cracking, and it just sounds brighter than the budget flutes that I have been playing thus far. Of course she comes in French style (i.e. open holed), with a B-foot, offset G, split-E mechanism and gizmo key---these are all the very basic that I look for in a concert flute. The responsiveness of my AZ3000 is phenomenal; it has gotten to the point that I would just play sixteenth notes at high speed just to mess around with the quick reaction of the flute. I love instruments that are this nimble, since the numbleness provides the unparallelled ability to convery very subtle emotional cues via ornamentation---if the instrument is sluggish, then the ornamentation will not be easily articulated and thus the whole sound will be rather muddy and have a distinct lack of crispness and freshness that is so important. I expect the AZ3000 to serve me well in the years to come---a good concert flute (much like a good 笛子) can last for a very, very long time with good care and use. For anyone who is interested in getting one (and you happen to be in Singapore), contact The Flute Studio---they are the official distributors of the Altus-Azumi flute series.
Apart from the ``official'' gift that I got myself, I went into a splurge of some sort and bought other useful and semi-useful stuff. There's a student piccolo that I got (the Prelude PC710 Piccolo, a sub-company of the Conn-Selmer group) just to mess around with. Contrary to popular belief, I found that the piccolo was remarkably easy to play in tune, with a deviation of about 5 to 10 cents when playing to A4=442Hz. I attribute this to the fact that the 梆笛 is of a similar range as the piccolo, and that the necessary embouchre and lung power has already been trained for a long time, which makes it much easier for me than for someone who has been playing the concert flute all the while (the embouchre on the concert flute is much looser than that of the piccolo). In fact, I think it is for the same reason that I don't find the upper register of the concert flute that tough as compared to other concert flute players.
Remember Eirian? Well, some things have happened since I got her slightly more than 2 years back. First off, her e-ink display was starting to lose contrast, possibly due to aging/wear and tear. Secondly, the company that built her (iRex Technologies), is no longer doing the consumer business due to the delay caused by the FCC in certifying the DR800---iRex missed the holiday season and went belly-up due to cashflow problems (one story link can be found here). Talking about tough luck. Having said that, I found that the e-reader is something that I cannot seem to live without since it can fuel my bookworm nature without having to lug the associated kilogrammes worth of actual dead tree offerings. And I scouted about for Eirian's replacement. The iPad was obviously out of the equation; apart from the high price point, the display that it uses is hardly suitable for ``all terrain'' reading. Thankfully, Amazon had the Kindle DX, which satisfied the three conditions of an excellent e-reader: good contrast, large screen and long battery life. One click and some time later, I am the proud owner of Eirian II, a worthy successor of Eirian. Eirian II is not without her faults of course, but I think those faults are pretty minor considering everything else that she has. I will not go into a long narrative about the pros and cons of using a Kindle DX---I think that's what review sites are for.
Anyway, enough talk about the stuff I spent money on. Time to talk about more mundane issues. I think for this upcoming year (year 27, if you have been counting and/or not get sidetracked by what I have been saying thus far) I will be focusing even more deeply into myself. I'm already getting sick of having to deal with people as a whole, and I have found that I am losing what I know about myself---it is going to be a major year to remake myself for the next decade or so. Much has happened, as always, and I think that my current policy of isolationism is a sound one, since it gives me the space that I need to look deeper into myself and understand the forces that drive me to do what I do. Distractions of all sorts have to be culled away mercilessly---that is the law of the land, and is probably the best way to ensure that I have the most efficient way of handling things as possible. I'm not saying that I am abandoning my friends and going solo all the way, but that I will remove all those people who have either a negative or no impact on me from my life just to reduce the overall complexity. If I claim that I am in love with my mind, and that I am as misanthropic as I claim to be, then it would not matter if I excise the useless people that surround me.
Cold-hearted? Ruthless? I don't care. It's my life and my choice---if others can excise me from their lives when I prove to be ``not useful anymore'', why can't I do the same? I am still human after all, not some saint of some sort. I don't have to be popular with everyone---I just need to count when I need to count, other than that, why do I even bother wasting any effort? It is time to pull out that utilitarian hat that I have kept away for a while and to put it on, letting my rational side rule supreme once more.
J'ai besoin d'être plus grave et la conquête du monde à ma façon.
Oh, and happy birthday to me! =D
Monday, January 10, 2011
随风而逝
Something by Regina Zeng again:
随风而逝——曾庆瑜
走过春和冬 雨和风 花开和花落
我已经尝到这人生的痛
究竟要追求什么 能偿还什么
这一切我还在迷惑
梦已经太多 不可说 也不愿承诺
我终于看出你心里的忧
纵然有再多失落 不让泪滑落
让记忆陪自己去过
如今随风而逝 随风而逝
岁月 它编织着曲曲折折的梦
随风而逝 随风而逝
我又何需频频回首
梦已经太多 不可说 也不愿承诺
我终于看出你心里的忧
纵然有再多失落 不让泪滑落
让记忆随自己去过
如今随风而逝 随风而逝
岁月 它编织着曲曲折折的梦
随风而逝 随风而逝
我又何需频频回首
如今随风而逝 随风而逝
岁月 它编织着曲曲折折的梦
随风而逝 随风而逝
我又何需频频回首
我又何需频频回首
Sunday, January 09, 2011
另一种回想
又是另一年的开始，而我自己也不知道前途如何。2010年的过去是充满着悲伤伤感的事件，而我又对2011年的期望也不是说很大。今天的我，心事重重，仿佛有解不开的心结。
不，我不是又有了感情上的问题——这是我已经下定决心不要去理睬它；凡是随缘吧。记得我曾经说过，“不在乎天长地久，只在乎曾经拥有”，但日子久了我才发现这是一个自欺欺人的谎言。这句话的含义，根本就和我的个人处事态度完全不符合，尤其是对于用情之类的事务。如果这句话为真，那么我又为何为以前所交过的女朋友而伤心掉泪，念念不忘呢？
我总觉得自己是属于用情比较深的人，也就因如此现在的我对爱情之类的东西都尽量的疏远些。这不是因为我害怕又受到伤害，而是因为我发现自己的心还没有到能够为一个人付出一切的痴心作风；换句话说，我本身认为自己对“爱情”的认识不够深。以前的我可能认为自己已成熟了，可以学上如何爱一个人了，但是现在的我发现事实是刚好相反的。也就这样，我对爱也不怀多大的希望。
事业上，我也有一些保留，因为最近实在是发生了太多能够打击我心情的事件。我其实是很想在这里发挥一下，但总认为这是个不大好的策略；或许以后我会有胆量把这些适于心情兜出来。说着说着，我也开始累了。我看今晚就写到此为止——可能以后我会在对这个题目在写一番。
不，我不是又有了感情上的问题——这是我已经下定决心不要去理睬它；凡是随缘吧。记得我曾经说过，“不在乎天长地久，只在乎曾经拥有”，但日子久了我才发现这是一个自欺欺人的谎言。这句话的含义，根本就和我的个人处事态度完全不符合，尤其是对于用情之类的事务。如果这句话为真，那么我又为何为以前所交过的女朋友而伤心掉泪，念念不忘呢？
我总觉得自己是属于用情比较深的人，也就因如此现在的我对爱情之类的东西都尽量的疏远些。这不是因为我害怕又受到伤害，而是因为我发现自己的心还没有到能够为一个人付出一切的痴心作风；换句话说，我本身认为自己对“爱情”的认识不够深。以前的我可能认为自己已成熟了，可以学上如何爱一个人了，但是现在的我发现事实是刚好相反的。也就这样，我对爱也不怀多大的希望。
事业上，我也有一些保留，因为最近实在是发生了太多能够打击我心情的事件。我其实是很想在这里发挥一下，但总认为这是个不大好的策略；或许以后我会有胆量把这些适于心情兜出来。说着说着，我也开始累了。我看今晚就写到此为止——可能以后我会在对这个题目在写一番。
Friday, January 07, 2011
Cruel?
As I was thinking about the various conversations over lunch/dinner yesterday that I had with some of my colleagues, a curious thing came to mind: what does it mean to be cruel? Put in another way, what does ``cruelty'' actually entail?
Pulling up a dictionary, I found the following definitions:
Somehow it sounded a bit hollow to me. In the conversations that we had yesterday, there was reference to some of the rather cruel ways in which some people treat animals. No, I don't mean things like crushing cats or any of those completely useless nonsensical actions that some individual does for kicks and laughs, I am referring to a systematic and calculated treatment of animals. I say ``treatment'' instead of ``maltreatment'' because this is where I think the line blurs---there is a conflict of interest between looking out for the welfare of animals and looking out for the welfare of humans.
In many organisations that look towards the whole issue of animal cruelty, the general trend is to be selective about the battles that they fight; they will go for the ``high profile'' cases (those that make the most media impact) over anything that is ``low brow'', they will fight those who cannot defend themselves. Why do I make such allegations? It is a known fact that money is the chief levelling factor in the world, regardless of what one may be doing. In many cases of conflict, the side which has more money (and therefore more resources) will be the one who will win in the long run; money is just a more liquid form of asset and resources, and thus in a game of attrition (which is what all these battles are about anyway), they can always hold out the longest. But how does this sit with the assertion I made earlier about the conflict of interest between looking after animal welfare versus human welfare?
We have many people. We have nearly seven billion people on this planet. Less than a fifth of these people are living in wholly artificial environments that we call ``cities''. These city dwellers need to be fed, entertained and the like, and due to their ridiculous density, become a lucrative source of revenue for folks eking out a living. Now, foodwise there is an incentive for the food producers to capitalise heavily on this market, i.e. looking after the welfare of the humans. Because of this, we find that in many cases, conditions for animals bred for food (in captivity of course) suffer what we call ``cruel treatment''---it is a sacrifice of the animal's welfare for the welfare of that of the human (the producer earns money, and someone out there gets to eat their chicken). There is almost no compelling reason for the food producers to do otherwise, particularly if the alternative actions result in them using more resources for lesser yield.
And then there are some people who decry the whole idea of consuming animals. ``Eat only vegetables!'' they say, ``it is good for you!''. But as usual, they just turn a blind eye to the fact that eating meat is a valid type of natural food source; the standard argument against their rallying call is that if we humans were supposed to subsist on only vegetables, why would we have canine teeth, and more importantly, why would our appendix (the organ responsible for digesting cellulose) would become vestigial over generations?
Barring that, the tactics used by these groups are also at times very questionable; there is a strong malodour of hypocrisy. It is partly because of the myopic vision of these groups in advancing only their agenda, and partly because they have not realised that the support that allows living in the city have become so intertwined and connected that it becomes truly impossible to just isolate one small region which seemingly has problems and attack that one region only without respect to everything else. For example, there will be some groups who would be championing the humane treatment of dolphins and the like, but will conveniently forget the fact that people are eating fish everyday (fish is, in some cultures, not considered to be meat; it figures).
But back to the issue of being cruel. Economics has a lesson or two to tell us: supply and demand are interrelated concepts; where there is a large demand, supply will increase accordingly to meet up with demand, and if there is excess supply, suppliers will slash prices to make it more appealling to consumers, which will increase demand. Therefore, the only surefire way of tackling all these cruelty acts is to destroy the entire market: heckling only the suppliers or only the consumers will produce exactly no effect, the market itself needs to be destroyed so as to completely destroy the entire feedback cycle of supply and demand. But of course, once a group realises this and takes action in this direction, it will be labelled as ``anti-capitalism'' or worse, like ``anarchist''. And then nothing good will come out of it.
Pulling up a dictionary, I found the following definitions:
- cruel
- Causing pain or suffering
- Having or showing a sadistic disregard for the pain or suffering of others
Somehow it sounded a bit hollow to me. In the conversations that we had yesterday, there was reference to some of the rather cruel ways in which some people treat animals. No, I don't mean things like crushing cats or any of those completely useless nonsensical actions that some individual does for kicks and laughs, I am referring to a systematic and calculated treatment of animals. I say ``treatment'' instead of ``maltreatment'' because this is where I think the line blurs---there is a conflict of interest between looking out for the welfare of animals and looking out for the welfare of humans.
In many organisations that look towards the whole issue of animal cruelty, the general trend is to be selective about the battles that they fight; they will go for the ``high profile'' cases (those that make the most media impact) over anything that is ``low brow'', they will fight those who cannot defend themselves. Why do I make such allegations? It is a known fact that money is the chief levelling factor in the world, regardless of what one may be doing. In many cases of conflict, the side which has more money (and therefore more resources) will be the one who will win in the long run; money is just a more liquid form of asset and resources, and thus in a game of attrition (which is what all these battles are about anyway), they can always hold out the longest. But how does this sit with the assertion I made earlier about the conflict of interest between looking after animal welfare versus human welfare?
We have many people. We have nearly seven billion people on this planet. Less than a fifth of these people are living in wholly artificial environments that we call ``cities''. These city dwellers need to be fed, entertained and the like, and due to their ridiculous density, become a lucrative source of revenue for folks eking out a living. Now, foodwise there is an incentive for the food producers to capitalise heavily on this market, i.e. looking after the welfare of the humans. Because of this, we find that in many cases, conditions for animals bred for food (in captivity of course) suffer what we call ``cruel treatment''---it is a sacrifice of the animal's welfare for the welfare of that of the human (the producer earns money, and someone out there gets to eat their chicken). There is almost no compelling reason for the food producers to do otherwise, particularly if the alternative actions result in them using more resources for lesser yield.
And then there are some people who decry the whole idea of consuming animals. ``Eat only vegetables!'' they say, ``it is good for you!''. But as usual, they just turn a blind eye to the fact that eating meat is a valid type of natural food source; the standard argument against their rallying call is that if we humans were supposed to subsist on only vegetables, why would we have canine teeth, and more importantly, why would our appendix (the organ responsible for digesting cellulose) would become vestigial over generations?
Barring that, the tactics used by these groups are also at times very questionable; there is a strong malodour of hypocrisy. It is partly because of the myopic vision of these groups in advancing only their agenda, and partly because they have not realised that the support that allows living in the city have become so intertwined and connected that it becomes truly impossible to just isolate one small region which seemingly has problems and attack that one region only without respect to everything else. For example, there will be some groups who would be championing the humane treatment of dolphins and the like, but will conveniently forget the fact that people are eating fish everyday (fish is, in some cultures, not considered to be meat; it figures).
But back to the issue of being cruel. Economics has a lesson or two to tell us: supply and demand are interrelated concepts; where there is a large demand, supply will increase accordingly to meet up with demand, and if there is excess supply, suppliers will slash prices to make it more appealling to consumers, which will increase demand. Therefore, the only surefire way of tackling all these cruelty acts is to destroy the entire market: heckling only the suppliers or only the consumers will produce exactly no effect, the market itself needs to be destroyed so as to completely destroy the entire feedback cycle of supply and demand. But of course, once a group realises this and takes action in this direction, it will be labelled as ``anti-capitalism'' or worse, like ``anarchist''. And then nothing good will come out of it.
Tuesday, January 04, 2011
Ruminations Again
I'm either one troubled monkey or this is really a good day to be writing stuff. Three posts less than 12 hours between them---something must definitely be up.
So anyway, there's lots of doom and gloom about my life ever since last year, but I hope that it won't be the case this year. Things are going to kick into full gear very soon, and it may very well be the case that I get swept off my feet in keeping up with whatever I have to deal with.
But the year hasn't really begun well. Already I feel anything but completely refreshed---there seems to be a part of me that craves for company and yet there is a greater part of me that tells me to just suck it down and not whinge like a fool. It seems only like yesterday when I first packed my bags and headed out for study, with a group of almost like-minded compatriots, each to different parts of the world to partake in a little cultural exchange and most definitely to learn whatever we can, given the types of constraints that we had to deal with from the official front.
Now, almost a year and a half later, I find myself here alone, wandering the desert like the nomads of old. The cohort had moved on, while I had been left behind. It is not as though I had found enough similarities between them and I to feel any strong sense of sentimentality, but it remained to a certain degree that we were once walking along the same road. Except that now, our paths have diverged, and while most of them were still on the highway, I'm trekking through the tundra on the other side of the world.
I've always felt like an outside amongst them. That has been a consistent theme throughout my life---the outsider. Ronin. Masterless. Aloof. Some may call it the uniqueness that is my individuality, while sometimes I just call it being too damn weird for my own good. Anyway, I felt like an outsider amongst them, partly because of our differing ways, partly because of a little bit of inferiority complex. In my mind, it always seemed that everyone was in a better condition that I was, everyone seemed to be in the right place at the right time, while I always felt as though I were given a lot of raw chances, so raw that I had to carve out my own route. And at times, it does get very tiring to play catch up, just because I have to expand so much energy.
Well, it's the new year now. Maybe I don't have to worry about these things any more. Who knows?
So anyway, there's lots of doom and gloom about my life ever since last year, but I hope that it won't be the case this year. Things are going to kick into full gear very soon, and it may very well be the case that I get swept off my feet in keeping up with whatever I have to deal with.
But the year hasn't really begun well. Already I feel anything but completely refreshed---there seems to be a part of me that craves for company and yet there is a greater part of me that tells me to just suck it down and not whinge like a fool. It seems only like yesterday when I first packed my bags and headed out for study, with a group of almost like-minded compatriots, each to different parts of the world to partake in a little cultural exchange and most definitely to learn whatever we can, given the types of constraints that we had to deal with from the official front.
Now, almost a year and a half later, I find myself here alone, wandering the desert like the nomads of old. The cohort had moved on, while I had been left behind. It is not as though I had found enough similarities between them and I to feel any strong sense of sentimentality, but it remained to a certain degree that we were once walking along the same road. Except that now, our paths have diverged, and while most of them were still on the highway, I'm trekking through the tundra on the other side of the world.
I've always felt like an outside amongst them. That has been a consistent theme throughout my life---the outsider. Ronin. Masterless. Aloof. Some may call it the uniqueness that is my individuality, while sometimes I just call it being too damn weird for my own good. Anyway, I felt like an outsider amongst them, partly because of our differing ways, partly because of a little bit of inferiority complex. In my mind, it always seemed that everyone was in a better condition that I was, everyone seemed to be in the right place at the right time, while I always felt as though I were given a lot of raw chances, so raw that I had to carve out my own route. And at times, it does get very tiring to play catch up, just because I have to expand so much energy.
Well, it's the new year now. Maybe I don't have to worry about these things any more. Who knows?
Monday, January 03, 2011
Sleep...
Heh. Looks like it's double post Monday. No matter actually; it's my blog and thus I can choose when I want to write anything.
It just so happens that I'm in an angsty sort of mood today, wanting to rant and whine about more things.
So the new year just passed us by. All in all, it was quite a quiet event, since I basically just hung out with a close friend of mine and we just sat at a quiet little bar drinking small shots of crunking madness. But that aside, the entire new year just feels... empty.
Right, empty.
For some reason, I can't seem to muster enough energy and excitement for the coming of the new year; in fact all that I feel seems to be a lot of dread and fear to a large extent, as though there were just so many things that I cannot really handle on my own. It's a strange thought I'm sure, but I suppose many things are not quite as strange if they start happening to one.
Some days I think that I'm overworked. Some days I feel as though I am sort of burnt out, not physically, but mentally, what with having to juggle the myriad of things that require my undivided attention.
Some days I feel remarkably refreshed---unfortunately, those days have started to come in fewer and fewer bunches that I don't really understand why.
Anyway, I'm feeling rather sleepy again. Time for another shot of coffee, and then back to what I have to do once more. Till next time.
It just so happens that I'm in an angsty sort of mood today, wanting to rant and whine about more things.
So the new year just passed us by. All in all, it was quite a quiet event, since I basically just hung out with a close friend of mine and we just sat at a quiet little bar drinking small shots of crunking madness. But that aside, the entire new year just feels... empty.
Right, empty.
For some reason, I can't seem to muster enough energy and excitement for the coming of the new year; in fact all that I feel seems to be a lot of dread and fear to a large extent, as though there were just so many things that I cannot really handle on my own. It's a strange thought I'm sure, but I suppose many things are not quite as strange if they start happening to one.
Some days I think that I'm overworked. Some days I feel as though I am sort of burnt out, not physically, but mentally, what with having to juggle the myriad of things that require my undivided attention.
Some days I feel remarkably refreshed---unfortunately, those days have started to come in fewer and fewer bunches that I don't really understand why.
Anyway, I'm feeling rather sleepy again. Time for another shot of coffee, and then back to what I have to do once more. Till next time.
Inspiration for NaNoWriMo 2010
In a previous post I had promised to write down some of the thoughts and ideas that made Towards Cacophony the way it was.
Since this is a loose sequel for A Slice of Life with a Twist of Lemon, we see a return of some very familiar characters. The two protagonists of the previous novel are back, but this time they are about ten years older than they were, and are joining the university. As always, information here comes from my idea file as well as the novel proper---I have been rather slack in keeping tabs on my story development towards the end.
As for locations, there is hardly any connection to anything in real life, though to be honest, the universities that everyone of them hail from is a mash-up of places that I know; generally speaking, the universities are based on those that are in Singapore, with obvious tip offs in the form of distance (NTU), location (SMU), and quality (NUS). Of course, all these locations themselves are fictional, since each has an infusion of some of the things that I have seen back in my old alma mater. The bars and restaurants are really figments of my imagination based on some of the places that I had visited, so there's no real-life counterpart to compare with.
There is also a subtle thing about the chapter names chosen with regards to the roles/story---Heng Kar's chapters are titled with very mundane and practical terms, which roughly describe what is going on in that chapter, while the chapters involving Kah Hao are ironically named after musical terms, with the content reflective of the general feel of each musical term used. The naming convention is ironic because in this novel, it is Heng Kar who ends up being more musically inclined while Kah Hao becomes more involved with school life as opposed to music as a whole. The collision course between Kah Hao and Heng Kar had been planned a long time ago, and served as a nice place to form an ending. The voice in Heng Kar's head was unintentional---I was looking for something that could give him more inner dialogue and thus suggest that perhaps his interest in Tiffany was bordering upon that of the obsession, what with the talking voice in the head that is intrusive and unwanted.
The title itself is almost coincidental: my initial idea was to have the collision course between Heng Kar and Kah Hao to end with a big argument/fight (hence the cacophony), but when I started introducing the voice in Heng Kar's head, it seemed most natural to end it the way it did (and lead to the cacophony that we have been referring to all throughout the novel). While most definitely not the best way to end the novel, I'm quite satisfied at the overall effect that I have gotten.
So there you have it, the spoilers/inspirations that are behind Towards Cacophony. What are you waiting for, go download it from here and start reading! =D
Since this is a loose sequel for A Slice of Life with a Twist of Lemon, we see a return of some very familiar characters. The two protagonists of the previous novel are back, but this time they are about ten years older than they were, and are joining the university. As always, information here comes from my idea file as well as the novel proper---I have been rather slack in keeping tabs on my story development towards the end.
- Heng Kar
- The protagonist's protagonist. Just like last time, he is the ``true'' main character, the one whose mental processes are most visible to the reader. He is one half of the interweaving storylines, with an emphasis of the first person perspective. The Heng Kar of this novel is a little more reserved than before, and has gotten into Computer Science in a big way (doing it as a major in the university). He is still friends with Siew Wah, and often sees he latter as some form of mentor in all matters. At the conclusion of the last novel, Heng Kar and Kah Hao are good friends playing at the Chinese Orchestra at the community club. Things happened and they lost contact with each other in between, and an early part of the story was about how they went back to visit their old haunt and meet up with their old friends, most of whom are still there.
- Kah Hao
- Kah Hao is the third person protagonist with his own storyline. He studies in the same university as Heng Kar, but unlike the latter, he lives in the dormitories on campus and makes friends with some rather... odd characters. University Kah Hao draws upon my freshman year experience in CMU, exaggerated much of course for literary effect. In the last novel, Kah Hao was very music oriented, but in this loose sequel, I've chosen to make him less into music, as a form of reflecting on the loosely hidden aspect of National Service---I made him a health nut of sorts, the kind of person who has taken in the mythos of the soldier completely and axiomatically, yet without having that airheadedness that many seem to associate with the soldiering profession.
- Tiffany
- She had a small role back in A Slice of Life simply because I didn't want to confuse the already long storyline with a romantic love triangle angle (urgh, bad expression). But in this story, her sexuality and raw physical attraction gradually becomes the centrepoint of the story---we find that both protagonists are interested in her more overtly than before. No gratuous sex scene, obviously, but she does seem to have a preference for one of the two protagonists...
- Moe and Linda
- These two are easily my most favourite characters of the list. Moe is a reversed caricature of my old freshman roommate conflated with my own experience, while Linda is... well, Linda, the other third of our strange trio of crazies in the story. Based on the real-life adventures of two of my friends (part of a group of four crazies), this is a rather novellised version of some of the antics that have occurred. So, did all that I write in here really happen? That's up to those who know what happened to decide... (hint: this is fiction after all)
As for locations, there is hardly any connection to anything in real life, though to be honest, the universities that everyone of them hail from is a mash-up of places that I know; generally speaking, the universities are based on those that are in Singapore, with obvious tip offs in the form of distance (NTU), location (SMU), and quality (NUS). Of course, all these locations themselves are fictional, since each has an infusion of some of the things that I have seen back in my old alma mater. The bars and restaurants are really figments of my imagination based on some of the places that I had visited, so there's no real-life counterpart to compare with.
There is also a subtle thing about the chapter names chosen with regards to the roles/story---Heng Kar's chapters are titled with very mundane and practical terms, which roughly describe what is going on in that chapter, while the chapters involving Kah Hao are ironically named after musical terms, with the content reflective of the general feel of each musical term used. The naming convention is ironic because in this novel, it is Heng Kar who ends up being more musically inclined while Kah Hao becomes more involved with school life as opposed to music as a whole. The collision course between Kah Hao and Heng Kar had been planned a long time ago, and served as a nice place to form an ending. The voice in Heng Kar's head was unintentional---I was looking for something that could give him more inner dialogue and thus suggest that perhaps his interest in Tiffany was bordering upon that of the obsession, what with the talking voice in the head that is intrusive and unwanted.
The title itself is almost coincidental: my initial idea was to have the collision course between Heng Kar and Kah Hao to end with a big argument/fight (hence the cacophony), but when I started introducing the voice in Heng Kar's head, it seemed most natural to end it the way it did (and lead to the cacophony that we have been referring to all throughout the novel). While most definitely not the best way to end the novel, I'm quite satisfied at the overall effect that I have gotten.
So there you have it, the spoilers/inspirations that are behind Towards Cacophony. What are you waiting for, go download it from here and start reading! =D
Sunday, January 02, 2011
Quick Summary
So, a quick summary of what I had written in 2010:
That's an average of 0.59 pieces of writing a day, compared to 0.78 last year. The general lack of writing is not really due to tardiness about my part, but that there are a lot of things that I cannot write about because it involves things related to work. And since I spend most of my time at work, that in itself is a large omission that leads to the general reduction in the amount of writing I do.
I have fixed the URLs to be more reflective of the sites that they are linked to, and have resurrected the old non-specific link to act as a direction board for all the material that I have just in case folks were still using the old URL in their hyperlinking system.
Compared to last year, there were much fewer emotional roller coasters. Ida is starting to become a passing memory, and my short stint with Mint is starting to get into the phase of being faded away into oblivion as time goes by. I have more or less not bothered myself too much about the whole relationship issue, and from that, have discovered a whole new avenue of inner peace. Work has picked up suddenly over the course of the last few months, with the intensity so high that I hardly can tell which day of the week I am in---time just passes ever so quickly.
I have more or less successfully excised myself from a few of the social groups that have been causing me more grief than happiness, a sort of tribute to one of Regina Brett's rules. That said, I highly encourage readers to look for the 45 rules that Regina came up with when she turned 45 (not 90, which was what the chain email said when I first received it)---those rules make a really good guideline on how best to live life.
In many ways, I found that 2010 was a year where I grew even more, being enlightened on more than one occasion about how the world works. Though the path ahead can be rather annoying, at least I have a better peace of mind, and can more or less sleep soundly should I actually have the chance to. These couple of weeks have been quite trying, what with the general festive occasions juxtaposed with the heavy theories that I need to read, understand and resynthesize as a part of some of the work that I am doing. Now that the end of year is officially gone and a new one has begun, it is almost as though a second wind were blowing through my very self and giving me the much needed impetus to forge on ahead.
But of course, in the process of aging and gradual enlightenment, one does start to realise that there are many uncertainties in life that needs to be looked into at some point, not necessarily in the present. Quoting somewhat indiscriminately from one of the films of the Matrix series, one truly ``cannot see beyond a decision that one does not truly understand''. The lack of understanding of a decision prevents the ability to at the ramifications and consequences of the choice that was taken---this is not cyberpunk bullshit but something that is rather rooted in reality. In AI terms, this can even be thought of as the horizon problem, where the particular AI algorithm is unable to provide a good solution because it is lying beyond the level in which it is allowed to search.
People seem to feature strongly in 2010. Folks who made my blood boil are having fewer occasions of doing so due to the above-mentioned excision, while I have also strengthened some of the bonds that I had with some of my oldest friends. Everyone seems to be suffering from various problems---sometimes when I empathise with them, I feel indignant about them having to deal with all the nonsense. But I suppose these are just issues that everyone have to deal with at some point in life.
So 2010 is over, and 2011 is now. There are still a few rough edges that need dealing with, but I do have a good feeling for this year, no matter how small it is.
Towards a better future!
- 113 poems posted here
- 90 essays/rants posted here
- 10 prose/stories posted here
- 1 NaNoWriMo winning entry available here
That's an average of 0.59 pieces of writing a day, compared to 0.78 last year. The general lack of writing is not really due to tardiness about my part, but that there are a lot of things that I cannot write about because it involves things related to work. And since I spend most of my time at work, that in itself is a large omission that leads to the general reduction in the amount of writing I do.
I have fixed the URLs to be more reflective of the sites that they are linked to, and have resurrected the old non-specific link to act as a direction board for all the material that I have just in case folks were still using the old URL in their hyperlinking system.
Compared to last year, there were much fewer emotional roller coasters. Ida is starting to become a passing memory, and my short stint with Mint is starting to get into the phase of being faded away into oblivion as time goes by. I have more or less not bothered myself too much about the whole relationship issue, and from that, have discovered a whole new avenue of inner peace. Work has picked up suddenly over the course of the last few months, with the intensity so high that I hardly can tell which day of the week I am in---time just passes ever so quickly.
I have more or less successfully excised myself from a few of the social groups that have been causing me more grief than happiness, a sort of tribute to one of Regina Brett's rules. That said, I highly encourage readers to look for the 45 rules that Regina came up with when she turned 45 (not 90, which was what the chain email said when I first received it)---those rules make a really good guideline on how best to live life.
In many ways, I found that 2010 was a year where I grew even more, being enlightened on more than one occasion about how the world works. Though the path ahead can be rather annoying, at least I have a better peace of mind, and can more or less sleep soundly should I actually have the chance to. These couple of weeks have been quite trying, what with the general festive occasions juxtaposed with the heavy theories that I need to read, understand and resynthesize as a part of some of the work that I am doing. Now that the end of year is officially gone and a new one has begun, it is almost as though a second wind were blowing through my very self and giving me the much needed impetus to forge on ahead.
But of course, in the process of aging and gradual enlightenment, one does start to realise that there are many uncertainties in life that needs to be looked into at some point, not necessarily in the present. Quoting somewhat indiscriminately from one of the films of the Matrix series, one truly ``cannot see beyond a decision that one does not truly understand''. The lack of understanding of a decision prevents the ability to at the ramifications and consequences of the choice that was taken---this is not cyberpunk bullshit but something that is rather rooted in reality. In AI terms, this can even be thought of as the horizon problem, where the particular AI algorithm is unable to provide a good solution because it is lying beyond the level in which it is allowed to search.
People seem to feature strongly in 2010. Folks who made my blood boil are having fewer occasions of doing so due to the above-mentioned excision, while I have also strengthened some of the bonds that I had with some of my oldest friends. Everyone seems to be suffering from various problems---sometimes when I empathise with them, I feel indignant about them having to deal with all the nonsense. But I suppose these are just issues that everyone have to deal with at some point in life.
So 2010 is over, and 2011 is now. There are still a few rough edges that need dealing with, but I do have a good feeling for this year, no matter how small it is.
Towards a better future!
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Crimbo Season
And so ends another Christmas, which to me, is just like any other day. Mostly.
I'm starting to get really apathetic towards most of the holidays that I am facing. To me, these holidays are just days in which I can spend on catching up on sleep, an enterprise that seems to be getting more and more relevant as time goes by, in spite of the various assurances that this would not be the case.
Perhaps my priorities are placed in the wrong places?
But yes, Christmas. Originally a celebration by the faithful for the birth of their saviour, it has been turned into the biggest mass consumerism event of the entire year. Yes, mass consumerism---the whole ``you should be getting gifts for, oh let's see... everyone?'' kind of perspective that retailers are trying to sell to the people. Bombarded with information that suggests that should one ``not get what one wants for Christmas means something is wrong'', people are subtly suggested to actually spend more during this time period than ever.
And it doesn't really take a genius to realise that.
Surprisingly, I find myself mildly affected by the entire scam perpetuated by the retailers into convincing us that we ought to get some things that we may not really need. But then again, it is likely because of a whole host of other reasons that make me spend just that bit more than usual. Not that I am complaining much (I am still complaining)---there's this intoxicating air that keeps pressuring the self unconsciously to just keep spending.
Anyway, enough of these mumbo jumbo. I need to head off and do more stuff that will relate to the future. Till next time, as always.
I'm starting to get really apathetic towards most of the holidays that I am facing. To me, these holidays are just days in which I can spend on catching up on sleep, an enterprise that seems to be getting more and more relevant as time goes by, in spite of the various assurances that this would not be the case.
Perhaps my priorities are placed in the wrong places?
But yes, Christmas. Originally a celebration by the faithful for the birth of their saviour, it has been turned into the biggest mass consumerism event of the entire year. Yes, mass consumerism---the whole ``you should be getting gifts for, oh let's see... everyone?'' kind of perspective that retailers are trying to sell to the people. Bombarded with information that suggests that should one ``not get what one wants for Christmas means something is wrong'', people are subtly suggested to actually spend more during this time period than ever.
And it doesn't really take a genius to realise that.
Surprisingly, I find myself mildly affected by the entire scam perpetuated by the retailers into convincing us that we ought to get some things that we may not really need. But then again, it is likely because of a whole host of other reasons that make me spend just that bit more than usual. Not that I am complaining much (I am still complaining)---there's this intoxicating air that keeps pressuring the self unconsciously to just keep spending.
Anyway, enough of these mumbo jumbo. I need to head off and do more stuff that will relate to the future. Till next time, as always.
Thursday, December 09, 2010
Awesomeness Day
You know how some days you just feel like crap, and some days you just feel completely awesome?
Well, today is one of those days. I am actually feeling awesome, even without having imbibed any caffeine (which I still ended up doing anyway just in case things go awry). It's a strange form of empowerment to feel awesome, especially during times where more often than not, one feels anything but.
But that said, it is likely to just be the calm before the storm, but let's just keep all the pessimistic thoughts at bay for now, right?
So another week is rapidly passing, and soon we will be in the year of 2011, where things are guaranteed to be much more complicated, among other things. But that's for another time for me to mumble about.
Anyway, I should best make use of this awesomeness and get even more work done.
Well, today is one of those days. I am actually feeling awesome, even without having imbibed any caffeine (which I still ended up doing anyway just in case things go awry). It's a strange form of empowerment to feel awesome, especially during times where more often than not, one feels anything but.
But that said, it is likely to just be the calm before the storm, but let's just keep all the pessimistic thoughts at bay for now, right?
So another week is rapidly passing, and soon we will be in the year of 2011, where things are guaranteed to be much more complicated, among other things. But that's for another time for me to mumble about.
Anyway, I should best make use of this awesomeness and get even more work done.
Sunday, December 05, 2010
Continuous Sleep
It's a Sunday.
What's so special about this day, you might wonder. Nothing really, except that I spent most of the day sleeping in, recovering from the sleep debt that I had incurred over the last few weeks.
It's a most strange thing though, to be sleeping for so many hours at a stretch. My mind feels as though it has been living in the dream world more often than in the real world, what with the whole experience of continuous dreaming. That's right, I actually have the ability to dream in a manner where each dream is continuous with the previous. There's also the ability to dream the same dream many times across time, where each time I get more and more control over what occurs, but I suppose that's a story for another time.
So anyway, continuous dreaming. I woke up this morning feeling rather woozy in the head---it might be that I have been running around fighting monsters just a little bit too much, or that gravity has been acting on my head in a direction that is too orthogonal to what it is used to for more than two-thirds of the day. But one thing is for certain though: I do feel a little more refreshed than before in spite of the wooziness.
Anyway, time for my sleep once more, and off to work I go in the morning.
What's so special about this day, you might wonder. Nothing really, except that I spent most of the day sleeping in, recovering from the sleep debt that I had incurred over the last few weeks.
It's a most strange thing though, to be sleeping for so many hours at a stretch. My mind feels as though it has been living in the dream world more often than in the real world, what with the whole experience of continuous dreaming. That's right, I actually have the ability to dream in a manner where each dream is continuous with the previous. There's also the ability to dream the same dream many times across time, where each time I get more and more control over what occurs, but I suppose that's a story for another time.
So anyway, continuous dreaming. I woke up this morning feeling rather woozy in the head---it might be that I have been running around fighting monsters just a little bit too much, or that gravity has been acting on my head in a direction that is too orthogonal to what it is used to for more than two-thirds of the day. But one thing is for certain though: I do feel a little more refreshed than before in spite of the wooziness.
Anyway, time for my sleep once more, and off to work I go in the morning.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Looking Back...
It is sort of a strange thing to realise that a year has passed on by once again. This is the second year that I am spending in Singapore after my undergraduate stint, and to a large degree it would seem to be the case that I have more or less fallen into the pattern of life here once again, this time from the perspective of the part-time student who doubles as a full-time researcher. Life is not great, but it is still manageable, with careful prioritisation of the activities that I might want to engage in considering the limited amount of time I have and the limited amount of energy I can bring about to get things done.
It's a truly strange season though, this time of the year. I believe that I was probably feeling something similar at this time of the year last year, but at a level that is probably a couple of magnitudes lower now than in the past, since, to be fair, I was in a rather heartbroken state last time, whereas for now, I'm just in a generally disaffected type of emotion. I'm slowly training myself to not worry about all the things that make me sad/depressed, but like always, the theory is often easier to come up with than the practical implementation of the ideas that surround the issue.
It is not that I have given up completely on love, but that I have come to the rather unsettling conclusion that it is not the right time now. The conclusion is unsettling because on the one hand I might actually try to convince myself that the whole business of love and relationships should not be pursued during this rather limited time period that I am facing, but on the other hand, my emotions seem to be doing anything but. No, I've not fallen in love with anyone just yet, having learnt my lesson about the pitfalls of ``falling'' in love, but there's always this missing feeling of some sort that is within me, as though all the activities that I have been engaged in are not doing anything that is helping me keep my mind away from all these things that keep creeping up on me. I'm not really sure how best to describe the entire circumstance, but this is probably the best way that I can say about things for now.
Life seems to always be a consistent uphill struggle for me, or at least, it seems to be the case. Most people are probably happy to get by with whatever job they could get their hands on with the degree/diploma that they might have, but somehow that doesn't seem to be the optimising function that I'm running on---again we find that I'm taking the path of most resistance, and in many ways, am suffering greatly from the choice. It's not so much that things are impossible to handle (that's simply untrue), but that there's just so much of it that everything adds up really quickly. Time commitment issues are among the worst---at this stage, I'm probably overcommitted in time by at least 40% over what I'm supposed to be working, and there is no such thing as an over-time pay that can be claimed. It's a very tiring thing to keep running forwards at full power all the time, losing sleep and other implements that may actually make the job easier in the long run. Am I just a whiney person on this regard? I wouldn't think so, because I have all the evidence to show otherwise.
*sigh*
I'm not exactly bitter over things now, but I'm really just disappointed with myself; I keep having the feeling that I am unable to put in my best in all the things that I have gotten involved with in one way or another, and that feeling of disappointment is probably more depressing than the fact that I am committing to nearly 140% of my 47-hour work week. Being disappointed in the self is much worse than anything else in the world for the simple reason that it impinges on a very fundamental aspect of the ego: the self-confidence.
Self-confidence is a self-reinforcing concept/property of every normal person. If you do something that you are confident of doing and succeed, your confidence in the matter will increase. Conversely, if you are not confident of doing something and you have failed, then your confidence would have shattered. But in the case where you just keep getting hit with failures to meet one's expectations, there will come a point in time where the self-confidence just keeps reeling back from the high levels of negative reinforcement that one was indeed incapable in some sense of the word.
I just hope that my self-confidence hasn't taken such a blow yet.
It's a truly strange season though, this time of the year. I believe that I was probably feeling something similar at this time of the year last year, but at a level that is probably a couple of magnitudes lower now than in the past, since, to be fair, I was in a rather heartbroken state last time, whereas for now, I'm just in a generally disaffected type of emotion. I'm slowly training myself to not worry about all the things that make me sad/depressed, but like always, the theory is often easier to come up with than the practical implementation of the ideas that surround the issue.
It is not that I have given up completely on love, but that I have come to the rather unsettling conclusion that it is not the right time now. The conclusion is unsettling because on the one hand I might actually try to convince myself that the whole business of love and relationships should not be pursued during this rather limited time period that I am facing, but on the other hand, my emotions seem to be doing anything but. No, I've not fallen in love with anyone just yet, having learnt my lesson about the pitfalls of ``falling'' in love, but there's always this missing feeling of some sort that is within me, as though all the activities that I have been engaged in are not doing anything that is helping me keep my mind away from all these things that keep creeping up on me. I'm not really sure how best to describe the entire circumstance, but this is probably the best way that I can say about things for now.
Life seems to always be a consistent uphill struggle for me, or at least, it seems to be the case. Most people are probably happy to get by with whatever job they could get their hands on with the degree/diploma that they might have, but somehow that doesn't seem to be the optimising function that I'm running on---again we find that I'm taking the path of most resistance, and in many ways, am suffering greatly from the choice. It's not so much that things are impossible to handle (that's simply untrue), but that there's just so much of it that everything adds up really quickly. Time commitment issues are among the worst---at this stage, I'm probably overcommitted in time by at least 40% over what I'm supposed to be working, and there is no such thing as an over-time pay that can be claimed. It's a very tiring thing to keep running forwards at full power all the time, losing sleep and other implements that may actually make the job easier in the long run. Am I just a whiney person on this regard? I wouldn't think so, because I have all the evidence to show otherwise.
*sigh*
I'm not exactly bitter over things now, but I'm really just disappointed with myself; I keep having the feeling that I am unable to put in my best in all the things that I have gotten involved with in one way or another, and that feeling of disappointment is probably more depressing than the fact that I am committing to nearly 140% of my 47-hour work week. Being disappointed in the self is much worse than anything else in the world for the simple reason that it impinges on a very fundamental aspect of the ego: the self-confidence.
Self-confidence is a self-reinforcing concept/property of every normal person. If you do something that you are confident of doing and succeed, your confidence in the matter will increase. Conversely, if you are not confident of doing something and you have failed, then your confidence would have shattered. But in the case where you just keep getting hit with failures to meet one's expectations, there will come a point in time where the self-confidence just keeps reeling back from the high levels of negative reinforcement that one was indeed incapable in some sense of the word.
I just hope that my self-confidence hasn't taken such a blow yet.
Saturday, November 27, 2010
NaNoWriMo 2010! Official Winner!
54,206 words later, I am done. Proved to be a little harder than last year, because I had to compress all my writing in the first half of the month and I couldn't do much for the second half due to all the work commitments.
As usual, grab the manuscript from my domain. I'll fill in more details here some time in the future when I have a little more time on my hands.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Rant
I suppose it has probably gotten to the time in life where one is starting to get more ``boring'' as a general rule of thumb, because I find that I have less and less interesting things that I really want to talk about over here, or even on my other blog. I'm a little less pensieve than before, partly because there's just so much that needs to be done that I have little time to be worrying about other things that might be affecting me, this being November and all. Oh and the fact that every day, in effect, I am mostly working on things alone, just me with my machines in my cubicle, wondering about why something wasn't working in the way that one would think ought to work, only to end the work day with a few queries still left in the mind that needs some more investigation once I reach home.
I have been told by many people about how they can read the various research papers on the buses and the other public transport---I'm not that super to be able to do that. One thing is that I am afflicted by motion sickness, so actually reading anything on any moving vehicle is probably going to cause more grief than anything else. Couple that with the fact that I absolutely adore annotating the text I'm reading, it means the the three hours that I use each day travelling to and fro work are effectively ``dead'' time that I cannot use to do all these readings.
Maybe it is a good thing for me, in a certain sense. Already I'm feeling the effects of being overworked---my mind has been drifting all over the place, sleep has been rather fitful, appetite has been low, irritability has gone up, and I'm seriously starting to look forward to the weekends. This cannot be a good thing considering all that had happened---I've always thought that I was a workaholic, yet now, when faced with the harsh realities of an effective over-commitment of time, it feels as though I'm not as I thought I once was; I was still human with silly human requirements after all. Like sleep and its friends.
I was assured back in my undergraduate years that once I was done with undergrad, life will not be any more hectic. Then, just like now, I knew that it was a lie; it is hardly the case that things will get better over time. If one were lucky, the status quo is maintained and there will hardly be anything that is sworth worrying about any more. But of course, the thing is that in real-life out of that of academia, work is never-ending---everything is ``in the book'' and while you might have access to your ``cheat sheets'' all the time, the fact that you need to consistently be applying all these ideas at least nine-and-a-half hours a day means that at the end of one work day, the sheer feeling of lackadaisicality is just hard ignore.
I supose there is no one else to blame but myself. In many ways, it might be the case that I have been thinking too highly about myself, always setting goals that are so high and hard that most people think that it is sheer folly to even consider, let alone trying to work towards them. Always a need to prove myself, always a need to show something. Maybe one day I will learn how to overcome this character flaw and figure out how to take things a little easier so as to leave myself with some time to actually do the whole ``be alive'' bit as opposed to being a cog in the entire machine.
I started on this post with hardly any true direction---I think this truly qualifies as a rant of some sort. Maybe some day I will get to look back on this, reflect on it, and then learn to laugh if off.
I have been told by many people about how they can read the various research papers on the buses and the other public transport---I'm not that super to be able to do that. One thing is that I am afflicted by motion sickness, so actually reading anything on any moving vehicle is probably going to cause more grief than anything else. Couple that with the fact that I absolutely adore annotating the text I'm reading, it means the the three hours that I use each day travelling to and fro work are effectively ``dead'' time that I cannot use to do all these readings.
Maybe it is a good thing for me, in a certain sense. Already I'm feeling the effects of being overworked---my mind has been drifting all over the place, sleep has been rather fitful, appetite has been low, irritability has gone up, and I'm seriously starting to look forward to the weekends. This cannot be a good thing considering all that had happened---I've always thought that I was a workaholic, yet now, when faced with the harsh realities of an effective over-commitment of time, it feels as though I'm not as I thought I once was; I was still human with silly human requirements after all. Like sleep and its friends.
I was assured back in my undergraduate years that once I was done with undergrad, life will not be any more hectic. Then, just like now, I knew that it was a lie; it is hardly the case that things will get better over time. If one were lucky, the status quo is maintained and there will hardly be anything that is sworth worrying about any more. But of course, the thing is that in real-life out of that of academia, work is never-ending---everything is ``in the book'' and while you might have access to your ``cheat sheets'' all the time, the fact that you need to consistently be applying all these ideas at least nine-and-a-half hours a day means that at the end of one work day, the sheer feeling of lackadaisicality is just hard ignore.
I supose there is no one else to blame but myself. In many ways, it might be the case that I have been thinking too highly about myself, always setting goals that are so high and hard that most people think that it is sheer folly to even consider, let alone trying to work towards them. Always a need to prove myself, always a need to show something. Maybe one day I will learn how to overcome this character flaw and figure out how to take things a little easier so as to leave myself with some time to actually do the whole ``be alive'' bit as opposed to being a cog in the entire machine.
I started on this post with hardly any true direction---I think this truly qualifies as a rant of some sort. Maybe some day I will get to look back on this, reflect on it, and then learn to laugh if off.
Friday, November 12, 2010
용서 못해 (I Cannot Forgive)
It seems that even I am not completely immune to what goes on in society. Anywhere, here's something I've been hooked on to for the last few days:A very catchy hook; can't resist. Also, the lyrics are rather saddening too...
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Initial Capitalisation in Vim
To change the words to be of initial caps, first get to the beginning of the word, then type gUl. To continue for other words, just use w to get to the next word, and . to repeat the action.
Tip from here.
Tip from here.
Monday, November 08, 2010
The Pariah
I am the Pariah, the Ishmael of the microcosm that I was once a member of. Amongst peers, I am peerless, not because of my irrefutable ability, but because I was a non-conformist. I yearn the closeness of a fellow human being, but abhor the vulnerabilities that come with the association. I wish to be loved, but have forgotten what is like to love. I am the abomination of humankind, the very essence of what it is to be an outcast.
Each time when I thought I was a part of a group, circumstances would always show otherwise. The world I live in is a constricting cube of norms, not all of them understandable, not all of them comprehensible. As the months turn into years, the more I live in this world, the more I wish I never lived.
Many a time, the will to live had deserted me, yet somehow I was denied the sweetness of death by factors all encompassing, as though it were my karmic retribution to be in constant suffering. Surrounded by the temptations of a thousand hedonistic practices, lured by the seduction of the evil twin sisters of the muse, I struggle past each day trying to be oblivious to all that is occurring around, with my steadfast holding of the small spark of determination that stems from my life quest of seeking knowledge.
But with each passing day, I find the winds of change increasing in intensity, and at times, that spark that I hold so dearly to seemed all but vanquished, raising my hopes that my piteous existence would be snuffed out once and for all, only to have them dashed like waves upon rocks, with the spark enfeebled but hardly dead. Oh woe it is to be living the life of the unliving!
My rational intellect was torn asunder from aeons past, through the three times of silliness I led myself into, the same three times where I exposed my heart and all to the cruelties that made the world. And thrice I exposed, thrice I did fall, hard each time, from the uncaring stabs from those I thought cared the most. A year of construction had commenced since the last defeat, and slowly but sadly, the fortress was built anew, with nary a thought for any save for myself.
Me. Myself. I!
The fortress that held the castle of the heart is now desolate of the once warm springs of love and emotion. In the throne of Eros now sits the Dark Lord who ruled the land of the unliving, poisoning the ventricles of the beating heart with spite and rage that burned the blood into a boiling mass of chaos. Gone are the compassion and empathy, gone are the feelings of comfort. Welcome to the despair, to the blackness, to the pure feeling of suffering. Such is the lot of my life.
As I sit here fulminating from the recesses of my soul, I wonder when will my karma of suffering finally end.
Each time when I thought I was a part of a group, circumstances would always show otherwise. The world I live in is a constricting cube of norms, not all of them understandable, not all of them comprehensible. As the months turn into years, the more I live in this world, the more I wish I never lived.
Many a time, the will to live had deserted me, yet somehow I was denied the sweetness of death by factors all encompassing, as though it were my karmic retribution to be in constant suffering. Surrounded by the temptations of a thousand hedonistic practices, lured by the seduction of the evil twin sisters of the muse, I struggle past each day trying to be oblivious to all that is occurring around, with my steadfast holding of the small spark of determination that stems from my life quest of seeking knowledge.
But with each passing day, I find the winds of change increasing in intensity, and at times, that spark that I hold so dearly to seemed all but vanquished, raising my hopes that my piteous existence would be snuffed out once and for all, only to have them dashed like waves upon rocks, with the spark enfeebled but hardly dead. Oh woe it is to be living the life of the unliving!
My rational intellect was torn asunder from aeons past, through the three times of silliness I led myself into, the same three times where I exposed my heart and all to the cruelties that made the world. And thrice I exposed, thrice I did fall, hard each time, from the uncaring stabs from those I thought cared the most. A year of construction had commenced since the last defeat, and slowly but sadly, the fortress was built anew, with nary a thought for any save for myself.
Me. Myself. I!
The fortress that held the castle of the heart is now desolate of the once warm springs of love and emotion. In the throne of Eros now sits the Dark Lord who ruled the land of the unliving, poisoning the ventricles of the beating heart with spite and rage that burned the blood into a boiling mass of chaos. Gone are the compassion and empathy, gone are the feelings of comfort. Welcome to the despair, to the blackness, to the pure feeling of suffering. Such is the lot of my life.
As I sit here fulminating from the recesses of my soul, I wonder when will my karma of suffering finally end.
Saturday, November 06, 2010
Dealing With Light Tarnish
If you have some metal stuff with light tarnish, consider using toothpaste as a light abrasive to bring back the shine.
Tuesday, November 02, 2010
Statistics for NaNoWriMo
Some useful tools for NaNoWriMo:
[Ed: Forget these links for now... there's something wrong with the hosting side on NaNoWriMo. Just use the standard widgets for everything.]
- Use http://www.nanowrimo.org/NanowrimoUtils/NanowrimoGraph/yourid.png for a nice breakdown chart.
- Link to http://www.nanowrimo.org/NanowrimoUtils/ProgressReport/yourid.html for the detailed numerical breakdown. See this for my own breakdown.
[Ed: Forget these links for now... there's something wrong with the hosting side on NaNoWriMo. Just use the standard widgets for everything.]
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