Some time back, I mentioned the existence of an iPod Shuffle that I managed to get my hands on. gtkpod was working for it for a while, but it got too messy, because most of my music stuff is done on foobar2000, which is not really a Linux program.
Why foobar2000? Because it is awesome with a really small footprint, unobtrusive interface and the ability to play almost every existing audio format that we might want. Of course, it was annoying that I needed that iTunes program to talk to the iPod on Windows XP, and that's why my iPod shuffle has gone the way of the dodo, sitting in a corner gathering dust.
Until now.
foo_dop is a life-saver. Apart from the small snafu of requiring administrator access levels to do the hardware writing, it does a great job in syncing with the hardware from within foobar2000 itself. This means there is new life for my iPod Shuffle, as my running tool. Not because I like Apple products, but because it is sort of unobtrusive when one is running with little extraneous stuff. To be fair, the iPod Shuffle has a really small form factor, and is thus suitable for running with.
Heck, the built-in clip is just screaming to be used for running.
Now I have an excuse to run even longer, with more high tempo music to sustain me.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Saturday, August 28, 2010
0.0000000143%
One out of nearly 7 billion people. One out of nearly 3.43 billion males. One out of nearly 5 million Singaporeans. One out of nearly 30 thousand researchers in Singapore. One out of nearly 1 thousand computer science researchers in Singapore. One out of a family of four.
One.
I am just one person on this planet. Just this one person, nothing more, and hopefully nothing less. I am no nobility, nor important person in most contexts; I do not come from a rich nor industrious family. Neither am I particularly famous on my own, be it in financial terms or in raw power or even charisma.
If we were to look even beyond that of this planet we call home, the insignificance is even more staggering. We are just one tiny planet among the multitude of star systems, which are the tiny make up of the galaxies and superclusters and everything else. The total known count of particles in the universe has been estimated to be the eightieth power of ten, while even a normal human has at most ten to the fourtieth power of particles.
One.
No matter how we look at things, the sheer insignificance of a single human start to make one wonder---is it all worth it? Are all the things that we do really worth it?
In many systems, the concept of optimisation seems to be the order of the day. Most dynamic systems will optimise themselves to reduce their potential functions to reach a certain sense of stability, even if the transitions themselves are chaotic in nature. As far as science goes, it is tacitly assumed that the long term outcome of any system will be that where the potential function governing the system is at its global optimal. In some sense, this is codified in the second law of thermodynamics---a system in maximum entropy is taken to be at the most globally optimal configuration, because any other configuration requires an expenditure of energy to do work against the ``nature'' of the system.
But the same cannot be said for human life. Empirically speaking, it would seem to be the case that humans are working against entropy and seeking things that are away from the global optimal configuration of their world. These can be seen from the continual battle between societies and nature, with the creation of artificial domiciles that reside in man-made oases amongst the natural greenery, where the original inhabitants of the land are all but wiped out to satiate the ever-growing lust of space and novelty by humankind.
One.
Perhaps that tirade against humanity in general is too abstract to be comprehended by the mere person, the single entity whose numbers self-organise into the juggernaut known as humanity. Let us try to look at this from a slightly different perspective, but with a similar sort of insight that we are looking for. There are many things that the single person is unwilling to do, for instance, losing a job, or even losing a loved one to either diseases or some catastrophe, man-made or otherwise. But in the larger context, be it in the context of a company or even a country, the concept of ``for the greater good'' keeps appearing as a dictum, and armed with that maxim, sacrifices by the individual have to be made. So, for a company's overall performance, it might be that a single person needs to be fired for incompetence, but to that person fired, it would appear to be ``unfair'' that he/she be axed from the work force like that. To the company, it is exercising a global optimisation option, to optimise the benefit of the larger group that comprise the company, but to the individual, he/she wants to optimise locally, for himself/herself so that he/she can still be a part of the whole, whether or not it is ultimately successful in the global configuration or not.
A similar inductive argument can be made from the level of companies with some other higher hierarchical sytem, with the company playing the old role of the individual and the higher level playing the old part of the company, and ad nauseum. What is the point of it all, you might ask.
Humans are inherently selfish.
This is where my self-doubt comes in. I see myself as a hard core computer scientist, in the sense that I believe strongly that theories of computation are at the core of everything that comprises the universe. I also believe that in many instances, it is often a good idea to operate such that we perform a global optimisation of the system as much as possible to better use the limited resources that we have.
Up to this point, things are mostly idealistic.
And then I look at myself. As noted right in the beginning, I am just a nobody. If I truly believed in my ideals that things ought to be done such as to optimise the global system, then a natural deduction would be that my existence is meaningless and thus is a consumption of resources that produces no useful output. Within the reasoning that I had set forth, I should be thusly removed from the system to better allow other more useful components to get the extra resources to be even more useful.
But by that reasoning, almost all of the other people need to be similarly eliminated because almost everyone else is not contributing to the overall system in a meaningful way. Clearly there is something wrong with that reasoning.
I suppose that part of the problem comes from the human's selfishness/survival instinct, and part of the problem comes from the fact that we are not wholly conversant of the form in which the universal potential function looks like at our granularity. Physicists assume that the laws of physics work exactly the same in spite of the frame of reference/location within the universe, but even they have big issues predicting things that get increasingly local, as can be seen by the current irreconciliation between quantum theories that govern the most local of reactions and relativity that governs the massive scale interactions. If the physicists, who are claimed to be the explainers of reality, cannot figure out the equations that fully describe our universe at all its resolution, then how do we lay people and people of power can claim that what we are doing is indeed ``optimal''?
There's another thing that bears mentioning. In many cases, the potential functions used to determine the state of a system have an asymptotic form---the functions are deemed correct only when given what is effectively a very very long time, infinite in most cases. Unfortunately, this does not translate readily into our local frame of reference, simply because our own existence is often not a very long time. Thus, it might even be logically sound to deduce that we will never truly know what the potential function is. Put in another way, there is no real way of telling what the global optimisation strategy ought to be, because we do not even have a proper model that can describe the system under study.
Put even more simply, we are all operating on a basis of mistakes ever since day one.
In a somewhat roundabout sense, this helps reconcile my doubts of self-worth. While it is true that in the larger scheme of things, I am completely worthless like other people, but if I am happy enough to restrict the domain of discourse, then no one can truly find fault with me for dictating my own terms for a potential function and thus optimise it the way I want.
In short, I think I have justified to myself that being selfish is alright and it is indeed a natural part of being a human. Altruism is a fad and has little to no evidence to support that it is indeed something worthy of pursuit.
But that said, it will take me many a year to undo all that altruistic thought patterns and habits that I have been socially programmed to do over the last two decades of my life. While not going into yet another extreme, I think that this is probably what I need right now to reinject a sense of purpose into what has been a decline into obsoleteness.
World, watch out. I am coming back with a vengeance.
One.
I am just one person on this planet. Just this one person, nothing more, and hopefully nothing less. I am no nobility, nor important person in most contexts; I do not come from a rich nor industrious family. Neither am I particularly famous on my own, be it in financial terms or in raw power or even charisma.
If we were to look even beyond that of this planet we call home, the insignificance is even more staggering. We are just one tiny planet among the multitude of star systems, which are the tiny make up of the galaxies and superclusters and everything else. The total known count of particles in the universe has been estimated to be the eightieth power of ten, while even a normal human has at most ten to the fourtieth power of particles.
One.
No matter how we look at things, the sheer insignificance of a single human start to make one wonder---is it all worth it? Are all the things that we do really worth it?
In many systems, the concept of optimisation seems to be the order of the day. Most dynamic systems will optimise themselves to reduce their potential functions to reach a certain sense of stability, even if the transitions themselves are chaotic in nature. As far as science goes, it is tacitly assumed that the long term outcome of any system will be that where the potential function governing the system is at its global optimal. In some sense, this is codified in the second law of thermodynamics---a system in maximum entropy is taken to be at the most globally optimal configuration, because any other configuration requires an expenditure of energy to do work against the ``nature'' of the system.
But the same cannot be said for human life. Empirically speaking, it would seem to be the case that humans are working against entropy and seeking things that are away from the global optimal configuration of their world. These can be seen from the continual battle between societies and nature, with the creation of artificial domiciles that reside in man-made oases amongst the natural greenery, where the original inhabitants of the land are all but wiped out to satiate the ever-growing lust of space and novelty by humankind.
One.
Perhaps that tirade against humanity in general is too abstract to be comprehended by the mere person, the single entity whose numbers self-organise into the juggernaut known as humanity. Let us try to look at this from a slightly different perspective, but with a similar sort of insight that we are looking for. There are many things that the single person is unwilling to do, for instance, losing a job, or even losing a loved one to either diseases or some catastrophe, man-made or otherwise. But in the larger context, be it in the context of a company or even a country, the concept of ``for the greater good'' keeps appearing as a dictum, and armed with that maxim, sacrifices by the individual have to be made. So, for a company's overall performance, it might be that a single person needs to be fired for incompetence, but to that person fired, it would appear to be ``unfair'' that he/she be axed from the work force like that. To the company, it is exercising a global optimisation option, to optimise the benefit of the larger group that comprise the company, but to the individual, he/she wants to optimise locally, for himself/herself so that he/she can still be a part of the whole, whether or not it is ultimately successful in the global configuration or not.
A similar inductive argument can be made from the level of companies with some other higher hierarchical sytem, with the company playing the old role of the individual and the higher level playing the old part of the company, and ad nauseum. What is the point of it all, you might ask.
Humans are inherently selfish.
This is where my self-doubt comes in. I see myself as a hard core computer scientist, in the sense that I believe strongly that theories of computation are at the core of everything that comprises the universe. I also believe that in many instances, it is often a good idea to operate such that we perform a global optimisation of the system as much as possible to better use the limited resources that we have.
Up to this point, things are mostly idealistic.
And then I look at myself. As noted right in the beginning, I am just a nobody. If I truly believed in my ideals that things ought to be done such as to optimise the global system, then a natural deduction would be that my existence is meaningless and thus is a consumption of resources that produces no useful output. Within the reasoning that I had set forth, I should be thusly removed from the system to better allow other more useful components to get the extra resources to be even more useful.
But by that reasoning, almost all of the other people need to be similarly eliminated because almost everyone else is not contributing to the overall system in a meaningful way. Clearly there is something wrong with that reasoning.
I suppose that part of the problem comes from the human's selfishness/survival instinct, and part of the problem comes from the fact that we are not wholly conversant of the form in which the universal potential function looks like at our granularity. Physicists assume that the laws of physics work exactly the same in spite of the frame of reference/location within the universe, but even they have big issues predicting things that get increasingly local, as can be seen by the current irreconciliation between quantum theories that govern the most local of reactions and relativity that governs the massive scale interactions. If the physicists, who are claimed to be the explainers of reality, cannot figure out the equations that fully describe our universe at all its resolution, then how do we lay people and people of power can claim that what we are doing is indeed ``optimal''?
There's another thing that bears mentioning. In many cases, the potential functions used to determine the state of a system have an asymptotic form---the functions are deemed correct only when given what is effectively a very very long time, infinite in most cases. Unfortunately, this does not translate readily into our local frame of reference, simply because our own existence is often not a very long time. Thus, it might even be logically sound to deduce that we will never truly know what the potential function is. Put in another way, there is no real way of telling what the global optimisation strategy ought to be, because we do not even have a proper model that can describe the system under study.
Put even more simply, we are all operating on a basis of mistakes ever since day one.
In a somewhat roundabout sense, this helps reconcile my doubts of self-worth. While it is true that in the larger scheme of things, I am completely worthless like other people, but if I am happy enough to restrict the domain of discourse, then no one can truly find fault with me for dictating my own terms for a potential function and thus optimise it the way I want.
In short, I think I have justified to myself that being selfish is alright and it is indeed a natural part of being a human. Altruism is a fad and has little to no evidence to support that it is indeed something worthy of pursuit.
But that said, it will take me many a year to undo all that altruistic thought patterns and habits that I have been socially programmed to do over the last two decades of my life. While not going into yet another extreme, I think that this is probably what I need right now to reinject a sense of purpose into what has been a decline into obsoleteness.
World, watch out. I am coming back with a vengeance.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
長門 有希
And so I took the plunge.
I sunk in some cash to get a 長門 有希 figurine. I was deciding between Figma and Fraulein Revoltech, and the Revoltech seemed to have won the day.
No, I did not buy it from Japan; there's a nice dude selling them on eBay Singapore. I even managed to get two of her---one brand new in unopened box and one that was opened once that I can use for display.
But of course the question remains: why now? I suppose I just wanted to surround myself with things that make me happy. I have been a big fan of 長門 有希 when I first saw her in the anime 涼宮ハルヒの憂鬱, or The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya. Something about her stoic character, high intelligence and impossibly reliable ability to alter reality making me a really big fan of her. She is probably one of the deepest characters in the series, and her powerful sense of reasoning is one thing that I always look forward to when I was watching the anime.
Heh, I don't really have to repeat myself, for I have said something on this a long time ago. Alright, enough for now.
[Ed: And here she is, all geared up with her guitar to rock it out!]
I sunk in some cash to get a 長門 有希 figurine. I was deciding between Figma and Fraulein Revoltech, and the Revoltech seemed to have won the day.
No, I did not buy it from Japan; there's a nice dude selling them on eBay Singapore. I even managed to get two of her---one brand new in unopened box and one that was opened once that I can use for display.
But of course the question remains: why now? I suppose I just wanted to surround myself with things that make me happy. I have been a big fan of 長門 有希 when I first saw her in the anime 涼宮ハルヒの憂鬱, or The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya. Something about her stoic character, high intelligence and impossibly reliable ability to alter reality making me a really big fan of her. She is probably one of the deepest characters in the series, and her powerful sense of reasoning is one thing that I always look forward to when I was watching the anime.
Heh, I don't really have to repeat myself, for I have said something on this a long time ago. Alright, enough for now.
[Ed: And here she is, all geared up with her guitar to rock it out!]
Monday, August 09, 2010
National Day Parade...?
National day eh? I suppose I am around in Singapore during the times that August 9 comes around, and honestly, I've learnt to not take the National Day Parade (NDP) too seriously. The only segment in the NDP that I really enjoy a lot is the initial parade, with all the line-up of the uniformed personnel, and the whole guard-of-honour thing. That portion of the NDP feels more meaningful to me than all the other segments combined, which is usually the main ``meat'' of the show. Somehow seeing the uniformed personnel in formation feels more like a parade than a bunch of loosely connected mass-displays ever was.
Strangely this is something that is completely contradictory to what I used to like in the past---I used to find the parade portion boring and the mass displays portion more interesting. I suppose that tastes change over time, and probably when I was young, I didn't really understand the effort and meaning behind the parade drill, and of course the mass display segments were understandably more alluring due to their colourful combinations of sight and sound. Two-and-a-half years of national service later, I think I have learnt to appreciate what it means to have an armed force capable of providing contingents for a drill parade. There's this certain smugness that I feel each time I see the neat rows and columns of men and women in uniform---I think this shows solidarity of a nation much better than any other mass display can, but that's just my take.
As such, this year's viewing of the NDP over the television was no different from the others---I just watched the early segment of the drill parade and then tuned out to work on some other stuff that I need to do. Incidentally, the stuff I'm working on is related to work, so I shall not talk about that here.
After a year of procrastinating, I have finally procured a new bicycle to replace the boneshaker that I had since national service days. That machine was a second-hand wreck salvaged from Cash Converters a good seven plus years ago, and had undergone quite a bit of restoration works, and have survived at least 3 accidents that I know of. It's no longer that road worthy now (something about shot brakes, misaligned spokes and stuff like that), and so I have decided to get myself another machine that I can use to re-explore the neighbourhood once again, and to get some more exercise. And so I did.
Among the more important things that I did with it was to get it engraved and recorded in the database at the Police Centre as suggested in this circular. So I have a bike that is a little more protected against theft, which is always a good thing.
I never really liked running all that much. The lack of a view, the low stamina of mine, the relatively low speeds all make it a very boring and uncomfortable sport that is not fun. The one and only time that I could run more than 2.4km was when I plugged myself with some relatively high tempo music---I can understand why many runners need to have their music players with them before they can do any form of ``serious'' running.
Anyway, I think that I have digressed a lot by now. Have a happy national day.
Strangely this is something that is completely contradictory to what I used to like in the past---I used to find the parade portion boring and the mass displays portion more interesting. I suppose that tastes change over time, and probably when I was young, I didn't really understand the effort and meaning behind the parade drill, and of course the mass display segments were understandably more alluring due to their colourful combinations of sight and sound. Two-and-a-half years of national service later, I think I have learnt to appreciate what it means to have an armed force capable of providing contingents for a drill parade. There's this certain smugness that I feel each time I see the neat rows and columns of men and women in uniform---I think this shows solidarity of a nation much better than any other mass display can, but that's just my take.
As such, this year's viewing of the NDP over the television was no different from the others---I just watched the early segment of the drill parade and then tuned out to work on some other stuff that I need to do. Incidentally, the stuff I'm working on is related to work, so I shall not talk about that here.
After a year of procrastinating, I have finally procured a new bicycle to replace the boneshaker that I had since national service days. That machine was a second-hand wreck salvaged from Cash Converters a good seven plus years ago, and had undergone quite a bit of restoration works, and have survived at least 3 accidents that I know of. It's no longer that road worthy now (something about shot brakes, misaligned spokes and stuff like that), and so I have decided to get myself another machine that I can use to re-explore the neighbourhood once again, and to get some more exercise. And so I did.
Among the more important things that I did with it was to get it engraved and recorded in the database at the Police Centre as suggested in this circular. So I have a bike that is a little more protected against theft, which is always a good thing.
I never really liked running all that much. The lack of a view, the low stamina of mine, the relatively low speeds all make it a very boring and uncomfortable sport that is not fun. The one and only time that I could run more than 2.4km was when I plugged myself with some relatively high tempo music---I can understand why many runners need to have their music players with them before they can do any form of ``serious'' running.
Anyway, I think that I have digressed a lot by now. Have a happy national day.
Sunday, August 08, 2010
Self-Inquiry to Sociability
So really, people terrify me to no end. I've been going on that path of knowledge discovery for so long that I haven't really figured out how best to interact with people not on a professional level. An irony considering the position that I am in, but it can hardly be a trait of mine if it didn't involve at least one contradiction, can it?
I suppose it is for that reason that I never really liked being in large crowds of people---it makes me feel very uncomfortable, sometimes even to the point where I have the sudden urge to be violent or to hide away and not be found. As I reviewd the past decisions that I have made and the things that I have experienced, I seem to have discovered one pattern: I barge into people's lives like the Kool-Aid Man barges into homes, often making people more than a little uncomfortable as I jar them out of their comfort zones rudely.
In retrospect, that's why my past relationships were failures too. Put simply, if I couldn't work out well in the normal social setting, why would it even work out for a more intimate one?
Unfortunately for myself, I'm not really that social in general---most times where I am social, I am on some kind of self-induced high/mania and have this odd pressing need to be extraverted, just like how that old MBTI test said.
But how then do I go about knowing more people on a more personal level?
I suppose it is for that reason that I never really liked being in large crowds of people---it makes me feel very uncomfortable, sometimes even to the point where I have the sudden urge to be violent or to hide away and not be found. As I reviewd the past decisions that I have made and the things that I have experienced, I seem to have discovered one pattern: I barge into people's lives like the Kool-Aid Man barges into homes, often making people more than a little uncomfortable as I jar them out of their comfort zones rudely.
In retrospect, that's why my past relationships were failures too. Put simply, if I couldn't work out well in the normal social setting, why would it even work out for a more intimate one?
Unfortunately for myself, I'm not really that social in general---most times where I am social, I am on some kind of self-induced high/mania and have this odd pressing need to be extraverted, just like how that old MBTI test said.
But how then do I go about knowing more people on a more personal level?
Thursday, August 05, 2010
August Cometh
August. A month that promises much more work than before as things start to kick into full swing with all the projects ramping up to their actual speeds. Since Saturday, I have gone mostly cold turkey with coffee, and am surviving on a slightly less potent source of caffeine, namely green tea. Actually that isn't the whole story either, since I also consume other more ``herbal'' concoctions like the flower teas (hibiscus, chrysanthemum and chamomile). Surprisingly, apart from the massive headache induced partially by a nasal infection and partially by the withdrawal symptoms, nothing much came from it.
So what's new right? That's the question that everyone likes to ask. Nothing much at the moment, perhaps some new thoughts from introspection. Firstly, recall the previous post (and the relyric). The more I listen to it, the more I am convinced that it is highly descriptive of my general situation with regards to the relationship front with females. I do suffer from thinking that I'm matured enough to handle a relationship, and at least in the earliest cases, I did declare a commitment to love to the girl whom I was dating. What a fool I was. At least I started to wise up a little, especially from the last one---I used an alternative L-word that was more accurate in describing my feelings, namely ``like'' instead of ``love''. And of course, I definitely have my moments where the strong emotional need was what that drove me towards initiating a relationship in the first place. This is amply evidenced even in the semi-public entries of this blog, so I shall spare my own embarassment of bringing up the instances here. So what do these all mean? My choice to stay out of things like that seems to be even more justified than before---I think I'm starting to understand what Cui meant by ``knowing what I like first'' or something like that. In spite of my humble boastings of knowing myself pretty well, I think that even I have some places that I'm currently incapable of exploring alone, and perhaps that temporarily taboo place is defining what it is that I like in general, from my career path, to the type of mate I am looking for. I suppose these deep and rather subjective portions are sufficiently alien to me that I am unconsciously fearful to tread and explore. This is where having access to a therapist would be useful, but this place being Singapore, if I did seek a counsellor to talk about these things, it would probably end up as being yet another attribute for people to add stigma to.
Self-exploration. I suppose that's why these days I'm a little more introspective than before, as I consciously and unconsciously dig deeper into my psyche to discover all these things that have never really surfaced before. Perhaps once I can figure out what these things are, I will be in a better shape to get involved in relationships again.
Secondly, I got a Dingoo A330, a portable gaming console that works by having a ton of emulators on it. It's a nifty device with a decent battery life of around 8 hours (reported). Helps keep those compiling/simulation times less boring and stressful.
I'd write more, but I'm really tired and it is really late and it is a work day tomorrow.
So what's new right? That's the question that everyone likes to ask. Nothing much at the moment, perhaps some new thoughts from introspection. Firstly, recall the previous post (and the relyric). The more I listen to it, the more I am convinced that it is highly descriptive of my general situation with regards to the relationship front with females. I do suffer from thinking that I'm matured enough to handle a relationship, and at least in the earliest cases, I did declare a commitment to love to the girl whom I was dating. What a fool I was. At least I started to wise up a little, especially from the last one---I used an alternative L-word that was more accurate in describing my feelings, namely ``like'' instead of ``love''. And of course, I definitely have my moments where the strong emotional need was what that drove me towards initiating a relationship in the first place. This is amply evidenced even in the semi-public entries of this blog, so I shall spare my own embarassment of bringing up the instances here. So what do these all mean? My choice to stay out of things like that seems to be even more justified than before---I think I'm starting to understand what Cui meant by ``knowing what I like first'' or something like that. In spite of my humble boastings of knowing myself pretty well, I think that even I have some places that I'm currently incapable of exploring alone, and perhaps that temporarily taboo place is defining what it is that I like in general, from my career path, to the type of mate I am looking for. I suppose these deep and rather subjective portions are sufficiently alien to me that I am unconsciously fearful to tread and explore. This is where having access to a therapist would be useful, but this place being Singapore, if I did seek a counsellor to talk about these things, it would probably end up as being yet another attribute for people to add stigma to.
Self-exploration. I suppose that's why these days I'm a little more introspective than before, as I consciously and unconsciously dig deeper into my psyche to discover all these things that have never really surfaced before. Perhaps once I can figure out what these things are, I will be in a better shape to get involved in relationships again.
Secondly, I got a Dingoo A330, a portable gaming console that works by having a ton of emulators on it. It's a nifty device with a decent battery life of around 8 hours (reported). Helps keep those compiling/simulation times less boring and stressful.
I'd write more, but I'm really tired and it is really late and it is a work day tomorrow.
Wednesday, August 04, 2010
动不动就说爱我
Another new album set that I had, and I found this gem:(Can't find the version that I have.)
Perhaps this is the song that all the women I have dated want to sing to me.
动不动就说爱我——百合二重唱For the translation, check out the relyric I wrote here. The relyric attempts to capture the story/lesson that this song is trying to tell.
离别后也没有什么会让我更难过的理由
只不过很想让泪水 痛快一次的泛流
每个人都错 错在自己太成熟
轻易让爱上心头 ｢让爱上心头｣
动不动就说爱我 谁又量过爱多久
才能当作一生的承诺
留不留你又如何 一旦尘埃落地后
就让泪水洗清我伤口
是不是人都难免有感动得忘了我的时候
一颗心变得好脆弱 需要多情的温柔
每个人都错 错在自己无保留
轻易让爱上心头 ｢让爱上心头｣
动不动就说爱我 也不问我要什么
给一个捉不到的承诺
留不留你又如何 反正你还是要走
只盼望别踩痛我伤口
Perhaps this is the song that all the women I have dated want to sing to me.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Ech, Tuesday?
A bat of the eye, and suddenly it is Tuesday all over again. My sore calf muscles have mostly recovered from the 5.2km run that I took on a whim last Saturday night, and I have largely snuggled up against the new 1980s mando-pop CD set that I have bought off eBay Singapore.
I'm not sure about other people, but I find that when I live my life out, there are time periods that have a certain ``theme'' associated with them. For instance, some times there is the ``I'm a martial arts hero'' theme and I find my Aikido training producing really good results, with much better knowledge retention of the techniques and concepts. Some days, I find myself gravitating more to the ``I'm a musician'' theme, and then I keep playing the multitude of musical instruments that I have lying around. Yet there are other days that I feel like a philosopher and start thinking/writing about the things that I observe around me, mostly about how society is on the route of collapse, and how many of the perceived social norms are really lousy habits in disguise.
So what about these themes? They govern to a certain a degree the type of music that I listen to, which can span from ballads to progressive rock/death metal, to purely instrumental pieces featuring instruments from the West, East and more complicated lineages (like the Theremin). Well that's just one direction of the equivalence operator, since the choice of music itself can affect the ``theme'' that I am in that day.
Okay, I'm not sure if I'm making sense there, so I'll just stop. One itching eyeball is enough to drive me insane, and I think some sleep will probably help deal with it.
Maybe when I'm a little up to it, I will rant about some of the things that I have been thinking about for a while.
I'm not sure about other people, but I find that when I live my life out, there are time periods that have a certain ``theme'' associated with them. For instance, some times there is the ``I'm a martial arts hero'' theme and I find my Aikido training producing really good results, with much better knowledge retention of the techniques and concepts. Some days, I find myself gravitating more to the ``I'm a musician'' theme, and then I keep playing the multitude of musical instruments that I have lying around. Yet there are other days that I feel like a philosopher and start thinking/writing about the things that I observe around me, mostly about how society is on the route of collapse, and how many of the perceived social norms are really lousy habits in disguise.
So what about these themes? They govern to a certain a degree the type of music that I listen to, which can span from ballads to progressive rock/death metal, to purely instrumental pieces featuring instruments from the West, East and more complicated lineages (like the Theremin). Well that's just one direction of the equivalence operator, since the choice of music itself can affect the ``theme'' that I am in that day.
Okay, I'm not sure if I'm making sense there, so I'll just stop. One itching eyeball is enough to drive me insane, and I think some sleep will probably help deal with it.
Maybe when I'm a little up to it, I will rant about some of the things that I have been thinking about for a while.
Yet Another Song Rediscovered
OMG. I've been looking for this song for a long time: never could remember the name.
Time to really look into the 80s/90s music again.
牵引——邓妙华The lyrics are short, but they are quite salient to how things can be in and out of a relationship. Lyrics courtesy www.inkui.com.
如果我们俩从来不曾相恋
泪水不会占据我的眼
如果你的心还有一点牵挂
不会将我孤独的留下
我不愿回顾 因为在记忆深处
思念常刺痛我心灵
人生旅程 充满艰辛和坎坷
我需要你的双手牵引
Time to really look into the 80s/90s music again.
Monday, July 26, 2010
Finite Simple Group of Order Two
Can't talk about Nerdcore without this classic:
Finite Simple Group of Order Two------The Klein Four GroupLyrics courtesy of sweetlyrics.com.
The path of love is never smooth
But mine's continuous for you
You're the upper bound in the chains of my heart
You're my Axiom of Choice, you know it's true
But lately our relation's not so well-defined
And I just can't function without you
I'll prove my proposition and I'm sure you'll find
We're a finite simple group of order two
I'm losing my identity
I'm getting tensor every day
And without loss of generality
I will assume that you feel the same way
Since every time I see you, you just quotient out
The faithful image that I map into
But when we're one-to-one you'll see what I'm about
'Cause we're a finite simple group of order two
Our equivalence was stable,
A principal love bundle sitting deep inside
But then you drove a wedge between our two-forms
Now everything is so complexified
When we first met, we simply connected
My heart was open but too dense
Our system was already directed
To have a finite limit, in some sense
I'm living in the kernel of a rank-one map
From my domain, its image looks so blue,
'Cause all I see are zeroes, it's a cruel trap
But we're a finite simple group of order two
I'm not the smoothest operator in my class,
But we're a mirror pair, me and you,
So let's apply forgetful functors to the past
And be a finite simple group, a finite simple group,
Let's be a finite simple group of order two
(Oughter: "Why not three?")
I've proved my proposition now, as you can see,
So let's both be associative and free
And by corollary, this shows you and I to be
Purely inseparable. Q. E. D.
Where Are All The Girls?
Nerdcore! Man, I used to listen to these back in college. Now I feel like an old man. Blech!
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Nostalgia
This used to be my favourite song. It still is, but it can be rather depressing, in spite of its up-tempo feel. Also note that since this song is from the 90s, the MTV and the music have almost nothing to do with each other...
Lyrics courtesy LetsSingIt.
Why------Tiggy
Na na na na, Na na na
Na na na na, Na na na
Na na na na, Na na na
Na na na na, Na na na
Standing beside you
wishing you'd always be close to me
And how can I tell you
every night I see you in my dreams
Believe me
don't be me
I would never let you go
Why, why do this have to be a fantasy
Let's make our love become reality
Oh, how I pray for that day to come
When we'll be joined together close as one
together close as one
I feel the passion
Burning deep inside my soul
And you're the solution
I know you'd catch me if I fall
Believe me,
don't be me
I would never let you go
(Why...) Why, why do this have to be a fantasy
Let's make our love become reality
Oh, how I pray for that day to come
When we'll be joined together close as one (Na na na na, Na na na)
Together as one (Na na na na, Na na na)
Together as one (Na na na na, Na na na)
Together as one (Na na na na, Na na na)
Together as one
Don't be me, don't be me
I would never let you go
Why, why do this have to be a fantasy
Let's make our love become reality
Oh, how I pray for that day to come
When we'll be joined together close as one (Na na na na, Na na na)
Together as one (Na na na na, Na na na)
Together as one (Na na na na, Na na na)
Together as one (Na na na na, Na na na)
Together as one
Lyrics courtesy LetsSingIt.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Risible...
Chew on this (adapted from WordSmith.org's A.Word.A.Day newsletter):
- risible, adjective
- laughable; ludicrous
- disposed to laugh
- relating to laughter
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Soliloquy Deux
Strange what a good night's sleep can do. I suppose things are a little better in my head space after some decent sleep. But of course, that doesn't preclude me from rescinding from the choices I have made; though it does lend things a new light that I can probably use right now about how things should go. And I suppose I'm not able to see past the choice that I have made since I don't really understand it.
Time to do some mind-diving and introspection once more.
Time to do some mind-diving and introspection once more.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Soliloquy
Some things can be changed in a person, while there are a great many that cannot be. In my case, I suppose the whole misanthropic ideal is probably the most unchanging trait within me. I ventured out of my shell for quite a few years now, and somehow I find the experience not particularly exhilirating---getting out of one's shell makes one vulnerable.
And the last thing I want to be is to be vulnerable.
Weakness is one thing that I seem to refuse to acknowledge in any of its forms. It's probably a character flaw/trait, but I don't really care about it. So many things have come and gone; I used to trust in people, now I trust almost no one. It is not too hard a decision really, but some habits take a little bit of time to break. It is frustrating to always have to put on a mask that makes me more friendly than I really am---in many ways, I never really grew up. That child-like curiousity that I am so proud of is also the same trait that is causing my eventual downfall, as I never really progressed beyond what I had up to the age of eighteen or twenty.
Forever the immature one, right? I call bullshit.
That is just a perception, like everything else. And like every single kind of perception, it is alterable. Just because I maintain my curiousity doesn't mean that I have ``not grown up''; what it really means is that I have figured out how to meld the positive traits from the past with the ridiculous social mores that is in the present and future.
I'm just tired of people in general. It's tautologous---I think they don't understand me enough, so I don't share, and I don't share because they don't understand me enough. I have told many people that trying to ``know me'' is a rather dangerous and delicate procedure---that headspace of mine is fairly warped by this stage, and any attempt to try and make sense of what is going on is just leading one down the path of unadulterated insanity.
I am, as they might call it, a failed human. Failed in the physical sense, and now, failed in the mental sense. Put it even more bluntly, I'm fucked up in the head. Woo-wee. Do I enjoy being fucked up in the head? That's... hard to answer, because the concept of pleasure and pain is one that I have long learnt to not bother identifying, since either outcome is going to lead to an eventual discomfort that radiates throughout my very being.
If I were purely good or purely evil, obviously things would have been much easier, since there is literally a paragon that can serve as a guide to how one ought to behave. But of course, life with its tortuous roads is nothing like that, and I find myself perpetually stuck in that in-between place that causes the most grief and pain for everyone, including myself.
I don't know why I have this sudden... distaste of people. I used to have small bouts of it, but recently, this has become something more chronic. I can only venture a guess or two as to why the outcomes are so, but really, I'm just tired. Tired of the drama, tired of having to deal with people at the emotional level. Tired of being an actor; tired of being a spectator. Tired of taking charge, tired of merely following orders. Tired of being in the limelight, tired of being in the background.
I'm all messed up in the head.
No wonder people don't like me. No wonder relationships don't work out. No wonder I keep causing trouble for myself. No wonder my luck runs out. All these things are starting to make sense now, and I am seriously starting to consider taking really radical steps to just lobomotise away the messed up parts.
Unfortunately, science doesn't work that way and I find myself living through yet another day as a zombie whose brain had been enslaved by the very metaphysical entity of ``productive work''. It's a sad life really, having little to look forward to except to the glorious day when my body fails me once and for all and I die, peacefully or otherwise. Maybe death is the only true source of salvation for the likes of me, where the social barometers within ourselves are completely broken beyond repair.
And in spite of my time of need, I actively push everyone away, close or otherwise. Perhaps this is related to my concept of weakness---I don't want to appear weak. Or perhaps it is just me not knowing how to consult others for help, internally still paranoid at what people can do with the little information that they have on me.
Normalcy is among the last things for me I suppose. If I have to trade 10 years of life to one year of being an eccentric, I think with high probability I wouldn't mind doing that just to be someone who is cursorily unwilling to follow the mores of society for the sake of being a follower.
And once more, why do I say all these? Is there an overarching theme that I am trying to present? That is for all the aspiring psychoanalysts to decide. I'm out of here for now.
And the last thing I want to be is to be vulnerable.
Weakness is one thing that I seem to refuse to acknowledge in any of its forms. It's probably a character flaw/trait, but I don't really care about it. So many things have come and gone; I used to trust in people, now I trust almost no one. It is not too hard a decision really, but some habits take a little bit of time to break. It is frustrating to always have to put on a mask that makes me more friendly than I really am---in many ways, I never really grew up. That child-like curiousity that I am so proud of is also the same trait that is causing my eventual downfall, as I never really progressed beyond what I had up to the age of eighteen or twenty.
Forever the immature one, right? I call bullshit.
That is just a perception, like everything else. And like every single kind of perception, it is alterable. Just because I maintain my curiousity doesn't mean that I have ``not grown up''; what it really means is that I have figured out how to meld the positive traits from the past with the ridiculous social mores that is in the present and future.
I'm just tired of people in general. It's tautologous---I think they don't understand me enough, so I don't share, and I don't share because they don't understand me enough. I have told many people that trying to ``know me'' is a rather dangerous and delicate procedure---that headspace of mine is fairly warped by this stage, and any attempt to try and make sense of what is going on is just leading one down the path of unadulterated insanity.
I am, as they might call it, a failed human. Failed in the physical sense, and now, failed in the mental sense. Put it even more bluntly, I'm fucked up in the head. Woo-wee. Do I enjoy being fucked up in the head? That's... hard to answer, because the concept of pleasure and pain is one that I have long learnt to not bother identifying, since either outcome is going to lead to an eventual discomfort that radiates throughout my very being.
If I were purely good or purely evil, obviously things would have been much easier, since there is literally a paragon that can serve as a guide to how one ought to behave. But of course, life with its tortuous roads is nothing like that, and I find myself perpetually stuck in that in-between place that causes the most grief and pain for everyone, including myself.
I don't know why I have this sudden... distaste of people. I used to have small bouts of it, but recently, this has become something more chronic. I can only venture a guess or two as to why the outcomes are so, but really, I'm just tired. Tired of the drama, tired of having to deal with people at the emotional level. Tired of being an actor; tired of being a spectator. Tired of taking charge, tired of merely following orders. Tired of being in the limelight, tired of being in the background.
I'm all messed up in the head.
No wonder people don't like me. No wonder relationships don't work out. No wonder I keep causing trouble for myself. No wonder my luck runs out. All these things are starting to make sense now, and I am seriously starting to consider taking really radical steps to just lobomotise away the messed up parts.
Unfortunately, science doesn't work that way and I find myself living through yet another day as a zombie whose brain had been enslaved by the very metaphysical entity of ``productive work''. It's a sad life really, having little to look forward to except to the glorious day when my body fails me once and for all and I die, peacefully or otherwise. Maybe death is the only true source of salvation for the likes of me, where the social barometers within ourselves are completely broken beyond repair.
And in spite of my time of need, I actively push everyone away, close or otherwise. Perhaps this is related to my concept of weakness---I don't want to appear weak. Or perhaps it is just me not knowing how to consult others for help, internally still paranoid at what people can do with the little information that they have on me.
Normalcy is among the last things for me I suppose. If I have to trade 10 years of life to one year of being an eccentric, I think with high probability I wouldn't mind doing that just to be someone who is cursorily unwilling to follow the mores of society for the sake of being a follower.
And once more, why do I say all these? Is there an overarching theme that I am trying to present? That is for all the aspiring psychoanalysts to decide. I'm out of here for now.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Failure?
And so ends another concert.
Last night was the second major public concert that my Chinese Orchestra and I put up that I was involved in (the previous one was chronicled here). There were little hijinks that occurred, almost everything went smoothly---all in all, it was a fairly sucessful performance.
It's a strange feeling though. I probably invited more people this time to turn up for the concert that the one in the past, and I suppose that the attrition rate is much lower this time round. The folks who did turn up seemed to enjoy the music, so I guess it wasn't that bad. In spite of the overall feel-good factor of the performance, I've not really managed to shake a certain hollow feeling that is within me.
And then it hit me---persona non grata. Three years of intermittent appearance at the orchestra had made me even more distant from the group that I had literally grown up with. That's where the hollowness comes from. I was there, but not there---just a surreal entity attached to an organically developed group that has since taken a life on its own. I was with the music, but I was not with the people. I feel more and more like That Guy, the one who just happens to be somewhat tolerated because he was useful, and not because he was cool to hang out with.
I don't know. I think I shouldn't really be upset about this, but then again, I feel like I have been a failure at life. A has-been. Sometimes when it is quiet and I'm nowhere near anyone, I start to think about all kinds of complicated thoughts and go all depressed and panicky. But I suppose that's how life is eh?
Looks like the road ahead is no different from the one I left behind when I left for my studies in the US... I have no idea where I'm going with this narrative, so I'm just going to stop here. Maybe next time...
Last night was the second major public concert that my Chinese Orchestra and I put up that I was involved in (the previous one was chronicled here). There were little hijinks that occurred, almost everything went smoothly---all in all, it was a fairly sucessful performance.
It's a strange feeling though. I probably invited more people this time to turn up for the concert that the one in the past, and I suppose that the attrition rate is much lower this time round. The folks who did turn up seemed to enjoy the music, so I guess it wasn't that bad. In spite of the overall feel-good factor of the performance, I've not really managed to shake a certain hollow feeling that is within me.
And then it hit me---persona non grata. Three years of intermittent appearance at the orchestra had made me even more distant from the group that I had literally grown up with. That's where the hollowness comes from. I was there, but not there---just a surreal entity attached to an organically developed group that has since taken a life on its own. I was with the music, but I was not with the people. I feel more and more like That Guy, the one who just happens to be somewhat tolerated because he was useful, and not because he was cool to hang out with.
I don't know. I think I shouldn't really be upset about this, but then again, I feel like I have been a failure at life. A has-been. Sometimes when it is quiet and I'm nowhere near anyone, I start to think about all kinds of complicated thoughts and go all depressed and panicky. But I suppose that's how life is eh?
Looks like the road ahead is no different from the one I left behind when I left for my studies in the US... I have no idea where I'm going with this narrative, so I'm just going to stop here. Maybe next time...
Wednesday, July 07, 2010
For the Experience
So I think that there're a few things that I've slowly learnt over the past few weeks, and here are just some of my thoughts.
Firstly, Singaporeans have one common problem. The whole idea that doing something is ``for the experience''. I mean, that is plain ridiculous. Why is this canned response so popular here? Why can't we begin any endeavour with the mentality that we want to achieve a certain tangible goal other than just experience? It gets exasperating at times to hear people say things like that, particularly when they are being interviewed by the media. This is probably among the worst ``politically correct'' answers that one can give, because it demonstrates one crucial point: we do not seem to have that critical thinking element that is oh-so important in the world today. To not admit defeat and claim that it was ``a good experience'', we are molly-codling ourselves into a false sense of security, in that we think that we have not really failed in any sense. That is a classic example of evading the issue at hand. Note that this is different from saying something like ``yes I failed, but here are the other things that I have found out''---this other way of representation may appear cursory similar to the ``politically correct'' version, but the nuance demonstrated is far from being the same. In the former, there is an air of resignation, the demonstration of a lack of wherewithal to actually learn from what happened, while in the latter, the active voice shows a completely different picture. We should all strive towards a more critical form of thinking, and to actually learn from the experience, instead of saying some vague quasi-politically correct statement.
Secondly, problem-solvers cannot really stay in one place for too long. The rationale for this little assertion is straightforward---problem-solvers go where the problems are, and once the problems for a source dry up, they go on to another location to look for new ones to solve. Thus, staying at one place for too long is detrimental to the mental health of the problem-solver, whose mantra is to solve problems that they encounter, since the number of questions to be solved in a particular location is finite and will dry up eventually. This is of course a rather abstract and metaphorical allusion that doesn't sound rather grounded in reality, so here's a more explicit explanation of what I am really trying to say. I don't think I can settle down that easily, since at heart I'm a problem-solver---solving problems are what makes me feel happy. Okay, not happy, but at least sufficiently contented. Problem-solving as a hobby is a rather masochistic endeavour, since one is paradoxically expending a lot of energy at a task that one is supposed to be doing ``in leisure''. I find that throughout the years, only two things I don't really get sick of doing---making music and solving problems. That of course doesn't mean that I can do the same thing for a few hours (that's painful), but at the very least, I have more than a passing interest in such matters. People strive for material gains, while my wants are more complicated---I thrive on knowledge. That is my opiate for happiness (or at least, contentment) and life.
Lastly, something a little more light-hearted. I found my previous blog colour scheme too depressing (not as depressing as that green-on-black monstrosity I first started out with) and have jazzed it up a little with some of the new doodads that Blogger seems to have introduced. While I'm not completely impressed, there is a certain lighter feel to it, kind of uplifting in fact. Of course, I tuned the layout a little so that even on Edythe-EEE, the page looks fine. Overall I think things are not too bad now.
So what else am I working on? A lot of other projects, quite a few of the time-sappers are for work, while I have the usual pile of projects that I've always wanted to work a little on. Maybe I will get to work on all the stuff that I want to eventually. Meanwhile, work beckons.
Till next time.
Firstly, Singaporeans have one common problem. The whole idea that doing something is ``for the experience''. I mean, that is plain ridiculous. Why is this canned response so popular here? Why can't we begin any endeavour with the mentality that we want to achieve a certain tangible goal other than just experience? It gets exasperating at times to hear people say things like that, particularly when they are being interviewed by the media. This is probably among the worst ``politically correct'' answers that one can give, because it demonstrates one crucial point: we do not seem to have that critical thinking element that is oh-so important in the world today. To not admit defeat and claim that it was ``a good experience'', we are molly-codling ourselves into a false sense of security, in that we think that we have not really failed in any sense. That is a classic example of evading the issue at hand. Note that this is different from saying something like ``yes I failed, but here are the other things that I have found out''---this other way of representation may appear cursory similar to the ``politically correct'' version, but the nuance demonstrated is far from being the same. In the former, there is an air of resignation, the demonstration of a lack of wherewithal to actually learn from what happened, while in the latter, the active voice shows a completely different picture. We should all strive towards a more critical form of thinking, and to actually learn from the experience, instead of saying some vague quasi-politically correct statement.
Secondly, problem-solvers cannot really stay in one place for too long. The rationale for this little assertion is straightforward---problem-solvers go where the problems are, and once the problems for a source dry up, they go on to another location to look for new ones to solve. Thus, staying at one place for too long is detrimental to the mental health of the problem-solver, whose mantra is to solve problems that they encounter, since the number of questions to be solved in a particular location is finite and will dry up eventually. This is of course a rather abstract and metaphorical allusion that doesn't sound rather grounded in reality, so here's a more explicit explanation of what I am really trying to say. I don't think I can settle down that easily, since at heart I'm a problem-solver---solving problems are what makes me feel happy. Okay, not happy, but at least sufficiently contented. Problem-solving as a hobby is a rather masochistic endeavour, since one is paradoxically expending a lot of energy at a task that one is supposed to be doing ``in leisure''. I find that throughout the years, only two things I don't really get sick of doing---making music and solving problems. That of course doesn't mean that I can do the same thing for a few hours (that's painful), but at the very least, I have more than a passing interest in such matters. People strive for material gains, while my wants are more complicated---I thrive on knowledge. That is my opiate for happiness (or at least, contentment) and life.
Lastly, something a little more light-hearted. I found my previous blog colour scheme too depressing (not as depressing as that green-on-black monstrosity I first started out with) and have jazzed it up a little with some of the new doodads that Blogger seems to have introduced. While I'm not completely impressed, there is a certain lighter feel to it, kind of uplifting in fact. Of course, I tuned the layout a little so that even on Edythe-EEE, the page looks fine. Overall I think things are not too bad now.
So what else am I working on? A lot of other projects, quite a few of the time-sappers are for work, while I have the usual pile of projects that I've always wanted to work a little on. Maybe I will get to work on all the stuff that I want to eventually. Meanwhile, work beckons.
Till next time.
GNU Screen Commands Redux
Some important commands for GNU Screen, the text-based output multiplexer:
Filtered from here.
There are of course more comands that GNU Screen supports, but these are the few that I find to be most useful especially when working over a ssh link, since I can monitor several outputs at the same time. Bear in mind that due to the nature of multiplexing, having split screens/regions can cause a slow connection to appear a tad slower.
| To do this... | Do this... |
|---|---|
| Make a new session/reconnect old one | screen -U -dRR sessionname |
| Detach session | C-a d |
| Split horizontally | C-a S |
| Split vertically(!) | C-a | |
| Remove this split region | C-a X |
| Remove all but this split region | C-a Q |
| Jump to next split region | C-a Tab |
| New window | C-a c |
| List windows | C-a w |
| Copy mode/pause | C-a [ |
There are of course more comands that GNU Screen supports, but these are the few that I find to be most useful especially when working over a ssh link, since I can monitor several outputs at the same time. Bear in mind that due to the nature of multiplexing, having split screens/regions can cause a slow connection to appear a tad slower.
Thursday, July 01, 2010
Argle Bargle
(Warning, highly biased and semi-nonsensical rant to follow.)
And so it is just about the time for the end of the first week that I am back in the office after a week's worth of leave taken, and I must say, I feel much more different now as compared to before. I feel somewhat energised, and things don't seem as painful as it once seem. My focus is returning, and I'm starting to realign my mind to the things that matter the most at this point in time, and this [un]surprisingly doesn't really include the concept of romance. I probably won't go as far as saying that I am no longer interested in romance, but the mere thought of getting involved in a romance at this point in time is somewhat distasteful.
In case you are still kind of oblivious about what is going on, Mint and I are no longer seeing each other that way.
Strangely, it is liberating, as I slowly relearn what made me tick all these years. That misanthropy that I was hiding all these years have finally manifested itself even more, and I am starting to re-erect all those mental and emotional barriers that I once had. Those battlements are in serious need of repair after having allowed myself to let people in only to get hurt in one way or another.
Meh.
Does this make me any less of a human? Perhaps, but really, I don't care. The old philosophy that no one will be there for me seems to hold even stronger than before, and thus I am re-realising that the only force that I can rely on is just me. People come, people go; even the best of friends may one day be put in an awkward position that renders them ineffectual, like how many of my friends have been over the past few years.
Reliance is weak. I admit that at one point or another, I have to rely on someone to help me, to guide me. But I think that the stubbornness/determination that has carried me through the years will come in handy once more, for at the end of the day, the degree of helplessness is highly dependent on the individual's mental state---think that you are weak, then you will be weak, likewise if you think that you are strong, you will be strong.
Is this a form of regression? That has been a question that has been bugging me for a while after all that had happened, from the past to the present, and at one point in my life, I seemed to have thought so, which was why I was always actively seeking an Other who will be there for me. And then I realise that in this generation, the whole concept of an Other is mostly moot. This is a loveless world---it had always been a loveless world. People gather together only if there's some form of incentive, be it economic or some other utilitarian purpose. There's a reason why arranged marriages of the past work---they work not because the couple involved truly ``loved'' each other, but that there was significant economic incentive for them to wed. Heck, this idea was explored even in my Introduction to Anthropology course back when I was still in CMU. Given the modern environment where self-sufficiency is not frowned upon but even strongly encouraged, it becomes even less of an incentive for any two people to get together for any long period of time. Just take a look at the high divorce rates for an anecdotal proof of the point that I am making here.
The once sacro-sanct notion of marriage is just an elaborate scam that people perpetuate in the name of face. Consider the expenses involved, both monetarily and emotionally, and you'll also see what I mean. The whole concept of bliss and happiness is yet another scam that people perpetuate to justify their actions. While I accede to the fact that there are some needs that cannot be met alone (sexual needs for instance), for almost everything else there's a way to deal with. If coupling or marriage were that important, then why in one of the world's oldest civilisations do they have the practice of having people wander the world to gain spirituality even after being married with children?
Scams, lies, shams. Very strong words used indeed, and I do not apologise for their use. I'm just jaded, jaded with human society, jaded at what is mostly a failed attempt at being someone I am not really meant to be. Bending over most of the time to please people, making myself miserable ever so often, trying to change myself all the fscking time---there has to be a point in time where things like that need to change.
That time is now.
While I have said that I'd swear off relationships each time a break-up occurs, I have never really kept my bargain of it, because I am innately human; I keep believing in this poison called ``hope''. Hope is a poison because it is an artificially optimistic perspective, and for a long time I have placed strong faith in it. A quarter of a century later, I have known better---my trust of ``hope'' drops exponentially each time I get a failure in the same thing that I am working on. Am I then claiming athat I am really going to swear off relationships forever? No, because then I'd be lying to myself. I am, however, even more nonchalant about how relationships pan out now, and will make good the promise to myself to not be too involved in it. If a nice girl comes along and we click somehow, maybe I will poke and prod a bit to see if things can progress; if it can't, too bad, move on, alone or not.
There is literally no incentive to be committed in a relationship from the beginning, because people are fickle and once they know that they have a certain power over you, you will end up being the one who is going to be completely hurt. And guess what, I'm sick of getting hurt already. I once said that the only way to love is to love completely because there's no other way to love since a lack of complete love means regret if things didn't work out. So naïve. Complete love has a bad-ass cousin called complete hurt, and that's what I keep submitting myself to. Time to protect myself.
I think my disillusionment with life is getting more complete than before, man one day I'm going to be a grumpy old man if I'm not careful. Anyway, that's about as much poison I will rant about for now. Time to get back to my happy little world of knowledge assimilation.
And so it is just about the time for the end of the first week that I am back in the office after a week's worth of leave taken, and I must say, I feel much more different now as compared to before. I feel somewhat energised, and things don't seem as painful as it once seem. My focus is returning, and I'm starting to realign my mind to the things that matter the most at this point in time, and this [un]surprisingly doesn't really include the concept of romance. I probably won't go as far as saying that I am no longer interested in romance, but the mere thought of getting involved in a romance at this point in time is somewhat distasteful.
In case you are still kind of oblivious about what is going on, Mint and I are no longer seeing each other that way.
Strangely, it is liberating, as I slowly relearn what made me tick all these years. That misanthropy that I was hiding all these years have finally manifested itself even more, and I am starting to re-erect all those mental and emotional barriers that I once had. Those battlements are in serious need of repair after having allowed myself to let people in only to get hurt in one way or another.
Meh.
Does this make me any less of a human? Perhaps, but really, I don't care. The old philosophy that no one will be there for me seems to hold even stronger than before, and thus I am re-realising that the only force that I can rely on is just me. People come, people go; even the best of friends may one day be put in an awkward position that renders them ineffectual, like how many of my friends have been over the past few years.
Reliance is weak. I admit that at one point or another, I have to rely on someone to help me, to guide me. But I think that the stubbornness/determination that has carried me through the years will come in handy once more, for at the end of the day, the degree of helplessness is highly dependent on the individual's mental state---think that you are weak, then you will be weak, likewise if you think that you are strong, you will be strong.
Is this a form of regression? That has been a question that has been bugging me for a while after all that had happened, from the past to the present, and at one point in my life, I seemed to have thought so, which was why I was always actively seeking an Other who will be there for me. And then I realise that in this generation, the whole concept of an Other is mostly moot. This is a loveless world---it had always been a loveless world. People gather together only if there's some form of incentive, be it economic or some other utilitarian purpose. There's a reason why arranged marriages of the past work---they work not because the couple involved truly ``loved'' each other, but that there was significant economic incentive for them to wed. Heck, this idea was explored even in my Introduction to Anthropology course back when I was still in CMU. Given the modern environment where self-sufficiency is not frowned upon but even strongly encouraged, it becomes even less of an incentive for any two people to get together for any long period of time. Just take a look at the high divorce rates for an anecdotal proof of the point that I am making here.
The once sacro-sanct notion of marriage is just an elaborate scam that people perpetuate in the name of face. Consider the expenses involved, both monetarily and emotionally, and you'll also see what I mean. The whole concept of bliss and happiness is yet another scam that people perpetuate to justify their actions. While I accede to the fact that there are some needs that cannot be met alone (sexual needs for instance), for almost everything else there's a way to deal with. If coupling or marriage were that important, then why in one of the world's oldest civilisations do they have the practice of having people wander the world to gain spirituality even after being married with children?
Scams, lies, shams. Very strong words used indeed, and I do not apologise for their use. I'm just jaded, jaded with human society, jaded at what is mostly a failed attempt at being someone I am not really meant to be. Bending over most of the time to please people, making myself miserable ever so often, trying to change myself all the fscking time---there has to be a point in time where things like that need to change.
That time is now.
While I have said that I'd swear off relationships each time a break-up occurs, I have never really kept my bargain of it, because I am innately human; I keep believing in this poison called ``hope''. Hope is a poison because it is an artificially optimistic perspective, and for a long time I have placed strong faith in it. A quarter of a century later, I have known better---my trust of ``hope'' drops exponentially each time I get a failure in the same thing that I am working on. Am I then claiming athat I am really going to swear off relationships forever? No, because then I'd be lying to myself. I am, however, even more nonchalant about how relationships pan out now, and will make good the promise to myself to not be too involved in it. If a nice girl comes along and we click somehow, maybe I will poke and prod a bit to see if things can progress; if it can't, too bad, move on, alone or not.
There is literally no incentive to be committed in a relationship from the beginning, because people are fickle and once they know that they have a certain power over you, you will end up being the one who is going to be completely hurt. And guess what, I'm sick of getting hurt already. I once said that the only way to love is to love completely because there's no other way to love since a lack of complete love means regret if things didn't work out. So naïve. Complete love has a bad-ass cousin called complete hurt, and that's what I keep submitting myself to. Time to protect myself.
I think my disillusionment with life is getting more complete than before, man one day I'm going to be a grumpy old man if I'm not careful. Anyway, that's about as much poison I will rant about for now. Time to get back to my happy little world of knowledge assimilation.
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