A bat of the eye, and suddenly it is Tuesday all over again. My sore calf muscles have mostly recovered from the 5.2km run that I took on a whim last Saturday night, and I have largely snuggled up against the new 1980s mando-pop CD set that I have bought off eBay Singapore.
I'm not sure about other people, but I find that when I live my life out, there are time periods that have a certain ``theme'' associated with them. For instance, some times there is the ``I'm a martial arts hero'' theme and I find my Aikido training producing really good results, with much better knowledge retention of the techniques and concepts. Some days, I find myself gravitating more to the ``I'm a musician'' theme, and then I keep playing the multitude of musical instruments that I have lying around. Yet there are other days that I feel like a philosopher and start thinking/writing about the things that I observe around me, mostly about how society is on the route of collapse, and how many of the perceived social norms are really lousy habits in disguise.
So what about these themes? They govern to a certain a degree the type of music that I listen to, which can span from ballads to progressive rock/death metal, to purely instrumental pieces featuring instruments from the West, East and more complicated lineages (like the Theremin). Well that's just one direction of the equivalence operator, since the choice of music itself can affect the ``theme'' that I am in that day.
Okay, I'm not sure if I'm making sense there, so I'll just stop. One itching eyeball is enough to drive me insane, and I think some sleep will probably help deal with it.
Maybe when I'm a little up to it, I will rant about some of the things that I have been thinking about for a while.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Yet Another Song Rediscovered
OMG. I've been looking for this song for a long time: never could remember the name.
Time to really look into the 80s/90s music again.
牵引——邓妙华The lyrics are short, but they are quite salient to how things can be in and out of a relationship. Lyrics courtesy www.inkui.com.
如果我们俩从来不曾相恋
泪水不会占据我的眼
如果你的心还有一点牵挂
不会将我孤独的留下
我不愿回顾 因为在记忆深处
思念常刺痛我心灵
人生旅程 充满艰辛和坎坷
我需要你的双手牵引
Time to really look into the 80s/90s music again.
Monday, July 26, 2010
Finite Simple Group of Order Two
Can't talk about Nerdcore without this classic:
Finite Simple Group of Order Two------The Klein Four GroupLyrics courtesy of sweetlyrics.com.
The path of love is never smooth
But mine's continuous for you
You're the upper bound in the chains of my heart
You're my Axiom of Choice, you know it's true
But lately our relation's not so well-defined
And I just can't function without you
I'll prove my proposition and I'm sure you'll find
We're a finite simple group of order two
I'm losing my identity
I'm getting tensor every day
And without loss of generality
I will assume that you feel the same way
Since every time I see you, you just quotient out
The faithful image that I map into
But when we're one-to-one you'll see what I'm about
'Cause we're a finite simple group of order two
Our equivalence was stable,
A principal love bundle sitting deep inside
But then you drove a wedge between our two-forms
Now everything is so complexified
When we first met, we simply connected
My heart was open but too dense
Our system was already directed
To have a finite limit, in some sense
I'm living in the kernel of a rank-one map
From my domain, its image looks so blue,
'Cause all I see are zeroes, it's a cruel trap
But we're a finite simple group of order two
I'm not the smoothest operator in my class,
But we're a mirror pair, me and you,
So let's apply forgetful functors to the past
And be a finite simple group, a finite simple group,
Let's be a finite simple group of order two
(Oughter: "Why not three?")
I've proved my proposition now, as you can see,
So let's both be associative and free
And by corollary, this shows you and I to be
Purely inseparable. Q. E. D.
Where Are All The Girls?
Nerdcore! Man, I used to listen to these back in college. Now I feel like an old man. Blech!
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Nostalgia
This used to be my favourite song. It still is, but it can be rather depressing, in spite of its up-tempo feel. Also note that since this song is from the 90s, the MTV and the music have almost nothing to do with each other...
Lyrics courtesy LetsSingIt.
Why------Tiggy
Na na na na, Na na na
Na na na na, Na na na
Na na na na, Na na na
Na na na na, Na na na
Standing beside you
wishing you'd always be close to me
And how can I tell you
every night I see you in my dreams
Believe me
don't be me
I would never let you go
Why, why do this have to be a fantasy
Let's make our love become reality
Oh, how I pray for that day to come
When we'll be joined together close as one
together close as one
I feel the passion
Burning deep inside my soul
And you're the solution
I know you'd catch me if I fall
Believe me,
don't be me
I would never let you go
(Why...) Why, why do this have to be a fantasy
Let's make our love become reality
Oh, how I pray for that day to come
When we'll be joined together close as one (Na na na na, Na na na)
Together as one (Na na na na, Na na na)
Together as one (Na na na na, Na na na)
Together as one (Na na na na, Na na na)
Together as one
Don't be me, don't be me
I would never let you go
Why, why do this have to be a fantasy
Let's make our love become reality
Oh, how I pray for that day to come
When we'll be joined together close as one (Na na na na, Na na na)
Together as one (Na na na na, Na na na)
Together as one (Na na na na, Na na na)
Together as one (Na na na na, Na na na)
Together as one
Lyrics courtesy LetsSingIt.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Risible...
Chew on this (adapted from WordSmith.org's A.Word.A.Day newsletter):
- risible, adjective
- laughable; ludicrous
- disposed to laugh
- relating to laughter
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Soliloquy Deux
Strange what a good night's sleep can do. I suppose things are a little better in my head space after some decent sleep. But of course, that doesn't preclude me from rescinding from the choices I have made; though it does lend things a new light that I can probably use right now about how things should go. And I suppose I'm not able to see past the choice that I have made since I don't really understand it.
Time to do some mind-diving and introspection once more.
Time to do some mind-diving and introspection once more.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Soliloquy
Some things can be changed in a person, while there are a great many that cannot be. In my case, I suppose the whole misanthropic ideal is probably the most unchanging trait within me. I ventured out of my shell for quite a few years now, and somehow I find the experience not particularly exhilirating---getting out of one's shell makes one vulnerable.
And the last thing I want to be is to be vulnerable.
Weakness is one thing that I seem to refuse to acknowledge in any of its forms. It's probably a character flaw/trait, but I don't really care about it. So many things have come and gone; I used to trust in people, now I trust almost no one. It is not too hard a decision really, but some habits take a little bit of time to break. It is frustrating to always have to put on a mask that makes me more friendly than I really am---in many ways, I never really grew up. That child-like curiousity that I am so proud of is also the same trait that is causing my eventual downfall, as I never really progressed beyond what I had up to the age of eighteen or twenty.
Forever the immature one, right? I call bullshit.
That is just a perception, like everything else. And like every single kind of perception, it is alterable. Just because I maintain my curiousity doesn't mean that I have ``not grown up''; what it really means is that I have figured out how to meld the positive traits from the past with the ridiculous social mores that is in the present and future.
I'm just tired of people in general. It's tautologous---I think they don't understand me enough, so I don't share, and I don't share because they don't understand me enough. I have told many people that trying to ``know me'' is a rather dangerous and delicate procedure---that headspace of mine is fairly warped by this stage, and any attempt to try and make sense of what is going on is just leading one down the path of unadulterated insanity.
I am, as they might call it, a failed human. Failed in the physical sense, and now, failed in the mental sense. Put it even more bluntly, I'm fucked up in the head. Woo-wee. Do I enjoy being fucked up in the head? That's... hard to answer, because the concept of pleasure and pain is one that I have long learnt to not bother identifying, since either outcome is going to lead to an eventual discomfort that radiates throughout my very being.
If I were purely good or purely evil, obviously things would have been much easier, since there is literally a paragon that can serve as a guide to how one ought to behave. But of course, life with its tortuous roads is nothing like that, and I find myself perpetually stuck in that in-between place that causes the most grief and pain for everyone, including myself.
I don't know why I have this sudden... distaste of people. I used to have small bouts of it, but recently, this has become something more chronic. I can only venture a guess or two as to why the outcomes are so, but really, I'm just tired. Tired of the drama, tired of having to deal with people at the emotional level. Tired of being an actor; tired of being a spectator. Tired of taking charge, tired of merely following orders. Tired of being in the limelight, tired of being in the background.
I'm all messed up in the head.
No wonder people don't like me. No wonder relationships don't work out. No wonder I keep causing trouble for myself. No wonder my luck runs out. All these things are starting to make sense now, and I am seriously starting to consider taking really radical steps to just lobomotise away the messed up parts.
Unfortunately, science doesn't work that way and I find myself living through yet another day as a zombie whose brain had been enslaved by the very metaphysical entity of ``productive work''. It's a sad life really, having little to look forward to except to the glorious day when my body fails me once and for all and I die, peacefully or otherwise. Maybe death is the only true source of salvation for the likes of me, where the social barometers within ourselves are completely broken beyond repair.
And in spite of my time of need, I actively push everyone away, close or otherwise. Perhaps this is related to my concept of weakness---I don't want to appear weak. Or perhaps it is just me not knowing how to consult others for help, internally still paranoid at what people can do with the little information that they have on me.
Normalcy is among the last things for me I suppose. If I have to trade 10 years of life to one year of being an eccentric, I think with high probability I wouldn't mind doing that just to be someone who is cursorily unwilling to follow the mores of society for the sake of being a follower.
And once more, why do I say all these? Is there an overarching theme that I am trying to present? That is for all the aspiring psychoanalysts to decide. I'm out of here for now.
And the last thing I want to be is to be vulnerable.
Weakness is one thing that I seem to refuse to acknowledge in any of its forms. It's probably a character flaw/trait, but I don't really care about it. So many things have come and gone; I used to trust in people, now I trust almost no one. It is not too hard a decision really, but some habits take a little bit of time to break. It is frustrating to always have to put on a mask that makes me more friendly than I really am---in many ways, I never really grew up. That child-like curiousity that I am so proud of is also the same trait that is causing my eventual downfall, as I never really progressed beyond what I had up to the age of eighteen or twenty.
Forever the immature one, right? I call bullshit.
That is just a perception, like everything else. And like every single kind of perception, it is alterable. Just because I maintain my curiousity doesn't mean that I have ``not grown up''; what it really means is that I have figured out how to meld the positive traits from the past with the ridiculous social mores that is in the present and future.
I'm just tired of people in general. It's tautologous---I think they don't understand me enough, so I don't share, and I don't share because they don't understand me enough. I have told many people that trying to ``know me'' is a rather dangerous and delicate procedure---that headspace of mine is fairly warped by this stage, and any attempt to try and make sense of what is going on is just leading one down the path of unadulterated insanity.
I am, as they might call it, a failed human. Failed in the physical sense, and now, failed in the mental sense. Put it even more bluntly, I'm fucked up in the head. Woo-wee. Do I enjoy being fucked up in the head? That's... hard to answer, because the concept of pleasure and pain is one that I have long learnt to not bother identifying, since either outcome is going to lead to an eventual discomfort that radiates throughout my very being.
If I were purely good or purely evil, obviously things would have been much easier, since there is literally a paragon that can serve as a guide to how one ought to behave. But of course, life with its tortuous roads is nothing like that, and I find myself perpetually stuck in that in-between place that causes the most grief and pain for everyone, including myself.
I don't know why I have this sudden... distaste of people. I used to have small bouts of it, but recently, this has become something more chronic. I can only venture a guess or two as to why the outcomes are so, but really, I'm just tired. Tired of the drama, tired of having to deal with people at the emotional level. Tired of being an actor; tired of being a spectator. Tired of taking charge, tired of merely following orders. Tired of being in the limelight, tired of being in the background.
I'm all messed up in the head.
No wonder people don't like me. No wonder relationships don't work out. No wonder I keep causing trouble for myself. No wonder my luck runs out. All these things are starting to make sense now, and I am seriously starting to consider taking really radical steps to just lobomotise away the messed up parts.
Unfortunately, science doesn't work that way and I find myself living through yet another day as a zombie whose brain had been enslaved by the very metaphysical entity of ``productive work''. It's a sad life really, having little to look forward to except to the glorious day when my body fails me once and for all and I die, peacefully or otherwise. Maybe death is the only true source of salvation for the likes of me, where the social barometers within ourselves are completely broken beyond repair.
And in spite of my time of need, I actively push everyone away, close or otherwise. Perhaps this is related to my concept of weakness---I don't want to appear weak. Or perhaps it is just me not knowing how to consult others for help, internally still paranoid at what people can do with the little information that they have on me.
Normalcy is among the last things for me I suppose. If I have to trade 10 years of life to one year of being an eccentric, I think with high probability I wouldn't mind doing that just to be someone who is cursorily unwilling to follow the mores of society for the sake of being a follower.
And once more, why do I say all these? Is there an overarching theme that I am trying to present? That is for all the aspiring psychoanalysts to decide. I'm out of here for now.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Failure?
And so ends another concert.
Last night was the second major public concert that my Chinese Orchestra and I put up that I was involved in (the previous one was chronicled here). There were little hijinks that occurred, almost everything went smoothly---all in all, it was a fairly sucessful performance.
It's a strange feeling though. I probably invited more people this time to turn up for the concert that the one in the past, and I suppose that the attrition rate is much lower this time round. The folks who did turn up seemed to enjoy the music, so I guess it wasn't that bad. In spite of the overall feel-good factor of the performance, I've not really managed to shake a certain hollow feeling that is within me.
And then it hit me---persona non grata. Three years of intermittent appearance at the orchestra had made me even more distant from the group that I had literally grown up with. That's where the hollowness comes from. I was there, but not there---just a surreal entity attached to an organically developed group that has since taken a life on its own. I was with the music, but I was not with the people. I feel more and more like That Guy, the one who just happens to be somewhat tolerated because he was useful, and not because he was cool to hang out with.
I don't know. I think I shouldn't really be upset about this, but then again, I feel like I have been a failure at life. A has-been. Sometimes when it is quiet and I'm nowhere near anyone, I start to think about all kinds of complicated thoughts and go all depressed and panicky. But I suppose that's how life is eh?
Looks like the road ahead is no different from the one I left behind when I left for my studies in the US... I have no idea where I'm going with this narrative, so I'm just going to stop here. Maybe next time...
Last night was the second major public concert that my Chinese Orchestra and I put up that I was involved in (the previous one was chronicled here). There were little hijinks that occurred, almost everything went smoothly---all in all, it was a fairly sucessful performance.
It's a strange feeling though. I probably invited more people this time to turn up for the concert that the one in the past, and I suppose that the attrition rate is much lower this time round. The folks who did turn up seemed to enjoy the music, so I guess it wasn't that bad. In spite of the overall feel-good factor of the performance, I've not really managed to shake a certain hollow feeling that is within me.
And then it hit me---persona non grata. Three years of intermittent appearance at the orchestra had made me even more distant from the group that I had literally grown up with. That's where the hollowness comes from. I was there, but not there---just a surreal entity attached to an organically developed group that has since taken a life on its own. I was with the music, but I was not with the people. I feel more and more like That Guy, the one who just happens to be somewhat tolerated because he was useful, and not because he was cool to hang out with.
I don't know. I think I shouldn't really be upset about this, but then again, I feel like I have been a failure at life. A has-been. Sometimes when it is quiet and I'm nowhere near anyone, I start to think about all kinds of complicated thoughts and go all depressed and panicky. But I suppose that's how life is eh?
Looks like the road ahead is no different from the one I left behind when I left for my studies in the US... I have no idea where I'm going with this narrative, so I'm just going to stop here. Maybe next time...
Wednesday, July 07, 2010
For the Experience
So I think that there're a few things that I've slowly learnt over the past few weeks, and here are just some of my thoughts.
Firstly, Singaporeans have one common problem. The whole idea that doing something is ``for the experience''. I mean, that is plain ridiculous. Why is this canned response so popular here? Why can't we begin any endeavour with the mentality that we want to achieve a certain tangible goal other than just experience? It gets exasperating at times to hear people say things like that, particularly when they are being interviewed by the media. This is probably among the worst ``politically correct'' answers that one can give, because it demonstrates one crucial point: we do not seem to have that critical thinking element that is oh-so important in the world today. To not admit defeat and claim that it was ``a good experience'', we are molly-codling ourselves into a false sense of security, in that we think that we have not really failed in any sense. That is a classic example of evading the issue at hand. Note that this is different from saying something like ``yes I failed, but here are the other things that I have found out''---this other way of representation may appear cursory similar to the ``politically correct'' version, but the nuance demonstrated is far from being the same. In the former, there is an air of resignation, the demonstration of a lack of wherewithal to actually learn from what happened, while in the latter, the active voice shows a completely different picture. We should all strive towards a more critical form of thinking, and to actually learn from the experience, instead of saying some vague quasi-politically correct statement.
Secondly, problem-solvers cannot really stay in one place for too long. The rationale for this little assertion is straightforward---problem-solvers go where the problems are, and once the problems for a source dry up, they go on to another location to look for new ones to solve. Thus, staying at one place for too long is detrimental to the mental health of the problem-solver, whose mantra is to solve problems that they encounter, since the number of questions to be solved in a particular location is finite and will dry up eventually. This is of course a rather abstract and metaphorical allusion that doesn't sound rather grounded in reality, so here's a more explicit explanation of what I am really trying to say. I don't think I can settle down that easily, since at heart I'm a problem-solver---solving problems are what makes me feel happy. Okay, not happy, but at least sufficiently contented. Problem-solving as a hobby is a rather masochistic endeavour, since one is paradoxically expending a lot of energy at a task that one is supposed to be doing ``in leisure''. I find that throughout the years, only two things I don't really get sick of doing---making music and solving problems. That of course doesn't mean that I can do the same thing for a few hours (that's painful), but at the very least, I have more than a passing interest in such matters. People strive for material gains, while my wants are more complicated---I thrive on knowledge. That is my opiate for happiness (or at least, contentment) and life.
Lastly, something a little more light-hearted. I found my previous blog colour scheme too depressing (not as depressing as that green-on-black monstrosity I first started out with) and have jazzed it up a little with some of the new doodads that Blogger seems to have introduced. While I'm not completely impressed, there is a certain lighter feel to it, kind of uplifting in fact. Of course, I tuned the layout a little so that even on Edythe-EEE, the page looks fine. Overall I think things are not too bad now.
So what else am I working on? A lot of other projects, quite a few of the time-sappers are for work, while I have the usual pile of projects that I've always wanted to work a little on. Maybe I will get to work on all the stuff that I want to eventually. Meanwhile, work beckons.
Till next time.
Firstly, Singaporeans have one common problem. The whole idea that doing something is ``for the experience''. I mean, that is plain ridiculous. Why is this canned response so popular here? Why can't we begin any endeavour with the mentality that we want to achieve a certain tangible goal other than just experience? It gets exasperating at times to hear people say things like that, particularly when they are being interviewed by the media. This is probably among the worst ``politically correct'' answers that one can give, because it demonstrates one crucial point: we do not seem to have that critical thinking element that is oh-so important in the world today. To not admit defeat and claim that it was ``a good experience'', we are molly-codling ourselves into a false sense of security, in that we think that we have not really failed in any sense. That is a classic example of evading the issue at hand. Note that this is different from saying something like ``yes I failed, but here are the other things that I have found out''---this other way of representation may appear cursory similar to the ``politically correct'' version, but the nuance demonstrated is far from being the same. In the former, there is an air of resignation, the demonstration of a lack of wherewithal to actually learn from what happened, while in the latter, the active voice shows a completely different picture. We should all strive towards a more critical form of thinking, and to actually learn from the experience, instead of saying some vague quasi-politically correct statement.
Secondly, problem-solvers cannot really stay in one place for too long. The rationale for this little assertion is straightforward---problem-solvers go where the problems are, and once the problems for a source dry up, they go on to another location to look for new ones to solve. Thus, staying at one place for too long is detrimental to the mental health of the problem-solver, whose mantra is to solve problems that they encounter, since the number of questions to be solved in a particular location is finite and will dry up eventually. This is of course a rather abstract and metaphorical allusion that doesn't sound rather grounded in reality, so here's a more explicit explanation of what I am really trying to say. I don't think I can settle down that easily, since at heart I'm a problem-solver---solving problems are what makes me feel happy. Okay, not happy, but at least sufficiently contented. Problem-solving as a hobby is a rather masochistic endeavour, since one is paradoxically expending a lot of energy at a task that one is supposed to be doing ``in leisure''. I find that throughout the years, only two things I don't really get sick of doing---making music and solving problems. That of course doesn't mean that I can do the same thing for a few hours (that's painful), but at the very least, I have more than a passing interest in such matters. People strive for material gains, while my wants are more complicated---I thrive on knowledge. That is my opiate for happiness (or at least, contentment) and life.
Lastly, something a little more light-hearted. I found my previous blog colour scheme too depressing (not as depressing as that green-on-black monstrosity I first started out with) and have jazzed it up a little with some of the new doodads that Blogger seems to have introduced. While I'm not completely impressed, there is a certain lighter feel to it, kind of uplifting in fact. Of course, I tuned the layout a little so that even on Edythe-EEE, the page looks fine. Overall I think things are not too bad now.
So what else am I working on? A lot of other projects, quite a few of the time-sappers are for work, while I have the usual pile of projects that I've always wanted to work a little on. Maybe I will get to work on all the stuff that I want to eventually. Meanwhile, work beckons.
Till next time.
GNU Screen Commands Redux
Some important commands for GNU Screen, the text-based output multiplexer:
Filtered from here.
There are of course more comands that GNU Screen supports, but these are the few that I find to be most useful especially when working over a ssh link, since I can monitor several outputs at the same time. Bear in mind that due to the nature of multiplexing, having split screens/regions can cause a slow connection to appear a tad slower.
| To do this... | Do this... |
|---|---|
| Make a new session/reconnect old one | screen -U -dRR sessionname |
| Detach session | C-a d |
| Split horizontally | C-a S |
| Split vertically(!) | C-a | |
| Remove this split region | C-a X |
| Remove all but this split region | C-a Q |
| Jump to next split region | C-a Tab |
| New window | C-a c |
| List windows | C-a w |
| Copy mode/pause | C-a [ |
There are of course more comands that GNU Screen supports, but these are the few that I find to be most useful especially when working over a ssh link, since I can monitor several outputs at the same time. Bear in mind that due to the nature of multiplexing, having split screens/regions can cause a slow connection to appear a tad slower.
Thursday, July 01, 2010
Argle Bargle
(Warning, highly biased and semi-nonsensical rant to follow.)
And so it is just about the time for the end of the first week that I am back in the office after a week's worth of leave taken, and I must say, I feel much more different now as compared to before. I feel somewhat energised, and things don't seem as painful as it once seem. My focus is returning, and I'm starting to realign my mind to the things that matter the most at this point in time, and this [un]surprisingly doesn't really include the concept of romance. I probably won't go as far as saying that I am no longer interested in romance, but the mere thought of getting involved in a romance at this point in time is somewhat distasteful.
In case you are still kind of oblivious about what is going on, Mint and I are no longer seeing each other that way.
Strangely, it is liberating, as I slowly relearn what made me tick all these years. That misanthropy that I was hiding all these years have finally manifested itself even more, and I am starting to re-erect all those mental and emotional barriers that I once had. Those battlements are in serious need of repair after having allowed myself to let people in only to get hurt in one way or another.
Meh.
Does this make me any less of a human? Perhaps, but really, I don't care. The old philosophy that no one will be there for me seems to hold even stronger than before, and thus I am re-realising that the only force that I can rely on is just me. People come, people go; even the best of friends may one day be put in an awkward position that renders them ineffectual, like how many of my friends have been over the past few years.
Reliance is weak. I admit that at one point or another, I have to rely on someone to help me, to guide me. But I think that the stubbornness/determination that has carried me through the years will come in handy once more, for at the end of the day, the degree of helplessness is highly dependent on the individual's mental state---think that you are weak, then you will be weak, likewise if you think that you are strong, you will be strong.
Is this a form of regression? That has been a question that has been bugging me for a while after all that had happened, from the past to the present, and at one point in my life, I seemed to have thought so, which was why I was always actively seeking an Other who will be there for me. And then I realise that in this generation, the whole concept of an Other is mostly moot. This is a loveless world---it had always been a loveless world. People gather together only if there's some form of incentive, be it economic or some other utilitarian purpose. There's a reason why arranged marriages of the past work---they work not because the couple involved truly ``loved'' each other, but that there was significant economic incentive for them to wed. Heck, this idea was explored even in my Introduction to Anthropology course back when I was still in CMU. Given the modern environment where self-sufficiency is not frowned upon but even strongly encouraged, it becomes even less of an incentive for any two people to get together for any long period of time. Just take a look at the high divorce rates for an anecdotal proof of the point that I am making here.
The once sacro-sanct notion of marriage is just an elaborate scam that people perpetuate in the name of face. Consider the expenses involved, both monetarily and emotionally, and you'll also see what I mean. The whole concept of bliss and happiness is yet another scam that people perpetuate to justify their actions. While I accede to the fact that there are some needs that cannot be met alone (sexual needs for instance), for almost everything else there's a way to deal with. If coupling or marriage were that important, then why in one of the world's oldest civilisations do they have the practice of having people wander the world to gain spirituality even after being married with children?
Scams, lies, shams. Very strong words used indeed, and I do not apologise for their use. I'm just jaded, jaded with human society, jaded at what is mostly a failed attempt at being someone I am not really meant to be. Bending over most of the time to please people, making myself miserable ever so often, trying to change myself all the fscking time---there has to be a point in time where things like that need to change.
That time is now.
While I have said that I'd swear off relationships each time a break-up occurs, I have never really kept my bargain of it, because I am innately human; I keep believing in this poison called ``hope''. Hope is a poison because it is an artificially optimistic perspective, and for a long time I have placed strong faith in it. A quarter of a century later, I have known better---my trust of ``hope'' drops exponentially each time I get a failure in the same thing that I am working on. Am I then claiming athat I am really going to swear off relationships forever? No, because then I'd be lying to myself. I am, however, even more nonchalant about how relationships pan out now, and will make good the promise to myself to not be too involved in it. If a nice girl comes along and we click somehow, maybe I will poke and prod a bit to see if things can progress; if it can't, too bad, move on, alone or not.
There is literally no incentive to be committed in a relationship from the beginning, because people are fickle and once they know that they have a certain power over you, you will end up being the one who is going to be completely hurt. And guess what, I'm sick of getting hurt already. I once said that the only way to love is to love completely because there's no other way to love since a lack of complete love means regret if things didn't work out. So naïve. Complete love has a bad-ass cousin called complete hurt, and that's what I keep submitting myself to. Time to protect myself.
I think my disillusionment with life is getting more complete than before, man one day I'm going to be a grumpy old man if I'm not careful. Anyway, that's about as much poison I will rant about for now. Time to get back to my happy little world of knowledge assimilation.
And so it is just about the time for the end of the first week that I am back in the office after a week's worth of leave taken, and I must say, I feel much more different now as compared to before. I feel somewhat energised, and things don't seem as painful as it once seem. My focus is returning, and I'm starting to realign my mind to the things that matter the most at this point in time, and this [un]surprisingly doesn't really include the concept of romance. I probably won't go as far as saying that I am no longer interested in romance, but the mere thought of getting involved in a romance at this point in time is somewhat distasteful.
In case you are still kind of oblivious about what is going on, Mint and I are no longer seeing each other that way.
Strangely, it is liberating, as I slowly relearn what made me tick all these years. That misanthropy that I was hiding all these years have finally manifested itself even more, and I am starting to re-erect all those mental and emotional barriers that I once had. Those battlements are in serious need of repair after having allowed myself to let people in only to get hurt in one way or another.
Meh.
Does this make me any less of a human? Perhaps, but really, I don't care. The old philosophy that no one will be there for me seems to hold even stronger than before, and thus I am re-realising that the only force that I can rely on is just me. People come, people go; even the best of friends may one day be put in an awkward position that renders them ineffectual, like how many of my friends have been over the past few years.
Reliance is weak. I admit that at one point or another, I have to rely on someone to help me, to guide me. But I think that the stubbornness/determination that has carried me through the years will come in handy once more, for at the end of the day, the degree of helplessness is highly dependent on the individual's mental state---think that you are weak, then you will be weak, likewise if you think that you are strong, you will be strong.
Is this a form of regression? That has been a question that has been bugging me for a while after all that had happened, from the past to the present, and at one point in my life, I seemed to have thought so, which was why I was always actively seeking an Other who will be there for me. And then I realise that in this generation, the whole concept of an Other is mostly moot. This is a loveless world---it had always been a loveless world. People gather together only if there's some form of incentive, be it economic or some other utilitarian purpose. There's a reason why arranged marriages of the past work---they work not because the couple involved truly ``loved'' each other, but that there was significant economic incentive for them to wed. Heck, this idea was explored even in my Introduction to Anthropology course back when I was still in CMU. Given the modern environment where self-sufficiency is not frowned upon but even strongly encouraged, it becomes even less of an incentive for any two people to get together for any long period of time. Just take a look at the high divorce rates for an anecdotal proof of the point that I am making here.
The once sacro-sanct notion of marriage is just an elaborate scam that people perpetuate in the name of face. Consider the expenses involved, both monetarily and emotionally, and you'll also see what I mean. The whole concept of bliss and happiness is yet another scam that people perpetuate to justify their actions. While I accede to the fact that there are some needs that cannot be met alone (sexual needs for instance), for almost everything else there's a way to deal with. If coupling or marriage were that important, then why in one of the world's oldest civilisations do they have the practice of having people wander the world to gain spirituality even after being married with children?
Scams, lies, shams. Very strong words used indeed, and I do not apologise for their use. I'm just jaded, jaded with human society, jaded at what is mostly a failed attempt at being someone I am not really meant to be. Bending over most of the time to please people, making myself miserable ever so often, trying to change myself all the fscking time---there has to be a point in time where things like that need to change.
That time is now.
While I have said that I'd swear off relationships each time a break-up occurs, I have never really kept my bargain of it, because I am innately human; I keep believing in this poison called ``hope''. Hope is a poison because it is an artificially optimistic perspective, and for a long time I have placed strong faith in it. A quarter of a century later, I have known better---my trust of ``hope'' drops exponentially each time I get a failure in the same thing that I am working on. Am I then claiming athat I am really going to swear off relationships forever? No, because then I'd be lying to myself. I am, however, even more nonchalant about how relationships pan out now, and will make good the promise to myself to not be too involved in it. If a nice girl comes along and we click somehow, maybe I will poke and prod a bit to see if things can progress; if it can't, too bad, move on, alone or not.
There is literally no incentive to be committed in a relationship from the beginning, because people are fickle and once they know that they have a certain power over you, you will end up being the one who is going to be completely hurt. And guess what, I'm sick of getting hurt already. I once said that the only way to love is to love completely because there's no other way to love since a lack of complete love means regret if things didn't work out. So naïve. Complete love has a bad-ass cousin called complete hurt, and that's what I keep submitting myself to. Time to protect myself.
I think my disillusionment with life is getting more complete than before, man one day I'm going to be a grumpy old man if I'm not careful. Anyway, that's about as much poison I will rant about for now. Time to get back to my happy little world of knowledge assimilation.
Total Eclipse of the Heart
This song is fairly odd till the last stanza, where it starts to make a little more sense...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)