I wonder sometimes why I act the way I do when I'm with some people. While not overt, could it be that subconsciously, I just want to push away everyone so that I can feel sorry for myself and end up pushing even more people away?
That'd be something really disastrous, if indeed that idea were true. Imagine, all this while, while my conscious wants company, my subconscious is trying to undo all that my conscious is trying to do.
Egh.
So, anyway, there's so much things to do yet again, and maybe it'll be a while till I update this. Now, I need to look for food—weather's turning cold, and I'm turning more and more hungry. I need to keep an eye out on how much I eat though, lest I get even fatter and cannot fit into my jeans [again]. That would suck so bad.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
November is Arriving
Yes, it is night again, and I'm still up at this unholy hour (almost). It's been a pretty long day, with all the homework and preparation of the team for the presentation tomorrow, as well as working on my schedule for the coming Spring semester (without the schedule being available) and then griping to my academic advisor over various aspects of my scheduling.
November is approaching (it is going to be November in like... 3 days-ish?) and I'm tempted to enter NaNoWriMo again. However, I feel that I probably can't do it again this year—there's just too many things to do just to keep afloat, let alone doing something like this which takes up a lot of time.
Maybe some other time. Meanwhile, I feel the need to actually sleep (I am getting exhausted). It is going to be a long day tomorrow.
Hmm hmm...
November is approaching (it is going to be November in like... 3 days-ish?) and I'm tempted to enter NaNoWriMo again. However, I feel that I probably can't do it again this year—there's just too many things to do just to keep afloat, let alone doing something like this which takes up a lot of time.
Maybe some other time. Meanwhile, I feel the need to actually sleep (I am getting exhausted). It is going to be a long day tomorrow.
Hmm hmm...
Saturday, October 27, 2007
Full Moon
The moon is full tonight—it is always so pretty when it is full. It brings backs memories, the full moon, some good, most bad. I have no idea why I am so affected by the moon; perhaps she is like the girls whom I have seen and known, always so pretty and nice, and always so far away from a weirdo like me.
They say that lunacy is associated with the moon—for some reason, I feel a sudden surge of energy from just seeing the moon in her full splendour. Perhaps I have an affinity with the moon after all, through the linkage of pure madness.
It seems strange that you're so friendly to me, yet step somewhat away in a slight distance. I don't know how you actually feel—I think that you just want to be a friend, no more, and certainly no less. I know not how to feel towards you, but perhaps I should not be cheating myself with how you are feeling. I know you read this blog at least once; I know you see the words I have. I know you don't speak much, and frankly, neither do I. I know that if I do anything really stupid, I would lose your friendship. Already I walk alone. I wish to not be even more alone than I really am. It is silly and sometimes even stupid of me to think things this way, but sometimes I cannot help it. If you think that you are the you that I am referring to here, you are probably right. But running horses will never make me tell you whether I am really referring to you or not. If you think that this is phishing, it might be; but I will not betray my own thoughts.
In this world, I don't think I need a mate; just a listening ear, and perhaps a shoulder to actually cry on when I'm feeling down. I don't care if this makes me sound like a wuss, or of a more gentle gender; I am still human, no matter how hard I try to mask that fact. Some people have mocked me many times before, and they still do, but in retrospect not all of their words are fallacious. In every lie, they say, there is usually some truth. Maybe one day I will learn the multitude of forms that the truth takes; but for now, I am just content with being to have friends who mind me not, and help guide me towards a path that is not wholly wrong.
Maybe the moon is right. The prettiest things are always out there, beyond one's grasp, always beckoning, but never coming close. The closest things are often not the most pretty, but they are the most beautiful, and needs to be cherished the most. Love might be a pretty thing, but friendships can last a lifetime, and are more sustained than the conflicting effects of love and lust, which can be easily misconstrued. I have few friends left in this world, yet they are among my most important pillars of support. If I don't have any more friends left, I wonder what kind of emotionless monster I will become.
I apologise for this sudden rush of emotions and thought; I felt that I needed to say something, when confronted by the full moon, the very epitome of the goals that I wanted to reach but cannot due to the sheer impossibility of it all, the very embodiment of what I have failed to see in this life. Perhaps tomorrow will be a better day; no one really knows.
Meanwhile, I thank you for stopping by to read what I have said—meaningful words don't come easy to me in conversation. I find that I speak the most truth when I'm uninhibited in my expression, perhaps it is a manifestation of my innately introverted side, as opposed to the gregariously mad persona that I take on in real life. Ah, the keyboard, the single most useful man-machine interface that mankind has ever devised, allowing the fingers to just do the talking of the ideas that are kept deep within the mind, when the mouth is unwilling to speak what is completely indelicate.
I guess I should stop here. Tomorrow is going to be a long day.
They say that lunacy is associated with the moon—for some reason, I feel a sudden surge of energy from just seeing the moon in her full splendour. Perhaps I have an affinity with the moon after all, through the linkage of pure madness.
It seems strange that you're so friendly to me, yet step somewhat away in a slight distance. I don't know how you actually feel—I think that you just want to be a friend, no more, and certainly no less. I know not how to feel towards you, but perhaps I should not be cheating myself with how you are feeling. I know you read this blog at least once; I know you see the words I have. I know you don't speak much, and frankly, neither do I. I know that if I do anything really stupid, I would lose your friendship. Already I walk alone. I wish to not be even more alone than I really am. It is silly and sometimes even stupid of me to think things this way, but sometimes I cannot help it. If you think that you are the you that I am referring to here, you are probably right. But running horses will never make me tell you whether I am really referring to you or not. If you think that this is phishing, it might be; but I will not betray my own thoughts.
In this world, I don't think I need a mate; just a listening ear, and perhaps a shoulder to actually cry on when I'm feeling down. I don't care if this makes me sound like a wuss, or of a more gentle gender; I am still human, no matter how hard I try to mask that fact. Some people have mocked me many times before, and they still do, but in retrospect not all of their words are fallacious. In every lie, they say, there is usually some truth. Maybe one day I will learn the multitude of forms that the truth takes; but for now, I am just content with being to have friends who mind me not, and help guide me towards a path that is not wholly wrong.
Maybe the moon is right. The prettiest things are always out there, beyond one's grasp, always beckoning, but never coming close. The closest things are often not the most pretty, but they are the most beautiful, and needs to be cherished the most. Love might be a pretty thing, but friendships can last a lifetime, and are more sustained than the conflicting effects of love and lust, which can be easily misconstrued. I have few friends left in this world, yet they are among my most important pillars of support. If I don't have any more friends left, I wonder what kind of emotionless monster I will become.
I apologise for this sudden rush of emotions and thought; I felt that I needed to say something, when confronted by the full moon, the very epitome of the goals that I wanted to reach but cannot due to the sheer impossibility of it all, the very embodiment of what I have failed to see in this life. Perhaps tomorrow will be a better day; no one really knows.
Meanwhile, I thank you for stopping by to read what I have said—meaningful words don't come easy to me in conversation. I find that I speak the most truth when I'm uninhibited in my expression, perhaps it is a manifestation of my innately introverted side, as opposed to the gregariously mad persona that I take on in real life. Ah, the keyboard, the single most useful man-machine interface that mankind has ever devised, allowing the fingers to just do the talking of the ideas that are kept deep within the mind, when the mouth is unwilling to speak what is completely indelicate.
I guess I should stop here. Tomorrow is going to be a long day.
"Suicidal Thoughts"
While trawling through the cesspools of the Internet, I found a photoshopped image that is particularly inspirational, which is rare, considering that it is after all the cesspool of the Internet. Here is the picture (redone a little to make it more clean as compared to the original):
I did a little trace online and managed to find the original artist, who is rimfrost at DeviantArt.
It is a cute comic, in a dark way (for some odd reason, I find the concept of "darkly cute" appealing, for instance, Miho from Megatokyo). But I find that the comic with the caption gave the overall combination a much stronger feel, which is something quite extraordinary.
Alright, I've had enough diversions. It is back to writing SML code for class.
I did a little trace online and managed to find the original artist, who is rimfrost at DeviantArt.It is a cute comic, in a dark way (for some odd reason, I find the concept of "darkly cute" appealing, for instance, Miho from Megatokyo). But I find that the comic with the caption gave the overall combination a much stronger feel, which is something quite extraordinary.
Alright, I've had enough diversions. It is back to writing SML code for class.
Thursday, October 25, 2007
When X turns to Y
In reference to this comic from PhD Comics, things are now turning fairly ugly. She started being my love, then she turned into my ex, and now she has turned into a why.
Why did I date her in the first place?
It seems that the backlash is starting to fall into place. Suddenly all the truth between all the phantasies (yes I know the word should be spelt as "fantasies", but I like the ph- form better) just pop out so quickly and readily. It was so blatantly obvious now—it was all a huge misunderstanding.
Sit back, relax [somewhat]: it is story time from my perspective (with added commentary from my 20/20 hindsight).
Let me explain from the very beginning. Remember the posts in March this year? Well, they are actually a cumulative representation of the state of mind that I had at that time—not too good, if you actually read through them carefully. This completely odd state of mind persisted till this post.
So what happened till then was that the Japanese Students' Association organised a day trip to Washington DC for the annual Cherry Blossoms Festival, in part to commemorate the good ties between America and Japan. And it was this time that I first asked her out, to join me on the trip to visit the Cherry Blossoms. The reasons were two-fold—firstly, I just wanted to get out of the extremely stifling atmosphere where the girl whom I had a crush on [rejected me outright] and was literally lying in the arms of my room mate every night (no, they weren't having sex—they were just lying there on the same bed literally sleeping, or so it seems to me); secondly, she happened to be the among the first people on my mind to ask out to make the trip, because it was kind of pointless to be going to the Cherry Blossom Festival on my own. I could have asked either a good friend of mine (who actually took time to listen to my woes with regards to the crush I had on the other girl, who happened to be our mutual friend), or I could ask another girl (whom I still kind of have a crush on, but till date have said/done nothing about it because of obvious incompatibilities) to go with me. Either way didn't sound like good ideas, for I felt that I was probably taking up too much of my friend's time already, and asking a girl whom I had a crush on to go with me to see Cherry Blossoms was probably not a good idea by virtue of the fact that it was so highly suspicious.
So I thought of her instead, as she seemed to be a little more level-headed and willing to try out interesting things without getting to caught up in the messy details. And so I asked her to join me for the trip, and she agreed with no hesitation. The trip was then planned out and carried out.
Already I should have seen the signs; all that insistent teasing about me bringing my laptop along to do homework while being on the road, and the laughing of how I sang. All these should have been warning signals so bright and loud that I should have been able to see/hear them. But I think I was still in a bad mental state to be able to evaluate the issue at hand. We didn't declare a relationship until the next time we met, which was about a week later, when she said that she wanted to take me to some pond that she visited earlier in the day with a bunch of her friends. It was nearly dark when she told me about that, and I brought along my 箫 for no real reason other than to maybe play it in the night just for fun (because 箫 music in the middle of a pretty quiet night is really wonderful). Since it was dark, we decided not to go to the pond (which she said was actually in the middle of the woods, which was not a good idea to visit then due to the darkness of the night); instead, we went up to a hill which overlooked the skyline of the city. It was there that I made the first step towards my eventual pain. I threw an arm around her to keep her warm, and that was interpreted as me wanting something more from her.
In a way, it probably was. I was torn pretty much emotionally because of all the bad events that were occurring over the period, and was thus susceptible to such emotional fluxes. So the next day, we declared the start of our relationship, and so began the first phase of the saga.
——
So at this point, while I'm writing this up, this song started playing on my playlist in foobar2000, which I might add, seems to be quite an apt summary of what happened:
Of course, all that I've said about this is based on hindsight—at that time, how was I to know what and how things would be?
——
We were almost inseparable throughout the remainder of the semester; almost always found doing things together, from studying, to playing MMORGs (that's the first (and most likely the last) time that I actually played MMORGs; as of now, I've already abandoned the account on that MMORG). I felt that I have found someone truly for me. It was true that she doesn't look like some super model, it is also true that she tends to poke fun at me for quite a bit; but it was all in good fun and I didn't really mind. She was there, and that was all that mattered.
But the tell-tale signs were always there; I just stupidly shrugged them off. She said outright that she would never think that I'd be with her; she always dreamt of herself either being on her own, or with some guy who was taller. There was so many things that was wrong with the overall picture when I stood next to her, but I didn't and couldn't see what they were, at least, not then.
Then the semester ended. I helped her secure storage locations with my friends because all the on-campus ones were already filled up by the time we started packing (we had finals till the very late, and most of the enterprising students have already taken up all the on-campus storage locations much earlier in the week). And she promised to bring my bicycle with her back to NYC for the summer (because I couldn't find a place to store my bicycle away safely).
She left.
——
And so I returned to Singapore for the summer. We kept in contact via IM. From the conversations that ensued, it was almost crystal clear that we were definitely heading for a break-up. The insistent criticism of parts of me, from my accent ("you should either take up a British or American accent, and not have that colonial one"), to my bicycle ("your bicycle is so broken! I'm not going to bring it back with me next time hahaha"), to inciting me to commit illegal acts ("hey, can you bring me this particular flower from Singapore?"), sounded more harsh when they were stripped down to their bare forms, without the tempering quality of her being around. Though biting, I let the words stand, blindly thinking that things would work out will in the long run. But as the days go by, even I started to have some misgivings about this whole relationship.
What was she to me anyway? Why do I even love her? I cast these thoughts aside [foolishly], and focused on her good points (there were, I assure you). And I willed myself to completely not think about all these bad points and to love her the way she is, trying to adapt to how she is.
And then she dropped that motherfscking bombshell on my head via IM. She gave me a bunch of reasons; her top being that I was "getting too serious about the whole relationship thing" and that "she wasn't ready". Now, with a much calmer mind without random emotional flux disturbances, I realise that there was more to that than what she said; bottomline was: she didn't need me anymore.
For I was her physical crutch during the highly stressful late half of the semester. With the limited ki-channelling abilities that I had, I was able to help with her discomfort by channelling energy around. But when she's back at home, she had the expert care of her mother (a Chinese physician), who used moxibustion to help move the stagnant energy in her body. With such a good source of physical comfort, where do I stand? Also, since she was back at home (as was I), there was even less reason to want to be with/rely on me.
And now, for some hard-hitting words. I was deceiving myself on her purity and goodness. She was a typical American-Asian—a spoilt brat. Unlike me, she has never had to lift her finger to do an ounce of work to earn what she wants; being an only child in a Chinese family of doctors meant that she could have anything that she wanted. And it was true; she had an iPod that she didn't quite use, a macbook pro which she used somewhat mediocrely, a good piano for her to practise on (Steinway baby grand), a set of audiophilic headphones (Bose) for listening to music on her iPod/laptop, among other things. I should have taken up the hint earlier when she was complaining about the state of my bicycle. The bicycle (given to me by my friend, Paul) is not in the best of shape with bright and shiny gears and all, but it is mechanically sound and still works; the bicycle is as much a tool as it is a momento of a friend who decided to quit out of college to seek his own fortune in the world. To diss it is already a sign of what she has in her mind.
And when we returned this Fall for yet another semester, I was going to have dinner with a bunch of my friends. Then she called and said that she was ready to pick up her stuff that she had stowed away, and I had to abandon my dinner and went to give her a hand. More irritating parts; earlier (say end last semester), I had given her the contacts of my friends who own the basement where we were storing our stuff. And when I called her earlier in the day, she had the cheek to tell me that she hadn't confirmed details with them. I'm like "..." and went ahead to help set up stuff with my friends. I guess that my friends, being out of the scenario, could probably see clearer than I that she was a spoilt brat. She didn't lift a finger to move her items; the labour was taken up by my two friends and I. And when one of the boxes was dead because of the flood of the basement some time during summer (yes, I was affected too), she had the gall to make an audible sound of disgust. One of my friends had made a prophetic remark earlier: "wah lau, if she don't thank must condemn already".
Of course it was true. We moved everything into her father's SUV, then she just left, still wearing her sunglasses and everything.
It was clear that I don't want her back anymore.
Then, of course, the recent fiasco...
I don't really want to talk more... it's already a long post, and it's already long over, but I feel that I want to talk about it to obtain a much clearer perspective to myself why I had initially dated her and treated her seriously, and why her decision to break up with me was as good a decision for her as it was for me.
The current state of affairs is not good. I still have some of her music theory notes which I loaned from her earlier in the year during the time when we were still civil; I want to return them to her soon and get it over and done with. It is clear that it will be a much longer time before we can actually maintain a decently civil conversation between us. Until the time comes when she gets off her prissy princess tower and start to talk to me in a fashion that doesn't sound condescending, it will be a while before I will want to talk to her for any extended period of time.
What manner of mockery it is; nobody deserves any kind of abuse, verbal or otherwise. Being a spoilt brat doesn't give one the right to act like a prissy kid. I believe in hard work to getting my jobs done, and to not be overly reliant on others. I know I'm not that strong emotionally, but if my emotional crutch were to be something as vicious as her, then I'd rather limp about with my emotional fluxes without the crutch than to be caught in an unending spiral of trauma.
That said, I'm more or less back to my old self, the pre-NS days when I work off raw adrenaline/caffeine, and always running a gear or two higher. Things are not perfect, but I'm sure that with my intellect and willingness to actually do work, things will work out just fine.
Until next time.
Why did I date her in the first place?
It seems that the backlash is starting to fall into place. Suddenly all the truth between all the phantasies (yes I know the word should be spelt as "fantasies", but I like the ph- form better) just pop out so quickly and readily. It was so blatantly obvious now—it was all a huge misunderstanding.
Sit back, relax [somewhat]: it is story time from my perspective (with added commentary from my 20/20 hindsight).
Let me explain from the very beginning. Remember the posts in March this year? Well, they are actually a cumulative representation of the state of mind that I had at that time—not too good, if you actually read through them carefully. This completely odd state of mind persisted till this post.
So what happened till then was that the Japanese Students' Association organised a day trip to Washington DC for the annual Cherry Blossoms Festival, in part to commemorate the good ties between America and Japan. And it was this time that I first asked her out, to join me on the trip to visit the Cherry Blossoms. The reasons were two-fold—firstly, I just wanted to get out of the extremely stifling atmosphere where the girl whom I had a crush on [rejected me outright] and was literally lying in the arms of my room mate every night (no, they weren't having sex—they were just lying there on the same bed literally sleeping, or so it seems to me); secondly, she happened to be the among the first people on my mind to ask out to make the trip, because it was kind of pointless to be going to the Cherry Blossom Festival on my own. I could have asked either a good friend of mine (who actually took time to listen to my woes with regards to the crush I had on the other girl, who happened to be our mutual friend), or I could ask another girl (whom I still kind of have a crush on, but till date have said/done nothing about it because of obvious incompatibilities) to go with me. Either way didn't sound like good ideas, for I felt that I was probably taking up too much of my friend's time already, and asking a girl whom I had a crush on to go with me to see Cherry Blossoms was probably not a good idea by virtue of the fact that it was so highly suspicious.
So I thought of her instead, as she seemed to be a little more level-headed and willing to try out interesting things without getting to caught up in the messy details. And so I asked her to join me for the trip, and she agreed with no hesitation. The trip was then planned out and carried out.
Already I should have seen the signs; all that insistent teasing about me bringing my laptop along to do homework while being on the road, and the laughing of how I sang. All these should have been warning signals so bright and loud that I should have been able to see/hear them. But I think I was still in a bad mental state to be able to evaluate the issue at hand. We didn't declare a relationship until the next time we met, which was about a week later, when she said that she wanted to take me to some pond that she visited earlier in the day with a bunch of her friends. It was nearly dark when she told me about that, and I brought along my 箫 for no real reason other than to maybe play it in the night just for fun (because 箫 music in the middle of a pretty quiet night is really wonderful). Since it was dark, we decided not to go to the pond (which she said was actually in the middle of the woods, which was not a good idea to visit then due to the darkness of the night); instead, we went up to a hill which overlooked the skyline of the city. It was there that I made the first step towards my eventual pain. I threw an arm around her to keep her warm, and that was interpreted as me wanting something more from her.
In a way, it probably was. I was torn pretty much emotionally because of all the bad events that were occurring over the period, and was thus susceptible to such emotional fluxes. So the next day, we declared the start of our relationship, and so began the first phase of the saga.
——
So at this point, while I'm writing this up, this song started playing on my playlist in foobar2000, which I might add, seems to be quite an apt summary of what happened:
Don't Say Your Love Me—M2MIn hindsight, I needed her as much as she needed me then. She was my emotional crutch, while I was her physical support crutch. By then, I was already a certified First degree Reiki practitioner, and she needed ki to help with her health (she had an overall weak constitution as opposed to the relative "iron body" that I had). So, between both of our needs, it seemed that the whole relationship business was more of mutual support during times of needs than anything else.
Got introduced to you by a friend
You were cute and all that, baby you set the trend
Yes you did oh
The next thing I know we're down at the cinema
We're sitting there, you started kissing me,
What's that about
You're moving too fast, I don't understand you
I'm not ready yet, baby I can't pretend
No I can't
The best I can do is tell you to talk to me
It's possible, eventual
Love will find a way
Love will find a way...
Don't say you love me
You don't even know me
If you really want me
Then give me some time
Don't go there baby
Not before I'm ready
Don't say your heart's in a hurry
It's not like we're gonna get married
Give me, give me some time
Here's how I play, here's where you stand
Here's what to prove to get any further than where it's been
I'll make it clear, not gonna tell you twice
Take it slow, you keep pushing me
You're pushing me away
Pushing me away...
Don't say you love me
You don't even know me
If you really want me
Then give me some time
Don't go there baby
Not before I'm ready
Don't say your heart's in a hurry
It's not like we're gonna get married
Give me, give me some time
oooo, na, na, na, na, na, na, na
na, na, na, na, na, na
oooo, na, na, na, na, na, na, na
na, na, na, na, na, na, na
Don't say you love me
You don't even know me baby...
Baby don't say love me, baby
Give me some time...
Don't say you love me
You don't even know me
If you really want me
Then give me some time
Don't go there baby
Not before I'm ready
Don't say your heart's in a hurry
It's not like we're gonna get married
Give me, give me some time
(repeat until fade out)
Of course, all that I've said about this is based on hindsight—at that time, how was I to know what and how things would be?
——
We were almost inseparable throughout the remainder of the semester; almost always found doing things together, from studying, to playing MMORGs (that's the first (and most likely the last) time that I actually played MMORGs; as of now, I've already abandoned the account on that MMORG). I felt that I have found someone truly for me. It was true that she doesn't look like some super model, it is also true that she tends to poke fun at me for quite a bit; but it was all in good fun and I didn't really mind. She was there, and that was all that mattered.
But the tell-tale signs were always there; I just stupidly shrugged them off. She said outright that she would never think that I'd be with her; she always dreamt of herself either being on her own, or with some guy who was taller. There was so many things that was wrong with the overall picture when I stood next to her, but I didn't and couldn't see what they were, at least, not then.
Then the semester ended. I helped her secure storage locations with my friends because all the on-campus ones were already filled up by the time we started packing (we had finals till the very late, and most of the enterprising students have already taken up all the on-campus storage locations much earlier in the week). And she promised to bring my bicycle with her back to NYC for the summer (because I couldn't find a place to store my bicycle away safely).
She left.
——
And so I returned to Singapore for the summer. We kept in contact via IM. From the conversations that ensued, it was almost crystal clear that we were definitely heading for a break-up. The insistent criticism of parts of me, from my accent ("you should either take up a British or American accent, and not have that colonial one"), to my bicycle ("your bicycle is so broken! I'm not going to bring it back with me next time hahaha"), to inciting me to commit illegal acts ("hey, can you bring me this particular flower from Singapore?"), sounded more harsh when they were stripped down to their bare forms, without the tempering quality of her being around. Though biting, I let the words stand, blindly thinking that things would work out will in the long run. But as the days go by, even I started to have some misgivings about this whole relationship.
What was she to me anyway? Why do I even love her? I cast these thoughts aside [foolishly], and focused on her good points (there were, I assure you). And I willed myself to completely not think about all these bad points and to love her the way she is, trying to adapt to how she is.
And then she dropped that motherfscking bombshell on my head via IM. She gave me a bunch of reasons; her top being that I was "getting too serious about the whole relationship thing" and that "she wasn't ready". Now, with a much calmer mind without random emotional flux disturbances, I realise that there was more to that than what she said; bottomline was: she didn't need me anymore.
For I was her physical crutch during the highly stressful late half of the semester. With the limited ki-channelling abilities that I had, I was able to help with her discomfort by channelling energy around. But when she's back at home, she had the expert care of her mother (a Chinese physician), who used moxibustion to help move the stagnant energy in her body. With such a good source of physical comfort, where do I stand? Also, since she was back at home (as was I), there was even less reason to want to be with/rely on me.
And now, for some hard-hitting words. I was deceiving myself on her purity and goodness. She was a typical American-Asian—a spoilt brat. Unlike me, she has never had to lift her finger to do an ounce of work to earn what she wants; being an only child in a Chinese family of doctors meant that she could have anything that she wanted. And it was true; she had an iPod that she didn't quite use, a macbook pro which she used somewhat mediocrely, a good piano for her to practise on (Steinway baby grand), a set of audiophilic headphones (Bose) for listening to music on her iPod/laptop, among other things. I should have taken up the hint earlier when she was complaining about the state of my bicycle. The bicycle (given to me by my friend, Paul) is not in the best of shape with bright and shiny gears and all, but it is mechanically sound and still works; the bicycle is as much a tool as it is a momento of a friend who decided to quit out of college to seek his own fortune in the world. To diss it is already a sign of what she has in her mind.
And when we returned this Fall for yet another semester, I was going to have dinner with a bunch of my friends. Then she called and said that she was ready to pick up her stuff that she had stowed away, and I had to abandon my dinner and went to give her a hand. More irritating parts; earlier (say end last semester), I had given her the contacts of my friends who own the basement where we were storing our stuff. And when I called her earlier in the day, she had the cheek to tell me that she hadn't confirmed details with them. I'm like "..." and went ahead to help set up stuff with my friends. I guess that my friends, being out of the scenario, could probably see clearer than I that she was a spoilt brat. She didn't lift a finger to move her items; the labour was taken up by my two friends and I. And when one of the boxes was dead because of the flood of the basement some time during summer (yes, I was affected too), she had the gall to make an audible sound of disgust. One of my friends had made a prophetic remark earlier: "wah lau, if she don't thank must condemn already".
Of course it was true. We moved everything into her father's SUV, then she just left, still wearing her sunglasses and everything.
It was clear that I don't want her back anymore.
Then, of course, the recent fiasco...
I don't really want to talk more... it's already a long post, and it's already long over, but I feel that I want to talk about it to obtain a much clearer perspective to myself why I had initially dated her and treated her seriously, and why her decision to break up with me was as good a decision for her as it was for me.
The current state of affairs is not good. I still have some of her music theory notes which I loaned from her earlier in the year during the time when we were still civil; I want to return them to her soon and get it over and done with. It is clear that it will be a much longer time before we can actually maintain a decently civil conversation between us. Until the time comes when she gets off her prissy princess tower and start to talk to me in a fashion that doesn't sound condescending, it will be a while before I will want to talk to her for any extended period of time.
What manner of mockery it is; nobody deserves any kind of abuse, verbal or otherwise. Being a spoilt brat doesn't give one the right to act like a prissy kid. I believe in hard work to getting my jobs done, and to not be overly reliant on others. I know I'm not that strong emotionally, but if my emotional crutch were to be something as vicious as her, then I'd rather limp about with my emotional fluxes without the crutch than to be caught in an unending spiral of trauma.
That said, I'm more or less back to my old self, the pre-NS days when I work off raw adrenaline/caffeine, and always running a gear or two higher. Things are not perfect, but I'm sure that with my intellect and willingness to actually do work, things will work out just fine.
Until next time.
Candara
If you're not on Windows Vista, or do not have the Microsoft Powerpoint Viewer 2007 installed, you'd probably not see a difference in the blog(s). Well, firstly, I've actually changed the overall theme to one that is a little bit easier on the eyes. The second thing was that I switched over to using the default font of "Trebuchet MS" to "Candara", which gives a much more fluid flow to the words. In fact, the words seem to be a little more pretty than before. I guess this is one thing that Microsoft actually did quite well, I guess.
More interesting things to come, I assure you.
More interesting things to come, I assure you.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Lull Week for a Moment
It is finally a relatively lull week. I've managed to complete a programming (hacking) lab early, and since my room mate has kindly requested that I not work too late tonight because he needs a proper rest for the calculus test tomorrow at about 7.30 in the morning, I'm not going to be doing any more homework for the night.
Which is fairly liberating. To be able to just sit back and relax in the darkness (oh, how I miss the darkness!) and just relish in the good music that I have on my headphones, while my hard drives and cooling fans spin with a silent hum. The night air is somewhat fresh after the light rain that started in the evening; a really wonderful way to spend the night. Oh how I long for that special someone to actually be next to me, and the two of us, sitting in the light rain under the dark sky, on top of a field with the sweet smell of dew in the air, huddling close together, enjoying each other's warmth as the small droplets of rain fall pitter-patter ever so slowly on and around us. And our heads will be touching, in the way that lovers do, and we keep our eyes closed and concentrate on each other's rhythmic breathing. It would be a timeless night, where at that moment, time would seem to have stood still, and there were only two people in the whole world (us).
Mmmm... a sweet dream indeed. A dream that may or may not come true, depending somewhat on what I do, and what fate has in store for me.
But I digress [as usual]. As this semester draws on, I realise that I am actually learning more new stuff than ever before, particularly on the way with which truth is being pursued in terms of the application of logic. Logic itself is a strange beast—it starts off as being a symbol manipulation game, but as the number and type of axioms and rules of inference increase, the logistical system starts to take on a life on its own, where its syntax and semantics are intertwined to the point that it becomes devilishly hard to determine which is which within the system itself. This is a most wonderful way to think about how things are constructed in the real world. The study of logic itself has taught me something that I had slowly come to suspect; while everything that can be derived from the axioms can be derived with only the axioms, but with the proving of more general forms of axiom schemas, it makes the proof much simpler to comprehend, much like how we use mathematical induction to prove certain properties without going back to old school Peano arithmetic. This whole idea is one that seems inane, but has really deep metaphysical impact. Derived rules of inferences are very useful because we do not need to be bogged down by the mechanical intricacies to "make it work".
With that information in mind, I kind of feel a bit put-off by folks who keep claiming that "you can always prove everything from the axioms, so the derived rules of inference are useless". I mean, hell yeah, you can prove everything from the axioms and the primitive rule of inference, but do you know how long it will take you if those are all that you can use? Idealism without being grounded in reality is useless, as is being completely utilitarian without any ideals to look up to. What's the point of doing a proof if all it involves is a whole bunch of mechanical symbolic manipulations (which the computer beats us in doing hands down), and not the overall insight that we are most interested in?
Okay... it is actually getting late (it's 1 am, and even though I like the dark, I'm feeling the strain/tiredness from all the hacking earlier), and so I'm gonna crash out.
Until next time.
Which is fairly liberating. To be able to just sit back and relax in the darkness (oh, how I miss the darkness!) and just relish in the good music that I have on my headphones, while my hard drives and cooling fans spin with a silent hum. The night air is somewhat fresh after the light rain that started in the evening; a really wonderful way to spend the night. Oh how I long for that special someone to actually be next to me, and the two of us, sitting in the light rain under the dark sky, on top of a field with the sweet smell of dew in the air, huddling close together, enjoying each other's warmth as the small droplets of rain fall pitter-patter ever so slowly on and around us. And our heads will be touching, in the way that lovers do, and we keep our eyes closed and concentrate on each other's rhythmic breathing. It would be a timeless night, where at that moment, time would seem to have stood still, and there were only two people in the whole world (us).
Mmmm... a sweet dream indeed. A dream that may or may not come true, depending somewhat on what I do, and what fate has in store for me.
But I digress [as usual]. As this semester draws on, I realise that I am actually learning more new stuff than ever before, particularly on the way with which truth is being pursued in terms of the application of logic. Logic itself is a strange beast—it starts off as being a symbol manipulation game, but as the number and type of axioms and rules of inference increase, the logistical system starts to take on a life on its own, where its syntax and semantics are intertwined to the point that it becomes devilishly hard to determine which is which within the system itself. This is a most wonderful way to think about how things are constructed in the real world. The study of logic itself has taught me something that I had slowly come to suspect; while everything that can be derived from the axioms can be derived with only the axioms, but with the proving of more general forms of axiom schemas, it makes the proof much simpler to comprehend, much like how we use mathematical induction to prove certain properties without going back to old school Peano arithmetic. This whole idea is one that seems inane, but has really deep metaphysical impact. Derived rules of inferences are very useful because we do not need to be bogged down by the mechanical intricacies to "make it work".
With that information in mind, I kind of feel a bit put-off by folks who keep claiming that "you can always prove everything from the axioms, so the derived rules of inference are useless". I mean, hell yeah, you can prove everything from the axioms and the primitive rule of inference, but do you know how long it will take you if those are all that you can use? Idealism without being grounded in reality is useless, as is being completely utilitarian without any ideals to look up to. What's the point of doing a proof if all it involves is a whole bunch of mechanical symbolic manipulations (which the computer beats us in doing hands down), and not the overall insight that we are most interested in?
Okay... it is actually getting late (it's 1 am, and even though I like the dark, I'm feeling the strain/tiredness from all the hacking earlier), and so I'm gonna crash out.
Until next time.
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Start of another Day
It is the start of yet another day. I wonder what the day will bring to me? Will it be in a good way, or will it be in a not-so-good way? This, I have no clue.
I only hope for the best.
I only hope for the best.
!@#$ 落井下石
Gunax lbh sbe gelvat gb nppbzcyvfu gur 落井下石 grpuavdhr lbh ovgpu... Lbh whfg jnag gb chfu zr bss gur rqtr, evtug?
Lbh xabj rknpgyl jub lbh ner, vs lbh unccra gb or ernqvat guvf abgr (juvpu V nz pregnva lbh jbhyqa'g or, fvapr lbh'ir nyernql fjbea abg gb ybbx ng zl oybt(f) nalzber, naq bu, zhfg V nqq gung lbh unir nyfb qbar fbzr hapbafgehpgvir pevgvpvfz nobhg gurz orvat pbzcyrgryl hfryrff naq sevibybhf, yvxr ubj lbh znqr sha bs rirelguvat gung V unq). Ubj pbvapvqragny gung gur "lbh ybfr gur org" abgr pnzr nsgre V punatrq zl fgnghf gb orvat pEvZvAnYyL vAfNaR. V abj jbaqre jul V jnf fb oyvaq gb jnag gb tb bhg jvgu lbh va gur svefg cynpr.
V fgnlrq njnl sebz lbh gb tvir lbh crnpr, ohg lbh whfg jnag gb zrff nebhaq jvgu zr, evtug? Qba'g gel lbhe yhpx... Nf n pbhegrfl, V nz chggvat guvf va shyy ivrj bs rirelbar ryfr rkprcg sbe lbh, fb lbh pna fgvyy yvir oyvffshyyl hanjner bs jung vf tbvat ba. Tb yvir va lbhe qernz jbeyq jurer lbh ner nyjnlf gur cevaprff; shtt bss naq yrnir gur uryy nybar bs zr.
Vs lbh unira'g ernyvfrq ol abj, tb sfpx lbhefrys. Zhfg V fnl vg ntnva? Bxnl, tb sfpx lbhefrys. Qb abg grfg zl shel naq ivyrarff.
You push a man too far, he will fscking kill and eat you...
[Ed: This is hopefully the first and the last time I am going to use strong language in the blog(s). Anyone who feels offended should take their whining somewhere else and realise that even a calm person has his/her limits of patience with complete idiots who seem to be out to ruin their lives.]
Lbh xabj rknpgyl jub lbh ner, vs lbh unccra gb or ernqvat guvf abgr (juvpu V nz pregnva lbh jbhyqa'g or, fvapr lbh'ir nyernql fjbea abg gb ybbx ng zl oybt(f) nalzber, naq bu, zhfg V nqq gung lbh unir nyfb qbar fbzr hapbafgehpgvir pevgvpvfz nobhg gurz orvat pbzcyrgryl hfryrff naq sevibybhf, yvxr ubj lbh znqr sha bs rirelguvat gung V unq). Ubj pbvapvqragny gung gur "lbh ybfr gur org" abgr pnzr nsgre V punatrq zl fgnghf gb orvat pEvZvAnYyL vAfNaR. V abj jbaqre jul V jnf fb oyvaq gb jnag gb tb bhg jvgu lbh va gur svefg cynpr.
V fgnlrq njnl sebz lbh gb tvir lbh crnpr, ohg lbh whfg jnag gb zrff nebhaq jvgu zr, evtug? Qba'g gel lbhe yhpx... Nf n pbhegrfl, V nz chggvat guvf va shyy ivrj bs rirelbar ryfr rkprcg sbe lbh, fb lbh pna fgvyy yvir oyvffshyyl hanjner bs jung vf tbvat ba. Tb yvir va lbhe qernz jbeyq jurer lbh ner nyjnlf gur cevaprff; shtt bss naq yrnir gur uryy nybar bs zr.
Vs lbh unira'g ernyvfrq ol abj, tb sfpx lbhefrys. Zhfg V fnl vg ntnva? Bxnl, tb sfpx lbhefrys. Qb abg grfg zl shel naq ivyrarff.
You push a man too far, he will fscking kill and eat you...
[Ed: This is hopefully the first and the last time I am going to use strong language in the blog(s). Anyone who feels offended should take their whining somewhere else and realise that even a calm person has his/her limits of patience with complete idiots who seem to be out to ruin their lives.]
Monday, October 22, 2007
I Die When I Sleep, And Reborn When I Awaken
Every night when I sleep, I die, and in the next morning when I awaken, I am reborn. This cycle of rebirth has occurred for quite a while, ever since I realised that my life was destined to be that of suffering, and joy is something that I cannot be able to partake in without worrying about the potential bitterness that will come just around the corner. It is not a nice way to live, I know, but sometimes, one has to make do with what one has. To be alive at all is a blessing of sorts; many a child never had the chance to see the light of day, for they perished even before being able to exit their mother's womb to see the world for themselves. Life is transient, life is pure, but no one is born exactly the same; some must suffer, while others must enjoy. It is in the order of things that things are the way they are. Some say that it is because of the stars, others the planets, and yet others claim that it has something to do with how the elements are formed during the time of birth, or even the way the name was chosen.
I'll keep it simple, and just say that it is fated. There are so many things that we all want, but how many of us can really obtain all that we desire? Humankind has tried to address this issue by instituting the concept of fairness through the division of labour and the division of the rewards, but society has been unforgiving and have doomed all such schemes to failure.
I know my lot in life is to suffer. I am but a cog in the giant machination that drives the entire human race forwards. Perhaps there are some people who care for me; the vast majority doesn't. I will not want to harm nor upset those who care, but neither do I want to live in a dream where everything is possible but none of them are achieveable.
I'd rather keep my nose to the grindstone and work away than to float about in the clouds and not be grounded about the reality of it all.
I'll keep it simple, and just say that it is fated. There are so many things that we all want, but how many of us can really obtain all that we desire? Humankind has tried to address this issue by instituting the concept of fairness through the division of labour and the division of the rewards, but society has been unforgiving and have doomed all such schemes to failure.
I know my lot in life is to suffer. I am but a cog in the giant machination that drives the entire human race forwards. Perhaps there are some people who care for me; the vast majority doesn't. I will not want to harm nor upset those who care, but neither do I want to live in a dream where everything is possible but none of them are achieveable.
I'd rather keep my nose to the grindstone and work away than to float about in the clouds and not be grounded about the reality of it all.
爱我的人和我爱的人
《爱我的人和我爱的人》——裘海正人生仿佛一场梦，在梦中是多么的开心，多么的快活。但在现实生活中，这场梦并不美丽——有的人在一生中只有伤痛，而没有幸福，又有别人一直有快乐，有很少的痛苦。
盼不到我爱的人
我知道我愿意再等
疼不了爱我的人
片刻柔情它骗不了人
我不是无情的人
却将你伤的最深
我不忍 我不能
别再认真
忘了我的人
离不开我爱的人
我知道爱需要缘分
放不下爱我的人
因为了解他多么认真
为什么最真的心
碰不到最好的人
我不问 我不能
拥在怀中
直到他变冷
爱我的人为我痴心不悔
我却为我爱的人甘心一生伤悲
在乎的人始终不对
谁对谁不必虚伪
爱我的人为我付出一切
我却为我爱的人流泪狂乱心碎
爱与被爱同样受罪
为什么不懂拒绝痴情的包围
(music)
离不开我爱的人
我知道爱需要缘分
放不下爱我的人
因为了解他多么认真
为什么最真的心
碰不到最好的人
我不问 我不能
拥在怀中
直到他变冷
爱我的人为我痴心不悔
我却为我爱的人甘心一生伤悲
在乎的人始终不对
谁对谁不必虚伪
爱我的人为我付出一切
我却为我爱的人流泪狂乱心碎
爱与被爱同样受罪
为什么不懂拒绝痴情的包围
爱我的人为我痴心不悔
我却为我爱的人甘心一生伤悲
在乎的人始终不对
谁对谁不必虚伪
爱我的人为我付出一切
我却为我爱的人流泪狂乱心碎
爱与被爱同样受罪
为什么不懂拒绝痴情的包围
在美国读书的我，心中有千万刀刃割碎的痛。此痛的缘故来至于我对人生客悲观的内心挣扎。有些时候，我心中有一种酸溜溜的痛处，感觉上好像在盼望一个爱我的人。但又有些时候，我心中有的是一种很疯狂的客观感觉，好像是遇到了我爱的人。
就像裘海正所唱的一样，当爱我的人和我爱的人不一样时，心中就会有一种不平衡的感觉。我知道爱需要缘分，但一生中我又能等多久呢？一年？十年？二十年？一生？这种等候对于我来讲，是个很苛刻的要求。我本来就是一个很理性的人，对于感情与人与人之间的切磋，只有那么一点的理解。我知道我不是什么大人物，但我也知道至少我的本性不坏。来来去去了十几年，我还是孤孤单单的走出自己的事业。有时，在寒冷的冬天夜晚里，我就会幻想自己好像找到了一个好对象，但她只不过是一场梦，根本就不纯在。也就因为这一样，我从此只在自己极度的累时才尝试入眠。我不想再遇到那种不会在现实生活出现的幻想与梦。它只是给我一个毫无根据的希望，一个在霎那间消失的希望。
爱情到底为何物？为什么它能够为某些人给予力量，但又为某些人制造麻烦？近几个月里，我的一些老朋友也在感情上受到了挫折；行走了几年的男女朋友，就在这几个月中分手。我不明白；我真的不明白。这种道理，似乎不能以理论来解释：难道这就是缘分的问题吗？
爱我的人不存在，我爱的人也不要我。在这种场合里，我又应该怎么办呢？
Friday, October 19, 2007
Tired
Ah! The freshness of the air after a gruelling fortnight!
It has, indeed, been a while since I last wrote anything here. And not without cause too, for it was really a long drawn fortnight that we all hoped would be over. There was just too many assignments and midterms happening all at the same time, and thus it was a rather hellish fortnight.
All in all, I've completed a grand total of 3 midterms over the last 48 hours, and by now am so tired. I'm probably going to take the day off and do really random stuff. Maybe I will write more later on.
It has, indeed, been a while since I last wrote anything here. And not without cause too, for it was really a long drawn fortnight that we all hoped would be over. There was just too many assignments and midterms happening all at the same time, and thus it was a rather hellish fortnight.
All in all, I've completed a grand total of 3 midterms over the last 48 hours, and by now am so tired. I'm probably going to take the day off and do really random stuff. Maybe I will write more later on.
Sunday, October 14, 2007
Serious Most of the Time == Penalty?
Here's something interesting to think about: why do people like to penalise others who are serious most of the time? By "penalise", I mean "to invoke an action that has negative social effects; examples include insults, stereotyping, and shunning". And by "serious", I mean "mostly in a state of mind no different from that of doing work".
Just think about it... perhaps someone can come up with an interesting theory/idea on the truth of this statement.
Just think about it... perhaps someone can come up with an interesting theory/idea on the truth of this statement.
Geeks, Phreaks, Creeps and Meeps
CS majors are a strange bunch. We have the geeks, the phreaks, the creeps and the meeps.
The geeks just like computers because they are fun. The geeks love to mess around with the computers, and have some form of a social life, in their own little geeky way. Funny geek talk usually follows directly from their lexicon.
The phreaks are the geeks who are so deep into their craft that they kind of lost touch with some of their social skills. At times, they can be found camping out in computer clusters, practically eating, living and sleeping there.
The creeps are phreaks gone bad; they frequent 4chan and other internet cesspools for so long that they start reeking and sound like some random /b/-tard speaking. They talk creepily, walk creepily and laugh creepily, that is of course if they actually leave the cluster in the first place.
The meeps are geeks who have turned to the dark side of money—they are not too deep into their craft but want the quick cash through business. Needless to say, these folks are usually among the most mediocre of all the CS majors, simply because they focus on the business too early. Most of the great IT heroes/businessmen didn't start off with messing with business—they just start with a good piece of code that represents a good idea, and then running with it and eventually turning it into a company of sorts. This is why the dot-com burst came about; meeps tried to to think of the business too early, without having enough of their tech ideas set up properly.
So which group am I in? That's for me to know, and for you to find out.
The geeks just like computers because they are fun. The geeks love to mess around with the computers, and have some form of a social life, in their own little geeky way. Funny geek talk usually follows directly from their lexicon.
The phreaks are the geeks who are so deep into their craft that they kind of lost touch with some of their social skills. At times, they can be found camping out in computer clusters, practically eating, living and sleeping there.
The creeps are phreaks gone bad; they frequent 4chan and other internet cesspools for so long that they start reeking and sound like some random /b/-tard speaking. They talk creepily, walk creepily and laugh creepily, that is of course if they actually leave the cluster in the first place.
The meeps are geeks who have turned to the dark side of money—they are not too deep into their craft but want the quick cash through business. Needless to say, these folks are usually among the most mediocre of all the CS majors, simply because they focus on the business too early. Most of the great IT heroes/businessmen didn't start off with messing with business—they just start with a good piece of code that represents a good idea, and then running with it and eventually turning it into a company of sorts. This is why the dot-com burst came about; meeps tried to to think of the business too early, without having enough of their tech ideas set up properly.
So which group am I in? That's for me to know, and for you to find out.
Friday, October 12, 2007
Proof Sketch of Me Being Too Weird
While studying for my logic test which will be coming in a few hours, I came up with a hypothesis why till date I am still not attracting females: I'm too weird.
Here is the situation. Suppose I am interested in some girl, and make the usual advances sans complete and absolute get-in-my-pants-now kind of flirtation. Then it is usually fairly obvious to the girl that I am interested in her. So far so good.
Now suppose that I decide to tell the girl that I like her and would like to date her. Let this action be known as a "confession". Then her reply will start with "sorry I'm not interested" followed by "why me".
While the "I'm not interested" response is trivial to justify, the response of "why me" is something that is worth a deeper analysis. If I am someone who comes across as being desirable enough for her to be interested, she would never have needed to actually ask that second question, since I would be fulfilling some kind of her own expectations/fantasies. If that is true, we are of course done.
Suppose to the contrary then that it is not true that I am desirable enough to evoke a positive feel in the her. Then the simply put question of "why me" can be understood as a rhetoric device, notsomuch as trying to determine why I was interested in her (we will examine this possibility later), but more to the effect of "oh my god, why do you like me [you freak of nature]". In this context then, it is not presumptuous to deduce that the reason why the question ever came up was due to the fact that I was too weird, and that she would never have seen me liking her.
Now, for the case of me being under the scrutiny in the determination of why I like her, a reasonable argument in my favour will be that she is insecure of her own qualities and need some kind of reassurance to boost her self-confidence. However, this can be proven to be false simply by invoking the fact that I was rejected just a sentence or two ago. If she were really to be insecure of her own qualities, then the expected feeling garnered from someone who confesses should be a favourable one, and not the rejection that was thus experienced. Since the rejection was effected, then it can be clear that I was too weird for her taste, and thus being unable to satisfy her inner insecurities with the strengths of my own.
So what is the bottomline, you might ask? Simple. I am too fscking weird for females in particular, and other people in general. I run on a higher frequency of thought, a higher energy level, and operate almost completely on a different plane of reality. I straddle the border between clinical/criminal insanity, and idiot savant. I may have some social skills, but they are better honed for a more professional relationship than a personal one.
Put simply, I'm too weird for them to take it. Need I say more about this?
Here is the situation. Suppose I am interested in some girl, and make the usual advances sans complete and absolute get-in-my-pants-now kind of flirtation. Then it is usually fairly obvious to the girl that I am interested in her. So far so good.
Now suppose that I decide to tell the girl that I like her and would like to date her. Let this action be known as a "confession". Then her reply will start with "sorry I'm not interested" followed by "why me".
While the "I'm not interested" response is trivial to justify, the response of "why me" is something that is worth a deeper analysis. If I am someone who comes across as being desirable enough for her to be interested, she would never have needed to actually ask that second question, since I would be fulfilling some kind of her own expectations/fantasies. If that is true, we are of course done.
Suppose to the contrary then that it is not true that I am desirable enough to evoke a positive feel in the her. Then the simply put question of "why me" can be understood as a rhetoric device, notsomuch as trying to determine why I was interested in her (we will examine this possibility later), but more to the effect of "oh my god, why do you like me [you freak of nature]". In this context then, it is not presumptuous to deduce that the reason why the question ever came up was due to the fact that I was too weird, and that she would never have seen me liking her.
Now, for the case of me being under the scrutiny in the determination of why I like her, a reasonable argument in my favour will be that she is insecure of her own qualities and need some kind of reassurance to boost her self-confidence. However, this can be proven to be false simply by invoking the fact that I was rejected just a sentence or two ago. If she were really to be insecure of her own qualities, then the expected feeling garnered from someone who confesses should be a favourable one, and not the rejection that was thus experienced. Since the rejection was effected, then it can be clear that I was too weird for her taste, and thus being unable to satisfy her inner insecurities with the strengths of my own.
So what is the bottomline, you might ask? Simple. I am too fscking weird for females in particular, and other people in general. I run on a higher frequency of thought, a higher energy level, and operate almost completely on a different plane of reality. I straddle the border between clinical/criminal insanity, and idiot savant. I may have some social skills, but they are better honed for a more professional relationship than a personal one.
Put simply, I'm too weird for them to take it. Need I say more about this?
Monday, October 08, 2007
Bad Things Return With Good
How volatile can life be?
With the old me returning, all the good things are coming back to me.
But at the same time, some of the old ones are too.
Guess that's all that I can say now.
These next two weeks are going to be gruelling, so I'm gonna be putting in the effort needed to make sure that I come out unscathed from them.
Meanwhile, take care for now.
With the old me returning, all the good things are coming back to me.
But at the same time, some of the old ones are too.
Guess that's all that I can say now.
These next two weeks are going to be gruelling, so I'm gonna be putting in the effort needed to make sure that I come out unscathed from them.
Meanwhile, take care for now.
Sunday, October 07, 2007
Tech Stuff Again
In reference to this, I think that it is a wonderful idea to be able to use computers to aid us in the design of novel solutions to existing problems, with more cost effectiveness and overall efficiency being almost guaranteed. However, like how I always am cautious with technology, I believe that this is also a cause of concern. Human society is never known to be running things in the "global optimum" scale; for the most part, we just try to get things done to the point where we get a good enough return for the amount of energy and money invested. Usually, this means that we are not quite at the 100% efficiency, because beyond a certain level of efficiency, the cost required to further bump up the capability is often exponential. That said, with the advent of cheaper means of doing the trial-and-error process (often the most time consuming of all), it will not be a surprise if we start having designed devices and processes outstripping those that we originally designed.
Which brings us to the question: do we really need/want the extreme optimal of everything? And more importantly, are all these going to architect our own downfall eventually, when our technology has evolved past the point where they literally start having a life on their own. Already, we have passed the threshold where a single human can literally understand all of the known human knowledge; how much more before we reach the point where even a group of humans cannot understand all of the known human knowledge?
In other news, my faith in turning to nature for inspiration is further enhanced by this article on mother-of-pearl and this article on the appendix. I always have a saying, despite all the great advances that we humans have, nature has been at it for almost 15 billion years, so I think that sometimes we need to eat the humble pie and look at nature for inspiration.
15 billion years of trial-and-error is indeed a force to reckon with. heheheheh...
Which brings us to the question: do we really need/want the extreme optimal of everything? And more importantly, are all these going to architect our own downfall eventually, when our technology has evolved past the point where they literally start having a life on their own. Already, we have passed the threshold where a single human can literally understand all of the known human knowledge; how much more before we reach the point where even a group of humans cannot understand all of the known human knowledge?
In other news, my faith in turning to nature for inspiration is further enhanced by this article on mother-of-pearl and this article on the appendix. I always have a saying, despite all the great advances that we humans have, nature has been at it for almost 15 billion years, so I think that sometimes we need to eat the humble pie and look at nature for inspiration.
15 billion years of trial-and-error is indeed a force to reckon with. heheheheh...
Saturday, October 06, 2007
Loco Females—Get Lost, I'm Not Interested
As part of the "get myself back together campaign", I've decided to be wary of females. Specifically, I have decided to be wary of females who has problems psychologically, in the sense that they are literally loco. Ever since I got rudely removed from the relationship thingy, I find myself sitting on the sidelines and adopting a more non-chalant viewpoint on things, thus allowing me to observe the people around me a little better. So, there are some girls out there that I think no guy should ever get close to—these are the loco girls that I'm referring to.
But what exactly do I mean when I say that some girl is loco?
It isn't too hard, really, and the observations that I make are not directed at only the females; they apply to folks in general, but as males we might tend to overlook this fact when all the hormones are raging all over the place. Before I get hit with all those sexist allegations, let me state here once and for all that it is just my personal observation.
First off, don't trust girls who ask you to buy alcohol for them so that they can drown their sorrows. I mean it. Anyone who resorts to alcohol as the first resort towards problem solving is definitely one who has serious problems with coping with reality. Responsible and matured folks know that alcohol is not the solution to any problem—all it does is to postpone the reckoning to some other time, it never does make the problem "go away". Since I'm not going for cheap thrills, I'm definitely avoiding this group of females; I have the right to date someone who is more sure of herself, and not be some uncontrollable immature girl that she is.
Secondly, girls who keep on trying to put you down through subtle and not-so-subtle comments/snarky remarks should be treated with caution. These folks probably have some kind of inferiority/superiority complex and want to show how much more "powerful" they are as compared to you, and will make your life ridiculously difficult by making you jump through unnecessary hoops. I mean, come on, relationships are supposed to be partnerships, not some kind of contest to see who is the best; it is really pointless to show that one is much better than the other person because it introduces complications relating to how a person perceives his/her self-worth. Again, I'm not going to get myself to be entangled with females of this sort.
Thirdly, girls who talk to you not because of you being you but you being a manifestation of some weird stereotype should also be treated with caution, particularly if they seem to suggest that they want your attention. These group is dangerous because they are drawn in by some of their own fantasy, and are thus blinded by reality, which means that when that little bubble breaks because you are you and thus do not fit the imagery that they have, you'll be in for a great heart-breaking. Seriously, I'll just talk to them at the very most, maybe flirt around a little for fun, and not take them too seriously.
Fourthly, girls who treat you exceptionally nice. Meaning, if some girl appears to be interested in you for whatever reason, it doesn't mean that they really want to know more about you. I admit for a fact that I am neither a psychologist nor well-versed enough in the way that women think, but I will not be that easily hooked by some girl who appears to be interested in me. I mean, I'm not some poor pathetic soul who needs some loving from some random girl; not all guys are fanboys. Maybe she is just trying to flirt around, test waters, take some chances; I'll just play along, but I'm not expecting much, unless I know her long enough to know what her intentions are.
Inasmuch as it is the right of the girl to determine who she wants to go out with, I think that males have the exact same right to decide who he wants to go out with also. The legions of male folks who are in the traditionally male-dominated fields are not a pathetic bunch that is to be taken advantage of—it is time to even out the playing field again. The idea of female companionship to a male should not be taken as some kind of commodity/edge/advantage to be misused by the females on the supposed helpless horde of geeks—we too have the right to determine who we want to go out with, and to do what when we are with them.
So, can all those inane girls please grow up and leave the hell alone of me if you are loco? I am not your typical geek; there's more in me than you'd ever think that you know. Don't make me do evil things to thwart your stupid plans...
...I never make empty threats.
But what exactly do I mean when I say that some girl is loco?
It isn't too hard, really, and the observations that I make are not directed at only the females; they apply to folks in general, but as males we might tend to overlook this fact when all the hormones are raging all over the place. Before I get hit with all those sexist allegations, let me state here once and for all that it is just my personal observation.
First off, don't trust girls who ask you to buy alcohol for them so that they can drown their sorrows. I mean it. Anyone who resorts to alcohol as the first resort towards problem solving is definitely one who has serious problems with coping with reality. Responsible and matured folks know that alcohol is not the solution to any problem—all it does is to postpone the reckoning to some other time, it never does make the problem "go away". Since I'm not going for cheap thrills, I'm definitely avoiding this group of females; I have the right to date someone who is more sure of herself, and not be some uncontrollable immature girl that she is.
Secondly, girls who keep on trying to put you down through subtle and not-so-subtle comments/snarky remarks should be treated with caution. These folks probably have some kind of inferiority/superiority complex and want to show how much more "powerful" they are as compared to you, and will make your life ridiculously difficult by making you jump through unnecessary hoops. I mean, come on, relationships are supposed to be partnerships, not some kind of contest to see who is the best; it is really pointless to show that one is much better than the other person because it introduces complications relating to how a person perceives his/her self-worth. Again, I'm not going to get myself to be entangled with females of this sort.
Thirdly, girls who talk to you not because of you being you but you being a manifestation of some weird stereotype should also be treated with caution, particularly if they seem to suggest that they want your attention. These group is dangerous because they are drawn in by some of their own fantasy, and are thus blinded by reality, which means that when that little bubble breaks because you are you and thus do not fit the imagery that they have, you'll be in for a great heart-breaking. Seriously, I'll just talk to them at the very most, maybe flirt around a little for fun, and not take them too seriously.
Fourthly, girls who treat you exceptionally nice. Meaning, if some girl appears to be interested in you for whatever reason, it doesn't mean that they really want to know more about you. I admit for a fact that I am neither a psychologist nor well-versed enough in the way that women think, but I will not be that easily hooked by some girl who appears to be interested in me. I mean, I'm not some poor pathetic soul who needs some loving from some random girl; not all guys are fanboys. Maybe she is just trying to flirt around, test waters, take some chances; I'll just play along, but I'm not expecting much, unless I know her long enough to know what her intentions are.
Inasmuch as it is the right of the girl to determine who she wants to go out with, I think that males have the exact same right to decide who he wants to go out with also. The legions of male folks who are in the traditionally male-dominated fields are not a pathetic bunch that is to be taken advantage of—it is time to even out the playing field again. The idea of female companionship to a male should not be taken as some kind of commodity/edge/advantage to be misused by the females on the supposed helpless horde of geeks—we too have the right to determine who we want to go out with, and to do what when we are with them.
So, can all those inane girls please grow up and leave the hell alone of me if you are loco? I am not your typical geek; there's more in me than you'd ever think that you know. Don't make me do evil things to thwart your stupid plans...
...I never make empty threats.
Tuesday, October 02, 2007
I am back.
Probability is a fascinating subject—it is at once the most beautiful and most ugly of the mathematics that I have ever needed to do. It is beautiful as it describes the world in a way that seems most natural, since most of the world's processes are not really completely deterministic.
And it is the most ugly of mathematics because trying to do them exactly requires good models, good intuition, and good algebraic manipulations just to get the math to "work out". That all said, I have this love-hate relationship with probability that sometimes makes things really hard to ignore completely.
So I'm currently taking a course called "Probability and Computing", and it is basically among the hardest of all probability courses that one can take (I take it because I want to learn), but as usual it might just seem that it is not a good idea, since it makes my life in trying to secure my 3.8 GPA ever so hard. But why do I still do things like that to myself?
Because I fscking hell want to learn things that are useful for what I need to do in the future.
I can't be taking all kinds of stupid and silly courses which contribute absolutely nothing to what I know; I think as a cost analysis, by doing that to maintain the 3.8 GPA would be a greater misappropriation of public funds than anything else. Tuition fees here are not cheap at all, compared to the other colleges in the United States, so why not get our money's worth by actually learning something. I can't help myself for knowing most of the stuff before I came here, but should I really force myself to just take wimpy classes to satisfy on paper a very short term goal? Am I considered a short-term investment of the country, or a long-term one?
Folks know that for long-term investments, the global gains doesn't usually mean that the local gains are sizeable; this is just a basic rule of global optimisation. So, should I be adopting a long-term investment strategy and learn things useful in the long-term (at the risk of hurting myself in the interim), or just "play it safe" and do things that satisfy only the short-term, with no guarantee that it will satisfy things in the long-term.
Well, I'd say the hell with it. I'm here for the long haul—I'm not going to be one of those people who disappear off the surface of the earth after college, stuck in some mundane task of a job. I want to better myself; I want to step out and do things. As I said, no more Mr Nice Guy; it is of my personal interest to be the best that I can be, and take the risks that no one dares to take, to stand up and do what is the most right thing for the country, and not be afraid of the bureaucratic process. If my worth is not valued by one party, I can always move on to another one; it is not a threat but a clear case of deduction. No one is indispensable, and where there's still life, there is always a way.
I am going to pwn all those n00bs just to prove my point. I may not be the best, but I am the best that they have because I am willing to actually learn.
Enough said; I've ranted enough. I feel the fire that burned deep within me years ago rekindling itself; I feel that insatiable thirst of knowledge that I once lost a long time ago when I was serving out my national service.
I am back.
And it is the most ugly of mathematics because trying to do them exactly requires good models, good intuition, and good algebraic manipulations just to get the math to "work out". That all said, I have this love-hate relationship with probability that sometimes makes things really hard to ignore completely.
So I'm currently taking a course called "Probability and Computing", and it is basically among the hardest of all probability courses that one can take (I take it because I want to learn), but as usual it might just seem that it is not a good idea, since it makes my life in trying to secure my 3.8 GPA ever so hard. But why do I still do things like that to myself?
Because I fscking hell want to learn things that are useful for what I need to do in the future.
I can't be taking all kinds of stupid and silly courses which contribute absolutely nothing to what I know; I think as a cost analysis, by doing that to maintain the 3.8 GPA would be a greater misappropriation of public funds than anything else. Tuition fees here are not cheap at all, compared to the other colleges in the United States, so why not get our money's worth by actually learning something. I can't help myself for knowing most of the stuff before I came here, but should I really force myself to just take wimpy classes to satisfy on paper a very short term goal? Am I considered a short-term investment of the country, or a long-term one?
Folks know that for long-term investments, the global gains doesn't usually mean that the local gains are sizeable; this is just a basic rule of global optimisation. So, should I be adopting a long-term investment strategy and learn things useful in the long-term (at the risk of hurting myself in the interim), or just "play it safe" and do things that satisfy only the short-term, with no guarantee that it will satisfy things in the long-term.
Well, I'd say the hell with it. I'm here for the long haul—I'm not going to be one of those people who disappear off the surface of the earth after college, stuck in some mundane task of a job. I want to better myself; I want to step out and do things. As I said, no more Mr Nice Guy; it is of my personal interest to be the best that I can be, and take the risks that no one dares to take, to stand up and do what is the most right thing for the country, and not be afraid of the bureaucratic process. If my worth is not valued by one party, I can always move on to another one; it is not a threat but a clear case of deduction. No one is indispensable, and where there's still life, there is always a way.
I am going to pwn all those n00bs just to prove my point. I may not be the best, but I am the best that they have because I am willing to actually learn.
Enough said; I've ranted enough. I feel the fire that burned deep within me years ago rekindling itself; I feel that insatiable thirst of knowledge that I once lost a long time ago when I was serving out my national service.
I am back.
Monday, October 01, 2007
The Real Me
It has almost been a week since I last said anything here, and I feel a little guilty about that (well not quite, but you weren't supposed to know about that). This week has been pretty hectic like most others, but the reasons are probably more mundane than that of the previous week. Things are moving like clockwork now, and I slowly find that I'm not having any weird manifestations of existential issues. Either I'm completely deluded, or I am indeed less messed up in the head now than ever before. Only time can tell which is of the more correct form.
I am sick of my whiney self. I'm here with a purpose, I have the talents for a purpose, and so there is no reason why I need to keep on whining about this and that. Time to really make good with what I have and take on the challenges as they come, and not worry too much about things that are beyond my grasp. That said, cycling around the city in the wee hours of the morning wearing all black complete with half-finger gloves makes a most interesting and memorable trip of the city itself. It is risky alright, but it is also fun in a strange way.
I think it is time to really not care too much about what other people feel, but to think more about what I feel. No sense trying to be Mr Nice Guy if people are not going to treat you like Mr Nice Guy (they'll treat you like Mr Let's-use-him-for-our-purpose Guy). Selfish? Perhaps, but I figured that I've done enough to repay some of the folks who have invested their time and energy to support me, and it is seriously time to move on and further my own interests and not just worry about what others are thinking/worrying about. Even debts have an effective amount with which the debtor has to repay, succeeding which he/she is declared to be free of the debt. I figured that by now, I have contributed enough to earn my release from my moral obligations and it is thus time to do things that I need to and want to do.
That said, I'm starting to place less emphasis on those "friends" who are just mere acquaintances, to put it in a more useful form, I'm much more 爽快 than before. I mean, if I ask you if you want to come along for some event and you say no, then so be it; I'm not going to waste any more energy/time to try to convince you otherwise. If I ask you to please call me if you are going to do something because I am also interested in doing the same thing, and then you don't bother calling me, I will also not give a damn.
True friends come with time, and acquaintances are plentiful. And this is the amazing United States of America, where there are always a lot of people, who don't really know the other people well. While I truly admire the female form, I've come to realise that there are only that many things that are truly beautiful: code, mathematics and sleep. This is a race against time, a race between me and the time that I have left, and I simply will not tolerate having to slow down against my own accord to just accommodate some folks who are just acquaintances.
I feel my arrogance back again—it is a most wonderful feeling, since I feel enarmoured and invulnerable, much like how I was in junior college and before, and not like the wussy feeling I had when I was going through national service. This is the real me, this is absolutely the real me. Scrape away every single layer of skin and flesh, leaving only the bone, and you'll find the essence of me in this way.
I stand tall, and scorn those who try to nibble away at my feet. I stomp on them, crushing them once and for all.
I am sick of my whiney self. I'm here with a purpose, I have the talents for a purpose, and so there is no reason why I need to keep on whining about this and that. Time to really make good with what I have and take on the challenges as they come, and not worry too much about things that are beyond my grasp. That said, cycling around the city in the wee hours of the morning wearing all black complete with half-finger gloves makes a most interesting and memorable trip of the city itself. It is risky alright, but it is also fun in a strange way.
I think it is time to really not care too much about what other people feel, but to think more about what I feel. No sense trying to be Mr Nice Guy if people are not going to treat you like Mr Nice Guy (they'll treat you like Mr Let's-use-him-for-our-purpose Guy). Selfish? Perhaps, but I figured that I've done enough to repay some of the folks who have invested their time and energy to support me, and it is seriously time to move on and further my own interests and not just worry about what others are thinking/worrying about. Even debts have an effective amount with which the debtor has to repay, succeeding which he/she is declared to be free of the debt. I figured that by now, I have contributed enough to earn my release from my moral obligations and it is thus time to do things that I need to and want to do.
That said, I'm starting to place less emphasis on those "friends" who are just mere acquaintances, to put it in a more useful form, I'm much more 爽快 than before. I mean, if I ask you if you want to come along for some event and you say no, then so be it; I'm not going to waste any more energy/time to try to convince you otherwise. If I ask you to please call me if you are going to do something because I am also interested in doing the same thing, and then you don't bother calling me, I will also not give a damn.
True friends come with time, and acquaintances are plentiful. And this is the amazing United States of America, where there are always a lot of people, who don't really know the other people well. While I truly admire the female form, I've come to realise that there are only that many things that are truly beautiful: code, mathematics and sleep. This is a race against time, a race between me and the time that I have left, and I simply will not tolerate having to slow down against my own accord to just accommodate some folks who are just acquaintances.
I feel my arrogance back again—it is a most wonderful feeling, since I feel enarmoured and invulnerable, much like how I was in junior college and before, and not like the wussy feeling I had when I was going through national service. This is the real me, this is absolutely the real me. Scrape away every single layer of skin and flesh, leaving only the bone, and you'll find the essence of me in this way.
I stand tall, and scorn those who try to nibble away at my feet. I stomp on them, crushing them once and for all.
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