Secretly, I use IRC channels as a means of keeping time. I suppose that's one of the reasons why I was on #cslounge a lot; partially it was for the company, partially because it helped to keep the time. So in that sense, even though I'm not on #cslounge for now, I still hang out on some other IRC channel just to get some news (and pretty scrolling text when the words come fast and furious!) and also the time.
So, where was I? Well, this writing is going to be very rambling, since I don't really have a set idea to talk about---I'm just doing one of those ``free association'' things that Freud used to champion about. Somehow I feel a certain sense of calm within me; I think that it is mildly odd, to say the least, since not too long ago I was still in a rather disquiet mood. Yet today I find some semblence of serenity within me---is this the proverbial ``eye of the storm'', where beyond the level in which I currently exist lies yet another tumultuous time?
Tsk tsk... strange thoughts about the future creep upon me again.
But then again, must there be a rough time after every calm? Similarly, must every calm be followed by a rough time? What makes a person feel discomforted, what makes a person feel at ease? Do different people have different notions of comfort? Is life all about living, or is it about living good, or worse, is it about living a most decadent form?
Rebirth, cycle of life. Looking forwards, reflecting upon the past. Confusing juxtaposed emotions sealed by the eerie calm of the rational. Hmm... that last idea seems rather conceivable, that within the supposed calm that I am exhibiting, there lies the confused emotions that have been draining me of my energy for the entire time.
But emotions and emotive content, do they really matter at all? Is happiness something truly to be desired? Can the happiness found truly be eternal? What is eternal? Does there exist everlasting love? Is everlasting happiness a myth? Is suffering the only path to salvation? What salvation is there? What salvation are we talking about? Are we more interested in this life, or the next?
Pfft... so many questions. I know that many of them sound like rehashes of each other, but sue me. Sometimes it is hard to not think about questions like this, yet at others, the very nature of the questions seem to make up the essence of the underlying structure that begets the situation.
Alright, I suppose I'm starting to not make any sense anymore. But... whatever... I suppose? Life is strange on so many levels; maybe there is some other way of looking at it that I have not figured out yet.
Maybe some day I can figure things out better...
Monday, July 27, 2009
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Hugs
So, while I look at the currently seemingly broken ``new post'' page of Blogger and typing out this line, I wonder: have I really hit rock bottom this time? If I have truly hit rock bottom, then this is probably the first time ever that I am so utterly defeated in something that I had done.
I am sort of past the stage where I can actually justify/rationalise/explain away why I am behaving the way I am. At this point, what I need the most is probably not some one to talk to, but just someone to hold on to for a little while just to feel that special human touch that words don't seem to be able to put together well.
Unfortunately, finding someone who is willing to give me a hug is neigh impossible where I am now, all because of stupid societal ``conventions''.
I am a big fan of hugs---I don't believe that there is anything more comforting than a hug when someone is down. It doesn't matter what gender the person giving the hug is---as long as it is a hug, it is something wonderful and magical that always help the person being hugged, reminding him/her that things are probably not so bad. In many senses, a hug is representative of the lowering of the guard, the literal welcoming of someone into one's arms to show that one is a friend, and the most direct way of demonstrating support and care for someone.
Yet, stupid societal ``conventions'' deny the expression of such a basic human emotion in my current location.
Contrary to popular belief, hugs need not convey any form of sexual interest at all. More generally, there are at least two types of hugs, namely the full-contact hug which includes having most of the two participants' bellies touching, and the half-contact hug, where it is only the upper torso of the participants are in contact. Obviously, full-contact hugs are reserved for very intimate encounters, and this is the hug that everyone seems to be thinking of when the unqualified term is used. Yet that is not the most useful hug by a large degree---the half-contact one is infinitely more useful. It is friendly yet unsexual---there is closeness yet intimacy is not hinted upon. In short, it is a nice way of showing that one cares for another person (probably a friend) without planting the ``wrong ideas'' in the other person's head.
Of course being the cynic I am, I tend to criticise society for denying me and many others of the chance to have a nice hug to calm oneself down. But there is most certainly another way to look at it---I am too weak to be able to stand against emotional blows without resorting to support through hugs. This is also obviously the defeatist perspective that dominates my soul at the moment, something that I cannot easily shake away like that.
So, in view of what I have said here, if you are a friend of mine who happen to see me walking around, please don't hesitate to just walk up to me and give me a hug, and help me remind my rational self that the world is still revolving, and the end is not here yet, and there is much to be done, and that moping around is not going to help. A hug is all it takes---you don't need to go searching for the right words to say---I will understand perfectly when you give me that hug.
Until next time.
I am sort of past the stage where I can actually justify/rationalise/explain away why I am behaving the way I am. At this point, what I need the most is probably not some one to talk to, but just someone to hold on to for a little while just to feel that special human touch that words don't seem to be able to put together well.
Unfortunately, finding someone who is willing to give me a hug is neigh impossible where I am now, all because of stupid societal ``conventions''.
I am a big fan of hugs---I don't believe that there is anything more comforting than a hug when someone is down. It doesn't matter what gender the person giving the hug is---as long as it is a hug, it is something wonderful and magical that always help the person being hugged, reminding him/her that things are probably not so bad. In many senses, a hug is representative of the lowering of the guard, the literal welcoming of someone into one's arms to show that one is a friend, and the most direct way of demonstrating support and care for someone.
Yet, stupid societal ``conventions'' deny the expression of such a basic human emotion in my current location.
Contrary to popular belief, hugs need not convey any form of sexual interest at all. More generally, there are at least two types of hugs, namely the full-contact hug which includes having most of the two participants' bellies touching, and the half-contact hug, where it is only the upper torso of the participants are in contact. Obviously, full-contact hugs are reserved for very intimate encounters, and this is the hug that everyone seems to be thinking of when the unqualified term is used. Yet that is not the most useful hug by a large degree---the half-contact one is infinitely more useful. It is friendly yet unsexual---there is closeness yet intimacy is not hinted upon. In short, it is a nice way of showing that one cares for another person (probably a friend) without planting the ``wrong ideas'' in the other person's head.
Of course being the cynic I am, I tend to criticise society for denying me and many others of the chance to have a nice hug to calm oneself down. But there is most certainly another way to look at it---I am too weak to be able to stand against emotional blows without resorting to support through hugs. This is also obviously the defeatist perspective that dominates my soul at the moment, something that I cannot easily shake away like that.
So, in view of what I have said here, if you are a friend of mine who happen to see me walking around, please don't hesitate to just walk up to me and give me a hug, and help me remind my rational self that the world is still revolving, and the end is not here yet, and there is much to be done, and that moping around is not going to help. A hug is all it takes---you don't need to go searching for the right words to say---I will understand perfectly when you give me that hug.
Until next time.
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Pathetic
Pathetic. The worst form of pathetic.
That is the only form of description that I have for myself. Why am I still sore over what has happened? Why am I still so annoyed at things? Why do I still feel so uncomfortable?
More importantly, why am I angry with myself?
The only answer to these is just the simple word of ``pathetic''---the all encompassing derogatory word that fully describes what I have become. The loss of a love ended with the consequent loss of a spine, which further led to the whole wallow-in-self-pity phase that I seem to currently be in.
Yesterday was an interesting Friday; I met up with some of my old class mates. The evening passed by innocently enough, with the usual banter that is expected from a self-proclaimed eccentric. Yet as the night wore on, and the company filtering down to only a fraction of what we originally began with, the most innocent of questions triggered the most intense denial and detachment that I have ever experienced.
Pathetic indeed.
She's not here anymore, not in person, not even in spirit. I mean nothing to her now---she might say that we are still friends, but personally I think that the mere thought that we are still friends at this stage is just wishful thinking---I have not gotten over her completely yet. Yet despite her conspicuous absence, why does she still have so much power and influence over my psyche, if not for the fact that I am being pathetic?
In some senses, being with her was among the happiest moments in my life, yet now I find that the very things that helped me pass my life happier then were rapidly being robbed from me. Already I find myself stifled in #cslounge, with her appearing ever so often and trying to be ``in the crowd'' of the misfits; and then there is the Facebook, which essentially plastered my home page with ``news feeds'' of her conversations with many of those friends that I introduced her to, and not to mention all the image/picture tags of her having fun with these same people, people whom she would not have talked to were it not through my introduction.
Needless to say, I tried hiding as many of these ``news feeds'' as much as possible. And I have actually given up on #cslounge---there's no point in trying to reclaim what was my original haunting ground, since it's probably more true that she will have more need to talk to those people than I do. The truth is, I've never really felt close to anyone, even having lived for more than 2 decades.
So utterly pathetic and useless as a human.
And of course, there are other things to worry about, like the fact that there is the off-chance that my plans go awry, and might not be able to enter graduate school as desired. But I suppose at the very least, I can still plan exigencies for these situations better than other things.
Oh, and I talked to Ida recently, and was pathetic enough to tell her that I wanted her back. I suppose nothing else can top the list of pathetic actions that I have taken so far.
This world is starting to lose its colour---the more I stay in it, the more I find that it has descended into an amorphous blob of greys. I see people walking past me, walking next to me, yet I do not feel that anyone truly wants to walk with me. Sure, I might have one or two close friends, but some day even they will get tired of my patheticalness and choose to carry on leading their own lives away from mine.
Divergence in life path is something that I accept as the eventual outcome from most of life's interactions.
Perhaps being tethered to another person emotionally is not something that I was designed or equipped to do---things always seem to go wrong at the worst possible time. Maybe part of the reason is the whole timing issue. Sadu asked me last night, when is my next ``hunting season'' beginning. And the only answer I gave him was, not for a long time.
Such a pathetic reply, almost expected from a pathetic person like me.
That is the only form of description that I have for myself. Why am I still sore over what has happened? Why am I still so annoyed at things? Why do I still feel so uncomfortable?
More importantly, why am I angry with myself?
The only answer to these is just the simple word of ``pathetic''---the all encompassing derogatory word that fully describes what I have become. The loss of a love ended with the consequent loss of a spine, which further led to the whole wallow-in-self-pity phase that I seem to currently be in.
Yesterday was an interesting Friday; I met up with some of my old class mates. The evening passed by innocently enough, with the usual banter that is expected from a self-proclaimed eccentric. Yet as the night wore on, and the company filtering down to only a fraction of what we originally began with, the most innocent of questions triggered the most intense denial and detachment that I have ever experienced.
Pathetic indeed.
She's not here anymore, not in person, not even in spirit. I mean nothing to her now---she might say that we are still friends, but personally I think that the mere thought that we are still friends at this stage is just wishful thinking---I have not gotten over her completely yet. Yet despite her conspicuous absence, why does she still have so much power and influence over my psyche, if not for the fact that I am being pathetic?
In some senses, being with her was among the happiest moments in my life, yet now I find that the very things that helped me pass my life happier then were rapidly being robbed from me. Already I find myself stifled in #cslounge, with her appearing ever so often and trying to be ``in the crowd'' of the misfits; and then there is the Facebook, which essentially plastered my home page with ``news feeds'' of her conversations with many of those friends that I introduced her to, and not to mention all the image/picture tags of her having fun with these same people, people whom she would not have talked to were it not through my introduction.
Needless to say, I tried hiding as many of these ``news feeds'' as much as possible. And I have actually given up on #cslounge---there's no point in trying to reclaim what was my original haunting ground, since it's probably more true that she will have more need to talk to those people than I do. The truth is, I've never really felt close to anyone, even having lived for more than 2 decades.
So utterly pathetic and useless as a human.
And of course, there are other things to worry about, like the fact that there is the off-chance that my plans go awry, and might not be able to enter graduate school as desired. But I suppose at the very least, I can still plan exigencies for these situations better than other things.
Oh, and I talked to Ida recently, and was pathetic enough to tell her that I wanted her back. I suppose nothing else can top the list of pathetic actions that I have taken so far.
This world is starting to lose its colour---the more I stay in it, the more I find that it has descended into an amorphous blob of greys. I see people walking past me, walking next to me, yet I do not feel that anyone truly wants to walk with me. Sure, I might have one or two close friends, but some day even they will get tired of my patheticalness and choose to carry on leading their own lives away from mine.
Divergence in life path is something that I accept as the eventual outcome from most of life's interactions.
Perhaps being tethered to another person emotionally is not something that I was designed or equipped to do---things always seem to go wrong at the worst possible time. Maybe part of the reason is the whole timing issue. Sadu asked me last night, when is my next ``hunting season'' beginning. And the only answer I gave him was, not for a long time.
Such a pathetic reply, almost expected from a pathetic person like me.
Friday, July 24, 2009
Time
The strange thing about confronting one's issues is that while the confrontation itself might be very painful in the beginning, in the long run, perhaps it will actually be a good thing for oneself. Here's how I look at it---if I never confront my fears to actually decide once and for all how screwy my perceptions are on the perceived fears, there is no way of knowing if the fears are warranted or not. In this case, I am referring to the various aspects of my life that are sort of falling apart as time goes by. Part of the reason why I am having some trouble here and there with regards to how exactly to feel could be that I didn't really choose to confront what was causing me all the grief---the moment I started to confront them one by one and take an active step forward towards better understanding what is going on, and also to determine the best cause of action, I start to feel less stressed out. In fact, I can even claim that I actually become more calm due to the relieving aspects of being able to talk through to see what is going on.
So, sure, life sucks, the sky is falling, the ground shakes too much, I'm dirt broke and out of love. But at the very least, I am still standing on my own two feet solidly on the ground. It is a rough patch---I'm still struggling to get through, but I will pull through somehow.
I always will. I just need more time.
So, sure, life sucks, the sky is falling, the ground shakes too much, I'm dirt broke and out of love. But at the very least, I am still standing on my own two feet solidly on the ground. It is a rough patch---I'm still struggling to get through, but I will pull through somehow.
I always will. I just need more time.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
The Curse
If things were to have gone smoothly, today would have been the magical marker of 1.5 years of my relationship with Ida. Unfortunately, things didn't go that smoothly, and so I find myself sitting here wondering about the life, universe and everything associated with them.
It has been almost 3 weeks since I was dumped. It actually took me a while to decide what verb to use in the last sentence due to the various connotations and nuances that each word can project. I think I chose ``dump'' this time instead of the usual phrasing of ``break up'' because I think perhaps it is time to put things into a slightly more selfish perspective---maybe it is time that I start taking control of my life and asserting myself in a way that doesn't harm me anymore. Don't get me wrong, this doesn't mean that I swing to the other extreme and become extremely self-centred and not care about other people or their feelings; I just mean that I should start caring about myself more instead of always caring for other people all the time.
Besides, wasn't I the one who said that ``the only person to go with you all the way to the end is yourself''?
So right. Back to where I was before I digressed into some odd grammatical/English thing. It has been three weeks since I was dumped. Do I feel resentment? Maybe, I think it is hard to be completely devoid of that particular feeling type, since as far as I know, I did not do anything wrong that warrant a break-up. Do I feel sad? Most definitely, though the emotional impact on me is starting to be reduced even as time goes by. However, this does not mean that I am actually on the mend or anything---these things take time, and while I am not curled up in a corner and crying to myself all the time, I still feel a certain sense of melancholy that permeates through my being. Hopefully in time, I will recover to a level that I am actually happy to live with, but for now, I suppose burying myself in work is the best thing that I can do.
Each time I close my eyes, I keep getting reminded about how Ida and I were like together. The sights, the smells, the feelings all wash over me. Sometimes I find myself just silently tearing up, even in public whenever this happens. It's saddening, but who would really care other than for me? Would Ida care about it if I told her that I still had feelings for her? I doubt it... since she was the one who initiated the break-up, and I just agreed with her [reluctantly] because I respected her wishes. But who is hurt here, eventually? I think there is this really deep chasm that has fissured between Ida and I after the break-up that is not easily dealt with by me (I don't know about her). Suddenly the familiar seems so alien, the close seems so aloof---I'm not even sure how best I should be dealing with this, or even how I should be talking to her now. Should I be cordial yet formal, or downright angry at what happened? Heh... I still don't know how best to feel in this instance.
One and a half years ago, we decided to go out together. That's where ``The Curse'' comes in. Now that things didn't work out well, I will always be remembering the fateful day that we made a decision to go out together, since it was on that time of the year that I knew but chose to ignore for the most part---my birthday. Yes, it is a curse because each time this day passes, I will be forced to remember the relationship that never was, the happiness that was fleeing, and the ensuing pain that I could never really release completely. Melodramatic? Perhaps... but somehow I foresee this happening every year from now on, for Ida was truly my first true love, a love that I gave out of my own volition, a love that I thought could bear fruit in the long run instead of the flings that people seem to like having these days.
Of course it wasn't meant to be... the stars have foretold that a long time ago. I'm just trying my luck to see if I can conquer the fate that I seem to be associated with. Turns out there's only a limit in which I can deviate from the life path that the stars have ordained. Occult belief at work here? Maybe... but isn't it natural for people to turn to the supernatural in times of distress where science and reason no longer offer the solace that one requires to keep one's sanity in the ever-changing environment of emotions?
So what next? That's a valid question that deserves an answer, for sure. I suppose that having any more [serious] relationships in the short term is going to be nothing but pain (and unfairness, since I'm probably not in the right state of mind to be pursuing a new relationship of any sort), so I'll probably not even try to go down that path. If Fate were to have it's way, someone interesting will surely drop into my life again, lead me on another wild-goose chase before dumping me, so I suppose that I shouldn't think too much about this. Work is definitely a must---there are many things that I need to deal with, and perhaps that will be the salve that heals the wounds that were so painfully inflicted by one whom I had entrusted my heart to axiomatically.
Que sera sera. Whatever will be, will be. And I will live on with The Curse forever.
It has been almost 3 weeks since I was dumped. It actually took me a while to decide what verb to use in the last sentence due to the various connotations and nuances that each word can project. I think I chose ``dump'' this time instead of the usual phrasing of ``break up'' because I think perhaps it is time to put things into a slightly more selfish perspective---maybe it is time that I start taking control of my life and asserting myself in a way that doesn't harm me anymore. Don't get me wrong, this doesn't mean that I swing to the other extreme and become extremely self-centred and not care about other people or their feelings; I just mean that I should start caring about myself more instead of always caring for other people all the time.
Besides, wasn't I the one who said that ``the only person to go with you all the way to the end is yourself''?
So right. Back to where I was before I digressed into some odd grammatical/English thing. It has been three weeks since I was dumped. Do I feel resentment? Maybe, I think it is hard to be completely devoid of that particular feeling type, since as far as I know, I did not do anything wrong that warrant a break-up. Do I feel sad? Most definitely, though the emotional impact on me is starting to be reduced even as time goes by. However, this does not mean that I am actually on the mend or anything---these things take time, and while I am not curled up in a corner and crying to myself all the time, I still feel a certain sense of melancholy that permeates through my being. Hopefully in time, I will recover to a level that I am actually happy to live with, but for now, I suppose burying myself in work is the best thing that I can do.
Each time I close my eyes, I keep getting reminded about how Ida and I were like together. The sights, the smells, the feelings all wash over me. Sometimes I find myself just silently tearing up, even in public whenever this happens. It's saddening, but who would really care other than for me? Would Ida care about it if I told her that I still had feelings for her? I doubt it... since she was the one who initiated the break-up, and I just agreed with her [reluctantly] because I respected her wishes. But who is hurt here, eventually? I think there is this really deep chasm that has fissured between Ida and I after the break-up that is not easily dealt with by me (I don't know about her). Suddenly the familiar seems so alien, the close seems so aloof---I'm not even sure how best I should be dealing with this, or even how I should be talking to her now. Should I be cordial yet formal, or downright angry at what happened? Heh... I still don't know how best to feel in this instance.
One and a half years ago, we decided to go out together. That's where ``The Curse'' comes in. Now that things didn't work out well, I will always be remembering the fateful day that we made a decision to go out together, since it was on that time of the year that I knew but chose to ignore for the most part---my birthday. Yes, it is a curse because each time this day passes, I will be forced to remember the relationship that never was, the happiness that was fleeing, and the ensuing pain that I could never really release completely. Melodramatic? Perhaps... but somehow I foresee this happening every year from now on, for Ida was truly my first true love, a love that I gave out of my own volition, a love that I thought could bear fruit in the long run instead of the flings that people seem to like having these days.
Of course it wasn't meant to be... the stars have foretold that a long time ago. I'm just trying my luck to see if I can conquer the fate that I seem to be associated with. Turns out there's only a limit in which I can deviate from the life path that the stars have ordained. Occult belief at work here? Maybe... but isn't it natural for people to turn to the supernatural in times of distress where science and reason no longer offer the solace that one requires to keep one's sanity in the ever-changing environment of emotions?
So what next? That's a valid question that deserves an answer, for sure. I suppose that having any more [serious] relationships in the short term is going to be nothing but pain (and unfairness, since I'm probably not in the right state of mind to be pursuing a new relationship of any sort), so I'll probably not even try to go down that path. If Fate were to have it's way, someone interesting will surely drop into my life again, lead me on another wild-goose chase before dumping me, so I suppose that I shouldn't think too much about this. Work is definitely a must---there are many things that I need to deal with, and perhaps that will be the salve that heals the wounds that were so painfully inflicted by one whom I had entrusted my heart to axiomatically.
Que sera sera. Whatever will be, will be. And I will live on with The Curse forever.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
More Random Mumblings
Sometimes, I wonder what it is like to be an attractive person, to be able to attract people effortlessly, to be confident to flirt around a little, and perhaps get a few admirers. I mean, I've never really felt that I was remotely attractive by any degree, being cursed for most of my younger years with a rather obvious affliction of skin allergies with all the rash and peeling skin, and am now being cursed for being the ``weird'' one who just doesn't seem to conform to normal social behaviours and all. Having been called a ``monster'' once by a kid on the public transit system made a rather terrible imprint in my mind---maybe I was still traumatised by the whole event. So many things that have happened in the past that keeps haunting me this way.
Perhaps that is why when I end up in a relationship, I end up cherishing the moment a whole lot, because somehow I always seem to feel as though the relationship will be fleeting and thus disappear eventually.
It is not so much that I think that the relationships that I am in involve a lot of physical attraction attributes, it is more like I've never really thought that I would be attractive enough for anyone to be even remotely interested in having a relationship with me. Many times I feel rather misunderstood, yet there are times that even I think that I do not really understand myself. It is rather conflicting, to say the least; perhaps I am truly lacking quite a bit of the self-confidence with regards to my own personal happiness. Yes, yes, I am well aware that I'm starting to sound a little mushy/old-fashioned, but I suppose this is probably the best way of saying things.
I am not lacking in confidence, that's for sure---there are few things that I truly fear. I might be a little worried at my abilities from the professional perspective, but I know that I can pull through because I can. But when it comes to personal things like relationships, I am a completely different person. My fear knows no bounds, I think that I am weak, and I have little confidence in anything. All I know how to do, is to be a human who cares for other humans.
Heh. That of course didn't turn out well, since I am single once more.
So sometimes I wonder: what if I weren't the way I am, in the sense that instead of being as understanding as I can all the time, I am rather brutal and cruel some times, just to keep things in check and make things ``edgy''. Maybe that will change matters and fix what I perceive to be a character flaw in me? But am I just fooling myself? Do I really want to be someone like that? I've always prided myself on being conscientious and having a conscience, but if I were to fall down the trap as I described, am I not cheating myself completely then?
*sigh*
I think I'm digressing too far from whatever I wanted to try to say. Perhaps another time I will be able to say something a little more coherent.
Perhaps that is why when I end up in a relationship, I end up cherishing the moment a whole lot, because somehow I always seem to feel as though the relationship will be fleeting and thus disappear eventually.
It is not so much that I think that the relationships that I am in involve a lot of physical attraction attributes, it is more like I've never really thought that I would be attractive enough for anyone to be even remotely interested in having a relationship with me. Many times I feel rather misunderstood, yet there are times that even I think that I do not really understand myself. It is rather conflicting, to say the least; perhaps I am truly lacking quite a bit of the self-confidence with regards to my own personal happiness. Yes, yes, I am well aware that I'm starting to sound a little mushy/old-fashioned, but I suppose this is probably the best way of saying things.
I am not lacking in confidence, that's for sure---there are few things that I truly fear. I might be a little worried at my abilities from the professional perspective, but I know that I can pull through because I can. But when it comes to personal things like relationships, I am a completely different person. My fear knows no bounds, I think that I am weak, and I have little confidence in anything. All I know how to do, is to be a human who cares for other humans.
Heh. That of course didn't turn out well, since I am single once more.
So sometimes I wonder: what if I weren't the way I am, in the sense that instead of being as understanding as I can all the time, I am rather brutal and cruel some times, just to keep things in check and make things ``edgy''. Maybe that will change matters and fix what I perceive to be a character flaw in me? But am I just fooling myself? Do I really want to be someone like that? I've always prided myself on being conscientious and having a conscience, but if I were to fall down the trap as I described, am I not cheating myself completely then?
*sigh*
I think I'm digressing too far from whatever I wanted to try to say. Perhaps another time I will be able to say something a little more coherent.
Friday, July 17, 2009
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Heaven Knows
It is strange... that only at this moment in time I recall the song that best describes what I am feeling:And the obligatory lyrics, courtesy of www.lyricsdownload.com:
Heaven Knows——Rick PriceMaybe another update later today.
She's always on my mind
From the time I wake up,
Till I close my eyes.
She's everywhere I go
She's all I know.
And though she's so far away,
It just keeps getting stronger everyday
And even now she's gone
I'm still holding on
So tell me, where do I start
'Coz it's breakin' my heart
Don't wanna let her go
Chorus:
Maybe my love will come back someday
Only heaven knows
And maybe our hearts will find a way
But only heaven knows
And all I can do is hope & pray
'Coz heaven knows.
My friends keep telling me
That if you really love her,
You've gotta set her free
And if she returns in time
I'll know she's mine
But tell me, where do I start
'Coz it's breakin' my heart
Don't wanna let her go
(Repeat Chorus except last line)
Bridge:
'Coz heaven knows
Why I live in despair
'Coz wide awake or dreamin',
I know she's never there
And all the time I act so brave,
I'm shakin' inside
Why does it hurt me so?
(Repeat Chorus)
Heaven knows... heaven knows.
Friday, July 10, 2009
Regression..?
I don't know what to feel anymore. I think I am strong, but things always seem to be going downhill when they were originally uphill. I keep making myself sad, even though I keep reminding myself to pick up the pieces and carry on. I keep contradicting myself: I want attention, yet I don't want attention.
What the hell is wrong with me?!
I appear happy, but I'm actually sad. I think I know what I am doing, but often times I don't. I muster energy, yet seem to lose them reallyh quickly.
Why? Why? Why?!
Why the sudden confused emotions?! Didn't I already had them under control by now? Why are things erupting like that? This is beyond my own comprehension...
Stress, perhaps? Thinking about too many things at the same time, with a couple of triggers thrown in for good measure? Realising that the world is horrid and my support network can be seen as the unbalanced tree of size 4? Realising that people are always next to me, but hardly close to me?
What's going on? What is wrong with me? Why am I suddenly regressing this quickly?
What the hell is wrong with me?!
I appear happy, but I'm actually sad. I think I know what I am doing, but often times I don't. I muster energy, yet seem to lose them reallyh quickly.
Why? Why? Why?!
Why the sudden confused emotions?! Didn't I already had them under control by now? Why are things erupting like that? This is beyond my own comprehension...
Stress, perhaps? Thinking about too many things at the same time, with a couple of triggers thrown in for good measure? Realising that the world is horrid and my support network can be seen as the unbalanced tree of size 4? Realising that people are always next to me, but hardly close to me?
What's going on? What is wrong with me? Why am I suddenly regressing this quickly?
Thursday, July 09, 2009
《爱上你是我一生的错》
I've been looking for this song for years, and I've finally found it. The video is nothing to look at, but the tune is very wistful. Related to current events? Not really, just wanted to put up yet another sad song.And here are the lyrics:
《爱上你是我一生的错》——曾庆瑜Lyrics courtesy www.5inyinyue.com.
爱也走开
虽然你不愿再等待
我知道你的心
还有一点我的情
不要因为爱我
才离开我
不要再使我迷惑
风雨之中
我们的心
已经承受太多
他们说
爱上你是我一生的错
可是在爱上你以前
我又做对了什么
他们说
爱上你是我一生的错
在爱上你以前
我又做对了什么
One Week On---I'm Still Alive [Barely]
A week... it is almost a week since I was dumped. How do I feel? How am I supposed to feel? Answers to these two questions are, unfortunately, unforthcoming.
It is weird when I think about it---just slightly more than a week ago, I was one of those many blissful couples, thinking that I have found The One. Yet now, I'm just a part of the multitude of singles out there trying to figure out what it means to be single once again, and how to actually pull oneself back together after such an intensive relationship.
Yes, it was intensive. In the lyrics of my previous post there's a line that loosely translates to ``should a relationship be had if it is short but intensive, or should it be had if there's a future in it''. I guess given my mantra in life of 不在乎天长地久，只在乎曾经拥有, I think that I might be tending towards the intensive kind.
But that makes me wonder. Must relationships be classified in only these two ways? Can't a relationship be both intensive and have a future at the same time?
I have no answers for that, unfortunately. The only heuristics that I have developed so far with regards to relationships are honesty and respect. Somehow I think that I might be too much of a pansy in this regard, but honestly, I do not really know.
One week on... the last time I had a break-up (again was dumped by a girl---does this mean I'm an inherent bad person and not know it?), it took me one whole week to get over it. But that was with the aid of copious amounts of booze and the fact that I was brutally vivisected during the dumping, the details of which have been mumbled about somewhere around here. This time round, however, I don't have copious amount of booze (nor do I actually want to drink that much, since it is after all bad for the liver), I don't have karaoke, and the break-up was not in bad faith.
All these just means that it is going to be much harder to get over.
But life goes on, doesn't it? Watching various anime at home seems to help put new perspectives on things, like how clutching to the past can cause a lot of pain to those around, especially if there's a special someone who is just around the corner waiting for you to drop that past and to move on (see this and this). My old observation seems to apply yet again, that relationships don't work out if at least one of the two parties is having serious doubts about his/her role. That is a major reason why Ida and I didn't work out, in case you were wondering.
So what now? Am I alright? Depends on what one means, I suppose. I'm still functioning, but will probably lay off the whole dating scene for a while to recover more fully---my definition of a full recovery will be that and thing that reminds me of Ida will evoke only fond memories and not the strange pangs of loss that strikes deep within the heart. So far, I'm still not completely immune to the pangs of loss, so it would be at least another week before I dare say that I am on the verge of recovery. But truth be told, our interactions thereafter might be rather awkward, since some residual resentment is likely to exist---we are human after all, and after giving in so much emotions (and thus making oneself vulnerable) and then suddenly not having anything left from it makes even the most forgiving person mildly resentful in some circumstances.
Heh... I am no angel. I have my down times, and I have my ``leave me the well alone'' times. Usually I joke [badly] with folks, and don't usually anger. But some times, there's no way around it and I just explode a la Krakatoa. But once again, I digress...
Right, back to the original question: what now? Here're some goals I hope to achieve in the meantime (in no order of priority):
Alright, it is getting rather late even as I ramble on. Till next time.
It is weird when I think about it---just slightly more than a week ago, I was one of those many blissful couples, thinking that I have found The One. Yet now, I'm just a part of the multitude of singles out there trying to figure out what it means to be single once again, and how to actually pull oneself back together after such an intensive relationship.
Yes, it was intensive. In the lyrics of my previous post there's a line that loosely translates to ``should a relationship be had if it is short but intensive, or should it be had if there's a future in it''. I guess given my mantra in life of 不在乎天长地久，只在乎曾经拥有, I think that I might be tending towards the intensive kind.
But that makes me wonder. Must relationships be classified in only these two ways? Can't a relationship be both intensive and have a future at the same time?
I have no answers for that, unfortunately. The only heuristics that I have developed so far with regards to relationships are honesty and respect. Somehow I think that I might be too much of a pansy in this regard, but honestly, I do not really know.
One week on... the last time I had a break-up (again was dumped by a girl---does this mean I'm an inherent bad person and not know it?), it took me one whole week to get over it. But that was with the aid of copious amounts of booze and the fact that I was brutally vivisected during the dumping, the details of which have been mumbled about somewhere around here. This time round, however, I don't have copious amount of booze (nor do I actually want to drink that much, since it is after all bad for the liver), I don't have karaoke, and the break-up was not in bad faith.
All these just means that it is going to be much harder to get over.
But life goes on, doesn't it? Watching various anime at home seems to help put new perspectives on things, like how clutching to the past can cause a lot of pain to those around, especially if there's a special someone who is just around the corner waiting for you to drop that past and to move on (see this and this). My old observation seems to apply yet again, that relationships don't work out if at least one of the two parties is having serious doubts about his/her role. That is a major reason why Ida and I didn't work out, in case you were wondering.
So what now? Am I alright? Depends on what one means, I suppose. I'm still functioning, but will probably lay off the whole dating scene for a while to recover more fully---my definition of a full recovery will be that and thing that reminds me of Ida will evoke only fond memories and not the strange pangs of loss that strikes deep within the heart. So far, I'm still not completely immune to the pangs of loss, so it would be at least another week before I dare say that I am on the verge of recovery. But truth be told, our interactions thereafter might be rather awkward, since some residual resentment is likely to exist---we are human after all, and after giving in so much emotions (and thus making oneself vulnerable) and then suddenly not having anything left from it makes even the most forgiving person mildly resentful in some circumstances.
Heh... I am no angel. I have my down times, and I have my ``leave me the well alone'' times. Usually I joke [badly] with folks, and don't usually anger. But some times, there's no way around it and I just explode a la Krakatoa. But once again, I digress...
Right, back to the original question: what now? Here're some goals I hope to achieve in the meantime (in no order of priority):
- Lose 20kg (target BMI 22.9, current mass 85kg, ideal mass 68kg)
- Train more in Aikido
- Be a licensed driver
- Get into grad school
- Build a new computer for my mum (runs Xubuntu)
- Win NaNoWriMo
- Finish port of WriteThis 2.0
- Finish my IRC bot
Alright, it is getting rather late even as I ramble on. Till next time.
Tuesday, July 07, 2009
《爱的进行式》
The recent events that are occurring in my life remind me of this song:I think that the song sums up my current feelings adequately, the kind of longing feeling that occurs immediately after a break-up, the lingering emotions that follow up in the days after the break-up, and the eventual emotions that occur after all that is done. Mm... seems like the old songs that I listen to have some meaning after all.
《爱的进行式》——陈淑桦Lyrics courtesy of yymp3.com.
从相识到现在 从冷淡到关怀
从拒绝到依赖 从陌生到相爱
从深信到疑猜 从疼爱到伤害
从炫烂到苍白 从厮守到分开
从感动到感概 从体谅到责怪
从期待到无奈 从狂喜到悲哀
一段情宁愿短暂精彩
还是先去问他会不会有将来
一份爱如果消逝的太快
你可不可以当它是命运的安排
ALL THOSE LONELY NIGHTS
LONELY NIGHTS 多么难捱 爱过的人都明白
那种孤单的感觉到今天还在
OH LONELY NIGHTS
LONELY NIGHTS 心情多坏 爱过的人才明白
挥不去也甩开不是伤悲的情怀
抹不去的尘埃 抹不去的阴霾
你想你应不应该 拒他于千里之外
又舍不得现在 又不放心将来
如果只是害怕失败 那他究竟值不值得你爱
一段情宁愿短暂精彩
还是先去问他会不会有将来
一份爱如果消逝的太快
你可不可以当它是命运的安排
ALL THOSE LONELY NIGHTS
LONELY NIGHTS 多么难捱 爱过的人都明白
那种孤单的感觉到今天还在
OH LONELY NIGHTS
LONELY NIGHTS 心情多坏 爱过的人才明白
挥不去也甩开不是伤悲的情怀
你和他的梦还在 两颗心却依然徘徊
HO WHAT A LONELY NIGHT
HO WHAT A LONELY NIGHT
ALL THOSE LONELY NIGHTS
LONELY NIGHTS 多么难捱 爱过的人都明白
那种孤单的感觉到今天还在
OH LONELY NIGHTS
LONELY NIGHTS 心情多坏 爱过的人才明白
挥不去也甩开不是伤悲的情怀
ALL THOSE LONELY NIGHTS
LONELY NIGHTS 多么难捱 爱过的人都明白
那种孤单的感觉到今天还在
OH LONELY NIGHTS
LONELY NIGHTS 心情多坏 爱过的人才明白
挥不去也甩开不是伤悲的情怀
Monday, July 06, 2009
伤感后遗
好久没有这么说了——亚洲语言大多都会有一种比较轻切的感觉。最近的心情不佳，因为我又失恋了。这种感觉，仿佛从前有感受过，但这次又有一些不一样之处。当年的一段感情，只不过是当时一时的呜呼，是因为我们俩都有某某需要，也就这样谈上了一次的恋爱。这一回的恋爱，是有点儿不一样——我们俩之间有之重很亲切的默契。
因此，当她在网上交谈上对我说我们之间有很多不配的地方时，我一是傻了过去。
“不配的地方？”这是什么笑话嘛，走在一起的时间也有一年半之久，这竟然是她要和我分手的理由？我起初也是不肯相信，是她告诉我，只有我让她突然发现自己是可以爱上一个人的，也是她当时答应和我拍拖的，怎么突然有这一种反应呢？不可思议。
这是差不多四天前的事了。我已经哭到连眼泪也都不想出来了。分手近四天的日子，也是靠了酒精和朋友马马虎虎的这样过了。这么一段对我很有意义的感情，也随着时光一样静静地流去。可能使自己太过多情吧，认认真真地对待她，使得她无意中有了一种压力。或许是因为她的年纪还偏小，也就对这种认真的感情残深恐惧。跟可能是因为我们各分两地，各了一个太平洋，感情也就像地理一样，各分阴阳。
可能是上天的安排吧，我的前世可能做了一些在感情上不对的事，而就用今世来学会爱的美丽与苦。
爱情，它究竟是什么东西？为什么每次当我觉得已得到了真正的爱情时都会有不祥之事出现？难道这一生我是注定无法找到一个属于自己的爱人，创造一个属于自己的人间天堂吗？难道我这一生是注定单独而过的吗？
现在，女友没了；她虽然和我分手了，但我们在分手的时候答应保持联络，当对方的知己。表面上，这安排看起来还好；情人当不了就当朋友吧。但我对这一段感情的付出太多了，总觉得有些事是不可能那么容易的还原——说到底，我们曾经走得很近，曾经是彼此的世界。她在前天尝试和我在网上交谈上谈天。起初还好，但我们聊得很快就变成了一种吵闹。我尝试以平常心对待她，但情绪还没稳定，所以造成了反效果；没办法嘛，我还是个人，有感情未了，当然对前情人有一种无奈。
今天为星期一，感情也比以前好了许多。我前晚立下了对自己一个诺言，不可以酗酒消愁，感情以过，放弃的人也不是我，在乡下去也不是办法。与其沉迷于当时的快乐，不如为前途着想。我活了只有二十四年吧，最多还有十年的时间找到知心爱人，如果真得找不到，就算了，就说老天爷对我不公平吧，反正对我不利的事天天都有，都习惯了。
受了这么多，说了这么多，我也不知道自己因该怎么说，怎么想了。只愿未来会更好。
因此，当她在网上交谈上对我说我们之间有很多不配的地方时，我一是傻了过去。
“不配的地方？”这是什么笑话嘛，走在一起的时间也有一年半之久，这竟然是她要和我分手的理由？我起初也是不肯相信，是她告诉我，只有我让她突然发现自己是可以爱上一个人的，也是她当时答应和我拍拖的，怎么突然有这一种反应呢？不可思议。
这是差不多四天前的事了。我已经哭到连眼泪也都不想出来了。分手近四天的日子，也是靠了酒精和朋友马马虎虎的这样过了。这么一段对我很有意义的感情，也随着时光一样静静地流去。可能使自己太过多情吧，认认真真地对待她，使得她无意中有了一种压力。或许是因为她的年纪还偏小，也就对这种认真的感情残深恐惧。跟可能是因为我们各分两地，各了一个太平洋，感情也就像地理一样，各分阴阳。
可能是上天的安排吧，我的前世可能做了一些在感情上不对的事，而就用今世来学会爱的美丽与苦。
爱情，它究竟是什么东西？为什么每次当我觉得已得到了真正的爱情时都会有不祥之事出现？难道这一生我是注定无法找到一个属于自己的爱人，创造一个属于自己的人间天堂吗？难道我这一生是注定单独而过的吗？
现在，女友没了；她虽然和我分手了，但我们在分手的时候答应保持联络，当对方的知己。表面上，这安排看起来还好；情人当不了就当朋友吧。但我对这一段感情的付出太多了，总觉得有些事是不可能那么容易的还原——说到底，我们曾经走得很近，曾经是彼此的世界。她在前天尝试和我在网上交谈上谈天。起初还好，但我们聊得很快就变成了一种吵闹。我尝试以平常心对待她，但情绪还没稳定，所以造成了反效果；没办法嘛，我还是个人，有感情未了，当然对前情人有一种无奈。
今天为星期一，感情也比以前好了许多。我前晚立下了对自己一个诺言，不可以酗酒消愁，感情以过，放弃的人也不是我，在乡下去也不是办法。与其沉迷于当时的快乐，不如为前途着想。我活了只有二十四年吧，最多还有十年的时间找到知心爱人，如果真得找不到，就算了，就说老天爷对我不公平吧，反正对我不利的事天天都有，都习惯了。
受了这么多，说了这么多，我也不知道自己因该怎么说，怎么想了。只愿未来会更好。
Summer Break-ups and Other Diversions
Summer---a season of heat, a season of recovery.
It is also a season of break-ups.
Having lived in Singapore for so long, I never really understood the concept of the summer break-up, a phenomenon where relationships inexplicably get terminated once the months reach the time period of between mid-May and mid-August. The most obvious reason is the relatively different schooling schedules that I underwent in the foundation education levels (and that I never really was involved in any form of human relationship that way), since the longest break that anyone has in Singapore in school standards less than college are at the end of the year, from mid-November to December.
So what causes summer break-ups? After some slight thought and reasoning, I think that there are a couple of major points behind the occurrence. The first of which is the concept of ``distance''---the lovers in question are physically more apart than they were originally so, like for instance in the case of college/university romances, where the students in the educational institution can come from all over the world (or in the case of the United States, all over the country). The second idea is that of the wearing off of the novelty factor. These two ideas are somewhat related, in the sense that the increase in distance causes a return to something that is more mundane than the exciting life of studying in the close proximity of folks who are of similar interests and age group. And under such mundane settings which are sometimes far from the people who are involved in the same relationship, the rush of being loved and/or loving starts to destabilise and then apathy starts kicking in, and in the more extreme case, the entire relationship ends up not working good enough and a break-up is an expected outcome.
------
Looks like I'm kinda doomed in human romantic relationships. Let's look at this analysis from three directions, namely time/location, intracultural dating, and extracultural dating.
From the perspective of time and location, I am boned. Here's why: I will be spending slightly more than ten years doing various forms of research, with time split between being in Singapore and being in a foreign country. That makes any form of romantic relationship hard to hold on to, especially since I do not have any of those ready-to-go-the-distance relationships at hand to reach that kind of level, i.e. that special someone who is willing to go the distance has not appeared in my life yet. Statistically speaking, it is extremely hard to find someone with that kind of level of commitment (a prerequisite since travel becomes a necessity in the decade described) in the current [short] amount of time of one year. There are just so many incalculable factors that cannot be understood and planned around, and not many people are risk-takers willing to put themselves out on the line just to see where they go (an action that I frequently use in my life).
From the perspective of intracultural dating, I am still boned. Here's why: many Singaporean girls do not appeal to me, for a variety of reasons that include the general materialistic perspective, and their relative selfishness in the way in which they conduct their relationships---everything is always about her and her alone. More importantly, I am not sufficiently appealing to many Singaporean females as a lover since I do not pander to their whims and fancies, am not handsome nor tall, talks about things that most people are generally uninterested in, and am not rich to boot. With such serious incompatibilities between me and the females that are immediately accessible within my society, I find that the likelihood that I can find anyone who is attracted to me (and of course, me attracted to them) is low. Complicating matters by considering the need for the long-term commitment as highlighted in the earlier point on time/location, the probability of finding someone who can match all these criteria decreases significantly.
From the perspective of extracultural dating, I am still boned. Here's why: there are many hidden cultural norms and mores that are not easy to be aware of as a foreigner---these unwritten social rules can only be enculturated after a few years of stay in the host country. In some ways I was a fool to have believed that I understood what was going on, as evidenced in my last two relationships. Thinking that I understand someone because she shares a similar hacker ethos was a point of folly on my part, making me oblivious to many things that were falling in front of me. Thinking that having a similar ethnicity with her would mean that I had a better understanding of her psyche was also a fatal mistake. Even trying to mitigate with guarantees of honesty did not help at all---honesty can only get you as far as knowing what a person is consciously thinking of, it cannot tell you the unconscious tendencies that have been ingrained through years of enculturation.
A fool in romance, a fool to the end.
So what do these all mean? Given these cursory analyses, what course of action ought one to do? The answer can be found in this.
That is, of course, what a rational mind would lead me to think for my circumstance.
But let's face it. Even though the answer is frustratingly obvious, I will probably be unable to tear myself away from it. The reason is that I am made up of more than just rationality---there's this entire side within me that that is not governed by my rationality, but by my intuition. Over the last few years, it is the growth of my intuitive side that made me aware of the fact that I had emotional reactions towards people, specifically towards folks of the opposite sex. It is a wonderful feeling, while it lasts. But when things do not turn out well, as they often do, the aftermath is rather hard to deal with. But herein lies the problem: rational thought stipulates that involvement in romantic relationships [within the next 10 years] is most certain to bring about sadness, yet intuitively, the mind and body yearns for that warm caress of another person who loves at a different level.
So, what ought I to do now?
Heheheh... if I could answer that, I think I would be on my way towards being a real life guru. I guess the more important thing is to take things one step at a time, and bury myself under as many activities as I can possibly want to do.
It is also a season of break-ups.
Having lived in Singapore for so long, I never really understood the concept of the summer break-up, a phenomenon where relationships inexplicably get terminated once the months reach the time period of between mid-May and mid-August. The most obvious reason is the relatively different schooling schedules that I underwent in the foundation education levels (and that I never really was involved in any form of human relationship that way), since the longest break that anyone has in Singapore in school standards less than college are at the end of the year, from mid-November to December.
So what causes summer break-ups? After some slight thought and reasoning, I think that there are a couple of major points behind the occurrence. The first of which is the concept of ``distance''---the lovers in question are physically more apart than they were originally so, like for instance in the case of college/university romances, where the students in the educational institution can come from all over the world (or in the case of the United States, all over the country). The second idea is that of the wearing off of the novelty factor. These two ideas are somewhat related, in the sense that the increase in distance causes a return to something that is more mundane than the exciting life of studying in the close proximity of folks who are of similar interests and age group. And under such mundane settings which are sometimes far from the people who are involved in the same relationship, the rush of being loved and/or loving starts to destabilise and then apathy starts kicking in, and in the more extreme case, the entire relationship ends up not working good enough and a break-up is an expected outcome.
------
Looks like I'm kinda doomed in human romantic relationships. Let's look at this analysis from three directions, namely time/location, intracultural dating, and extracultural dating.
From the perspective of time and location, I am boned. Here's why: I will be spending slightly more than ten years doing various forms of research, with time split between being in Singapore and being in a foreign country. That makes any form of romantic relationship hard to hold on to, especially since I do not have any of those ready-to-go-the-distance relationships at hand to reach that kind of level, i.e. that special someone who is willing to go the distance has not appeared in my life yet. Statistically speaking, it is extremely hard to find someone with that kind of level of commitment (a prerequisite since travel becomes a necessity in the decade described) in the current [short] amount of time of one year. There are just so many incalculable factors that cannot be understood and planned around, and not many people are risk-takers willing to put themselves out on the line just to see where they go (an action that I frequently use in my life).
From the perspective of intracultural dating, I am still boned. Here's why: many Singaporean girls do not appeal to me, for a variety of reasons that include the general materialistic perspective, and their relative selfishness in the way in which they conduct their relationships---everything is always about her and her alone. More importantly, I am not sufficiently appealing to many Singaporean females as a lover since I do not pander to their whims and fancies, am not handsome nor tall, talks about things that most people are generally uninterested in, and am not rich to boot. With such serious incompatibilities between me and the females that are immediately accessible within my society, I find that the likelihood that I can find anyone who is attracted to me (and of course, me attracted to them) is low. Complicating matters by considering the need for the long-term commitment as highlighted in the earlier point on time/location, the probability of finding someone who can match all these criteria decreases significantly.
From the perspective of extracultural dating, I am still boned. Here's why: there are many hidden cultural norms and mores that are not easy to be aware of as a foreigner---these unwritten social rules can only be enculturated after a few years of stay in the host country. In some ways I was a fool to have believed that I understood what was going on, as evidenced in my last two relationships. Thinking that I understand someone because she shares a similar hacker ethos was a point of folly on my part, making me oblivious to many things that were falling in front of me. Thinking that having a similar ethnicity with her would mean that I had a better understanding of her psyche was also a fatal mistake. Even trying to mitigate with guarantees of honesty did not help at all---honesty can only get you as far as knowing what a person is consciously thinking of, it cannot tell you the unconscious tendencies that have been ingrained through years of enculturation.
A fool in romance, a fool to the end.
So what do these all mean? Given these cursory analyses, what course of action ought one to do? The answer can be found in this.
That is, of course, what a rational mind would lead me to think for my circumstance.
But let's face it. Even though the answer is frustratingly obvious, I will probably be unable to tear myself away from it. The reason is that I am made up of more than just rationality---there's this entire side within me that that is not governed by my rationality, but by my intuition. Over the last few years, it is the growth of my intuitive side that made me aware of the fact that I had emotional reactions towards people, specifically towards folks of the opposite sex. It is a wonderful feeling, while it lasts. But when things do not turn out well, as they often do, the aftermath is rather hard to deal with. But herein lies the problem: rational thought stipulates that involvement in romantic relationships [within the next 10 years] is most certain to bring about sadness, yet intuitively, the mind and body yearns for that warm caress of another person who loves at a different level.
So, what ought I to do now?
Heheheh... if I could answer that, I think I would be on my way towards being a real life guru. I guess the more important thing is to take things one step at a time, and bury myself under as many activities as I can possibly want to do.
Saturday, July 04, 2009
Some Clarification
Now that I'm nicely lubed up with alcohol in my blood stream and am bordering between being awake and tipsy (the best position to be in for the circumstance at hand), I am somewhat ready to talk.
If you haven't realised by now, Ida broke up with me no more than 48 hours ago.
It is not the best of feelings to get---when things seem like they were going okay, the release of a bombshell that literally hits me straight in the chest, casting me far beyond where I would be happy to be.
The sad thing is that I can't find a compelling enough reason to literally put her out of my mind. She never did anything to harm me, except for this break-up. Absolutely nothing. And I was happy whenever I was with her.
Am I bitter? Maybe. I like being a little fair in stating my point of view---I am bitter in the sense that it didn't work out. But I harbour no ill feelings towards her.
I just hope that she is happier with her decision made.
If you haven't realised by now, Ida broke up with me no more than 48 hours ago.
It is not the best of feelings to get---when things seem like they were going okay, the release of a bombshell that literally hits me straight in the chest, casting me far beyond where I would be happy to be.
The sad thing is that I can't find a compelling enough reason to literally put her out of my mind. She never did anything to harm me, except for this break-up. Absolutely nothing. And I was happy whenever I was with her.
Am I bitter? Maybe. I like being a little fair in stating my point of view---I am bitter in the sense that it didn't work out. But I harbour no ill feelings towards her.
I just hope that she is happier with her decision made.
Thursday, July 02, 2009
I Lost Ida
A year and a bit more, the dream has ended. I lost Ida.
I don't know what else to say. The parting was not made in malice---perhaps that's why it saddens me more than the last time. The last time something like this happened, it was a rather mixed bag of feelings, with anger and sadness all into one.
But this one, this time... it is pure sadness.
I love her---she's an awesome girl, geeky, witty, cute---everything that one might want in a girl. But I guess awesome... I'm really sorry.
I don't know how to write this entry.
All I want to say is... I thought we could have gone far, but we probably really never had a chance---the timing was all off.
Maybe next time, or another life?
I don't know...
I'm in no state to write... I should probably stop.
I don't know what else to say. The parting was not made in malice---perhaps that's why it saddens me more than the last time. The last time something like this happened, it was a rather mixed bag of feelings, with anger and sadness all into one.
But this one, this time... it is pure sadness.
I love her---she's an awesome girl, geeky, witty, cute---everything that one might want in a girl. But I guess awesome... I'm really sorry.
I don't know how to write this entry.
All I want to say is... I thought we could have gone far, but we probably really never had a chance---the timing was all off.
Maybe next time, or another life?
I don't know...
I'm in no state to write... I should probably stop.
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