New Icon, New Terror

Oh how life goes! One moment one is happy, the next, angry and annoyed, and then suddenly all depressed. This is such a confusing thing... and to make matters worst, enough of the close friends of mine have all seem to have big problems of their own, and they are all starting to drift away trying to deal with them.

So if you've looked closely at the profile pictures, you would find that my emblem now has a dark triangle in the upper left corner, a concept that I call ``half-shrouded in darkness''. What's the significance, you might ask. Well, it is the embodiment of the current state of affairs, where I am teetering between the light and the dark, the orthodox and the unorthodox, the---you get the idea. What was essentially a ``pure'' symbol now finds the darkness corrupting itself from the top-left, symbolic because the left is where the logical side of the mind rests. That's right, the logic itself is getting corrupted by the darkness, and the only thing that is resisting it is the hacker side in the lower right corner, as shown by the glider, which is the universal hacker symbol.

So, bordering between darkness and light, a confused throng of uncomfortable feelings and thoughts, all amalgamated into what is the current me. Perhaps this life of mine is on the verge of ending, but somehow I think not---the trials and tribulations are just what makes life interestingly hard and provide just enough kick to see one's true mettle, I suppose.

*sigh*

Am I just blathering here to make myself feel better?

Minor Chit-chat

Life's weird huh. When you think that things are going to be alright, something funky gets thrown in your path.

But in my case, it's not that big of an issue---I am moving on in life already. What has happened in the past remains the in the past, locked behind the barriers of time. A memory is all I take, and a memory is all I need I suppose.

Juvpu rkcynvaf jul V qvqa'g dhvgr haqrefgnaq jul Vqn gubhtug gung V jnf tbvat gb gel gb ``jva'' ure onpx va gur shgher, nf abgrq ol ure engure pelcgvp nffregvba bire VZ gung jr jrer abg tbvat gb trg onpx gbtrgure ab znggre gur pvephzfgnapr.

V qhaab ubj orfg gb vagrecerg guvf. Rvgure V pna frr vg nf ure gelvat gb or sevraqyl naq erzvaqvat zr gb zbir ba jvgu yvsr naq abg guvax bs jnlf gb trg onpx jvgu ure, be V pna frr vg nf n cebibpngvir fgngrzrag zrnag gb fvax zl yvsr wnpxrg. Xabjvat ure, V nz zber vapyvarq gb fgvpx jvgu gur sbezre vagrecergngvba---fur'f nf oyhag nf V nz jura vg pbzrf gb pbzzhavpngvat vqrnf/rzbgvbaf, fb V nz abg ng nyy fhecevfrq vs ure vagragvbaf jrer ernyyl ba gur tbbq fvqr nf bccbfrq gb gur znyribyrag bar. Nf hfhny, V ree ba gur fvqr bs pnhgvba naq jnag gb pynevsl gur pynevsvpngvba (juvpu jnf pelcgvp ururu) gb znxr fher gung V nz trggvat gur evtug zrnavat.

Anyway, life moves on. There are higher goals that I need to look into, and the whole relationship thing is taking a back seat for now. If life were dominated only by the search for the Significant Other, I think there's little that one can achieve at the end of it all.

Till next time.

It Could Have Been Me...

First, this.

Now, realise that that could've been me. And the scariest part is, I'm not joking about that.

I remember the many times that I walk on the same stairs, and looked down the particular stairwell. That stairwell was deep and large---it's called ``architect's leap'' for a reason. Each time I walked by that stairwell, there was always this strange fascination about what it would feel like to leap off it, as suggested by the ``Burma Shave'' ditty written on each platform.

I remember why I didn't bother jumping (or killing myself or anything like that). Killing oneself on one's own terms needed guts, that's for sure. But more guts are needed to live on through whatever life throws at you, and that was ultimately why I am still alive now and writing here.

That said, may you find peace, my fellow CS brother.

Amen.

Do You Wanna Date My Avatar

Mmm... I should have found out about this a long time ago:

First a Researcher, then a Hacker

I must learn that I am first a researcher and then (only then!) a hacker.

Otherwise I might need to rethink my career options...

A New Dawn Awaits

The pillars of support, they seem to fall one by one, and I suddenly find myself standing out in the cold almost alone with no one else to comfort me. It is a strange feeling, since on the one hand there is a weird sense of serenity, yet on the other hand there is this sense of foreboding that lurks just beyond the precipice of darkness.

Life can be very cruel in all its ways, yet one thing seems certain---I end up being a survivor. No matter how bad the world treats me, no matter how hard the uphill struggle, I still hold my ground and stand on my own two feet and charge on forwards, not looking back.

The choice to move forwards is often a hard one---there are many obstacles that just seem to get in the way. But at the end of the day, no matter how bad the world treats me, or at least, no matter how bad I think the world is treating me, I will find a way.

I am a human; I am not a human. This duality works to my advantage should I choose it well. Literally let bygones be bygones, and not think about the past that has made me so forlorn for so very long. The path ahead is full of thickets of bushes, but if I do not clear the way and move onwards, who will?

The battle has ended, yet the war has just begun. Blood will be shed, reckoning will be done. And through it all, I will stand tall and face whatever Fate dares throw into my path. Arrogant? Perhaps, but sometimes a little arrogance is necessary to provide the momentum to just hurtle forwards through time and to deal with whatever that comes my way.

Life sucks, heck, life sucks big time. Yet there is always hope to believe in, and people to trust. Never mind that half the people that one trusted before can turn around and backstab---never mind that the other half are probably helping under the pretext that it will provide them with some side benefit. The forward movement is all that matters, all that matters!

Learning to live, learning to cope, learning to say goodbye and never to look back---why have I gone weak in this regard? Where has my youthful exuberance gone? Where has that youthful bravado and never-say-die attitude gone? Have I gone soft and meek as the years advance?

Onward! Onward I say. Never mind what others think---they think whatever they want and there's nothing that I can do about it. Never mind what others do, for it is only my own actions that I am responsible for. Have faith in myself, know that I will find my niche in time to come. Time may be short, but time is still around---I still have that short amount of time around, so I better make good use of it. There has been enough false starts, but the time for the dream to end is now.

A new dawn awaits.

Mutterings

I've never felt more socially isolated than now. This is rather worrying.

V pnaabg rkcynva jul V srry guvf jnl. Znlor orpnhfr bar bs gur gevttref bppheerq erpragyl, nf va, gur zrrgvat jvgu gur erfg bs gur fpubynef ng bar bs gubfr betnavfrq riragf. Fbzrubj V frrz gb or hanoyr gb fueht bss gung hapnaal srryvat gung V nz fbzrubj vasrevbe va fbzr jnl, qrfcvgr zr orvat n fpubyne yvxr gur erfg bs gurz.

Ab pyhr.

Yvsr frrzf n yvggyr zber pbzcyvpngrq guna hfhny, naq V unir yvggyr vqrnf ba ubj zhpu bs vg vf qhr gb zr orvat nyy bireyl frafvgvir naq ubj zhpu bs vg vf qhr gb npghny ernyvgl. Fb znal pbzcyvpngrq rzbgvbaf, fb znal fgenatr rapbhagref, fb zhpu lrneavat gung V pnaabg frrz gb chg njnl.

Naq V fhqqrayl srry yvxr xrrcvat n png sbe n crg. Gung gubhtug fhecevfrq zr, gb chg vg va n zvyq jnl. V'ir arire ernyyl fnj zlfrys nf n crg-xrrcvat crefba, lrg jura guvf gubhtug fhqqrayl svygrerq guebhtu zl zvaq, V jnf nf fubpxrq nf pna or. Ohg bs pbhefr, V jba'g or xrrcvat n png abj---cbbe yvggyr pevggre jvyy abg unir gur cynpr gb jnyx nebhaq naq rkcyber, tvira gung zl pheerag qjryyvat vf snveyl shyy bs fghss sebz gur gjragl bqq lrnef gung jr'ir orra yvivat va.

Nsgre n irel fubeg juvyr, lrg nabgure gubhtug fgevxrf zr. Nz V punaaryyvat gubhtugf sebz zl rk-tveysevraq? Vs gung jrer gehr, gura creuncf gung jbhyq or fhssvpvrag rkcynangvba nf gb jul V jnf srryvat guvf jrveq ng guvf gvzr. Vg pbhyq or na nznytnzngvba bs frireny riragf---gur zrrgvat jvgu gur bgure fpubynef, gur qrnqyvarf sbe gur inevbhf cebwrpgf, gur veengvbany srne bs nccylvat gb tenq fpubby, gur frafr bs ``jung-vs'' gung creinqrf qhr gb gur ortvaavat bs gur snyy frzrfgre, gur trareny ynpx bs pbzcnal urer nf pbzcnerq gb orvat onpx va gur 'ohetu, yvggyr guvatf yvxr gung gung nqq hc gb n pbafvqrenoyr cvyr bs zrff.

Jryy, nyy fnvq naq qbar, ng yrnfg V guvax gung znlor V unir vqragvsvrq n srj bs gur ceboyrz nernf gung V nz snpvat. Gvzr gb qrny jvgu gurz bar fgrc ng n gvzr.

If I do not live this life and seize it to call my own, no one will.

Careless Whisper

Check out this version, it is more different, and more awesome!

prettyprint.js Does a Good Job

Pick some historical content on this blog. Observe that anything that had " used has become smart quotes.

I've upgraded the pretty print script to do some automagic conversion from simple double quotes to the prettier ``smart'' ones. The caveat will be that unbalanced double quotes will cause the regex converter to go wonky---I don't see this as a big problem though. At the very least, if we had only a single double quote character starting a line, and have the next line starting with yet another single double quote, as long as there are intervening tags in between, prettyprint.js will actually do the right job.

The things that I do to obtain better viewing for the stuff I write...

...till next time.

Brother Louie

First look at this. Now look at this:And the lyrics are below:

Deep love is a burnin' fire stay
'cause then the flame grows higher babe
Don't let him steal your heart
It's easy easy
Girl this game can't last forever why
We cannot live together try
Don't let him take your love from me

You're no good can't you see
Brother Louie Louie Louie
I'm in love set her free
Oh she's only lookin' to me
Only love breaks her heart
Brother Louie Louie Louie
Only love's paradise
Oh she's only lookin' to me

Brother Louie Louie Louie
Oh she's only lookin' to me
Oh let it Louie
She's under cover
Brother Louie Louie Louie
Oh doin' what he's doin'
So leave it Louie
'cause I'm her lover

Stay 'cause this boy wants to gamble stay
Love's more than he can handle girl
Oh come on stay by me
Forever ever
Why does he go on pretendin' that
His love is never ending babe
Don't let him steal your love from me

Lyrics courtesy www.lyrics007.com.

The question is: why these two songs have almost similar tunes?!

Reminiscince

These days, I think I'm probably scaring a lot of people. Many times, people ask me if I am sad, and I ask them in return ``do I look sad to you?'' and then many times they reply ``well I don't really know, you look kinda okay'' before I follow up with ``well, I'm always sad, it is just a matter of degree''.

So I'm not actually lying about that---I am always sad; and it is just a matter of degree. Many people like to think that if someone is smiling a lot and is very jovial, then the person is probably not sad at all. That, as many have grown to realise eventually, is a sham. In fact, those who look the most jovial, laugh the most readily and appear to be the most happy need to have more scrutiny---often times they might be hiding some deep sadness that they are unwilling to talk to anyone about.

The trick into seeing these people is through the eyes---the eyes show it all, whether you are happy or sad. Ever heard of the phrase ``smiling with your eyes''? Well that is exactly what I am referring to.

So, sure, I might joke a lot, be awkward, laugh readily, be snappy with people and generally exude a certain sense of well-being. But if you actually took the time to look deep enough into my eyes, you will find that there is a very deep pain and sadness within. What this pain and sadness is is clearly not something that I want to talk about---suffice to say, it is related to life and life in general. Heh... maybe this is related to why I don't fear very many things, including death.

So, me. Was I ever happy? Well... yes, here and there, but overall, I think that sadness dominates my personality. I will smile a lot, I can be as crazy as the next guy, but if you lock me in a room and gave me strong liquor to knock me out, all you'll find is just a very sad looking drunk [who writes essays].

The next logical question will be, what makes me happy? I think that the answer to this is rather straightforward (and it might sound a little desperate, but whatever)---I am happy when I am doing things for the one I love. Sappy? Yeah, probably, but I don't really care all that much. I've been pretty much a walking husk since I turned 20, yet in between those years I have learnt what being human is all about, and have been nourished by all the possible human emotions that one can experience, from euphoria to caution to being concerned and to being contented---I have met with all of them at some time or another.

Heh... I'm still quite human after all.

But I guess all that I can do now is to wait it out and do things that are actually productive---this has something to do with how the entire schedule for the upcoming 6 years are going to be rather hellish.

Okay, enough of weightier issues... till next time.

Semi-Serious Rambling

It has been a rather long day, fraught with many last minute changes in schedules. But all that is said and done, I find myself sitting around quietly once more, sinking deeper into the consciousness that is me.

This is a rather strange feeling---to be able to just sink deep and feel the sensuality of feeling simultaneously from all the active senses that I have. From the visual (looking at the screen), to the aural (the soft click-clack of the scissor-keys), to the tactile (the soft breeze from the ventilator), and to the olfactory (the sweet smell of summer sweat lingering), I can feel them all with ease---it is almost as though I am aware of all these extensions that make up my body.

One of the things that I have grown to realise and appreciate is that I seem to know my body much better than before. For instance, I can now decide without trying what my body is capable/incapable of doing. I am also learning to have a better feel on where my head is positioned, so that I can easily dodge my head without causing too big of a movement, which can harm the already fragile neck.

But sensualities aside, the one thing that I seem to have cultivated over the years is the strange air of detachment. It is an oxymoron no doubt---how can I be both immersed within myself and be detached at the same time? But like many things in life, this one has a straightforward answer---I just let the signals from the senses flow through my being without attempting to make sense of them. This is a rather interesting concept though, since for most people, when they sense something, it is more often than not that they try to assign some meaning to the feeling, and even to ``process'' the signal as quickly as they can so that they can always be immersive in the world.

That's where I start to differ from the normal person.

You see, I've never really felt at one with the world in the sense that I feel belonged. It didn't begin this way of course and is a phenomenon that is of a more recent vintage if I dare say. Life, with all its ups and downs, have made me walk around this Earth as an avatar, walking close to other people, but never walking with them. Now that Ida has officially broken up with me (and for a good enough time too I might add), I think that it is safe enough for me to reveal the revelation that I had.

I have known almost 4 months earlier today that we were heading for a break-up. I just chose to not believe it.

How I know about this is beyond my reasoning---call it a gut reaction. Somehow I could sense the drift earlier on---the preternatural ease in which I can sense bad events is a trait that I have mostly kept tucked away until now.

Perhaps I am truly an avatar, a kind of supernatural being walking within the mortal realm, with a natural draw for both the miraculous and the condemned, and that somehow establishes some kind of cosmic balance that is beyond the level of human comprehension. Of course, it is also equally likely that I'm just a nut job and all that is said and done are just a bunch of coincidences.

Yet again I digress... it was a good thing that we broke up the time we did. At the very least, I managed to purge all the negative emotions out of myself within the early stages of my work (and also preparation for the next phase of my career/life), and to perhaps seal away the broken heart inside somewhere safe so that it can heal over more completely and be ready to accept the true love that might come its way again. But that is the future, and clairvoyance I have not.

So who am I actually? I cannot give a straightforward answer. I am who I am, I am not who I appear to be, and I am not who I think I might be. How does the future hold for me? Again, I appeal to the lack of clairvoyance, but the future is not bleak---there is much work to be done and much good to perform; it is in some senses a blessing to move onward without emotional baggages weighing one down.

That all said and done, the reason why I was feeling really down in the period succeeding the break-up is that the feeling felt then was not of a girlfriend breaking up with a boyfriend---it felt more like a wife of many years divorcing the husband, despite him being faithful and caring for her. That is the depth of my love for Ida, that is how much she affects me, both good and not-so-good. How about now, one might ask; how do I feel now and why do I seem a little calmer? I have not forgotten about Ida---far from it, I remember her even more. But the things I remember have the meanings changed over time to lessen the blows and the amount of effect they have on my affect. Indeed, one of the remedies of a break-up that is available in lore is to cast everything that reminds one of the other away so as to start afresh---I choose to learn to face things that remind me of her head-on so that I will actually end up dealing with the blow dealt instead of just denying myself the proper grieving.

Again, I digress.

Future huh... I've given my predictions. On the subject of my love life, I am not going to think too much about it---once one hits 25 years old (which I will be in nearly 5 more months) and is still unattached, chances are there will be little hope left about the love life anyway, so I might as well concentrate on doing things that I can still do. More pertinently, given the volatility of the macro-state-of-affairs, it is unlikely that any relationship begun here will lead to fruition; a similar argument can be made about when I'm not in Singapore.

So at the end of the day, I suppose that it is into the hands of Fate that will see if I end up settling down in this life or not.

Really Random Musings of a Drunken Geek

So not too long ago, there was a drinking session, and for the first time in my life, I got pretty damn drunk. Strangely, instead of acting like a ``normal'' drunk (being violent, passing out completely, being lecherous etc), I ended up ``looking really sad'' and taking out my pen and notepad and write a lot. The last I remembered, I was puking from downing the Graveyard, and needed help home.

So the ten-dollar question is: what the heck did I write while drunk?

Here's a transcription of what I could make out from the [foul smelling] manuscripts. The transcriptions will be by the ``page number'', and each line here corresponds to a physical line of text. Editor remarks are [as usual] stored in square brackets. Here we go:

Page 1

        It has been a while since I
was so drunk. In some ways it is a
a good response---at the very least, it
allows me to write things that I would not
otherwise.
        The music is playing loud, a
not altogether bad experience. Somet[imes]
I think that being drunk has it[s]
purpose---it allows the innermost
feelings show with little inhibitions.
        It is kind of sad in some way [that]
I cannot be drunk like a normal person
when I am severely trying[?], I end up
very [ed: garbled] and in some ways
[ed: garbled]. There are many things to do
yet I realise that the amount of control
over myself is fast diminishing. I[n]
some ways, this is rather sad since
even I'm seemingly drunk, I can
write some stuff.
        Life sucks[?] ass[?] in some ways.[?] There[?]
are so many things that the[?] self[?] have[?]
little control over. It is rather sad
actually to be writing While one is
[some]what drunk is probably one of the sad[dest]
things to do, considering everything.[?]
At[?] the[?] very least I am in control[?]
over my faculties left of[?] what[?] is[?] probably[?]
timed[?] as almost 15 to 20 minutes of
writing[?] nicely[?]. The day is long and[?]
the future is bleak[?] is[?] luscal[?], it is

Page 2

to determine if what I'm writing
is remotely coherent or even readable.
The downing of the graveyard in one
shot seems to be the big mistake, [ed: ink blotch]
I find myself unable to control my
impulses as readily as I want to.
        This is not a good evening.
Eventually, I will [ed: garbled]
to the alcohol what that [ed: garbled] is not
[ed: garbled]. I will faglth[?] to, and with,
eventually.
        It is all about being able to
purge the alcohol then the body it will
take a while, but I will be fine.
        I must be fine---I'm controlling
all the input and output. I will be fine.
Taking the alcohol[?] will be fine.
        I can take it. It is just a while.
I will be fine. Do not touch me.
Writing. Writing is all that is left
of this consciousness. Apparently I
can[?] still[?] think somewhat. Things are
[ed: garbled] writing[?] writing[?]. It seems
that my pants may have
got hit by one of the
throw up. This is sad
is sad in some way
is quite sad but true[?]. It
them[?]. I am fine I think[?]. This is just
a way towards the end
of[?] all[?] the sadness[?] and at[?] this[?]
particular[?] instance[?] the[?] end[?].

Page 3

        If the outcome is all about what
one makes of the future[?], the people
seem rather unrelenting in that [ed: missing]
writing but at times, stays the [ed: missing]
[ed: garbled] I want to talk. This
is true---there's just so
many things that I want[?] to
think about. The crowd [ed: garbled]
it is in some sense true[?] about[?]
things---many[?] of the meets[?]
eye[?] and[?] the discomfort of[?] becoming[?]
a few of sad[?] ending[?] but [ed: garbled]
in reality, it is a new beginning [ed: garbled]
a beginning where I will quickly
forget about what it is[?] I
truly[?] want to be able to know[?]
what I hear---it is [ed: garbled] is more
sense to be able to completely work[?]
is something that I have[?] thought[?]
I would be able[?] to do.
        Moreover---at the end of the day
even after downing the graveyard
of [ed: garbled] remembered the end is almost[?] in
sight[?]---the content of the alcohol[?]
is naturally stronger[?] that I have
little[?] ideas for[?] how much
alcohol that is in the graveyard. At
the very least I think that I am
rather sober[?] at the moment---that[?] was[?]
of more of the alcohol to [ed: garbled]
I can say something that is a little more

Page 4

coherent this point is true,
all that I want to do is just to
go sleep---the graveyard is a rather
strong drink no matter how you look
at it. Eventually, I will have to wake
up from this dream and get away so
that I can get the things I
want.
        It is noisy in here---it is
quite intolerable. I should have just
gone home a long time ago.

So you might ask, why no pictures of the manuscript? And I will answer, because it is rather useless to put them up---they are unreadable, that's why the transcripts exist.

Alright, enough for now. Now I know that I make a really boring drunk.

Geez...

End of Conference Week

Sometimes I look back and reflect upon my actions both big and small---this occurs regularly, particularly when I have little on my mind. In the past, I would be rather hard upon myself and end up thinking that I have screwed up big time ever since the past, and that often leaves me in a rather depressed state.

Time passed and with each new experience I gain from the many facets of life, I slowly learn to ease a little on myself. I mean, sure, there are some things that I could have done differently, but then again there're so many insights that can be gleaned with the benefit of hindsight. Being hard on oneself is sometimes useful, since it forces the self to actually actively seek improvement to prevent reoccurrences of mistakes, but like many things in life, being overly hard on the self is actually detrimental, since one becomes obsessed with the what-ifs and end up forgetting about living in the present and planning for the future.

Part of my character flaw is that I do tend to brood a lot. Ever since Ida left me, I have started to brood less over time, starting from the completely heartbroken phase initially to something that is still sad, but not so sad that I am completely unable to function at all. Perhaps the most apt adjective here is ``resigned''---I am resigned with the outcome that there is little that I can do right now to recover what was lost, and that I have realised in some ways that I need to find a new meaning in life just to move on.

Today was kind of fun. It is the last day of the EMNLP 2009, which occurred after the ACL-IJCNLP 2009, which are conferences for the natural language processing and computing linguistics community. For the whole week, I was basically running around from talk to talk, listening to what that foremost researchers have found out and have shared with the world. By Wednesday though, I was feeling rather drained, and so it felt really great that today was the last day of the conferences. I learnt much, for sure, and basically round up the day with a meeting of the old classmates.

Like most class outings, it was mildly awkward in the beginning, since the cliques basically sealed the earlier interactions among folks. It was great to see them though---it has been a while since I have met many of my old classmates. But of course, those who basically liked treating me invisible continued to keep me invisible, which is fine with me even though I might think that the action was rather petty. It is rather hard to believe that the folks I saw tonight were part of the same class back in 2002---everyone seemed to be much older, yet there were still traces of the old character trait that lies just below the surface of the skin. But I digress...

Perhaps I can write more again some other time.

I Do Not Fear Once More

No matter what they say, I think that at the end of it all, it is really hard to truly get over someone whom you have spent a good portion of your life, energy and focus on---as humans, we are conditioned to behave in this way. I suppose that is how we end up in families and societies in the first place.

So many things have happened so far---as each moment passes, I find that I just live through it in a rather soulless way. I honestly do not know how to feel anymore, and have probably gotten to the point where I am just resigned to my fate, perhaps?

Interesting though, how I am reacting now. I basically started this post feeling extremely depressed, yet as I write more and more, I find that there is a certain uplifting feeling that is overcoming that depression. This feeling---it is strong, it is positive.

I do not fear once more.

I'll probably talk more later.