I Will Survive

What a Painful Awakening... You Used to be My Everything...

This song is fairly meaningful too, about awakening to what could have been a wrong love. Strangely related huh?

《领悟》------辛晓琪

我以为我会哭 但是我没有
我只是怔怔望着你的脚步
给你我最的祝福
这何尝不是一种领悟 让我把自己看清楚
虽然那无爱的痛苦 将日夜夜 在我灵魂最深处

我以为我会报复 但是我没有
当我看到我深爱过的男人
竟然 像孩子一样无助
这何尝不是一种领悟 让你把自己看清楚
被爱是奢侈的幸福 可惜你 从来不在乎

啊!一段感情就此结束
啊!一颗心眼看要荒芜
我们的爱若是错误 愿你我没有白白受苦
若曾真心真意付出 就应该满足

啊!多么痛的领悟 你曾是我的全部
只是我回首来时路的 每一步 都走的好孤独
啊!多么痛的领悟 你曾是我的全部
只愿你挣脱情的枷锁 爱的束缚 任意追逐
别再为爱受苦

Lyrics courtesy of www.inkui.com.

Time, Changer Of Seasons...

This is one very meaningful song---I remembered the song when I was listening to some remixes that I had on hand.

Somewhere In The World------Boney M

Time, changer of seasons, time will see another flower growing.
Climb over the mountains, there you'll find warm winds blowing.

Somewhere in the world, there is peace of mind.
Somewhere in the world, that's what I must find.
Somewhere in the world, there's a place for me in this world.

I cannot believe it, everywhere I see lonely faces.
Why have we no answers, just some more empty places?

Somewhere in the world, there is peace of mind.
Somewhere in the world, that's what I must find.
Somewhere in the world, there's a place for me in this world.

Time, changer of seasons, time will see another flower growing.
Climb over the mountains, there you'll find warm winds blowing.

Somewhere in the world, there is peace of mind.
Somewhere in the world, that's what I must find.
Somewhere in the world, there's a place for me in this world.

Somewhere in the world, there is peace of mind.
Somewhere in the world, that's what I must find.

Lyrics courtesy of www.lyricsfreak.com.

GRE is Coming Again (Urgh)

So the last few entries were rather cryptic in many senses, and here's why: I think that I am stressed out by the fact that I am taking the GRE [again] this Friday and have been looking for diversions to keep myself from worrying too much about things. That said, this song was one that I have been searching around for a long time, simply because of the clear female vocals and the rather catchy lyrics, which upon further analysis, will reveal that it has more meaning than just wanting to write a song.

So, right. Life. It goes on... once the GRE is done (and hopefully without any other news other than great news!) I will need to kick into high gear for the multitude of things that need settling, including applying to graduate school as well as preparing for the run up for NaNoWriMo. Oh, not to mention, this whole thing called work, which is really two projects masquerading as one.

So busy.

I think I might slowly be driven insane with the stuff I'm doing. They all said that life after CMU is more smooth-sailing and one will feel that the pace of life will slow down, but as far as I am concerned, that is definitely inapplicable here. So many things, so little time---at the very least I am emotionally more controlled now and can thus channel my cerebral powers towards the tasks that require dealing with, as opposed to the crap that I was basically stuck in a few months back.

I keep looking back huh. Even after so long, I still do a lot of retrospection and thinking about the past, ruminating ever so often, and sometimes even lapsing into moments of silent melancholy when I remember the good times that are no longer here. But I suppose that is the normal functioning of a person---no one will remember things that didn't affect them deeply in some way, good or bad. But as someone once told me, a break-up (and everything else for that matter) must be viewed not in a fatalistic manner but with one that provides different values to what has occurred. An example of this is to attach different values to some of the gifts that were exchanged during the relationship (or whatever)---instead of seeing it as a token of love, it is more productive to see it just as a gift from a good friend to another, and to downplay all that emotional baggage thing. But of course, doing more stuff to distract (and allow the venting of) the mind is probably another viable solution.

This place is getting more and more muggy; the humidity is so high that I am practically bathing in my own perspiration. Obviously, this is causing me grief because my rashes have started to appear all over again. Heh. I think that one of the reasons that govern why I don't feel attracted to people here could be that the whole skin rash/allergic reaction just makes me feel inferior, like as though there is some genetic impairment that stands out like a sore thumb. Put it in a Freudian way, I don't feel sexy enough whenever I am back in Singapore---how does one feel sexy/confident if one has rashes all over the bloody place? At least this theory accounts for the fact that I am neither a misogynist nor a misogamist.

It really does take a little effort to cut through all the protective barriers I put between myself and the outside world to know the ``real'' me inside.

That said, I made a pact with myself to stay clear from the whole relationship business for two years, with the intention of using those two years to concentrate on recovering from my self-diagnosed image problems and depression. Not that I am going to shed that geeky exterior, but perhaps it is time to think beyond the geek and wonder about the whole ``reintegration into society'' aspect of things.

Life seems to be made up of skirmishes that lead to high-stake battles which end up in a full-scale total war, only to end up with a bang (or a whimper) at the end of it all, where one leaves as how one was born---naked and alone.

等着黑夜轻轻轻轻落下...

I've been searching this one for a very long time, and I have finally found it. Xinyao (新谣) is a really nice genre of easy-listening music.

《让夜轻轻落下》——潘盈

等着黑夜轻轻轻轻落下
将你我来覆盖 等着黎明的安排
过去已经过去 未来未必存在
让我们继续相信现在

对你从来不改变 千种柔情说着一种语言
昙花的笑靥 星光的乍现
是我羞涩散乱的思念

你也从来不改变 一种沉默说着千种亏欠
紧紧拥抱我 轻轻放开我
像放开无处安放的依眷

曾经我将无助的爱情
静静枕在你的臂弯里
以为它将为我阻挡风雨
共我面对寂寞的潮汐

可是在你宽阔温暖的胸怀里
总是听到冷冷的叹息
你那不屑说谎的眼睛
始终教我自己回避

也许已经不是爱 只是一种坚持的情怀
也许依然还有爱 也许是慢慢生长的悲哀

等着黑夜轻轻轻轻落下
将你我来覆盖 等着黎明的安排
过去已经过去 未来未必存在
让我们继续相信现在

可是在你宽阔温暖的胸怀里
总是听到冷冷的叹息
你那不屑说谎的眼睛
始终教我自己回避

Lyrics courtesy www.inkui.com.

From the Bottom of My Broken Heart

And this came to mind, back when her songs still sounded nice and made some sense:

``From the Bottom of My Broken Heart''------Britney Spears

"Never look back," we said
How was I to know I'd miss you so?
Loneliness up ahead, emptiness behind
Where do I go?

And you didn't hear
All my joy through my tears
All my hopes through my fears
Did you know, still I miss you somehow

[CHORUS:]
From the bottom of my broken heart
There's just a thing or two I'd like you to know
You were my first love, you were my true love
From the first kisses to the very last rose
From the bottom of my broken heart
Even though time may find me somebody new
You were my real love, I never knew love
'Til there was you
From the bottom of my broken heart

"Baby," I said, "please stay.
Give our love a chance for one more day"
We could have worked things out
Taking time is what love's all about

But you put a dart
Through my dreams through my heart
And I'm back where I started again
Never thought it would end

[Repeat CHORUS]

You promised yourself
But to somebody else
And you made it so perfectly clear
Still I wish you were here

[Repeat CHORUS]

"Never look back," we said
How was I to know I'd miss you so?

Lyrics courtesy of www.azlyrics.com.

Satomi Hakken-Den

Satomi Hakken-Den------John O'Banion

You and I didn't see the evening fly
There was magic in the air
With times enough to spare
Now in hours I have to say goodbye
Well you know I have to go
But still it hurts me so

(*)
I don't want this night to end
Don't say goodbye
Just hold me close my darling
I don't want this night to end
Pretend awhile
And let's forget tomorrow

Feeling blue I can see it in your eyes
But I have got a job to do
Got to see things through
But I will be near even when I am out of sight
Counting seconds till the day
I'm coming home to stay
(Repeat *)


Oh my darling love me tonight
And chase the morning shadow with you heavenly light
I find my strength inside your arms
So love me tonight and keep my heart besides you when you go, oh...
(Repeat *)

Lyrics courtesy from spynets.com.

Ronin

Loneliness is the path of the ronin.

I ought to learn how to walk that path with dignity and pride.

Ouroboros

Strange how things have gone full circle. Three years ago, I was wondering if I could get into a decent US University, and ended up at Carnegie Mellon. Now, I'm done with university and am looking to get into graduate school, and again am applying to many places.

Three years ago, I was not in love, and now, I still am [not in love].

Three years ago, I felt that I had died, and now, I am still dead.

Three years ago, I started this blog, and now, I am still here, with all the memories from all three years buried within the text of this place.

Three years ago, I was not a human, and now, I still am not a human.

Strange how things have gone full circle. Three years ago, I was wondering if I could get into a decent US University, and ended up at Carnegie Mellon. Now, I'm done with university and am looking to get into graduate school, and again am applying to many places.

I'm Making a Note Here---Huge Success!

So, in spite of the embarassing defeat, and against my better judgement, I went for yet another round of drinking at the local pub/club. To my utter surprise, I actually enjoyed it this time round, partially because at all times I was sober and was able to take in the environment as it presented itself.

The crowd was not too shabby, yet not overfull, and the music was especially fine. For obvious reasons I did not imbibe anything heavy alcohol-wise---this means no Graveyard this time round. But it was all in all a good thing, since by not being drunk/wasted, I actually got to observe the surroundings more.

Well, I'm tired now. So I'll just crash out instead of writing. Till next time.

Easy Life

Recently there has been a lot of debates with regards to how the foreign talents are ``eating into'' the livelihoods of the locals to the point that many are expressing indignation and some are starting to show xenophobic behaviour. While I am not saying that the fears of the local populace are unfounded, I would like to remind people that at the end of the day, we ourselves are responsible for how well we do in life, and not the government. Thus, if we choose to establish affirmative actions like quotas or even display ``favouritism'' for the locals, it will tend to defeat the entire premise of meritocracy, the one thing that this country prides itself as being the ultimate leveller.

But of course, reality is often different. The theories that are often expounded on egalitarianism are only applicable if all things are equal---clearly all things are not equal. It is a delicate balance between the labour required and the labour supplied; there are few employers who are willing to pay more for a local worker if for less they can hire a foreign worker who is willing to put in more hours. The basis of most businesses is to make a profit, and not to actually provide jobs for people---this is a fundamental thing that many people must learn to comprehend. If we view things from this perspective, then we can see that there is a strong (and stiff!) competition between the locals and the foreigners for the job market.

People are generally pampered these days, with many relying heavily on the multitude of government-led schemes in order to better provide for themselves. I am not insinuating that this is wrong, but this does mean that the newer generation of folks need to learn the meaning of hard work, and to be willing to put in the hard work in order to literally earn one's keep. Already there are many who want the easy way out---just look at the number of ``idol hopefuls'' who throng the auditions for the various reality television programmes which promise a large measure of fame and what is mostly a simple chance towards making good money. Of course, the standard argument here is that many are there for interests sake, and are just auditioning to see if they got lucky, much like why people are still buying lottery tickets when the probability of a payout is ridiculously small. I'm not saying that attending such auditions for celebrity-type events is a bad thing, but I seriously question the intent behind many of these people.

Society is on its way to ruins, that we have known for a while, with the increasingly easy life that the urbanites have grown to adore. Money is plentiful for many people, but almost everyone wants more. All these things are hard to mitigate away, and perhaps it is from all of these affluence will disaster strike us. In many cases, wars come about because one of two extremes exist; either the country is ruinous to the point that the people are no longer happy, and their anger drives them to fight for more rights and material gains, or if the country is too affluent and enjoys so much power and prestige that it involves itself with world politics in order to further strengthen its power and influence in the world domain, with restraint being a non-existent word.

Okay, so I'm bitter about the world today, and bitter at some of the happenings in my country. I could go on, but I don't really want to, seeing as to how all this yelling on top my soapbox is not going to do anything productive by any form of measure. So perhaps another time I will talk about other stuff.