It Would Have Been a Triumphant Day

See, today would have been a triumphant day.

About a year ago today I came to the conclusion that I was sick and tired of dragging my fat ass around, and so decided to spend effort to change my lifestyle to actually lose weight. I had a copy of The Hacker's Diet by John Walker for a while, and read it. The key ideas for weight loss (and subsequent control) are:

1. Recalibrate the body's feedback system;
2. Alter the lifestyle to keep the feedback system;
3. Ensure that the feedback system is sensitive enough to detect changes, but not sensitive enough to ``over-react'';
4. Much of the variation in body mass is water, so choosing the correct feedback system is crucial.

What Walker suggested in his text is to use an exponentially weighted moving average of the mass as the main computation.

He uses pounds, I use kilograms---the principle is still the same.

My original goal was to drop below 75kg first. That's a good 10kg or so less than the starting mass of around 85kg (84.2kg at the point of first measurement, but a variation of ±1kg is not unheard of). As you can tell from the screenshot, I've hit that goal by around December. The trick for me was to do ``one meal a day'' (OMAD). There were two reasons for OMAD:

1. The realisation that the hunger pangs I felt were more psychological than physiological (i.e. I wasn't keeling over from ``low blood sugar''); and
2. It was far easier to just have OMAD having anything I wanted for that meal than to calorie count like an OCD sufferer.

OMAD meant that I had to choose which meal it was that I would be having, and I chose dinner because it was the meal most likely to be needed due to all the usual socialisation aspects (and I was still in a relationship with her then, making it much easier to have something to do together at the end of the day). To avoid killing myself accidentally through a lack of the necessary micro-nutrients due to such a severe limitation [with almost no planning], I took a multi-vitamin daily as well. Suffice to say, the strategy worked well since I'm still alive now, and have suffered little side effects from malnutrition.

I went for surgery in January to settle an emerging problem (circumcision to tackle phimosis, if you have to know), but didn't stop my regime of OMAD. Recovery time was nearly a month, but it was all right.

The Hacker's Diet did talk about a daily 15-minute exercise component based loosely off the Royal Canadian Air Force's 5BX (RCAF 5BX). I didn't start on it till April, because that was when I guesstimated that I would have lost enough mass for the exercise to be somewhat meaningful. I had worked on the RCAF 5BX plan before, but it was, as Walker put it, rather confusing. More importantly, since it wasn't done with weight loss progressing at the same time, it also meant that I was stressing my body out more than expected with all the excess weight.

After that, I started to more seriously consider my goals. I know that the Body Mass Index (BMI) isn't exactly the best of benchmarks, but I thought it adequate for my needs because it was mainly for the sedentary individual. Last I checked, I have been sedentary for a long time. The small hiccup here was that the ``standard'' numbers for BMI were less correct for the smaller build of the typical South East Asian person, and so I resorted to using the Singapore standard for BMI instead.

Those numbers (and their associated masses given my puny height of 1.67m) are indicated in the screenshot as well. The more astute would notice that there are two numbers next to the one labelled ``Latest Wt''. The smaller number is the number of kilograms to the low-moderate risk border of 23 (64.1kg), while the larger number is the number of kilograms to the mid-point of the low-moderate risk border of between 18.5 and 23 (works out to around 57.9kg).

The next milestone to me was to dip below 70kg, something that I reached at around April---I took that opportunity to finally tailor some new pants since my old ones were really too large for me to even look remotely presentable. Incidentally, that was also when the ``circuit breaker'' began, and when she broke up with me via letter. At that point, I kinda started giving up a little as the bummedness came in (dare I call it depression?), eating coated peas and almonds with anchovies as snacks. The lowest trend mass I ever reached so far was just 67.1kg (with spot masses nearer 66kg), but it could not last. Part of the OMAD strategy hinged on being sufficiently distracted to not let the hunger pangs bother me (remember it was psychological), but with all the lock down and aftermath from the break-up, there was just too little to distract me from it.

And now, today, at the twelfth month, I'm at 69.9kg, just 0.1kg shy of the last big milestone I hit.

I have new resolve to get back into OMAD to drop the mass down to the next milestone, which is dipping to lower than 65kg. I'd probably either have to alter my dress shirts, or tailor new ones---I'm more inclined to do the former if I can help it, because I remember them being more pricey than the pants. Besides, I think it would probably be easier to adjust the shirts (reduce the waist line while keeping everything else), but I will only know when I bring it down to the tailor for suggestions.

I said earlier that today would have been a triumphant day. It would have been triumphant because I was making myself healthier and more presentable for my future married life. But that isn't happening, at least not with her, and that has bummed me out.

In a way, my slow and careful triumph over excessive mass is basically meaningless for the moment. A pity.

But Jesus did mention that He would raise a new temple from the razed one in three days; the temple He spoke of was the place where the Holy Spirit resides, and in this case, it is exactly this body that I am carefully reshaping to ensure that the risk of cardio-related issues due to excessive mass is heavily reduced. So perhaps there is some meaning after all.

I don't care how selfish I sound now. On those days when I throw away those rose-tinted nostalgia-ridden glasses for whatever reason (like today), I feel like I've been played out, and it annoys me. Don't get me wrong, there were many many good memories, just as there were many many good and fun plans for the future. I forgive, I truly do, but I'm no Christ---it still pains and annoys me that it took five years to end up like this. Five years of opening up myself, of thinking about our future with great happiness and anticipation. Five bloody years, to have everything ended in five days. I'm happy for her that she finally figured out what she wanted, and I am exceedingly glad for her that after being broken, she is finally made whole once more to right her relationship with Him.

But... what about me?

I'm still broken, am I not? Who would want me now? Can I even live with myself now? Do I even want me now?

My Heavenly Father, forgive me for feeling like this. To err is human, to forgive, divine. I forgive, but I still feel broken in ways that I don't know if I will ever be put back together in a way that is still acceptable by someone. I pray to You for guidance, for wisdom, and for strength to get through my days---I know not what else to pray for other than these generic platitudes. Part of me says to pray for death so I can go away from this world and have eternal life with You, but I don't even know if that is what I want, or if that is Your Will, or is it just the deeply repressed sinful nature in me seeking the easy way out. I study Your word every day---each time I read them and try to understand what they mean, I have an inner peace. I sleep well at night, dreamless and restful. But sometimes deep within the peace, an uneasy and undefinable stirring bubbles beneath, a feeling that I do not know nor understand. My Heavenly Father, I am troubled in ways that I do not understand; may the Holy Spirit intercede on my behalf to tell you what is it that my heart and soul needs. Into thy hands I entrust myself, for it is your will, not mine.

Amen.

Trooping Along

Heh, this is starting to become a thing, ain't it? Roughly a post a week, give or take a couple of days.

It's cathartic. I cannot claim to completely enjoy it, but it is definitely something that allows me to banish thoughts away from my mind, keeping it less cluttered and thus less headache-inducing.

It also fulfils the secondary aspect of keeping those who want to keep abreast of my happenings updated, without having to undergo the rather awkwardly ``intense'' discussion process that is talking with me directly.

Anyway, August is almost gone. We are down to the last quarter of 2020 to go. At the risk of really jinxing it, I cannot see how much worse it can get.

Wait, the US elections are happening in November. Never mind, let me take back what I said about how I cannot see how much worse it can get. Because I have this feeling that the worse is yet to come.

I pray for the safety of my friends who are living in the US right now. May the Lord bless and protect them through these tough and troubling times.

The last time I wrote something here, I mentioned how Cui was telling me what it was that I was grieving---it was about a future that was lost, the plans that were trashed due to the circumstances and the actions. After ugly crying and then mulling over it for the whole week, I completely agree with her. Already new plans are forming in my head---I know that I am now a believer, but it is my nature to plan ahead. What I am learning is to reconcile my planning through the agency of my free will against the sovereign will of God. It's less about a contradiction that needs resolution and more of a deeper understanding of what it is that God wills of us.

Besides, while in the end only God's sovereign plan matters, it is still important for me to be ready for whatever comes, otherwise I would be doing myself and God a disservice---after all, He had made me with the particular nature I have for His purposes. And as the recent reading on Romans 12:3--8 shows, there is no right/wrong in terms of what nature we have, as long as we have the fear of God within us, since it is through a body of believers that a perfect community may be formed from the contributions of each of our talents.

For now though, the plan is very simple. No more zero days. It's not so much that I had been wallowing so bad that I get zero days, but more like I need to keep on moving so that I don't fall behind long enough to start the wallowing process, a bit of a Red Queen situation too, come to think of it. I know that at some fundamental level, I am somewhat bummed out by all the things that have happened in the past four months, but I just do not know how deep that level of bummed-out-ness is. And frankly, I really don't want to find out.

So I just keep trooping along, doing my best to not look back at the bad things.

Scripture reading and bible study is great and all, but in between all that, I still need to do myself a solid. I can't be off on my next adventure if I keep on getting stuck on thinking about the adventure that I could not complete well. That's the part where my own personal plans come in---no more zero days and just keep on moving.

As to where I move on to, that will be up to the Lord. I'm not even going to bother thinking about whether I will be a bachelor forever or if I will miraculously get married within the next five years---now is not the right time for that. I am just glad that I can keep the connections with the friends that I had made along the way of these thirty-five long years, and maybe make new ones as I progress through the remaining half of my life.

Nothing else to add to this entry for now, and so, I will just stop here. Perhaps I will update again in a week.

A Time to Grieve

It's always hard having to take apart what was once built together with loving care and rebuild. It is not my nature to swing a sledgehammer to break something apart just to build it back. In fact, it is more of my nature to carefully put something together only after having put in some thought into how it might look like, taking into account the extent of the perimeters while doing the build so that in the end, if there are changes needed, the final built product will still be malleable enough within the perimeters.

You know, what they call the ``engineering mindset''. We plan, we build. We do not leave things to chance if we have means to control it. For things we cannot control, we try to estimate the range of possibilities so that we have contingencies for as large a proportion of them as possible---for everything else that we cannot estimate, we combine them into a number explaining the amount of catastrophic risk.

God is the master engineer. He creates, He builds, He shapes, He moulds. But He is eternal, so His sense of what risk/contingencies entails are completely alien to us mortals with a very severely limited life span.

For things of one's life that involves decisions that may affect others, it is important to consult God and to listen to His word. It is best to consult Him early, so that the path to His will is filled with potentially less suffering for all.

It is unfortunate that the romantic relationship I had was not of God's will. I don't blame anyone---what's there to blame? We miss 100% of all the shots we don't take after all, and even though it was five years (one seventh of my life thus far), it was five years of joy, good memories, lessons learnt, and discovery---I became a better person after it all. I do not regret it for a bit, though I do feel sad. Cui told me to take the time to grieve---I asked her a little confusedly, what was it I was grieving for?

``Grieving for the future you were hoping for, the plans you had. So it's more of having to set new plans, new things to mark your life. To give you some meaning and guidance in this otherwise confusing world.''

So, so true. Thank you Cui.

But I don't want to grieve, not like this. I want to celebrate it in joy. The joy of having known this relationship, the joy of helping a fellow pilgrim to learn of what it is God has for her, the joy of my realisation that there is eternal peace in the salvation from Jesus Christ at the end of my days. With the eternal future secured, I am safe to pursue what it is God has planned out for my life, through the talents He gave me, through the people I meet, and through the places I am at.

I still love her---I always will. But I love all those whom I call friends as well. Throughout my thirty odd years in life, it is only the last ten to twelve of which I started learning on how to really deal with inter-relationships of a romantic sort. My bad skin of the past haunted me, making it nearly impossible to cultivate any sort of understanding of romantic love---but it did teach me a lot of cultivating friendship love.

But before I get there, I need to grieve. I don't want to, but I need to---that's the difference. God is great and all, leading with wonderful guides to the goodness in His Word, but in the end, I'm still in a mortal body. The mind understands, but the heart is a laggard, and the soul is nascent and doesn't yet know how to lead the way. I am glad I finally met up with her face-to-face on Saturday just to talk, and get the clarity of where our relationship stood that I had prayed to God about.

Conflicted feelings are basically what I have now. I had kept it together for the most part for the past four months of circuit breaking, but I didn't really have a chance to heal, not with the types of uncertainties that I was still entertaining in my mind. With the clarity now, healing and transformation can finally begin in my heart, mind, and soul.

Till the next update, I suppose.

Resignation

The problem with me isn't with my stars---things that far cannot affect me after all, even if superstring theory holds.

It's that I'm an easy-to-read book.

It's not that I have no guile, but rather, I choose not to live a life where I am always cunning about what I do and what I think. I choose not to live such a life because it does not benefit me nor anyone in any way---it is not the right thing to do.

I say what I mean, and mean what I say.

I may choose when I want to say some thing, but I don't usually back down from saying it, especially when I am convinced that it is the right thing to say.

It was an epiphany from many years ago when I started to slowly meld all the different social groups together. So, instead of seeing MT-the-bleh, for different values of bleh depending on the particular social group, there is just MT the_laptop---the same person no matter what social group I happen to be in. Did it cause me grief? Yes, during that period where people are confused as to how best to deal with me. But in the long term, it helped let me be who I am.

Back to me being an easy-to-read book. It also means that it is easy to exploit me, to hurt me, and perhaps to ruin me if that's what the person so inclines.

Does it matter to me? Not any more I suppose.

I'm not destined for great things, be it earthly or godly.

I was not born into a rich or powerful family, I may have earned a government scholarship, but it was something that I did not fully exploit to gain unbelievable amounts of leverage climbing the corporate/civil service ladder. I'm good enough at what I do to not starve, and have no ambition of excelling so hard that I am the best in my field, and therefore according to most reckoning, am basically close to being useless without being completely useless.

I was not born into a Christian family, none of my parents are even Christian, am a new believer and I doubt that I will ever be skilled enough to be a pastor, or go on missionary trips to save the unbelievers---things that are highly valued among the godly. My talents as given by God through the careful opportunities as granted by His grace lie elsewhere, and how it can help advance the gospel is something that only time and His grace will tell. As at now, I just see myself as one of the many simple disciples of the Son of Man.

So yes, not destined for great things, be it earthly or godly.

All I have is just me. Plain old me, as unique as uniqueness can be given the 108 billion or so people to have ever lived on earth. That's all there is. That I am alive is a testimony to God's greatness---His grace allows for the existence of a useless dust mote like me to live, a dust mote that has no big dreams, no big promises to God or anyone, and no big ambition.

In some ways, I'm just glad I am alive; not happy, not content---just glad. And if I'm called to be with the Father, hey, it's okay. If it's my time to go, it's my time. I only hope that by the time that it is my time, I am relieved of responsibilities that I have in ways that will not harm the people around me; I'm not even praying for an easy passing. I just don't want to leave behind a lousy memory, even if it is going to be one that dies out within a generation. It doesn't matter if I'm remembered after death anyway---dust motes don't get remembered by anyone except for God, who will always know His own.

In the end, if the me that is present is good enough for someone to be a spouse with in this life time, it is God's will. If the me that is present is not good enough for anyone to be a spouse with in this life time, it is still God's will. In either case, I am still an easy-to-read book---I'm too old and serious to be playing silly games anyway; what-you-see-is-all-there-is. If anything is meant to be, it will be---no amount of human intervention and cunning on my end can change the outcome.

And since I've accepted Jesus Christ as my saviour and the Lord as my God, I will respect that acceptance and accept whatever it is that He has set up for me. Call it the blessing or the curse of being a believer---they are both the same thing anyway in this case. I get eternal life anyway, so no loss for me.

Amen.

I'm Tired

I'm tired.

I'm really tired of all the negativity that is happening in the world today.

I'm tired of the selfishness that everyone demonstrates, forgetting that it was the effort of society as a whole that enables their selfishness to be conducted without major repercussions to themselves. This includes the nonsense that is anti-science, anti-thought, anti-empathy, cancel culture, the five hundred different acronyms from identity politics, the two hundred different ways of virtue signalling, the ``me me me'' logic of social media, surveillance capitalism, and all the chilling effects that these come with.

It's not just something that comes from the US, in case folks are thinking that that's all I'm thinking about. It is really a general trend that comes with the hyper-connectedness of societies.

The current pandemic woes are a great way to bring to the foreground all that is wrong in ways that are louder than before. There are those who believe that they are making a change with their belligerent shouting, but failing to realise that with the precedents that they set with their ``the ends justify the means'' approach, it is just one revolution away before they end up on the receiving end of their tools.

If all of us were still in the bad old days of having to worry about when we can next put food on the table, all these ``first world problems'' would not occur. No, I am not advocating going back to the bad old days---we have advanced quite far, though we have indeed fallen a lot too. But overall, I still believe that we have progressed just a bit more than we had fallen.

Of course, whatever I say here is absolutely useless. I am no ``influencer''---I suppose only five people in the world are actual some kind of regular reader of what I write here---but it is one of those situations where I have no mouth, but I must scream. Scream I shall, indeed.

The theme for today's rant is ``why am I still alive''. No, it's not a suicide note---I don't believe in committing suicide in the conventional sense of myself taking myself out. If it is my time to go, it is my time---God will take me when it is my time; I do not have to hasten the process. If suicide were truly an option that I was seriously considering, it would not be the ignoble kind where I kill myself---I would rather make use of the last moments of my life to do things that no one would/could possibly do without being able to walk away from it alive. That's the kind of death that is most worthy, because it is a death that comes from doing something meaningful. It is the type of death that only the kamikaze of WWII understood.

But I digress. I'm not intending to die. Not just yet. Not before my time.

The normal answer is usually ``but I have so much to live for; I'm not ready to die!'' To me, I don't think that is true. I have been ready to die for quite a while really---I have very few regrets in my life, to my surprise. I used to think that when my life is over, it is done---there is nothing beyond it. That is the Christian notion of a fate worse than oblivion, a state where God literally turns His face away from one. I will say that I didn't really fear that state much---I was ready to be made unexisting anyway---but now that I've become a follower of Jesus, I am glad that I am at least saved in the sense that even after death, I still exist, and in a state that is perfect as it was God's intention.

That's a good thing.

But that aside, what I'm trying to say is, death didn't scare me that much. It scares me a bit less now with the assurance that Jesus has saved me, so it's all good. However, this doesn't mean that I'm going to roll over and die now. Allow me to back-track a little to add some coherence---I am starting to find my rant a little hard to follow, even for myself.

I don't have much to live for. I don't have big dreams. What is keeping me going on each day is just the remembrance of the responsibilities that I have. So it's less of me having things to live for and more of causing some bad trouble for people should I fail to live that keeps me living.

Is this Christ-like? I don't know---I'm still a neophyte in His ways. As far as I know, Jesus' life was totally ordered by God, just like everyone else's. But unlike everyone else's, His life, death, and resurrection was meant to fulfill the cosmic plan that God had to redeem His chosen. The reason of existence of his believers are to spread the gospel to redeem more of humankind from sin to be on the good graces of God.

There really isn't any other reason for existing.

KK did remind me of one thing though: I should remember to never take things to extremes. I thank him deeply from the bottom of my heart for his reminder. I don't really like to take things to extreme, but I suppose my attitude of not wanting to half-ass things does make it seem extreme at times.

But Jesus was a radical, was he not? Weren't we all taught to be as radical as he was, challenging the letter of the law with the intent of the law, to draw strength and divine inspiration through the Holy Spirit instead of trying to ``muscle'' our way through with the at-best misguided intentions without the consultation of the Holy Spirit?

Well, I think I'm going to stop here. Too much thoughts of these sort does strange things to my already not-super-happy state.

------

In other news, I've finally had the opportunity to get some replacement jeans. My old jeans, especially after the massive weight loss over the past 8 months or so, are way too frayed and too lose to keep on wearing comfortably. The replacement jeans I have bought fit me better; their only drawback was that the length was a bit too long, but the alteration step seems straightforward enough that I would probably do something about it over this upcoming long weekend.

I'll probably have to adjust my wardrobe a bit more soon---need to cycle in a different set of clothes, and cycle out those that don't fit as well. But that may be for another day.

Till the next update, I suppose. Maybe I will have less depressing things to write about (haha... what a joke).

I Didn't Feel Like Writing Anything

I didn't feel like writing anything. Because it felt like too much effort. To be fair, I actually did start on something yesterday involving Ecclesiastes 3:1--8, but I couldn't follow through. It was the same reason when I decided to take down my own thoughts involving my journey through martial arts---until I have reached the proverbial ``black belt'' (i.e. to be in a position where I can comfortably say that I have mastered the basics), it just didn't feel right to be talking much about something I didn't fully understand the full implications of yet.

And that's also why it took me so long before I decided to write up on my dizi materials. I have played the dizi long enough that I feel comfortable sharing what I had learnt, because I knew that I had the experience to back it all up.

Talking about Scripture when I am barely a neophyte in the ways of Christ is the most hubristic thing that I can think of. Actually, I'm not even sure that when the day comes where I am conversant with the Word, whether I would even express my thoughts on it here. Such is the level of sensitivity of a knowledge that I cannot easily put into a form that avoids the fundamental notion of faith.

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So, if I didn't feel like writing anything, what am I doing here then? Mostly it is a way to test the typing comfort of Eileen-II's keyboard. There are some quirks here and there with the placement of the Home/End/PgUp/PgDn/Del/Ins keys, but that will always be a problem for all laptops. At least this one doesn't have the separate number-pad---I dislike laptops having that because it completely screws up the alignment of the keyboard itself. As a matter of practicality, the keyboard proper is ``centred'' with that of the screen, but when there is a numpad, the regular typing area is completely skewed to the left, which stinks. In the early days of using a full keyboard, I've developed the habit of realigning it such that the general typing area is aligned with the centre of my body, which itself is aligned to where I would like to look at the screen, which is usually dead centre.

Well, that's about as much as I would want to write for now.

Till the next update, I suppose.