End Stretch of 2020

We are now on the end stretch of 2020.

This post will not be a full retrospective---I have a tendency to do that nearer the start of the next year as part of the usual statistics information on writing.

Very many things have gone in and out of my head, as well as my heart. Losses are aplenty, but gains are not too few either. Overall, it is hard to say if there is an overall gain or an overall loss.

But does it really matter in the grand scheme of things? Do I really need to keep a solid accounting of the so-called gains and losses on my own? I don't think so.

I think we'll leave the retrospective till when it is supposed to be out, and just switch gears to things that are less depressing.

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I have started on the Modesty Blaise comic series. I was introduced to this from a throwaway line from ashens, a long time Youtuber whose claim to fame is the sardonic humour displayed from reviewing various things on his infamous brown couch. The art style is on the realistic side, and follows the 3-panel format for each week. Naturally, the series had completed by now, but the serialised strips have been gathered into their own stories, and so the reading was relatively rapid.

It averages about 30 or so strips 30 or so ``pages'' or about 120 strips of 3 panels per story, so about 100-ish panels per story arc, if the first 30 or so of the 99 stories are of any indication.

I like Modesty Blaise. It reminded me of the old adventure type comics like Tarzan, instead of the more common ``a gag a week'' type comics that are out there. The stories are old school, the art work is great given that it was monochrome, and it definitely entertains. I think there were a couple of movies made, but they were flops---I don't think that I am going to watch them though. Something about how the comic format does not quite translate well into the ``standard'' format of a 100-minute film; to pull it off successfully will either require a long enough caper (which definitely involves new writing), or some kind of better way of stringing a few story arcs together, which is hard because they often had one or two months of time interspersed among them implicitly, which could probably affect the pacing of the film.

All in all, still a cool comic, and I hope that I can finish it all before 2020 comes to an end. It is probably one of the few good things that came out of this dumpster fire of a year.

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I have recently read David Copperfield in the original as written by Charles Dickens, and I must say that it was definitely more impactful than the heavily abridged version that I had read some twenty plus summers ago. That abridged version was part of a series of classics that had a small squarish shape in it. It had the rough story line for sure, but what was missing was a lot of the atmosphere and inner dialogue in the original that made it the masterpiece it was.

There were times in the book where it had made me weep. I am unsure if it is because of the circumstance [of this year in general], or that the writing was just that good---I will leave it to the reader of this blog post to decide for themselves.

Bildungsroman---it seems like I cannot escape this genre. I don't feel bad about it, but am just merely making an observation.

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Not so recently, I had finally read two comics from a series that I had been looking for for years ever since I read the first one---it was a cross-over comic of Doraemon and Sun Wukong. The title of the first was 机器猫小叮当西游记（上）：《大战红孩儿》, and it was later on that I learnt that the second title was 机器猫小叮当西游记（下）：《女儿国之游》. It was by sheer happenstance that I came across these two titles---a friend was doing his spring cleaning and talking about his Doraemon comic collection when I was lamenting about not knowing how the story went after reading the first title of this 2-part series, when he promptly snapped a picture of both books and asked me if these were what I was looking for. Amazed, I replied in the affirmative and borrowed them both from him.

The stories of the first book was still as I had remembered them (that's good---it shows that I didn't hallucinate it), but I was a little disappointed with the stories of the second book. First of all, it ended on a cliff-hanger, since there was no resolution in anyway---there was no indication that the group successfully picked up the Tripitaka scriptures, nor was there any indication that 大雄 (Noby in official media, but I'm used to calling him by the Chinese name) nor Doraemon ever quit their journey to the west and head back to their own timeline/world. Secondly, when I was trying to find the provenance of the story to update my read list, I kept running into problems---none of the official lists and compendia were listing any of these two titles. It was infuriating.

I was starting to suspect that while the books are real (I can slam my head into them and give myself a concussion), they could have been some form of bootlegged fan fiction piece, which would explain the two things that I was pointing out. The third thing was that the entire crew of doraemon was not present in the story---only the three boys were there, despite having 宜靜 (靜香, Shizuka, or Sue) on the cover.

Anyway, I liked the cross-over a lot, but felt a little disappointed at the cliff-hanger. I cannot even say that it was tainted by nostalgia, but more like being affected by expectations.

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I suppose that's all I have to today's entry. And with that, I end at around 1000 words. Till the next one.

Life is Strange

Life is strange.

I began this year with great hopes on a lot of things. I was at a job that I didn't hate, knowing that if I put in the time and effort to help the company to grind through the deliverables, I would be allowed to get into my element to do what I was hired to do. I was in love with a wonderful woman, and we were slowly making our way towards a life together as man and wife. My community Chinese Orchestra is going on thirty years strong, and we're about to go for our anniversary performance this year in November. The future, as they say in a clichéd way, was bright.

Then tragedy in the form of COVID-19 struck.

The grind at my job got worse in many different ways, the woman I was in love with decided finally that there was no future with me since our paths in life were clearly diverging, and rehearsals for my Chinese Orchestra are basically stopped.

What a fuck up.

There is some light amid the darkness, like always. I found Jesus, and had accepted him as my personal saviour. I am leaving my job, figuring out that it was not worth the sacrifices that I was putting in. Not the kind of redemption arc that I was looking for, but at this point, I would take almost anything that isn't a net negative.

In retrospect, it seems like some kind of upheaval happens every twelve years or so in my life. Supernatural interference or coincidence, I leave you to decide. But twelve years is roughly the breakpoint for each decade of life, give or take some fudge factors.

As I near the end of my thirty-sixth year of existence, I have started to ask myself, what was it I wanted, and who am I.

No matter how I wanted to swing it, there is no denying that I am middle-aged at this point. Without screwing up too much, I'll probably live till at least seventy, after which it is up to how much money I have. My parents aren't likely to live beyond twenty years, so I have that going for me too.

What was it I wanted, and who am I?

Some have said that I have accomplished a lot. Truly, what is it I have accomplished? Gotten a Masters in Computer Science? Please, it was course-based, and hardly worth mentioning considering that I don't think I learnt more than what I had already known---it was mostly a paper gathering exercise to satisfy those who command capital, just like every other activity those of us who can only trade our labour (mental or menial) for some capital to re-new ourselves and continue to pay the upkeep cost of living in modern society.

I want to say, all I want now is just to be with the Lord, because there really isn't anything meaningful left to do in this life, but that would be a sin. Theologically, my life has been ransomed by Jesus through the cross, and so I am not allowed to just die like this without doing anything to bring glory to the name of God. Pragmatically, there is perhaps some use for me and my so-called qualities---it is just a case of finding the right fit. Despite all efforts to be as knowledgeable as I can be, the world in infocomm tech is always run by greedy capitalists---it is never enough. Oh you know machine learning? That's cool, but ah, you don't have certification in cloud stuff, so you are useless. Oh you can program in Java? That's cool, but really we are looking for someone in NodeJS. Oh you know algorithms? That's cool, but can you also do UI/UX design? No? Oh too bad.

What the holy hell is that supposed to mean? Is all that I have learnt throughout my twenty years of experience in computer science reduced to only whether I can follow the trends of the last five years?

I'm just... tired.

Tired of all this bullshit from the world of infocomm tech.

It is never enough.

You can have deep knowledge of something that people need, but they will always find some way of demeaning you by comparing you against what you don't have.

Oh, you are trained in artificial intelligence concepts? Cool cool... but ah, it seems you are not PMI certified. Yes yes I know our job description didn't put that in, but you know, it's understood, right? So many coders out there (by the way, did you know that we need more coders? hint hint wink wink), but we really need coders who can do UI/UX, database design, embedded system, mobile apps, cloud service management, customer management, and agile, because we want to have an end-to-end product in three months.

It is never enough.

Never mind that I have programmed in more than twenty different types of languages by syntax, semantics, and paradigms. Never mind that I can pick up the latest trending framework within a month. Never mind that I don't mind working hard in the beginning to get up to speed without any form of training just to help move things along so that I can finally do what I was hired to do. As long as I don't fit the ``code monkey'' stereotype, I don't count.

Only in the world of infocomm tech that one is expected to take courses and update one's knowledge on one's own dime and time. Want to get certified in cloud? Oh, please go take the AWS courses on your own time---you must take leave to go for seminars and take your exams. By the way, you are expected to get the certification for your job---if you don't get it by the end of your probation, well, we may need to re-evaluate your fit. Oh dear, you took AWS? Apparently we are going to use Azure now, so your certification isn't enough any more---please be a certified Azure engineer so that you can work with us.

It is never enough.

Infocomm tech needs better managers, especially with respect to software and things relating to software. Just because the artefact created cannot literally hurt one physically when mashed into one's head doesn't make it any easier---it actually makes things harder. Because unlike hardware, software does not have innate physics to control what can or cannot be done. The design and building of software requires a lot of thought to ensure that the physics (i.e. world-level constraints that restrict what can be done the way the laws of regular physics limit energies and power in the real world) is present and correct. If I build a circuit board with certain parameters, I know full well that if I exceed those parameters, there is a high chance I will break the circuit completely, and it will fail. But if I do that to software with incomplete physics, the software will still go on its merry way, leading to a breakage in some obscure future that no one can easily predict.

Agile as a concept is good---it is better to reach clearly defined checkpoints, testing and failing bad concepts early, and to keep progressing. Agile as some prescribed ritual is terrible. Agile as some prescribed ritual with cover-your-ass documentation requirements that come with a normal waterfall model is downright sacrilegious.

But what was it I wanted, and who am I?

I don't know fully right now. And that's why I need to take a break and re-think things. Many things, actually.

God doesn't draw one out of something, but draws one into something. I have a vague sense of what it is, but it will take time for the pieces to fall into place to provide a good direction for me to follow.

After all, what turns out in the end isn't of my will, but His. I have the power of choice, but in the grand scheme of things, He is still in control.

And when He tells me it is time to go, I cannot disobey. Amen.

T'is December

It's a Sunday. The first Sunday of the month of December.

What do I feel? I would want to say, I feel almost nothing.

It's just another day now, considering that I am no longer in a relationship with another person. I spend time nerding out, reading mostly, and then doing some other things that are more geeky/nerdy in nature.

Like playing my 笛子, or flute, or even the 埙, which was a gift to me from HY about a year and change ago, with the request that I record myself playing a piece for her.

I am still working on that. I think I should have something ready before 2021 swings by, and if I were late, it would not extend to beyond January, when I have a couple of leave days around my birthday to do things that I enjoy doing, away from work-related things.

The past few weekends were filled with the meeting up of various people. This weekend, it's a quite a quiet one. Just sitting at home, resting as much as it is possible given all the stresses that are upon me, self-inflicted or otherwise.

NaNoWriMo had come and gone, and I am back to what I would call the new usual.

It was as though I had never been involved in a significant relationship with someone for five years.

It is actually pretty scary how those five years just felt like a glitch in the matrix that seemed to have been rectified the moment the circuit breaker came about.

Is this really the fate of one who claims to be ``a man with hardly a past''?

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Life isn't so bad. I still have a job; in this time and age, I suppose that is the single most important thing. Job satisfaction, personal mental/physical health and the like are definitely secondary to just being able to pay the bills. And boy are there many bills to pay these days.

Bitterness isn't a good thing to feel. So I need to learn to not feel that way. It can be hard at times, but it is important to remember that the Lord is with me, and that I can entrust Him with my fears, and He will deliver me from them, somehow.

Hey, even if it means I get called back to be with the Lord, so be it.

As I am nearing my next integer year of existence, and being in this state where I am no longer in a serious relationship, I have been starting to question myself more and more seriously again about whether I am better off alone, corporally.

Maybe being alone, at least for now, will give me a chance to dream once again. I seem to have lost that ability to dream for quite a while, and that was before I was involved in that last serious relationship, so let's be honest and not play the blame game here.

But what is there to dream about? The world is really messed up... are there really any dreams left that are worth pursuing?

...or is serving the Lord totally and absolutely, eschewing all other forms of human institutions the only way forward?

These definitely require quite a bit of meditation and praying to ``get right''.

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In other news, I have slowly reduced the amount of liquor that I have in my stash. The latest one to be consumed completely is the Bacardi 151 that I had purchased back in December 2014. That was when I decided to make the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, which included Jack Daniels, Jim Beam, Johnny Walker, Jameson, and Bacardi 151. I can no longer make that drink because I have finished up all the liquor that go into it.

These days I just drink beer about once a month after a particularly long day of work with too many meetings at the bar near my office, Georges @ TS. Of course, I don't just drink beer... I also eat some (heh, more like too much) food, and do a lot of reading. It's just like when I would occasionally head down to Brotzeit @ VivoCity back in the day just to drink beer and read, except it is much closer. Georges @ TS being a small [franchise] bar meant that eventually the staff there knew me better, and there was always something to talk about every now and then as I take breaks between the reading.

Alcohol consumption is tricky, considering that I need to balance the amount of liver damage that I am willing to sustain, considering that Paracetamol is still the premier way of controlling tension headaches, but that drug does a real number on the liver, as does alcohol. Those two cannot mix, and I think that I thread a very fine line of permanent damage with the twenty-four-hour spacing that I set up.

But what's there to do? It's not like I can keep inviting friends out to chat and pass the time---I only have that many friends, and meeting them super often will only wear out my welcome.

Well, hello again books, my old companions from the dark dark times of secondary school. It seems like it's you and I all over again, almost as though nothing has changed in the twenty years in between.

Okay, when I start getting all maudlin with no other content is a sign that I have written enough for now. So, till the next update then.