I promised an exposition here, and here it is.
The basic thing that I sort of realised while walking around was that of change. The overall climate here seems to be rather different from 2 years ago, and I almost feel like I am some outsider, in comparison to before. The subtlety of the changes are not readily apparent, but upon further thought, things start to fall into place.
The main idea that floated around in my head with regards to change, is the fact that there is this slow dissociation on my part to various organisations in general. Inasmuch as I would like to remain anonymous, there are many times where the association is enforced to a certain degree, and because of that, I do not have that opportunity all the time. Apart from my reticence in wanting to be easily recognised, there is also the tacit acknowledgement on my part on the relative lack of viable options that I can pursue to ensure my chosen actions.
Again, I digress due to the lateness of the night. I shall try to remain on topic once more. The core tenet of the change that I have noticed, is that the people that I once thought I knew have changed much. In general, there is this trend where people seem to be taking me a little more seriously and treating me in a more "adult" manner than before, even though I am practically a similar person as I am today as I was 2 years ago. And by this statement, I'm really implying also that many of my friends have already started to treat me thus. Not that this is a bad thing, but as I said earlier, these are part of the changes that I seem to have perceived.
And the million-dollar question (literally): why am I working my butt off for a PhD? I'd be lying through my teeth if I didn't say that I want to do it because I actually want to contribute a little back to the society that I sort of grew up in. It sounds cheesy, I know, but that is the feeling that I truly get whenever I step back to examine what I have been doing and the choices that I am making. But sometimes, I just feel a little sad at the way with which I'm supposed to contribute back to the society—I feel as though I'm no more than a high-cost worker who is doing things that 90% of the populace have no idea about.
I'm probably fine with being an anonymous contributor, but I think the more important thing that I need to worry about is keeping that little spark within me alive so that I can touch more people's lives in ways that they'd never known, without me ever having to show that I was the person who was behind the idea.
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Friday, May 23, 2008
Change
I realised something rather interesting. A common theme that keeps running through my mind these days is that of change. Everywhere that I look, I see change. Of course, not all of the change is good or bad too, for that matter, but the mere fact that change is so pervasive and obvious to me today strikes me as being rather odd. That and also the weird feeling of why I'm doing what I'm doing, working my butt off to get a PhD.
I'll expound on these more when I have the time.
I'll expound on these more when I have the time.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Summer Redux Week One
So, let me be a little honest here. It has been a while since I last wrote anything of substance here, ever since the day that Edythe decided to take a holiday. Now that Elyse is online and working, I guess that some life updates are in order of some sort.
By now, I'm already back in sunny Singapore. What I forgot to mention is that Singapore is this really hot and humid place, and that's probably the only reason why I might not really like it here, after all these years. Since this summer, I'm not doing any internships/attachments whatsoever, I don't have the luxury of hiding away in air-conditioned rooms. Running around trying to avoid the heat is one of those "black art" things—there's no real foolproof way of doing it without expending more effort.
In the week (roughly) that I've been back, I've not managed to see what has changed throughout the land. Part of the reason was as above, and the part of the reason is that I don't seem to find the impetus to actually travel out of my house these days. After being away from home for so long, I suddenly realise that hanging out at home is one of the things that I kinda missed, hot weather notwithstanding. The sheer familiarity of it all evokes a certain nostalgia that I cannot quite explain with words, despite the fact that the apartment is as messy and cramped as before, considering the fact that it houses four adults now (as opposed to the two adults and two kids before).
I sit here at yet another coffee house, and just watch the world go by as I pen all these thoughts here. I maintain that one of the more interesting things to take part in is the art of people watching. Sitting quietly in a corner to observe the surroundings have proven to unearth more interesting sights than anything that I have done, and I could have sworn that I actually recognise some of the people who are currently here (I'm probably suffering from a case of mistaken identity, but I guess that as long as I do not make an ass of myself by calling out their names in public, I'd be fine).
In a way, this summer is meant to be a period of R&R, a way of ensuring that my mind is relatively relaxed in order to take on the challenges that the next year will bring. I'm not that vocal these days, preferring to hide away from the crowd and stay hidden, waiting till people seek me out. For too long I have been the prime motivator of things; I guess that the time has come for me to truly take a step back and observe all that is happening, and to wonder if anyone is still interested enough in me to actually take that step to want to meet me.
Is this wishful thinking? I doubt it. Reciprocation is one of those things that is really hard to quantify, yet it is one of those really important values with which one measures the strength of the relationship that one has with another person. To reciprocateis to acknowledge that another person is as important to one as one is to that person. I used to treat all these really seriously, and be the person who goes round trying to reciprocate to people. But then time has steeled my mindset, and I figured that if I'm the only one doing all these... social things, then what manner of reciprocation is this?
And so I sit there, hidden away in the corner, wondering about things on my own, looking on as the world passes me by. It is interesting how a year can change one's mindset on matters relating to human relationships. This time last year, I was all hyper-enthusiastic in trying to organise meetings between groups of friends—now I just adopt a completely wait-and-see attitude. So much other things to do, most of which have to do with self-betterment.
Ah, writing. My salvation from the complications of the world. It is a known fact that I'm a verbose writer; my professor and teaching assistants for the technical consulting class have grumbled time and again about the level of verbosity. The final consulting report underwent a good 3-4 iterations of edits before settling down to the form that was handed in.
Writing succinctly—I used to know how to do that. Except that these days, where people demand a "minimum number of words" for essays, I tend to bloat up my text such that they read more easily, albeit in a more verbose way. As a mentor once said, my writing reads like a novel, which is good if I am writing a novel, but it sucks if I'm writing something like a business report or even a technical report.
I have found a simple way of dealing with this though. Since my mind thinks in such convoluted ways, it is probably best to leave it as is, and to write the first draft in the most convoluted way that mind envisions it. After that, I will pull out my editor persona and start slicing and dicing the words such that they are the most concise form that I can get away with. I like the fact that I like writing, and so I'm not going to try and kill that innate verbosity just to conform to one of the many standards of writing there are. Prune will be the word of the day now, I guess.
So I've rambled on and on and on without much coherence in my thoughts. Not that it matters much, really. At this stage, I'm just happy that I can sit here in the nice air-conditioned room writing about things that I sort of care about. Maybe one day, at the end of it all, I can look back at myself and think fondly of the times that I had while sitting at the coffee house.
Also, when I'm sufficiently acclimatised to the weather here, I might just jot down random bits of information here and there about the things that I see. And now, time to write yet another article on one of the other blogs.
By now, I'm already back in sunny Singapore. What I forgot to mention is that Singapore is this really hot and humid place, and that's probably the only reason why I might not really like it here, after all these years. Since this summer, I'm not doing any internships/attachments whatsoever, I don't have the luxury of hiding away in air-conditioned rooms. Running around trying to avoid the heat is one of those "black art" things—there's no real foolproof way of doing it without expending more effort.
In the week (roughly) that I've been back, I've not managed to see what has changed throughout the land. Part of the reason was as above, and the part of the reason is that I don't seem to find the impetus to actually travel out of my house these days. After being away from home for so long, I suddenly realise that hanging out at home is one of the things that I kinda missed, hot weather notwithstanding. The sheer familiarity of it all evokes a certain nostalgia that I cannot quite explain with words, despite the fact that the apartment is as messy and cramped as before, considering the fact that it houses four adults now (as opposed to the two adults and two kids before).
I sit here at yet another coffee house, and just watch the world go by as I pen all these thoughts here. I maintain that one of the more interesting things to take part in is the art of people watching. Sitting quietly in a corner to observe the surroundings have proven to unearth more interesting sights than anything that I have done, and I could have sworn that I actually recognise some of the people who are currently here (I'm probably suffering from a case of mistaken identity, but I guess that as long as I do not make an ass of myself by calling out their names in public, I'd be fine).
In a way, this summer is meant to be a period of R&R, a way of ensuring that my mind is relatively relaxed in order to take on the challenges that the next year will bring. I'm not that vocal these days, preferring to hide away from the crowd and stay hidden, waiting till people seek me out. For too long I have been the prime motivator of things; I guess that the time has come for me to truly take a step back and observe all that is happening, and to wonder if anyone is still interested enough in me to actually take that step to want to meet me.
Is this wishful thinking? I doubt it. Reciprocation is one of those things that is really hard to quantify, yet it is one of those really important values with which one measures the strength of the relationship that one has with another person. To reciprocateis to acknowledge that another person is as important to one as one is to that person. I used to treat all these really seriously, and be the person who goes round trying to reciprocate to people. But then time has steeled my mindset, and I figured that if I'm the only one doing all these... social things, then what manner of reciprocation is this?
And so I sit there, hidden away in the corner, wondering about things on my own, looking on as the world passes me by. It is interesting how a year can change one's mindset on matters relating to human relationships. This time last year, I was all hyper-enthusiastic in trying to organise meetings between groups of friends—now I just adopt a completely wait-and-see attitude. So much other things to do, most of which have to do with self-betterment.
Ah, writing. My salvation from the complications of the world. It is a known fact that I'm a verbose writer; my professor and teaching assistants for the technical consulting class have grumbled time and again about the level of verbosity. The final consulting report underwent a good 3-4 iterations of edits before settling down to the form that was handed in.
Writing succinctly—I used to know how to do that. Except that these days, where people demand a "minimum number of words" for essays, I tend to bloat up my text such that they read more easily, albeit in a more verbose way. As a mentor once said, my writing reads like a novel, which is good if I am writing a novel, but it sucks if I'm writing something like a business report or even a technical report.
I have found a simple way of dealing with this though. Since my mind thinks in such convoluted ways, it is probably best to leave it as is, and to write the first draft in the most convoluted way that mind envisions it. After that, I will pull out my editor persona and start slicing and dicing the words such that they are the most concise form that I can get away with. I like the fact that I like writing, and so I'm not going to try and kill that innate verbosity just to conform to one of the many standards of writing there are. Prune will be the word of the day now, I guess.
So I've rambled on and on and on without much coherence in my thoughts. Not that it matters much, really. At this stage, I'm just happy that I can sit here in the nice air-conditioned room writing about things that I sort of care about. Maybe one day, at the end of it all, I can look back at myself and think fondly of the times that I had while sitting at the coffee house.
Also, when I'm sufficiently acclimatised to the weather here, I might just jot down random bits of information here and there about the things that I see. And now, time to write yet another article on one of the other blogs.
Sunday, May 18, 2008
Future Post?
If you happen to be able to read this at the time of 2359hrs (SGT), then it means that the experiment worked. So blogger recently rolled out their future post system, which allows a more controlled way towards publishing posts at a specific time in the future. It is high time that they had such a feature too, considering the fact that this is something that was likely to be supported by other systems elsewhere.
That's all I'm going to mutter for now. Till next time.
That's all I'm going to mutter for now. Till next time.
Friday, May 16, 2008
Elyse
And so the time had come when I bring on a newer machine to take Edythe's place. After a rather tumultuous two to three years, her fan gave way and I had to seek out another to stand in her place. Today, I proclaim that Elyse is my new consort for the projects to come.
Elyse is a Fujitsu S6410, a real beauty and quite the workhorse with 4GiB of RAM and a decent Core 2 Duo processor. Armed with an additional modular battery, Elyse will be there to do all the hard computations when the time arises. She's a pretty machine, and maintains almost the same sexy demeanour as her sister Edythe. A pity that Edythe's fan had decided to throw in the towel—it'd be interesting to see the two of them interacting with each other. Edythe's "mini-me" (dubbed Edythe-EEE) will still be around, performing the light computations that are necessary when Elyse is busy working on some computation problem.
It is hard to explain this to someone who doesn't quite understand, but when one's work is based on the efficacy and efficiency of one's tools, there is this sense of attachment that I cannot seem to be able to shake away easily. Is this some kind of strange fetish? I don't believe so, unfortunately. I just like the thought that the tools that I use are somewhat sentient, and that they are indeed my friends—the silent friends who are always there to help without complaint, to be able to ensure that things work out as well as they can without thinking too much about whether it will cost them dearly or not.
All right, I think I've probably ranted enough for the day. In other news, I'm finally home (good grief), and am paying the price for a rather hot and muggy weather. I think that it'd probably be a while before I'm completely used to the hot and humid feel, but in the meantime, I'm never too far off the wash basin, since the rapid relief of cool water on a hot and muggy skin is much too tempting to resist.
Cheerio.
Elyse is a Fujitsu S6410, a real beauty and quite the workhorse with 4GiB of RAM and a decent Core 2 Duo processor. Armed with an additional modular battery, Elyse will be there to do all the hard computations when the time arises. She's a pretty machine, and maintains almost the same sexy demeanour as her sister Edythe. A pity that Edythe's fan had decided to throw in the towel—it'd be interesting to see the two of them interacting with each other. Edythe's "mini-me" (dubbed Edythe-EEE) will still be around, performing the light computations that are necessary when Elyse is busy working on some computation problem.
It is hard to explain this to someone who doesn't quite understand, but when one's work is based on the efficacy and efficiency of one's tools, there is this sense of attachment that I cannot seem to be able to shake away easily. Is this some kind of strange fetish? I don't believe so, unfortunately. I just like the thought that the tools that I use are somewhat sentient, and that they are indeed my friends—the silent friends who are always there to help without complaint, to be able to ensure that things work out as well as they can without thinking too much about whether it will cost them dearly or not.
All right, I think I've probably ranted enough for the day. In other news, I'm finally home (good grief), and am paying the price for a rather hot and muggy weather. I think that it'd probably be a while before I'm completely used to the hot and humid feel, but in the meantime, I'm never too far off the wash basin, since the rapid relief of cool water on a hot and muggy skin is much too tempting to resist.
Cheerio.
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
End of Semester
Again, it is the end of the semester, and more importantly, it is the end of the second year of college for me. Lots of things have happened thus far, both good and bad, throughout these semesters. A quick recap of this year I guess, before I fly back home once more for the summer.
I was ditched by one, and found by another. My grades climbed, and hopefully will continue to do so. Life is good, life is bad; there is much to be happy, yet there are times to be sad.
So after the final final exam, I was basically packing the whole dang day. And the switch from the extra large packing boxes to large boxes meant that I had to basically pack more in terms of number of boxes, but less in terms of the individual mass. This all meant that it was practically possible for a single person to actually move each individual box, as opposed to the 25 inch ones that required at least 2. Also, this year, KK's basement seemed to unavailable, so it was also a good thing of sorts that the box was on the small side as it could then fit into those narrow stairways.
At this stage, my brain is kinda tired and so I will not attempt to write more. All that I will add is that I will be on radio silence for a few days, possibly weeks. Till then, take care.
I was ditched by one, and found by another. My grades climbed, and hopefully will continue to do so. Life is good, life is bad; there is much to be happy, yet there are times to be sad.
So after the final final exam, I was basically packing the whole dang day. And the switch from the extra large packing boxes to large boxes meant that I had to basically pack more in terms of number of boxes, but less in terms of the individual mass. This all meant that it was practically possible for a single person to actually move each individual box, as opposed to the 25 inch ones that required at least 2. Also, this year, KK's basement seemed to unavailable, so it was also a good thing of sorts that the box was on the small side as it could then fit into those narrow stairways.
At this stage, my brain is kinda tired and so I will not attempt to write more. All that I will add is that I will be on radio silence for a few days, possibly weeks. Till then, take care.
Wednesday, May 07, 2008
Intermezzo
So marks yet another day of writing my ethics essays. They don't seem to be really hard, and seem more of being summaries than anything else, but it is really hard to tell at this stage. Things are starting to get crazy here, and soon I'll need to do my packing (probably a little on Thursday evening and a lot more on Friday afternoon).
So much to do, so little to do them all. And I'll probably end up missing Ida a whole bunch over summer.
*sigh* Back to the grindstone.
Peace out.
So much to do, so little to do them all. And I'll probably end up missing Ida a whole bunch over summer.
*sigh* Back to the grindstone.
Peace out.
Saturday, May 03, 2008
EEE PC
As you'd know by now, I have one dead CPU fan on Edythe, which meant that I didn't really have a computer with which I can work on easily. Thanks to the wonders of technology and money, I have a relatively cheap machine called the ASUS EEE PC. With this, hopefully I can survive the coming fortnight more easily.
Also, I need a new computer when I return. Grr...
Also, I need a new computer when I return. Grr...
Friday, May 02, 2008
Management of Life
Again I've not been saying anything here for a while. Part of the reason is due to the fact that Edythe's CPU fan is pretty much dead, part of the reason is also due to the fact that there so much that needs to be done during this "death march" week. Life is not as bad as it seems though; I'm feeling rather good of myself and am in control despite the fact that everything is starting to crunch down for me.
I had been sick since last Friday—I had a bad-ass fever for the whole of Friday evening up to Saturday. But after 10 doses of Dayquil, lots of water, cough drops and trying to catch as much sleep as possible while keeping a good hold on my schedule and thus plan on dealing with the work, I think that I'm in really good shape to proceed well.
Life is bad; life is good. It is all a matter of perspective I guess. Adopting the right attitude and mind-set seems to be the best possible start that one can take towards maintaining an overall positive experience.
Alright, so much for now. I need to get back to editing the final revision of the full consulting report for class.
I had been sick since last Friday—I had a bad-ass fever for the whole of Friday evening up to Saturday. But after 10 doses of Dayquil, lots of water, cough drops and trying to catch as much sleep as possible while keeping a good hold on my schedule and thus plan on dealing with the work, I think that I'm in really good shape to proceed well.
Life is bad; life is good. It is all a matter of perspective I guess. Adopting the right attitude and mind-set seems to be the best possible start that one can take towards maintaining an overall positive experience.
Alright, so much for now. I need to get back to editing the final revision of the full consulting report for class.
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