Nivlek Conversation

Once more I find myself writing yet another blog entry on a late night session. There is clearly something different about the night as compared to the day that makes updating my own blog a little more intimate, even though I don't really do much editing in either case. But as usual, I digress a little.

I think that one thing that I'm starting to get used to is the flux of life. Life is non-static and full of twists and turns, some completely deterministic, while others completely unexpected. Slowly I find that the people I used to trust implicitly have now ``fallen off'' the trust model, while there are those whom I used to not trust have slowly entered into the hallowed ``inner circle''. But of course, the said ``inner circle'' itself has changed its nature by quite a fair bit, considering that I am mostly reclusive now, engaging people at the most superficial level that is required to maintain something that is meaningful yet at times impersonal enough.

It's not that I don't like to confide in people---it's just that sometimes such opportunities do not present themselves readily. It is much easier to find such people when one is younger, since the whole notion of political manipulation is something that is quite rare at that age group that finding someone willing to listen to and discuss one's problems makes as much sense as saying the sun rises from the East. But as time goes by, it becomes painfully obvious that such burden-free associations are far and few; the only group of people where this might still hold when one is of adulthood is likely to be that of the immediate family, with spouses falling in the gray area depending on the general state of the relationship.

Speaking of spouses and confidantes, I had a recent meet up with Nivlek and we had a helluva good time talking about the ``good old days'' (they were old, but they ain't good), the happenings now, and some future stuff. And I think we come to one simple conclusion about the whole get-a-girlfriend/wife-thing: people are taking things a little too seriously. Actually, I believe we are being nice, what we probably meant was that many people who are in relationships seem to fall a trap involving emotional abuse and manipulation. The idea of ``hen-peckedness'' and that somehow the woman being the lead in the relationship at around the time that marriage is considered somehow sounds completely wrong to me---it's a marriage for crying out loud, not a slavery bondage! Why do many women think that they are superior enough that their word is ``final'' when it comes to life after marriage? Isn't a marriage supposed to be a partnership where people be like true thinking adults and do things in ways that make the both of them happy and yet still have the desired outcome? Why then does marriage make things look so glum, like as though being married is some kind of restrictive burden?

Speaking of marriage and relationships I think I'm entering a new phase in my life. Back when I was younger, I find that I could not relate to my peers just because they were talking about things that didn't interest me enough, things that involve fashion, memes and other stylish things. I preferred talking to people who were older than me, simply because they had a more interesting and varied view on what life is, and can often discuss current affairs in ways that are more informative than whatever the press provides through their own analysis. But now, I'm starting to find it easier to talk to the younger folk instead of those older than me. I mean, I don't outright hate to talk to anyone older, but I've probably listened to their talk on getting married, buying their first flat, giving birth to their child and other really random talk of that nature one too many times to actually find it interesting. Yes, congratulations on reaching your next milestone, but that's just your own ``achievement''---pity the poor souls who have to listen to you gush about something that makes little sense to the young singles surrounding you. At least I can still get more decent conversations with the young'uns---I may not like some of their attitude, but among the black sheep there are still the few lily-white ones who give the whole generation a slightly better name, and those are the ones whom I genuinely enjoy the time we spent talking.

Change does not seem to faze me much anymore; I'm not sure if I had said it in any of the more recent posts, but it is a point that is worth repeating. I think this is a good attitude towards life, and gives me enough forward momentum to hurdle past obstacles that may stand in my way.

And on that note, I end this entry for the day.

Pondering About Life Once More

What if today you stopped and attempted to validate that your life was indeed worth living. What kind of conclusions would you draw?

So up to this point, I think that life for me, in general, has been worth living. At the very least, I can claim that I have loved and was loved, possess some non-trivial talents, and have a decent looking future-that-is-not-über-boring---pretty good deal, really. But of course, there are times where things seem to be at a natural low, where self-doubt comes in and makes things surprisingly difficult to accept and deal with.

I suppose that most people have their own unique take on life; that's what makes each of us different from each other. We might be in the general locality at some point with others, but what each person takes away from the scene in memory is often much different from everyone else in spite of having the same observations. There are some types of people that reinforce our positive self-image through interaction, and then there are those who are absolute downers. I think when Regina wrote her list of ``rules'' for life, she was bearing this in mind as a motivation for people.

I think I'm much more reticent nowadays as compared to the past. Much has changed over the last two years, and I think I have adapted to the changes in as best a way as I can. So far, no signs of self-deprecating self-worth issues are seen at levels that demand closer attention, but I'm still wary of myself spiralling out of control when the going gets tough. Maybe reticence is a good thing for me---it keeps my motor-mouth in check and saves me the effort of trying to conform, letting others come up with their own colourful ideas of who I might be in a way similar to an extended Rorschach Test.

Or it could be that I'm more isolated that reticence is fast becoming the norm for me. While I'm still not completely sociopathic, my empathy towards people in general are diminishing over time---more often than not I just don't feel the need to feel anything for many of the people Isee. While I do not treat people in a malicious way, I do not actively try to help them either, in stark contrast with the me of old who would sillily allow myself to take the hurt just to keep others safe. I'm no magnanimous fool now: while there are universal laws about the equality of people, but there is an overriding concept of the self that needs satiation.

m3h, I don't really have a clue what I'm trying to drive at on this midweek night. Suffice to say, whatever I had probably wanted to talk about have appeared by now, and it is with this pensieve and confused mood that I will leave you, the reader, behind till next time.

Fast Times Mon...

Man, what a week. You know that you are having the time of your life when you start to lose track of how time flies. And of course, by what I said, I don't mean just the fun stuff---I do mean the work stuff too.

Previous Saturday was grand, I went out with a couple of fellow geocachers to do a few geocaches in the middle of the Bukit Timah Nature Reserve region. Man, that one was a blast, since the cache hides were well executed, and the places that we went to were really quite extraordinary in many ways. There was a thunderstorm that raged on at one point, but we took shelter at one of the many huts. It was quite safe in spite of the fact that one lightning/thunder struck really close to the hut itself.

Work was quite gruelling yet comfortable in some strange sense; there is a feeling of forward progress, and with some additional advice here and there from various people, I'm starting to be in control once more.

Then of course, there was Friday, the first Friday where I begin to clear all my leave. The morning was spent at the US Embassy for the visa application, while the evening was for rock climbing at SAFRA Yishun. I think I like the idea of rock climbing and the ``simpler version'' of bouldering. Yes, my forearms were pretty sore once I was done with the place, but from the beginning to the end, I found my climbing strategy evolve from ``where's the next hand hold?'' to ``hmm, I need to go right to avoid that jutting region''. Somehow rock climbing really makes you think about the choices that you want to make and balance it against what you are physically capable of i.e. you might want to vault over that ledge, but you just don't have enough strength to bring yourself to it. According to some of the better climbers (those with prior experience), it is more about technique than raw strength, which makes the whole sport a finesse-type one, something that I can live with, probably.

Saturday was a mad scramble doing the waypoints for a particular multi-cache, and I think I did fine in spite of all the other physical activities that I had taken part in. I think my physical condition is much better now than two years ago when I first returned from the US.

So anyway, as I was saying earlier, you know that you are having the time of your life when time passes really quickly, for as common sense says that when you are doing something you love, time feels really short but when you are doing something you hate, it takes an eternity. I think I'm glad that I have managed to find pleasure in the things that I am doing now and in the future---it does have a positive impact on myself whenever I think of it in this way.

Alright, enough rambling, till the next update. Hopefully I have something more... philosophical to talk about the next time as opposed to the sordid details of my life (which I'm sure is why people read this blog anyway).

Musings on a Saturday Night

Well, well, well, it is a Saturday night, and it's just me and Mr JD here chillaxin' in the summer heat.

*takes a sip*

Some might say that it is a terrible day to be drinking any form of hard liquor, but I'm known to make some rather irrational decisions from time to time as part of filling up my quota of ``erring to be human''.

*takes another sip*

On the way home today, I realised a sad truth---I can't actually will myself to cry. It just doesn't work; I get to within a hair's breadth of tearing up, but it stops short there, whether or not I'm listening to sappy lost-love music.

*takes another sip*

Too macho maybe? Who knows? But I suppose that I don't really have a good reason to need to cry; hell, even when I broke my bone those couple of times, even when I had that excruciating pain, all I did was to wince a little and then get up through force of will.

The only times I ever cried where when my grandma was incinerated after death and when some chick had broken up with me.

*takes another sip*

So maybe crying is not the way for me to relieve stress. That's a relief, in some ways---heheheh at least it asserts that I'm still ``macho'' enough. And no, I'm no ``Massive Compact Halo Object'', since I'm still mostly matter the last I checked.

*takes another sip*

I'm kinda going easy on the JD this time round, ever since that little experiment of the Ya Kun coffee went astray. It's probably a shot of JD on the rocks... I know, I know. I don't usually drink hard liquor on the rocks, but tonight's a special occasion to you know, not get too ridiculous from my relative sensitivity to both alcohol and caffeine due to reduction in use.

*takes another sip*

And yes, this is yet another one of those free-form auto-writing experiments ``live''. Yes, when I say that I took another sip, I meant that I had taken another sip of JD indeed. Talk about redudancy.

*takes another sip*

M3h. It's starting to taste like molten ice (it sounds hotter than it is, but trust me, molten ice is just water... really cold water). No need for strong fire tonight---I have the summer heat to thank for that. So I'm just asking for a light buzz of some sort to help me relax a little.

*crunches the ice with teeth*

Yep, that's the last of whatever was in my glass. And this post too, it seems.

Don't Invite Me To Any More Social Networks

You know something? It is really strange that people who don't talk to you for long periods of time are still somehow keeping track of you, if only in a cursory manner. But what annoys me the most is that these people will still happily click on that spammy ``invite all your friends'' link to add me to their social network.

Eh, why the hell do you add someone to your ``social network'' when you have not interacted with that person ``socially'' in a damn long time? Doesn't the whole concept of ``we are not talking with each other'' mean anything to you? Can't you just leave me the hell alone by not clicking on that spammy button to add me to what is effectively your bragging board?

Anyway, truth be told---I am really not into the whole social network thing. The only reason I even have a damn facebook account is because the current breed of people whom I have to work/play/live with don't seem to understand the concept of using email and want to do everything (from planning to wrap up) on facebook. Already I am a social misfit who partakes in little of the whole ``social life'' phenomena; if I still stay away from this facebook nonsense, I think I'd be in worser shape.

If facebook went belly up tomorrow morning, I wouldn't even drop a tear. It was, has been, and will be a meaningless thing to me.

By extension, I hate all the other social network sites, whether under the guise of it being ``for professionals only'' or not. If folks can recall, facebook used to be a ``for college students only'' thing---that was one of the main reasons that I convinced myself to sign up for an account on it to keep abreast of things that are happening on and around campus. But then it opened up to the rabblement and see what happens now.

I think I'm starting to sound like a grumpy old man now. Heheh.

------

It doesn't take an Einstein to realise that I'm starting to write new entries here on a slightly higher frequency. Yes, it is usually a sign that things are not going well in real life, but that aside, I think that being segregated from people everywhere has a strange way of making me want to write more. Writing is fun; writing is therapeutic. Writing has a way of allowing me to just sit there in an easy chair, and just hack away without a care in the world. But of course, writing because things are not going well is just different from writing fiction---between the two, I think I'm a little better at the former than the latter, since I don't usually have the wherewithal to actually start on any new pieces of fiction (read as: I don't have many stories I feel compelled to tell).

Anyway, it is obvious that I'm just deviating from the main topic of today's bitching. So, till the next time.