In Between Worlds

I've said this before, I'll say it again: it is hard to live in between worlds.

In general, I have not found myself to be a party to the mainstream group as a rule of thumb. Back in the day, it has everything to do with how I look---I had bad skin then and less bad skin now---but now, it has more to with how I think about things. On that regard, I have not found myself to be a party to any of the fringe groups that may share similar interests with me either; I think their clique-ish ways are what really turns me off.

As a result, I tend to live in between worlds.

Living between worlds is hard for the simple reason that it takes considerable effort to appear somewhat compliant with each of the worlds that one is in between of without completely allowing the self to be subjugated into that world's rules. A price to pay for ``neutrality'' or rather, the preservation of the sovereignty of one's mind.

Sometimes I feel that the price is a tad too much. After all, by choosing to live between worlds, I have also made the choice to be wholly responsible for what I think and how I think, with little room to relax about it. While it is great when I'm at my peak mental abilities, it also means that any downs tend to be way deeper than one might expect, because there aren't any standardised reaction patterns that I can rely on from the mainstream culture or the fringe sub-culture.

I think that's why I'm half mad.

Living in between worlds has also the side effect of nullifying almost any talent that one may possess. ``Talent'' in the Real World outside of say the education system (think K-12 and not the university) is relative and is dominated by the opinions of the majority, ergo, one has ``talent'' only if there exists a substantial number of influential people who admit that one has that particular talent. So, a great singer is only great because enough influential people have given their stamp of approval, and a scientist's work is great only because enough influential researchers have cited that scientist's work as a fundamental reference from which new work is built upon.

The old stories of the solitary genius are mostly myths and are popular because they help to promote the thought that hard work is sufficient to achieve something great in life.

Unfortunately, hard work is merely necessary but not sufficient. To achieve something great requires a legion of co-conspirators---people who think and believe in the same things that one thinks and believes in. Then and only then do we have sufficient grounds to achieve something great. Luck and timing exist only in the form of careful choice of when one puts in the final big push for the thing that one is interested in; they aren't completely unmanageable.

But back to talent. One word: relativity. Living in between worlds means that there is no easily discernible reference point in which one's particular ability can be measured against, which means that the same ability can be completely talentless under the context of one world and be superlatively talented in another. This is the kind of ennui one must face when living in between worlds, something that I thought I could handle.

Well, I'm having second thoughts, but not enough to abandon my original set up. All it means is that I need to learn more about my own ego, and to learn how to not be proud for no good reason, and to derive strength and satisfaction elsewhere.

I don't really have anything else to say; just felt like venting a little bit to get rid of some of the miasma that had been clouding my mind for a while.

Intermezzo

In case people were wondering, well, I'm still around.

Nearly a month has passed since the last time I wrote anything here, and much of the same is still... the same. The changes are still coming, and the jury is still out on the ramifications of it all.

I'm still in the eye of the storm as the chaos surrounds me. I'm not feeling too great, but I don't think I'm in too shabby a state either. I've taken up running again as my anti-depressant in these stressful times, especially since I've more or less given up on Aikido for now because of my erratic work schedule---evening time is so much harder to plan for as compared to waking up stupid early to run around the neighbourhood.

We've finally moved to our temporary holding place for CO, and we're starting to get a sense of the place all over again. Everyone's lives have started to turn hectic, what with the end of the year examinations and other developments. Maybe things will settle down in a week or two when some form of routine emerges.

Work wise, same old same old---nothing more to add.

I've already decided on this year's entry for NaNoWriMo---The Goodbyes. The entire fubar quality of 2016 is starting to hit me and I feel inspired to write about all these negativity into a novel of some sort as a way of purging it from my system. And of course, like a true Wrimoer, I'm going to wing this when the timer starts come November first.

In between the last post and this, I have finally debuted with Mio. It was pretty rough, trying to play the bass flute with little to no amplification, but I think that gentle buzzing helped to bolster the rather weak low range of our tiny CO. Such luxury can only be had because for those couple of performances we have two other dizi players already, and having a third one (i.e. me) was just a recipe to be overly loud.

Hmm... what else is there to write?

I honestly don't know. There are a few nebulous things floating about in my head, generating the occasional headache, but that's about it.

Maybe till the next time.