Love. The motivation that can either make or break a person. One mathematician claimed that love or specifically the dynamics surrounding love can be modelled using differential equations, with fairly reasonable predictive powers; the caveat is that there are a few parameters that require ``estimation'', which is scientific-speak for ``we need to guess that one''. Love is also the fascination or abhorrence of both science and social science alike, with people of all fields trying to make sense of this concept that has permeated throughout society.
To me, love is both an enabler and a disabler. It enables quite a few of my senses and intuitive feeling, while at the same time disabling a few of my lesser traits. My sensitivity to my significant other is heightened, while the general closeness I have with people is a little more dull. I feel more than before, and try not to think too hard on matters of the heart, leaving the task of decision-making and understanding to the other parts of my being. As stated by a psychologist before, a person is more than just what he/she thinks---there are additional dimensions that transcend that of rational thought, and it is this transcendence that allowed me to appreciate the ``softer'' sciences. But I digress yet again.
I thought I have loved before, but that turned out to be a sham, a moment's confusion in the grand scheme of life. I think I am in love now, and I regret that I have to push that thought aside, for fear that I am not truly in love but in love with the thought that I am in love. Reaching deep within my very being, I find that there is this warm fuzziness inside each time I think of Ida. That fuzziness comes not from the thought that I am in love---it is something altogether different. The probability of us being together after this year of separation is statistically low, with many anecdotal evidence that the whole long-term thing not haqving good prognosis and all, but in spite of these terrifying historically-backed data, I still feel strong enough to carry on this relationship. I haven't have the foggiest clue where I am getting all these strength from, but I am not really going to question that.
So, love, what is it actually? For sure I know what it isn't: it isn't lust, it isn't about calling each other every single day, it is not even about caring about each other more than anyone else in the world. What love is is something rather nebulous to define; the best working definition that I have now is that love is trust and communication---the trust that one gives another person when one's heart is handed to them, and the communication that allows all the magic to happen.
I think I am a bit too abstract today... must have been all the problem solving on Project Euler...
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Monday, May 18, 2009
I Feel A Little... Illuminated
Full circle huh. So this is how it feels to be a graduate... somewhat bittersweet, somewhat at a loss of direction and words. At yet another major outcome in life, I find myself standing at the checkpoint in pensieve thought once more, trying to figure out what is the best course of action for the things that I want to actually achieve this life time. In many ways, I am really happy to have graduate from one of the hardest computer science programmes in the world, yet in some other ways, I feel a certain indescribable forlorn when I realise that the happy days of the undergraduate years will not come again another time.
Indeed, I did talk about how I never did like goodbyes, citing mostly how the goodbyes themselves overwhelm the psyche with the sense of loss. But today, as I stand before the global stage as a fresh graduate from Carnegie Mellon University, I seem to have a different sense of purpose, like the veil of ignorance have finally parted just a tiny sliver so that I can view the world with a much clearer view. This newfound sense of purpose is rather astonishing to me, and when I actually sit to reflect upon it, I find that in many senses, I have indeed grown up as a person.
The air of calmness that permeates within my mind is something that I have learnt to truly enjoy; as a counsellor once said, I was basically ``at one'' with myself, being able to relax into my entire being and enjoy the sensual comforts, and not just be dependent upon my reasoning faculties. I like this feeling of being able to just ``sink into myself''; it just makes things appear really clear and all the swirls of doubt seem to not mean anything any more. Sometimes I wonder if this calmness will lead to me being lackadaisical and shy away from what I need to do, but the distinction between being ``driven'' and ``motivated'' starts to come into play here. The same counsellor told me that a driven person sees nothing but the goal, and works only for the goal, after which he/she has nothing else to look forward to; there is a strong ``push'' forwards, with little experience actually gained. It is like a surfer charging through the waves, skimming on the superficial, and reaching the end in record time. But the motivated person is like a surfboard that sinks a little deeper into the water, moving forward by virtue of momentum, with energy used only to gently redirect itself. The pace seems slower, but the experiences are richer and more fulfilling from a personal perspective.
So I was a driven person. I push myself hard on many fronts; I still do, actually. But now I have grown to appreciate that life is more than just trying to push forward really hard---the very notion of ``forward'' is nearly impossible to define, since everyone is doing things that vary tremendously even among people who are seemingly within the same field. The only true competition is the self---did I learn more at the end of the time period than what I knew before, or did I learn less? For every smart person out there, there exists some other person who is smarter---there is no universally ``smartest'' person in the world. Why challenge people who are leagues above when one's abilities are nowhere near their match? Challenges are important, but why spend the opportunity cost trying to vie for the impossible when the same amount can be spent in the betterment of the self?
Interesting questions to think about. I feel a little... illuminated.
Indeed, I did talk about how I never did like goodbyes, citing mostly how the goodbyes themselves overwhelm the psyche with the sense of loss. But today, as I stand before the global stage as a fresh graduate from Carnegie Mellon University, I seem to have a different sense of purpose, like the veil of ignorance have finally parted just a tiny sliver so that I can view the world with a much clearer view. This newfound sense of purpose is rather astonishing to me, and when I actually sit to reflect upon it, I find that in many senses, I have indeed grown up as a person.
The air of calmness that permeates within my mind is something that I have learnt to truly enjoy; as a counsellor once said, I was basically ``at one'' with myself, being able to relax into my entire being and enjoy the sensual comforts, and not just be dependent upon my reasoning faculties. I like this feeling of being able to just ``sink into myself''; it just makes things appear really clear and all the swirls of doubt seem to not mean anything any more. Sometimes I wonder if this calmness will lead to me being lackadaisical and shy away from what I need to do, but the distinction between being ``driven'' and ``motivated'' starts to come into play here. The same counsellor told me that a driven person sees nothing but the goal, and works only for the goal, after which he/she has nothing else to look forward to; there is a strong ``push'' forwards, with little experience actually gained. It is like a surfer charging through the waves, skimming on the superficial, and reaching the end in record time. But the motivated person is like a surfboard that sinks a little deeper into the water, moving forward by virtue of momentum, with energy used only to gently redirect itself. The pace seems slower, but the experiences are richer and more fulfilling from a personal perspective.
So I was a driven person. I push myself hard on many fronts; I still do, actually. But now I have grown to appreciate that life is more than just trying to push forward really hard---the very notion of ``forward'' is nearly impossible to define, since everyone is doing things that vary tremendously even among people who are seemingly within the same field. The only true competition is the self---did I learn more at the end of the time period than what I knew before, or did I learn less? For every smart person out there, there exists some other person who is smarter---there is no universally ``smartest'' person in the world. Why challenge people who are leagues above when one's abilities are nowhere near their match? Challenges are important, but why spend the opportunity cost trying to vie for the impossible when the same amount can be spent in the betterment of the self?
Interesting questions to think about. I feel a little... illuminated.
Friday, May 08, 2009
Sunday, May 03, 2009
Last...
I have been meaning to write this entry for days, but there is just so much to do in between that it makes me want to sigh many times over. It has been a rather pensieve week to a large degreee, since there are many ``lasts'' that happen this week.
It is the last week of the StuCo I am teaching this semester, namely ``Introduction to Traditional Chinese Music''.
It is the last week of my undergraduate classes.
It is among the last times that I get to hang around campus.
How strangely does time fly. It has been about 3 years since I first stepped foot off Singapore and ended up here in the US, in Carnegie Mellon. I recall many memories from that time, both good and bad. Fresh out of National Service, head swooning from the almost zealous interactions with a horde of new people, I was a much different person then, perhaps a little more naïve, a little more ``pure'' than who I am now. I believed in so much more then, in life, in relationships and in career. Burnt on many fronts based on what I once believed in, I find that as time went on, my entire belief system was systematically deconstructed and rebuilt as my undergraduate career progressed. Now I believe in far, far less than before, ever more skeptical about human nature, ever more wary about things in general.
Sometimes I ask myself, have I strayed from my ``goody-two shoes'' role that I was playing for quite a long while. And as time wore on, I find that my answer became more and more complicated. As a psychologist might put it, I am in the process of rediscovering who I really am, and as a part of that rediscovery, some of the old values have morphed into different ones now. Perhaps I am even more ``unfitting'' with the culture back at Singapore, having been exposed to much more liberal values over here than before. Perhaps the mere fact that I get to make my own decisions here is sufficient to convert me from a purely conservative viewpoint to one that is more liberal in nature. Don't get me wrong, I am still somewhat conservative at heart, but that social conservatism has much of its irrational factors weathered away by the constant exposure to the liberal aspect of life.
So what next? Work first, and then other things will fall into place, I guess.
It feels good to have some control over your life.
It is the last week of the StuCo I am teaching this semester, namely ``Introduction to Traditional Chinese Music''.
It is the last week of my undergraduate classes.
It is among the last times that I get to hang around campus.
How strangely does time fly. It has been about 3 years since I first stepped foot off Singapore and ended up here in the US, in Carnegie Mellon. I recall many memories from that time, both good and bad. Fresh out of National Service, head swooning from the almost zealous interactions with a horde of new people, I was a much different person then, perhaps a little more naïve, a little more ``pure'' than who I am now. I believed in so much more then, in life, in relationships and in career. Burnt on many fronts based on what I once believed in, I find that as time went on, my entire belief system was systematically deconstructed and rebuilt as my undergraduate career progressed. Now I believe in far, far less than before, ever more skeptical about human nature, ever more wary about things in general.
Sometimes I ask myself, have I strayed from my ``goody-two shoes'' role that I was playing for quite a long while. And as time wore on, I find that my answer became more and more complicated. As a psychologist might put it, I am in the process of rediscovering who I really am, and as a part of that rediscovery, some of the old values have morphed into different ones now. Perhaps I am even more ``unfitting'' with the culture back at Singapore, having been exposed to much more liberal values over here than before. Perhaps the mere fact that I get to make my own decisions here is sufficient to convert me from a purely conservative viewpoint to one that is more liberal in nature. Don't get me wrong, I am still somewhat conservative at heart, but that social conservatism has much of its irrational factors weathered away by the constant exposure to the liberal aspect of life.
So what next? Work first, and then other things will fall into place, I guess.
It feels good to have some control over your life.
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