So it was quite a while before I actually get to sit down and type a whole bunch of words that number somewhere in the 500-word region. It's quite a crunch down now, with all kinds of crazy projects and homework all due during the last week of class, after which of course is the really nasty thing known as the "finals".
The strange thing is that my flight is almost a good week after my last finals, thanks once again to how the registrar does not confirm finals dates until the last possible moment, thus forcing most of us to delay our travel till at least the very last official day in which the finals can occur.
Anyways, so I'm not sitting here in a different room, and basically just rambling on without any coherence of thought whatsoever.
And yeah, today's Alice's birthday. And I basically spent the whole day with her today. Heheheh, we had a great time around. So we went to the "One Night In Beijing" performance held by the ARCC. Now we are sitting on the couch in the lounge at her dorm working on homework.
That deserves a little ramble too.
So it was almost a couple of weeks ago, when I was intending to go for the National Cherry Blossom Festival held in Washington DC. So I invited Alice along, which, to my surprise, she did. And we went to DC, having lots of fun walking around viewing the [half-dead] cherry blossoms and enjoying the activities that were available at the festival grounds itself.
Then, some time later, we went out again one night to watch the city skyline from a park overlooking the city of Pittsburgh. And yes, Alice is now my girlfriend.
What an interesting way to say things. (=
Sunday, April 29, 2007
Saturday, April 28, 2007
Cherry Blossoms Pictures direct off facebook
Here's a little something from the National Cherry Blossom Festival 2007 in Washington DC. And yes, the pictures are on facebook, plus a whole lot of other stuff.
Cheers~ Maybe a more detailed update on my life a little later.
Cheers~ Maybe a more detailed update on my life a little later.
Thursday, April 26, 2007
4.20am...
Another deep-in-the-night post. So, the clock reads 4.20 am now, and I'm still up writing an entry. Life still sucks, but it's a little less unbearable now. We have found each other.
I wanted to write more, but I really got too tired to even keep my eyes open. Perhaps another time.
I wanted to write more, but I really got too tired to even keep my eyes open. Perhaps another time.
Monday, April 23, 2007
Sunday, April 22, 2007
Weird Contemplative Mood X
A new phase will begin, slowly does it. No need for jealousy, no need for pain. Wonders are awaiting me in time to come.
I am content.
I am content.
Weird Contemplative Mood IX
Another waking, another day. It seems that things are going to stay this way. Suddenly I yearn so much for the warmth that I had last night, but today I need to be content with just watching from afar, and finish up the tons of homework that plague me thus far.
Feel no jealousy, just a pang of loneliness, when I see people in pairs, or her in his bed in the room next to mine.
Need to get back to homework.
Strange and weird contemplative mood, why?
Feel no jealousy, just a pang of loneliness, when I see people in pairs, or her in his bed in the room next to mine.
Need to get back to homework.
Strange and weird contemplative mood, why?
Weird Contemplative Mood VIII
I awake, in the middle of the night, and glance at my room mate who's sleeping inside. He has her lying next to him, fully clothed, and I know not to feel happy or sad.
I look at myself hard and think in a somewhat daze, what should I feel and why.
And then the strange feeling of loneliness strikes at me again.
Why?
I look at myself hard and think in a somewhat daze, what should I feel and why.
And then the strange feeling of loneliness strikes at me again.
Why?
Weird Contemplative Mood VII
A night out with a friend. In the cold land, I found some warmth. Other people go to parties; I'd rather be alone with her and chat the whole night through.
Contentment.
Contentment.
Weird Contemplative Mood VI
What I wish for the most now... is the warm lasting hug of someone who really cares for me.
Is that too much to even think about?
Back to the grindstone, and still not knowing why I have turned into my current state from the past.
Is that too much to even think about?
Back to the grindstone, and still not knowing why I have turned into my current state from the past.
Weird Contemplative Mood V
A walk outside, a makan session with fellow A*STAR scholars, I feel somewhat okay.
But back here, back in my room, I find them gone to see a movie at the McConomy, and I feel a strange sense of loneliness.
Why?
But back here, back in my room, I find them gone to see a movie at the McConomy, and I feel a strange sense of loneliness.
Why?
Saturday, April 21, 2007
Weird Contemplative Mood IV
Yet another sleep followed by another waking. Not any wiser than before. Still can't figure out what's wrong.
Why?
Why?
Weird Contemplative Mood III
So, another sleep, another awakening, and my mind is still clearly in need of more airing. Why?
Well, at least, I'm not feeling particularly down at this point in time. Seems like sleeping in a sleeping bag on a hard floor has wonderful side effects to one's messed up head.
Let's see what the rest of the day will bring.
Well, at least, I'm not feeling particularly down at this point in time. Seems like sleeping in a sleeping bag on a hard floor has wonderful side effects to one's messed up head.
Let's see what the rest of the day will bring.
Weird Contemplate Mood II
After a sleep, I awake, somewhat refreshed, but my mind still in a partial whorl. Why am I still feeling alone when surrounded by so many people? Where did this empty feeling come from? Why did I end up this way in the first place?
Why are there so many unanswered questions?
Why are there so many unanswered questions?
Weird Contemplative Mood
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And so, for some strange reason, I find myself sitting here out in a mini-park of sorts located behind the College of Fine Arts building, with the three of them. They seem kinda happy together, talking and interacting, while I just feel left out, sitting here away from them and even blogging this out. There are smiles, laughter and everything else surrounding them, but all I can feel is just a sense of loneliness.
Why?
Friday, April 20, 2007
Story Arc
There was a time, when people said that as one grew older, one grew more attractive, due to a multitude of reasons, some of which include the new level of maturity on both the physical and the mental front, as well as other lesser known qualities like an increase in appreciation and application of style.
It seems to me that what people said is so far removed from the truth.
All I see in the mirror, is a person who is potentially good in the field that he is in, but is one who will never be able to garner the kind of positive energy that attracts people to. I mean, there are a few people who say that there's this thing about me that is quite interesting and that they want to learn more about, but there' also this bunch of people who say that I am just some crazed bastard of sorts which is not worthed knowing.
I dunno... I seriously don't know.
Some have said that attraction is random; perhaps it is true, and if so, the RN-Gods are not doing me any good favours lately, for I am seriously repelling people more than attracting them. Stupid geeky humour is all I have, and not everyone appreciates that. Well, at least there are some people who actually find that it is cool that I can play the ocarina and the 箫, so there is at least one potential redeeming aspect of myself. But hey, almost everyone else disses the things that I do; sure I admit that I am no American or a "normal" Singaporean. The things that I do border on the fringe of multiple disciplines, and that I do not play a western instrument does not make me less of a musician than one who does.
In many a conversations with Cui, the same question keeps popping up. What makes me happy? Till date, I do not have a definite answer, though I can somehow pinpoint the general [fuzzy] region where the answer can be found. However, more recently, another question keeps popping up instead. What is "normalcy"? Cui somehow conveyed the fact (well, over the entire course of all the conversations), that eccentricity is not something that people really like, and that most are more interested in one who is more "normal" in nature. That I cannot fathom. I mean, I am hardly a normal person anymore; the things that I pursue are so off tangent from each other that it hardly constitutes a case for normalcy. For instance, "normal" people know and keep in touch with the present in terms of culture and other stuff; for me, I am more attuned to slightly older cultural beliefs and even slightly older songs. Also, "normal" people hang out and just have fun with others; I find that work is often more appealing than trying to act cool so as to blend in with a crowd.
So what do I want in life, really? An interesting question of immeasurable problems; on the one hand, I'm interested in finding a very close friend who will stick with me and love me deeply through thick and thin for as long as we live, while on the other hand I realise that it is extremely unlikely that this is going to happen, considering the fact that my nature has turned from falsified happiness to one that is of general broodiness. So all the sagas that my life has faced so far have more or less played themselves out; the various "story arcs" have concluded somewhat. The latest story arc in my life, is how to cope with the sudden darkness that is enveloping my inner self; this is one thing that cannot really be explained. Sometimes, when I look at MegaTokyo, I kinda feel a strong association with the emotional turmoil of the main character Piro; always having girls surrounding, yet always screwing things up when in the vicinity of some girl that I really like. Well, at least, the similarities kinda there until the latest story arc, where he and Kimiko are finally in some form of the start of a relationship. When I look into the mirror, my reflection stares back, and sometimes mock at me for my incompetence in something like that.
And so, it seems that it is the time of the year where people are starting to part to their separate ways again. Most of my old friends are not so accessible as before, while those who are near me start to grow distant as time passes and alliances/cliques shift. It seems like after all these years and almost 4000km away from where it all began, I am still the way that I was. Indeed, 江山易改本性难移 is a proverb that is a dead ringer for the description of what I am now.
Yes, I know, this is getting to be a long rant, and chances are, almost no one will read it. It's kinda sad... I set up this [other] blog as a conduit to do some prose-y writing, but it seems that in each passing day, all that I am putting in here are longer and longer rants about things that people don't care about. And due to my refusal to put up a cbox (because of all the nonsensical spam related with it), this blog rings hollow, like as though all I have done was to create this huge hollow box with a hole where I shout through it what I feel and it will just silently accept it, without returning so much as an echo.
So, me a dark character doomed to eternal suffering or a dark character with the potential of pulling himself out of the hell hole? I think this will probably be resolved in the current story arc.
It seems to me that what people said is so far removed from the truth.
All I see in the mirror, is a person who is potentially good in the field that he is in, but is one who will never be able to garner the kind of positive energy that attracts people to. I mean, there are a few people who say that there's this thing about me that is quite interesting and that they want to learn more about, but there' also this bunch of people who say that I am just some crazed bastard of sorts which is not worthed knowing.
I dunno... I seriously don't know.
Some have said that attraction is random; perhaps it is true, and if so, the RN-Gods are not doing me any good favours lately, for I am seriously repelling people more than attracting them. Stupid geeky humour is all I have, and not everyone appreciates that. Well, at least there are some people who actually find that it is cool that I can play the ocarina and the 箫, so there is at least one potential redeeming aspect of myself. But hey, almost everyone else disses the things that I do; sure I admit that I am no American or a "normal" Singaporean. The things that I do border on the fringe of multiple disciplines, and that I do not play a western instrument does not make me less of a musician than one who does.
In many a conversations with Cui, the same question keeps popping up. What makes me happy? Till date, I do not have a definite answer, though I can somehow pinpoint the general [fuzzy] region where the answer can be found. However, more recently, another question keeps popping up instead. What is "normalcy"? Cui somehow conveyed the fact (well, over the entire course of all the conversations), that eccentricity is not something that people really like, and that most are more interested in one who is more "normal" in nature. That I cannot fathom. I mean, I am hardly a normal person anymore; the things that I pursue are so off tangent from each other that it hardly constitutes a case for normalcy. For instance, "normal" people know and keep in touch with the present in terms of culture and other stuff; for me, I am more attuned to slightly older cultural beliefs and even slightly older songs. Also, "normal" people hang out and just have fun with others; I find that work is often more appealing than trying to act cool so as to blend in with a crowd.
So what do I want in life, really? An interesting question of immeasurable problems; on the one hand, I'm interested in finding a very close friend who will stick with me and love me deeply through thick and thin for as long as we live, while on the other hand I realise that it is extremely unlikely that this is going to happen, considering the fact that my nature has turned from falsified happiness to one that is of general broodiness. So all the sagas that my life has faced so far have more or less played themselves out; the various "story arcs" have concluded somewhat. The latest story arc in my life, is how to cope with the sudden darkness that is enveloping my inner self; this is one thing that cannot really be explained. Sometimes, when I look at MegaTokyo, I kinda feel a strong association with the emotional turmoil of the main character Piro; always having girls surrounding, yet always screwing things up when in the vicinity of some girl that I really like. Well, at least, the similarities kinda there until the latest story arc, where he and Kimiko are finally in some form of the start of a relationship. When I look into the mirror, my reflection stares back, and sometimes mock at me for my incompetence in something like that.
And so, it seems that it is the time of the year where people are starting to part to their separate ways again. Most of my old friends are not so accessible as before, while those who are near me start to grow distant as time passes and alliances/cliques shift. It seems like after all these years and almost 4000km away from where it all began, I am still the way that I was. Indeed, 江山易改本性难移 is a proverb that is a dead ringer for the description of what I am now.
Yes, I know, this is getting to be a long rant, and chances are, almost no one will read it. It's kinda sad... I set up this [other] blog as a conduit to do some prose-y writing, but it seems that in each passing day, all that I am putting in here are longer and longer rants about things that people don't care about. And due to my refusal to put up a cbox (because of all the nonsensical spam related with it), this blog rings hollow, like as though all I have done was to create this huge hollow box with a hole where I shout through it what I feel and it will just silently accept it, without returning so much as an echo.
So, me a dark character doomed to eternal suffering or a dark character with the potential of pulling himself out of the hell hole? I think this will probably be resolved in the current story arc.
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
A n3w Ph34r 4r1s3s
It has been a long while since I actually went down this route. This route of self-destruction. For the most part, I have been trying to extricate myself from the complicated issues of human emotions, but as time goes by, I realise that I am failing miserably on this.
It seems that my life is fated to suffer all kinds of conflicts for time memorial.
I am having serious doubts of myself nowadays. Who am I? What I am here for? Questions that I used to really know about, but after the fateful day where I turned twenty, things just spiralled downhill. It is a hard thing to do, maintaining the usual facade and fighting the internal conflicts that keep coming on again and again.
And probably among the saddest of all, is to be maligned for things that I am not.
I hate being maligned for things that I am not. I absolutely abhor it to the core. To be maligned, is to be labelled with something that one isn't, and the sad thing is that the things that I have been labelled with are nothing complimentary. I was told, by different people at different times, that I am unimaginative, immature, unadventurous and crazy.
Zr, havzntvangvir? Gung'f dhvgr n fgenatr jnl bs chggvat vg... vs V jrer gb or havzntvangvir, V jbhyq arire unq gur punapr gb pbzr urer; vg jnf zl vzntvangvba gung nyybjrq zr gb bognva gur shaqvat gung nyybjrq zr gb pbzr urer. Pbhyq vg or gung V nz trggvat fb byq fb dhvpxyl gung V'z ybfvat jung vf ernyyl zl fgebatrfg genvg? Be pbhyq vg or orpnhfr bs gur snpg gung V unir fuvsgrq zl vzntvangvba sebz gur rkgreany znavsrfgngvba gb bar bs ynetryl vagreany.
Vzzngher? Abj gung'f n arj bar. Va fbzr jnlf, V nz qrsvavgryl jnl orlbaq zl gvzr; gur novyvgl gb ybbx ng n ceboyrz, gb grne vg qbja gb cvrprf, naq gura gb pbzr hc jvgu jnlf bs nggnpxvat gurz. Lrg, V nqzvg gung zl rzbgvbany fvqr vf yrff guna fngvfsnpgbevyl qrirybcrq. Fgvyy, na nppvqrag vf na nppvqrag. V ncbybtvfrq, ohg jung unccrarq? Gur fnvq cnegl "unccvyl" gbffrq n jubyr phc bs fbqn ng zr. V zrna, jub'f gur vzzngher bar? V znqr n zvfgnxr, V ncbybtvfrq, ur qvqa'g jnag gb yvfgra gb vg, fuhg zr bhg, naq gbffrq fbqn jngre ng zr. Abj, ubj nz V fhccbfrq gb gnxr guvf ylvat qbja? Vs gur fnvq cnegl fynaqref be nggrzcgf gb fynaqre zr, jryy, tbbq yhpx, sbe V unir ab vqrn jung V jvyy qb.
Fanccvat... V'ir orra oernxvat qbja naq oernxvat ncneg sbe gur ynfg srj zbaguf. V jbaqre, jbaqre vs vg jnf n tbbq vqrn gb pbzr urer be abg. Cebonoyl vg vf n tbbq vqrn, ohg gur abgvba bs gelvat gb "zvk jvgu gur ybpnyf" vf cebonoyl fbzrguvat gung V fubhyq erybbx vagb. Snzvyl vf snzvyl, naq crbcyr jvyy abg yrg lbh sbetrg gung. V pbzr gb guvf cynpr jvgu n urnygul erfcrpg bs gur crbcyr urer, ohg gbqnl, V yrnir jvgu zber guna n snvag qvfgnfgr jvgu gur oerrq bs crbcyr gung V nz jvgu.
Hanqiraghebhf naq penml. Gbgnyyl snyfr, ng yrnfg sbe gur svefg cneg. Nqiragher jvgubhg pnhgvba vf abg nqiragher; vg vf hacynaarq naq gbgnyyl haarrqrq, cnegvphyneyl vs vg vaibyirf fbzr sbez bs qnatre. Nz V ernyyl penml? Cebonoyl, V'ir arire orra dhvgr fnar gb fgneg jvgu; V'ir nyjnlf orra cerggl rppragevp, naq guvf rppragevpvgl unf nyjnlf orra obeqrevat ba gur iretr bs vafnavgl.
I can't stand for fools. People who can understand what I say, I respect. People who are competent, I respect too. The type of people that I have disdain for, are those who think that they are really good and not listen to advice, but when in actual reality, they are anything but that. I can't wait to return home in summer; it is the place where I belong, and it is where my solace can be sought.
When next semester comes, things will be much better. Most people will be out of sight, and when I deactivate my facebook account, they will also be out of mind. I do not need to make lots of friends wherever I go; I just need a small group who are close enough and I will be fine. In this foreign land, where family is family, and everyone seeks to remind you of that, I only managed to find two such groups of people, but it won't matter. I should learn how to cherish these people, and forget about those who are messing up my life.
With such rants out of the way, it's time to refocus my energies not on rebuilding friendships that were never to be, but to do well in the finals and push myself to an even higher level than I ever was. People come, people go, the worst will never stay, while the best will never go.
I do not belong here.
It seems that my life is fated to suffer all kinds of conflicts for time memorial.
I am having serious doubts of myself nowadays. Who am I? What I am here for? Questions that I used to really know about, but after the fateful day where I turned twenty, things just spiralled downhill. It is a hard thing to do, maintaining the usual facade and fighting the internal conflicts that keep coming on again and again.
And probably among the saddest of all, is to be maligned for things that I am not.
I hate being maligned for things that I am not. I absolutely abhor it to the core. To be maligned, is to be labelled with something that one isn't, and the sad thing is that the things that I have been labelled with are nothing complimentary. I was told, by different people at different times, that I am unimaginative, immature, unadventurous and crazy.
Zr, havzntvangvir? Gung'f dhvgr n fgenatr jnl bs chggvat vg... vs V jrer gb or havzntvangvir, V jbhyq arire unq gur punapr gb pbzr urer; vg jnf zl vzntvangvba gung nyybjrq zr gb bognva gur shaqvat gung nyybjrq zr gb pbzr urer. Pbhyq vg or gung V nz trggvat fb byq fb dhvpxyl gung V'z ybfvat jung vf ernyyl zl fgebatrfg genvg? Be pbhyq vg or orpnhfr bs gur snpg gung V unir fuvsgrq zl vzntvangvba sebz gur rkgreany znavsrfgngvba gb bar bs ynetryl vagreany.
Vzzngher? Abj gung'f n arj bar. Va fbzr jnlf, V nz qrsvavgryl jnl orlbaq zl gvzr; gur novyvgl gb ybbx ng n ceboyrz, gb grne vg qbja gb cvrprf, naq gura gb pbzr hc jvgu jnlf bs nggnpxvat gurz. Lrg, V nqzvg gung zl rzbgvbany fvqr vf yrff guna fngvfsnpgbevyl qrirybcrq. Fgvyy, na nppvqrag vf na nppvqrag. V ncbybtvfrq, ohg jung unccrarq? Gur fnvq cnegl "unccvyl" gbffrq n jubyr phc bs fbqn ng zr. V zrna, jub'f gur vzzngher bar? V znqr n zvfgnxr, V ncbybtvfrq, ur qvqa'g jnag gb yvfgra gb vg, fuhg zr bhg, naq gbffrq fbqn jngre ng zr. Abj, ubj nz V fhccbfrq gb gnxr guvf ylvat qbja? Vs gur fnvq cnegl fynaqref be nggrzcgf gb fynaqre zr, jryy, tbbq yhpx, sbe V unir ab vqrn jung V jvyy qb.
Fanccvat... V'ir orra oernxvat qbja naq oernxvat ncneg sbe gur ynfg srj zbaguf. V jbaqre, jbaqre vs vg jnf n tbbq vqrn gb pbzr urer be abg. Cebonoyl vg vf n tbbq vqrn, ohg gur abgvba bs gelvat gb "zvk jvgu gur ybpnyf" vf cebonoyl fbzrguvat gung V fubhyq erybbx vagb. Snzvyl vf snzvyl, naq crbcyr jvyy abg yrg lbh sbetrg gung. V pbzr gb guvf cynpr jvgu n urnygul erfcrpg bs gur crbcyr urer, ohg gbqnl, V yrnir jvgu zber guna n snvag qvfgnfgr jvgu gur oerrq bs crbcyr gung V nz jvgu.
Hanqiraghebhf naq penml. Gbgnyyl snyfr, ng yrnfg sbe gur svefg cneg. Nqiragher jvgubhg pnhgvba vf abg nqiragher; vg vf hacynaarq naq gbgnyyl haarrqrq, cnegvphyneyl vs vg vaibyirf fbzr sbez bs qnatre. Nz V ernyyl penml? Cebonoyl, V'ir arire orra dhvgr fnar gb fgneg jvgu; V'ir nyjnlf orra cerggl rppragevp, naq guvf rppragevpvgl unf nyjnlf orra obeqrevat ba gur iretr bs vafnavgl.
I can't stand for fools. People who can understand what I say, I respect. People who are competent, I respect too. The type of people that I have disdain for, are those who think that they are really good and not listen to advice, but when in actual reality, they are anything but that. I can't wait to return home in summer; it is the place where I belong, and it is where my solace can be sought.
When next semester comes, things will be much better. Most people will be out of sight, and when I deactivate my facebook account, they will also be out of mind. I do not need to make lots of friends wherever I go; I just need a small group who are close enough and I will be fine. In this foreign land, where family is family, and everyone seeks to remind you of that, I only managed to find two such groups of people, but it won't matter. I should learn how to cherish these people, and forget about those who are messing up my life.
With such rants out of the way, it's time to refocus my energies not on rebuilding friendships that were never to be, but to do well in the finals and push myself to an even higher level than I ever was. People come, people go, the worst will never stay, while the best will never go.
I do not belong here.
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Les Miserables
A damnable day. Probably two more foes made. Must be some form of a record.
Hmm... *sigh*
Hmm... *sigh*
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
Pseudo-long Rant
It's almost the correct time for a rant—when it's like late and I'm half comatose (which means that the usual mental barriers are lowered ever so slightly). So yeah, it's been a tough month. So much has happened that I don't think I'll ever be coherent enough to start explaining; nor do I really want to talk about the specifics of the incidents that have occurred.
Suffice to say, tensions here are really high. So much for the "new beginning". Ha. That never happens... since the protagonist is one and the same. So it's back to the old habits and ways of life that I have been so used to for so long. That means, I'm back to ultra-mugging mode and self-exploratory/discovery mode, with as little reliance on people as possible. I've learnt a valuable lesson; never to stick to one group of acquaintances for too long. To quote someone, "familiarity breeds contempt", and indeed it is starting to become true within this little group of people whom I have hung out with for almost a semester and a half.
Now, I'm all alone again. Hahahaha... seems ironic that at the end of the day, despite expending effort to be nice and friendly and whatever, I'm still being isolated from the main populace, partially by my own actions, and partially by the actions of the people who are around me.
So, homework was a pain. Like, seriously, a real pain. There's always so much to do, and so little time to do them; it could be because of the over-loading that I've done in order to play catch-up. Probably the only redeeming thing about it all is that during this emotionally tumultous period, I've found other people who can be my support here. These people may not understand me fully (but who does, really?), but they provide the listening ear and human presence that my life so desperately needs. It's quite interesting, how alliances shift almost daily.
I've re-read the translation of Sun Tzu's Art of War. Time to move on in life... everything's only a little set back, and being the fighter that I naturally am, I should be able to bounce back and re-take on the world. Nevermind what people say/think/care; I will do what is necesary.
That said, I feel so much more detached to my life, which is strangely fascinating. I mean that while I am here and there's so much pressure and stuff, I have this sudden calmness that has appeared out of nowhere and feel as though I am on top of things. Hopefully, this is indeed a good thing.
Okay, it's 0140hrs now... and I need to go swimming at about 0700hrs, which means that I should be sleeping now if I want to be able to swim without sinking.
Ciao.
Suffice to say, tensions here are really high. So much for the "new beginning". Ha. That never happens... since the protagonist is one and the same. So it's back to the old habits and ways of life that I have been so used to for so long. That means, I'm back to ultra-mugging mode and self-exploratory/discovery mode, with as little reliance on people as possible. I've learnt a valuable lesson; never to stick to one group of acquaintances for too long. To quote someone, "familiarity breeds contempt", and indeed it is starting to become true within this little group of people whom I have hung out with for almost a semester and a half.
Now, I'm all alone again. Hahahaha... seems ironic that at the end of the day, despite expending effort to be nice and friendly and whatever, I'm still being isolated from the main populace, partially by my own actions, and partially by the actions of the people who are around me.
So, homework was a pain. Like, seriously, a real pain. There's always so much to do, and so little time to do them; it could be because of the over-loading that I've done in order to play catch-up. Probably the only redeeming thing about it all is that during this emotionally tumultous period, I've found other people who can be my support here. These people may not understand me fully (but who does, really?), but they provide the listening ear and human presence that my life so desperately needs. It's quite interesting, how alliances shift almost daily.
I've re-read the translation of Sun Tzu's Art of War. Time to move on in life... everything's only a little set back, and being the fighter that I naturally am, I should be able to bounce back and re-take on the world. Nevermind what people say/think/care; I will do what is necesary.
That said, I feel so much more detached to my life, which is strangely fascinating. I mean that while I am here and there's so much pressure and stuff, I have this sudden calmness that has appeared out of nowhere and feel as though I am on top of things. Hopefully, this is indeed a good thing.
Okay, it's 0140hrs now... and I need to go swimming at about 0700hrs, which means that I should be sleeping now if I want to be able to swim without sinking.
Ciao.
Monday, April 09, 2007
Momenta
The problem with momentum is that once it starts up, it becomes hard to stop. And so, the momentum build up from over 3 weeks of emotional turmoil has finally reached a state that is more or less of a close. So closes yet another saga and the begin of another chapter in life.
It's quite strange to realise that after so many things that have been tried, done, explored and the like, it appears that the "old" ways of doing things are still the ones that are relevant. I mean, after doing all kinds of strange inner searching (and zombification over the last 3 weeks), I realise that the MBTI classification that I belong to is curiously right (wikipedia article's content notwithstanding).
Time to relive the life that I was meant to have lived. Need to recover from the unexpected diversion from the turmulent emotional responses.
Anyway, this week is going to be an interesting week. I'll be off to Washington DC for the Cherry Blossom Festival on Saturday; I may end up posting some pictures here and on facebook. Till then, adios... me need to sleep so that I can go swimming at about 7am. I'll probably have a longer rant later in the day.
It's quite strange to realise that after so many things that have been tried, done, explored and the like, it appears that the "old" ways of doing things are still the ones that are relevant. I mean, after doing all kinds of strange inner searching (and zombification over the last 3 weeks), I realise that the MBTI classification that I belong to is curiously right (wikipedia article's content notwithstanding).
Time to relive the life that I was meant to have lived. Need to recover from the unexpected diversion from the turmulent emotional responses.
Anyway, this week is going to be an interesting week. I'll be off to Washington DC for the Cherry Blossom Festival on Saturday; I may end up posting some pictures here and on facebook. Till then, adios... me need to sleep so that I can go swimming at about 7am. I'll probably have a longer rant later in the day.
Wednesday, April 04, 2007
Desire
Desire—Deepak Chopra (ft Demi Moore)This song sounds so good, with all the sentimental bits, a bit like how I feel when well, I'm near some people. *shrugs* It's part of Buddha Bar II - Dinner. So there.
A lover knows only humility, he has no choice.
He steals into your alley at night, he has no choice.
He longs to kiss every lock of your hair, don't fret, he has no choice.
In his frenzied love for you, he longs to break the chains of his imprisonment, he has no choice.
A lover asked his beloved:
—Do you love yourself more than you love me?
Beloved replied: I have died to myself and I live for you.
I've disappeared from myself and my attributes,
I am present only for you
I've forgotten all my learnings,
But knowing you I've become a scholar.
I've lost all my strength, but from your power I am able.
I love myself... I love you.
I love you... I love myself.
I am your lover, come to my side,
I will open the gate to your love.
Come settle with me, let us be neighbours to the stars.
You have been hiding so long, endlessly drifting in the sea of my love.
Even so, you have always been connected to me.
Concealed, revealed, in the unknown, in the un-manifest.
I am life itself.
You have been a prisoner of a little pond,
I am the ocean and its turbulent flood.
Come merge with me,
Leave this world of ignorance,
Be with me, I will open the gate to your love.
I desire you more than food or drink
My body my senses my mind hunger for your taste
I can sense your presence in my heart
Although you belong to all the world
I wait with silent passion for one gesture one glance from you.
Sunday, April 01, 2007
First April Woes
Why do I keep on thinking that I want someone to be with me forever? Is this normal over the course of growing up, or is it some form of natural reaction being surrounded by people who are all getting hitched?
Maybe I'll never know.
Maybe I'll never know.
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