她，曾经是我天空中的月亮。她，曾经是我生命中的一个光芒。她，曾经是我活在世上的理由。她，曾经是我梦中想要陪到老的人。从我见到她的那一刻起，心中已有一种从来没有跟受过的感觉。或许是幻想，或许是迷惑，只知当时有如爱情般的甜美感。
“不在乎天长地久，只在乎曾经拥有”，这句话，我用了好几遍。说它是心里话吧，也不算。说它是个理想，也不是。或许它只是个空虚的话，说来安慰一下自己，让自己觉得人生并不像现实中的那么黑暗。迷惑，一个“情”字的迷惑。“情”给予我力量创作，“情”也带给我无从的心理伤害。为了一个“情”字，不知浪费了多少岁月时光，不知让自己遭受了多少心里打击。但，我依然像往常的愚昧，还是像一个无底洞钻。
“问世间情为何物？”曾经对情的理想，如今已成了昨日的幻想。以前的我，对情对谊，是那么的认真，那么的诚恳。但是，现在的我已经无法感受到当年的感觉。人性的转变是永恒，当年的好朋友，也能成为今天的敌人。对人真恳，并不代表人会对你认真。人心难测，又怎么知道谁是真的朋友呢？
然而，她，人们开口闭口的她，又似乎是人之常情的另一端。在人海中，某某她显得很突出，让人一见钟情。但，爱她也好，恨她也好，你又怎么知道她对你的意思呢？她对你的笑，可能是一种暗号，表示当你为朋友而已。她陪你吃饭，或许是表示你对她的情就像那最后一餐，从此各分东西。爱情，不是单方面的，在这科技占有的都市社会中，这简单的道理已变得越来越模糊了。科技让我们很容易的与人沟通，而这沟通也让我们轻易误解对方的意思，造成许多让人很难堪的场面。
我已不敢爱了。我所知道的爱，是属于当年的定义。我所知道的谊，也只不过是自己欺骗自己而已。人生单独过着，虽然会有点孤单，但至少自己能为自己活着。人生其中的一个意义是为了爱，但爱不是唯一能让人活下去的意义。或许时间久了，我就能找出一个属于自己的理由，让自己开开心心的活下去。也或者我能继续迷惑自己，告诉自己总有一天，我会明白爱为何物。
Thursday, November 30, 2006
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
The Reality of It All
Funny what a little thing can do to one's psyche. After watching 一リットルの涙 and タイヨのうた, I'm starting to abstract myself away from my surroundings again. Looking around me, I realise that family is family after all; despite all the cordiality that people accord to me when I'm around, you still feel a little left out. This has something to do with the difference in culture, I guess. This is true even among those who are Asian of lineage. They may look like Asians on the outside (and probably are, based on genetics and other "objective" forms of measurement), but their behaviour is surprisingly American (what's new?), as in the way they act, think and do reflects the predominant culture here. And yes, they never fail to remind you that you are still, a foreigner in the lands, even though you might be speaking the same language and look similar to them.
And the age. That little disparity did not occur much before, but the difference in age and depth of thought is starting to show up more prominently now, after almost a whole semester of interaction. The kids here can be really whiney sometimes, but apart from that whiney-ness, there's also a general lackadaisical attitude towards the entire idea of studying in general. I humbly call this the "high school effect", where they are still living in their world of high school where everything is fun and games, and they have no real concept of the "real" world. Conversations are generally typical of that of 18-year-olds, and I miss the banter that comes from being in the workforce. Speaking too much kiddy talk does really weird things to my brain, and I'm suddenly drawn back to my basic isolationism policy with regards to handling people. I long for a real decent real life real world conversation, but I don't think that I'm going to be expecting much of that for some time to come. Listening to some of their explanations and arguments sometimes make me shake my head; watching them trying to shoot down my explanations based on real experience just makes me shake my head in wonder. Guess that sometimes, somethings need to be learnt the hard way.
*sigh*
So many complaints about things, so little that I can do about it. Anyway, I figure that my relationship status is as great as before (read: none in existence), and will likely to stay that way, considering the fact that there does not seem to exist a suitable person who is "my type". Guess most of them are still girls in their own right, and thus act the way they do. This makes me think back about the failed attempts I have in the past. Well, to a large degree, it could have been pure rashness on my part, but I figure that the girls I asked out were girls who don't really treat my feelings real enough. Girls will be girls, and I don't think that I'm going to get involved in any such things for a long time to come. A*STAR will be so pleased.
And I've been recently shot down on the quality of my poetry. Honestly, I don't give a damn if people don't like my poetry; it's mine and mine alone, and I choose to write it in anyway I see fit. If people enjoy them, that's good; if they don't, then too bad. I'm happy just writing poems as and when I feel like it. Which makes me wonder if the compliments that I've been receiving all these while are really compliments or just comments made to humour me. Or it could be another subterfuge of the locals trying to "prove" American superiority in the use of the English language. This... subtle "proof" of American superiority is occurring so often that it's not even funny anymore; should I consider this as some form of prejudice? I mean, it is okay to be proud of one's nation's achievements, but isn't it a bit xenophobic to just shoot off degenerating another person's culture? Perhaps degenerate is a tad too strong, let's say tease. Well, for the most part, the teasing is in good fun, but sometimes, the covert meaning of the tease is starting to irk even me.
And NaNoWriMo is a disaster. I found that... I just couldn't write anything. Totally nothing. Zero. Nil. Nada. Nadir. Totally and completely without anything to write. The words and ideas just didn't want to come out. I feel miserable that I've failed in this task that I deemed to be not too hard to complete. Maybe novel writing will remain as a "one day" affair; one day I'll write a novel.
And as I type all these, it's actually 3.40 am in Pittsburgh, USA, and I'm having a Calculus test in like 6 hours. I guess I should stop and go and sleep now. Maybe more mulling will shed new light to how to interpret the current environment and thus how to react. But meanwhile, I'll just maintain a cheerful outlook to the world, and wonder miserably inside what's going wrong. And time is ticking... just less than two months before I stretch the age gap even further.
And the age. That little disparity did not occur much before, but the difference in age and depth of thought is starting to show up more prominently now, after almost a whole semester of interaction. The kids here can be really whiney sometimes, but apart from that whiney-ness, there's also a general lackadaisical attitude towards the entire idea of studying in general. I humbly call this the "high school effect", where they are still living in their world of high school where everything is fun and games, and they have no real concept of the "real" world. Conversations are generally typical of that of 18-year-olds, and I miss the banter that comes from being in the workforce. Speaking too much kiddy talk does really weird things to my brain, and I'm suddenly drawn back to my basic isolationism policy with regards to handling people. I long for a real decent real life real world conversation, but I don't think that I'm going to be expecting much of that for some time to come. Listening to some of their explanations and arguments sometimes make me shake my head; watching them trying to shoot down my explanations based on real experience just makes me shake my head in wonder. Guess that sometimes, somethings need to be learnt the hard way.
*sigh*
So many complaints about things, so little that I can do about it. Anyway, I figure that my relationship status is as great as before (read: none in existence), and will likely to stay that way, considering the fact that there does not seem to exist a suitable person who is "my type". Guess most of them are still girls in their own right, and thus act the way they do. This makes me think back about the failed attempts I have in the past. Well, to a large degree, it could have been pure rashness on my part, but I figure that the girls I asked out were girls who don't really treat my feelings real enough. Girls will be girls, and I don't think that I'm going to get involved in any such things for a long time to come. A*STAR will be so pleased.
And I've been recently shot down on the quality of my poetry. Honestly, I don't give a damn if people don't like my poetry; it's mine and mine alone, and I choose to write it in anyway I see fit. If people enjoy them, that's good; if they don't, then too bad. I'm happy just writing poems as and when I feel like it. Which makes me wonder if the compliments that I've been receiving all these while are really compliments or just comments made to humour me. Or it could be another subterfuge of the locals trying to "prove" American superiority in the use of the English language. This... subtle "proof" of American superiority is occurring so often that it's not even funny anymore; should I consider this as some form of prejudice? I mean, it is okay to be proud of one's nation's achievements, but isn't it a bit xenophobic to just shoot off degenerating another person's culture? Perhaps degenerate is a tad too strong, let's say tease. Well, for the most part, the teasing is in good fun, but sometimes, the covert meaning of the tease is starting to irk even me.
And NaNoWriMo is a disaster. I found that... I just couldn't write anything. Totally nothing. Zero. Nil. Nada. Nadir. Totally and completely without anything to write. The words and ideas just didn't want to come out. I feel miserable that I've failed in this task that I deemed to be not too hard to complete. Maybe novel writing will remain as a "one day" affair; one day I'll write a novel.
And as I type all these, it's actually 3.40 am in Pittsburgh, USA, and I'm having a Calculus test in like 6 hours. I guess I should stop and go and sleep now. Maybe more mulling will shed new light to how to interpret the current environment and thus how to react. But meanwhile, I'll just maintain a cheerful outlook to the world, and wonder miserably inside what's going wrong. And time is ticking... just less than two months before I stretch the age gap even further.
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
Thoughts of the Day
I wonder, how many mistakes does one need to make in order to learn that one has made a mistake? Sometimes we can be so unaware of the things that we do, until we actually sit down and think it through, figuring out what we have done, and what we have said, to really understand the gravity of it all.
Well, I made at least one arrogant remark today. I guess I need to really curb myself from doing such a horrid thing. But, the issue here is, how do I do that without over-humbling myself to the point that I'm actually in self-pity? An interesting problem to contemplate indeed.
There are many things that one wants to do over the lifetime. A lifetime, though seemingly long, is really short, considering that there are so many things that we need to do, as opposed to want to do. It has been said that to be really good at something, one needs to dedicate at least 10 years of actually "doing" it in order to attain the required level of competency. Looking back at myself, I realise that there are only a few things that I've been doing for at least 10 years, amongst which includes writing poems, computer programming, cryptography, algorithms, playing my 笛子, doing Mathematics, and doing Mandarin. Coming here, so far away from home, has seemed to have reduced the number of activities that I can do well in, but that doesn't mean that I don't try. I'll write as many poems as I can, write as many programs as I can, speak Mandarin whenever I can, and play my 笛子 when Michael brings them over from Singapore for me.
Of course, there are other things that I know I cannot do well now, but that doesn't mean that I give up. I can't really draw well, so I'll learn it; I've got another 10 years to be competent in it. Compared to the others, I'll not be good at drawing still, even after the 10 years, but then again, not everyone can be equally good at everything at the same time. The most important thing is not being the best at everything, but being good enough at everything. The things that we love and have done well in, should be kept at the same level as we did, and perhaps bring it even higher, making use of cross-disciplinary knowledge that we gather from our forays into other fields to further our understanding in our own pet fields.
I guess, that should be the way that we proceed with our life.
Well, I made at least one arrogant remark today. I guess I need to really curb myself from doing such a horrid thing. But, the issue here is, how do I do that without over-humbling myself to the point that I'm actually in self-pity? An interesting problem to contemplate indeed.
There are many things that one wants to do over the lifetime. A lifetime, though seemingly long, is really short, considering that there are so many things that we need to do, as opposed to want to do. It has been said that to be really good at something, one needs to dedicate at least 10 years of actually "doing" it in order to attain the required level of competency. Looking back at myself, I realise that there are only a few things that I've been doing for at least 10 years, amongst which includes writing poems, computer programming, cryptography, algorithms, playing my 笛子, doing Mathematics, and doing Mandarin. Coming here, so far away from home, has seemed to have reduced the number of activities that I can do well in, but that doesn't mean that I don't try. I'll write as many poems as I can, write as many programs as I can, speak Mandarin whenever I can, and play my 笛子 when Michael brings them over from Singapore for me.
Of course, there are other things that I know I cannot do well now, but that doesn't mean that I give up. I can't really draw well, so I'll learn it; I've got another 10 years to be competent in it. Compared to the others, I'll not be good at drawing still, even after the 10 years, but then again, not everyone can be equally good at everything at the same time. The most important thing is not being the best at everything, but being good enough at everything. The things that we love and have done well in, should be kept at the same level as we did, and perhaps bring it even higher, making use of cross-disciplinary knowledge that we gather from our forays into other fields to further our understanding in our own pet fields.
I guess, that should be the way that we proceed with our life.
Sunday, November 26, 2006
Broken Promises, one by one
A promise made, a promise break. That seems to be the way that I am doing things now. Why? Why did I turn into this, untrustworthy fellow? I never did rescinded on what I promised, but now, it seems common place that I just miss the targets that I set.
I promised Irene to build the photomosaic, but I didn't.
I promised SK that I'd complete the experiment and write the paper, but I didn't.
I promised Nicole to write to her, but I've stopped.
I promised myself to complete NaNoWriMo, but I didn't.
Why? Why? What have I turned into? Why am I suddenly such a breaker of promises? What caused me to turn into this... abomination? When will I start to make my promises worthed it's weight in gold again?
I promised Irene to build the photomosaic, but I didn't.
I promised SK that I'd complete the experiment and write the paper, but I didn't.
I promised Nicole to write to her, but I've stopped.
I promised myself to complete NaNoWriMo, but I didn't.
Why? Why? What have I turned into? Why am I suddenly such a breaker of promises? What caused me to turn into this... abomination? When will I start to make my promises worthed it's weight in gold again?
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
Kitchen: Operational
And so, my kitchen is now operational. Check out the basic equipment that I've gotten for it:
My kitchen outfit with everything needed.
Things currently residing in larder.
Some other useful stuff residing in larder.
My utensils drawer, with basic equipment.
Close-up of my stove and the pot and pan and the cutting board and the cooking oil.
Basic condiment shelf.
First meal ever made in the kitchen.
There are lots of other stuff that are not in the picture, like the onions, potatoes, bean sprouts and eggs, which are all well hidden in my refridgerator.
Kitchen operational!
My kitchen outfit with everything needed.
Things currently residing in larder.
Some other useful stuff residing in larder.
My utensils drawer, with basic equipment.
Close-up of my stove and the pot and pan and the cutting board and the cooking oil.
Basic condiment shelf.
First meal ever made in the kitchen.
There are lots of other stuff that are not in the picture, like the onions, potatoes, bean sprouts and eggs, which are all well hidden in my refridgerator.
Kitchen operational!
Sunday, November 19, 2006
Fragile Life
Life... it's so fragile. Most of us think that we get a really bad deal at life; there are things that we want to do but are not allowed to do, or that people don't really want to listen to us or they don't seem to want to care. But we are all mostly healthy; we can run, jump, stand, crouch, all at will. We are mentally sound, we can go anywhere, anytime as we please. There are so many people out there who have a worser deal than us at life; a brilliant mind trapped in a defective body, a defective mind trapped in an able body. Who are we to complain about our lot in life when we are still in control of what we do?
Life, our life, is not a bad deal. We are mostly in control of what we do, from what we think to what we can do. With control comes responsibility. We are responsible for what happens in our life, and not put the blame on others or even a higher authority if things don't go the way that we want it to be. To be able to breathe the fresh air, to run in the warm sunshine, and to be around the people you love everyday, is a blessing; it is the good deal in life. Imagine a day when your body starts to fail you, bit by bit, while your mind is still alert. Imagine that day, that when you see the doctor, and he/she says that he/she doesn't know of any way of curing you. Imagine that day, where the people whom you care about doesn't care about you anymore. Imagine the day that you push those who care you away, so that you cannot see the sadness in their faces. The frustrations, the pain, the anguish; how can one complain that having a failing grade for a test means a bad deal in life?
I thought I had a raw deal at life. Having skin allergies since young, having poor social skills in general, not having a significant other; I thought those were really bad. But it's really miniscule. My skin allergies are milder now, and are not causing much of a distraction or hindrance, I have a small group of people who believe in me and in what I can do, I am still in control of my mental and physical faculties. I can go to college to study, eat out with a group of friends, play on my ocarina, type on Edythe, do Math problems, write computer programs, crack jokes, play games, sleep, wake up, lift heavy objects, run, jump, sing. What kinda raw deal is that?
"1 Litre of Tears", a short and simple story about a real girl suffering from a real disease that robs her of herself painfully, by reducing the things that she can do. Struggling till the very end, not giving up till the fight's over, Aya perserveres, diligently writing her diary up to the very end. She keeps on walking, even as she starts to lose control over her legs, even if it meant that she'd be late for class, even if it meant that it requires a lot of effort just to move. During a late progression of the disease, when she realises that she cannot stand or walk anymore and that she feels that there is nothing else that she can do or live for, her Okaasan told her, that she still has her writing, her diary, the words that she has penned down daily without fail. It is not about worrying or wallowing about what you cannot do, but to do what you can do, and to do it to the fullest extent of your ability. "You say that God is being unfair to you by giving you this disease," her Okaasan said, "but if you don't do the things that you can do, aren't you being fair to yourself?" Why should I be sad over what I cannot do when there's so many things that I can do? So what if I don't have a significant other, don't I still have friends around me who still care? Deep and old friends, like Xiaolu, Cui, Jess, Chinghua, new but caring friends like Mo, Phil, Megan, Linda and Paul. Why didn't I treasure their company well? Why am I still wallowing over something so small an insignificant like not having a significant other, and neglecting the fact that I can do so much more than others?
I am not helpless. I can move about freely and think on my own. I am alive. I have time, not a lot of it, but much more than those whose time have been cut short by the powers above. I may not have a lover, but I have friends. Each and every one of my friends care deeply for me, all in their own little idiosyncratic way. I have not been a good friend... all that I could do was to wallow away and to scare them with nonsensical outbursts which where wholly meaningless and selfish. I admit that I... know not the words to say to them. But deep in my heart, seeing them alive, feeling them next to me, hearing their breath, watching them smile or laugh, makes me feel glad. Glad that they, like me, are alive too.
I am not helpless or useless. I've got a job in the wings, a career to look forward to, an opportunity to take up the baton and make a real difference in the lives of people. "Live on," Aya said to Haruto nearing the end, "Live on, forever!" With a future so bright, why am I thinking nasty and destructive thoughts about myself? I've got a father who is proud of me, a mother (who'll never admit out loud) that she too is proud of me. I've got a sister who cares about me too, even though she too will never say it out loud. I've got an orchestra full of friends who support me, who wish me well, who are waiting for me to go back and make music with them once again. I've got other old friends, JJ, Joanne, Jon, Ding Ding, Victor, Kelvin, KX, MW, YT, who are all rooting for me. I will not worry about what I don't have, but cherish what that I have now.
Life... it's so fragile. The moment we are born, we are already counting down on an unknown timer to the very end. The past is always behind us, the future is always yet to be. We know our past, and plan our future, but... we should always live in the now. The Present. Here. No one knows when it's their time to go, no one knows how when that time comes they will go. We are all able bodied with good mental faculties; we are in company of each other. Cherish those that are around, for it is the strength in this love and bond that makes life worth living.
Life, our life, is not a bad deal. We are mostly in control of what we do, from what we think to what we can do. With control comes responsibility. We are responsible for what happens in our life, and not put the blame on others or even a higher authority if things don't go the way that we want it to be. To be able to breathe the fresh air, to run in the warm sunshine, and to be around the people you love everyday, is a blessing; it is the good deal in life. Imagine a day when your body starts to fail you, bit by bit, while your mind is still alert. Imagine that day, that when you see the doctor, and he/she says that he/she doesn't know of any way of curing you. Imagine that day, where the people whom you care about doesn't care about you anymore. Imagine the day that you push those who care you away, so that you cannot see the sadness in their faces. The frustrations, the pain, the anguish; how can one complain that having a failing grade for a test means a bad deal in life?
I thought I had a raw deal at life. Having skin allergies since young, having poor social skills in general, not having a significant other; I thought those were really bad. But it's really miniscule. My skin allergies are milder now, and are not causing much of a distraction or hindrance, I have a small group of people who believe in me and in what I can do, I am still in control of my mental and physical faculties. I can go to college to study, eat out with a group of friends, play on my ocarina, type on Edythe, do Math problems, write computer programs, crack jokes, play games, sleep, wake up, lift heavy objects, run, jump, sing. What kinda raw deal is that?
"1 Litre of Tears", a short and simple story about a real girl suffering from a real disease that robs her of herself painfully, by reducing the things that she can do. Struggling till the very end, not giving up till the fight's over, Aya perserveres, diligently writing her diary up to the very end. She keeps on walking, even as she starts to lose control over her legs, even if it meant that she'd be late for class, even if it meant that it requires a lot of effort just to move. During a late progression of the disease, when she realises that she cannot stand or walk anymore and that she feels that there is nothing else that she can do or live for, her Okaasan told her, that she still has her writing, her diary, the words that she has penned down daily without fail. It is not about worrying or wallowing about what you cannot do, but to do what you can do, and to do it to the fullest extent of your ability. "You say that God is being unfair to you by giving you this disease," her Okaasan said, "but if you don't do the things that you can do, aren't you being fair to yourself?" Why should I be sad over what I cannot do when there's so many things that I can do? So what if I don't have a significant other, don't I still have friends around me who still care? Deep and old friends, like Xiaolu, Cui, Jess, Chinghua, new but caring friends like Mo, Phil, Megan, Linda and Paul. Why didn't I treasure their company well? Why am I still wallowing over something so small an insignificant like not having a significant other, and neglecting the fact that I can do so much more than others?
I am not helpless. I can move about freely and think on my own. I am alive. I have time, not a lot of it, but much more than those whose time have been cut short by the powers above. I may not have a lover, but I have friends. Each and every one of my friends care deeply for me, all in their own little idiosyncratic way. I have not been a good friend... all that I could do was to wallow away and to scare them with nonsensical outbursts which where wholly meaningless and selfish. I admit that I... know not the words to say to them. But deep in my heart, seeing them alive, feeling them next to me, hearing their breath, watching them smile or laugh, makes me feel glad. Glad that they, like me, are alive too.
I am not helpless or useless. I've got a job in the wings, a career to look forward to, an opportunity to take up the baton and make a real difference in the lives of people. "Live on," Aya said to Haruto nearing the end, "Live on, forever!" With a future so bright, why am I thinking nasty and destructive thoughts about myself? I've got a father who is proud of me, a mother (who'll never admit out loud) that she too is proud of me. I've got a sister who cares about me too, even though she too will never say it out loud. I've got an orchestra full of friends who support me, who wish me well, who are waiting for me to go back and make music with them once again. I've got other old friends, JJ, Joanne, Jon, Ding Ding, Victor, Kelvin, KX, MW, YT, who are all rooting for me. I will not worry about what I don't have, but cherish what that I have now.
Life... it's so fragile. The moment we are born, we are already counting down on an unknown timer to the very end. The past is always behind us, the future is always yet to be. We know our past, and plan our future, but... we should always live in the now. The Present. Here. No one knows when it's their time to go, no one knows how when that time comes they will go. We are all able bodied with good mental faculties; we are in company of each other. Cherish those that are around, for it is the strength in this love and bond that makes life worth living.
Saturday, November 18, 2006
１リットルの涙
１リットルの涙 (Ichi Rittoru no Namida). One Litre of Tears. By 沢尻エリカ (Sawajiri Erika).
I just spent 11 hours watching this 11 episode series. It's... a very touching story. If you want to watch a drama that can (and will) inspire you to live on, then you must watch this drama series.
For a good introduction to this drama, see here.
I hate to admit it, but I did shed tears in some of the scenes in the episodes...
Watch it if you can... you won't regret it.
I just spent 11 hours watching this 11 episode series. It's... a very touching story. If you want to watch a drama that can (and will) inspire you to live on, then you must watch this drama series.
For a good introduction to this drama, see here.
I hate to admit it, but I did shed tears in some of the scenes in the episodes...
Watch it if you can... you won't regret it.
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