Overzealous Dumbass I Am.

Hot-bloodedness leads to overzealousness, which no one seems to appreciate except for those who are happy to see one's downfall. Part of my character, is to be really energetic in doing things; it is fairly rare to see me do anything with less than all the fervour that I can muster.

Bridge burning and all that I have said earlier are just hogwash; they are all lame excuses to cover up for the fact that ultimately, it is my overzealousness that turns people off. My zeal in getting things done come about as pure arrogance, my high interest levels in things make people feel irritated/intimidated/irked, and they start to leave, one by one.

I can sit down and say that those who leave don't matter, but who am I cheating? One person may be wrong, but a whole group of them can't all be wrong at the same time, particularly from the fact that they are not all from the same social circles. This is probably the single thing that makes me as hateful as anything else could.

Sometimes, I just don't want to be anymore and go back to a more mundane existence, but that is just silly dreaming. I'm already here, so it is just time to move on. I can no longer turn back the clock.

Sadness seeps deep into me and makes me feel like I'm about to fall apart.

Me in a Kilt!

It has been a while since I last wrote anything in here, and rightly so too. I had a pretty trashy week earlier, and thus didn't really have the heart nor the energy to actually want to write stuff down. But that is really besides the point.

I commented in an earlier post that I was in the Kiltie Band. Part of the fun of being in the Kiltie Band is the ability to wear... kilts! Check it out!

And on another note, check out this nice picture that my Design friend Silvia took for her project on Still Life:


That's all that I feel like writing now.

Some other time then...

Semi-Auto-Typing

Alright, I'm going to engage in semi-auto-typing mode, where I don't really control and limit what my fingers are doing with the keyboard. If the written output is incoherent, I do not claim responsibility for it. Here goes:

So this week was something that I find to be really interesting. I have managed to start on things that I never thought that I would do, like actually going for a party that was held by a fraternity. Then there are so many other things that I have done, like freaking people out yet again. These things somehow keep on remanifesting themselves again and again, despite the fact that I am trying to get a grip on what is going on. Except that now, I don't really give a damn anymore. I am not going to let myself be dominated by society's outlandish views on how I am supposed to behave; as long as I do not break any law nor do I harm anyone, I don't see a reason why I need to conform.

I am a nonconformist. That is probably something that I should have acknowledged and embraced so long ago. I never follow the path that people take most often, preferring to travel on roads less travelled upon, carving my own road through life, facing all the hardness that most people don't even bother to go through. Granted, each encounter will leave me more battle-worn, but that doesn't stop me from trying my hardest to beat myself to the ground through all these challenges that I throw myself into. What I once thought of myself doesn't matter anymore; it is what I see myself as now that matters the most. I might have been a person who was afraid of standing up for what I feel, allowing myself to be bossed over by the many people who have the power over me, but now I resolve to make myself the way that I deem fit. I realise that the world doesn't give a damn whether you are a good person or not; it is often of your own interest with regards whether you should do something or not. If being obnoxious means that I can be truer to myself and not let others lord over me for no reason, then so be it. If people cannot tolerate my arrogant ways of accomplishing my tasks, then so be it.

I stand by my own accomplishments and look with disdain at the legions of younglings before my feet who think that they know much better. I have been through all the trials that they haven't, so I do not see a reason why I need to appeal to their immature ways. If they appeal to logic and reason, then I will listen, otherwise they are but mere pests who buzz around trying to irritate the behemoth enough so as to allow it to collapse under its own weight. I am not that clueless juggernaut. I may be behind by 2 years because of my National Service obligations, but that does not put me in the same league as the young folks that I go to school with, for I have seen two more years of the sun-rise and sunset with which they have not seen. That two years of age is enough justification for me to truly know that I should be more confident of my abilities than to be less of my insecurities.

Arrogance is my nature, and it will always be so, no matter how attenuated it has become. The arrogant will often be the one who will walk away from the fray alive and in one piece, only if he knows the extent with which he should use his arrogance. He who conforms all the time, has no spine, and is not worth the effort of sustenance thus given.

I may not be the smartest person alive, but I know that I am among the privileged few who can seriously boast of having several skills housed in one person. I embody the spirit of the warrior, the one who fights always to win, never to back down from a fight, never to surrender, always willing to take up the weapon and do battle like no one has ever done before. I never fear; I am beyond fear, for I know that there are many ways of success other than the one that everyone else is on. I know that I am special in my way, that I can do many things that others can do with great difficulty, that others are deeply jealous of.

I can do without the world, but can the world do without me?

And so ends this auto-typing experiment.

Another Week Has Passed

So another week has passed yet again, and I am sitting here writing yet another odd entry here. Not much has changed, yet there is probably enough to make me want to sit down and regroup a little. The homework load has increased yet again, but it is more or less falling into routine, it is still not that bad. I am actually learning new things as we are going along, and hopefully, I'm not going to suffer this semester as badly as I did in the last.

Which brings me to an interesting question to think about. Am I really cut out for a PhD in Computer Science? Is there some kind of hidden score/marker that determines if someone has the chops to go for a PhD programme? This worry has been niggling at the back of mind for quite a while now, since as a sophomore, I'm more or less half-way through my undergraduate programme. At Carnegie Mellon, I don't feel particularly bright—overworked is probably a more apt description than anything else. My academic advisor also seems to be giving me the impression that I'm not that smart, at least, as compared to the other brilliant folks who are walking around campus. This, of course, has cast some doubts on my own abilities.

I hope to be able to come to a decent enough conclusion and idea by the end of this semester, then it is off to get my thing done so that I can do some good for myself. In other news, I've started to take my flute-playing a little more seriously, and am actually trying to practise the pieces which are traditionally for the flute (and not just the marching band stuff). It'll take a while, but I'm sure that at the end of it all, I'm probably going to do some good with it. Miyazawa flutes seem kind of interesting; they actually have a B-foot. And yes, they are professional quality flutes, something which I probably won't be touching for quite a while, at least until I feel that I'm ready enough skills-wise to justify the cost of actually owning one of this. I've put in a request for the price catalogue, and so it should be coming in soon enough for me to actually take a look (and drool) and wonder when I should get them.

In yet other news, I'm surprised that the deactivation of my facebook account haven't done too much damage to me; I'm neither feeling bored, nor am I feeling sad that I can no longer keep in touch with my "friends". I think that this is a good thing; it probably shows that I'm starting to leave the whole "virtual" thing behind and am trying to step back into the world that I am a part of. Alright, I'm starting to be a little tired of writing, and so it is back to doing whatever I was working on before I decided to write this piece.

Ta.

《我知道你很难过》

Here's an interesting song that popped up from my playlist:

《我知道你很难过》——蔡依林

我知道你很难过
爱一个人 需要缘分
你何苦让自己 越陷越深
别傻得用你的天真
去碰触不安的灵魂
每一天只能痴痴的等

爱一个人 别太认真
你受伤的眼神 令人心痛
没有一个人 非要另一个人 才能过一生
你又何苦逼自己 面对伤痕

我知道你很难过
感情的付出 不是真心就会有结果
别问怎么做 爱才能长久
这道理有一天你会懂

我知道你很难过
昨天是恋人 今天说分说就分手
别问你的痛 要怎么解脱
多情的人注定 伤得比较久
爱若变成了刺 思念也成了痴
也许心碎是爱情最美的样子

No other updates for now. Some other time perhaps?

I Have Deactivated From Facebook

The first step in solving a problem, is admitting that you actually have one. I realise that I no longer have any interest in what my "friends" do on facebook. Most of the things that happen there are just like how they happen in real life; people still do the same act of exclusion. I realise that most of my perceived social problems stem from the vicarious emotions I obtain when I see what other people are doing. At least in real life, I can always ignore what I do not see, but under the omniscience of the social networking tool of facebook, I cannot help but end up knowing things that I do not want to know about.

So, I have deactivated my facebook account. No one will find me there anymore. The mere thought that people that have ruined my life in one way or another are capable of still extending their tentacle of effect on me via a passive medium is something that makes me cringe deeply. In the far future, when I am more comfortable, I might just reactivate the facebook account. I will still keep the blogs for now; at least the talk-back on the blogs are well-regulated by me, and I can still keep it semi-personal.

I will definitely not hesitate to take down the blogs if I realise that they are starting to send me on that downward spiral of negativity as the combined effects of facebook and real-world drama.

On a similar note, I will also be reducing the amount of "online" time I spend on instant messengers. If you (as the reader) have a pressing need to contact me, you should be able to find alternative resources to achieve your goals. There is always the email, the blog comment, the telephone and the snail mail techniques.

I have admitted the problem: I am too reliant on technology to satisfy what is essentially a humanitarian need. That has been the fault with which I am now suffering for. I may be a CS major, but it doesn't mean that I must love the tool that I use for my livelihood.

That's all I have to say for now. The blogs will still be maintained and updated semi-regularly.

Cut Short

The stress is mounting really rapidly, and I am starting to become more than a little disorientated. I have no idea why am I feeling so stressed out, considering the fact that I am still in control of most of what I am doing. Could it be because that I am finally forced to decide on my destiny that I feel so stressed out? Where is all this stress from? Why am I starting to feel so weird all over again? Why?

So many questions, so little answers, and I suddenly realise that I am starting to become very much inarticulate of what I am thinking inside of me. Have I deteriorated, or am I just overly worried about something that isn't quite as happening as I make it out to be? How will I know the solution to this problem?

With each passing day, it seems that I cannot continue to—

A Little Crazy...

I'm just a little crazy at this moment. Hurray...?

梦

在梦里，我似乎看过你。你的微笑，是多么的灿烂，多么的温馨。看见你的眼神时，我心中有一种很温暖的感受。但是，你始终是我的梦中情人，在现实生活中，好像是不可能找到你。我对你来临的期待，是多么的永恒，多么的简单，但造化作弄人，每当我以为在现实生活中已经见到你时，你又跑回我的梦中，犹如你从来就没有在现实生活中出现过。就像我其中一个朋友所说，我想爬到山上大声：“为什么？”

梦，是我活在世上的理由。唯有梦，才有一定的成就，因为人就是为了追寻梦而活下去；我也不例外。唯一不一样的是，我所活的日子往往比普通人的来得更多姿多彩，但在心中，我只想过着一个比较平凡的日子。这个梦想，是否能在这一生中实现吗？

Music, B♭ and E♭

So apparently, my stamina in swimming seems to be improving by leaps and bounds. I can start to swim more confidently in the water, at roughly the same speed as before, but without feeling all kinds of strange strains that I used to feel when I first rekindled my swimming.

Apart from the swimming, my flute skills are also starting to show some kind of improvement. My fingering for the B♭ and E♭ major scales (necessary for all the Kiltie band pieces, probably because of the saxophones and clarinets, which are transpose instruments in E♭ and B♭ respectively) are a little more stable than I started, and I sort of got the hang of the sound of the A major scale (a wonderful scale to play, something which would have been very hard to play on my 笛子). Slowly I will be able to master the intricacies of the western flute, while synthesizing what I know from my 笛子/saxophone/flute/ocarina/harmonica playing to produce a technique that is even more powerful than what is traditionally used (I'm not a traditionalist in terms of playing the instruments).

Oh, did I mention that my pinkies are slowly limbering up through all the practice and stretches that I put them through?

Next up: hard core music theory and composition techniques. Soon, I will have more interesting things to put up. I realised one thing—taking real courses for things that I like tend to end up killing the interest that I have in the subject. I mean, sure, I still can do what I need to do, but all that "regimentation" just makes the whole process more of a chore than something that I enjoy doing. This means that at this point, Computer Science is just an interesting topic; it is no longer my love per se. I'm gravitating back to music, which I fight hard to keep it something fun for me, as opposed to Computer Science, which is still fun, but not as fun as before due to the fact that I am actually going to rely on it to provide for myself in the near future. It seems kind of ironic that I am feeling this way, but it is how it goes, I guess. So despite what KY keeps on telling me ("dude, you should take courses"), I still refuse to take any formal lessons on anything music-related. I will not let another fun subject be killed off by the awful regimentation from the mass-education system.

Alright, I think I've ranted enough. Time to finish up that proof, and then it is off to bed I go.

Peeves

While I do not deny the importance of biology and chemistry (and particularly, of medicine), I am peeved when everyone thinks that those are the only important things in the world. Come on, what's the use of medicine if the engineering didn't exist to help build the drugs that they use in large enough quantities at good enough qualities? What if the science didn't exist to help in the diagnosis? What if the computers weren't invented to help do off-line simulations to test the efficacies of treatments and study the theoretical epidemiology of diseases before they can occur? Wouldn't medicine and medical science regress back into the medieval era?

My point here is not to bash any particular discipline, but to highlight the fact that each field/discipline exists because they contribute to the overall well-being of the human race. It is callous to claim that any single field is more "superior" than any other field; it is just an overzealous attempt by the zealots of the field.

That all said, it is time to talk about other things. So I'm sitting here once again in my room, working on Edythe (this time through Slackware, since as stated in an earlier post, the ssh client on cygwin seems dead). Things are of course going wrong as usual, and that sinking feeling is starting seep in again.

I just feel tired, and even things like writing blog entries doesn't seem to be doing much to alleviate the situation. I may soon turn to some other distraction...

I Walk Alone Always

Heheheh... I think that is high time to say this to myself: Welcome to artificial land, where folks just treat you very nicely only when they need you. Am I bitter? A little, I guess, but seriously, I'm starting to get used to this. All this doesn't come without stimuli though; it happened because of two incidents, which I don't want to elaborate here.

I have walked alone before; I am walking alone now. No reason that I should feel anything different or weird about that. I'm still a gaijin here anyways, so it is time to get my groove back and run things the way that I want it, nevermind about other folks. If other folks don't care about how I feel, I can always reciprocate the feeling.

Alright, enough of random rantings. My old words still ring true: Friends come, friends go. I stand strong in the face of adversity and did it my way.

In other news, my ssh on Cygwin suddenly decided to die on me and thus I can no longer connect directly to the various servers using the SSH protocoal. I wonder what the heck has happened.

And now, back to work.