Out of ``Jail''

I'm finally out of ``jail''.

It has been a rough week. It all began with a dull pain in my left eye ball (it's always the left eye ball for some damn reason...) on Sunday. Might be mild irritation (it happens every now and then), so no sweat---I'll just wait it out.

At the end of the day, it was still having pain. And it was red. Naphcon-A was doing magic, but I was tearing up like a mofo. A quick check with the torchlight angled against the surface of my cornea was showing me some rather uncomfortable cloudiness on the edge where it meets sclera.

I've seen that shit before when I had corneal abrasions. It was not a good sign. Time to see the ophthalmologist. Earliest was Monday afternoon when they open, but it was important to make an appointment. Sunday night was not what I was expecting, but mum was worried/adamant, and managed to get through---turns out that staff had the fixed line office number forwarded to her cellphone, and was curious due to the persistent calls. Appointment was made, and I spent the next morning setting out standing instructions to my team as I worked from home, waiting till it was time for my appointment.

Ophthalmologist was finally met, diagnosis of borderline keratitis given, eyedrops containing steroids, as well as several antibiotics to reduce chances of infection were provided, and sick leave for three days was given. Photosensitivity was a bitch, and I was tearing up here and there, and the eye was still red.

I could only rest at home till the first follow up on Wednesday morning.

In between resting, I had to take a break from taking a break, and from that I was just checking in on my work phone just to keep a track on the pulse of things that were happening.

So much happened that I got even more tired from that.

Wednesday follow up came and went. Another two days of sick leave was provided for more rest, and I took them. Meds are doing their magic, but things take time to heal. And I have developed a weird cough in the mean-time due to God knows what---too much random phlegm or something?

Today is Saturday. There's a performance this evening that I'm involved in. I've got to get into shape for it. Playing through with a cough only because I'm probably the best dizi player that is in the orchestra that can handle all the nonsense that is needed for the pizzazz. There was also an out-of-the-blue invitation to an acquaintance's wedding luncheon that I turned down because I had to run errands in the morning of today, and that was before I was kept in ``jail'' due to my busted up eye ball.

Last week and a bit before, Xiaolu came back to town for a visit. It was unexpected, but very welcome. We caught up on old times, lamented about what being forty meant, and shared about our fears and what passes as hopes for the future. I had been in a slump for the past few years, and having her come in at just this time was in many ways a God-send. Maybe there will be better confidence in taking the paths that I have in mind, or maybe I'll just end up ``existing'' the way I have been for the past six to seven years. In either case, I am glad she showed up when she did, even though the circumstance that she was operating from was unsafe.

Anyway, that's about it. I'm not dead yet, and tomorrow's March.

Where the hell did the time go?

A Small February Thought

Ah, it's now February. Well actually, more than a week into February proper.

What a luxury!

Anyway, what's there to say?

I think the main thing to talk about is how the modern world is increasingly unstable in its nature. Not a day passes without some major news from the Great Powers that can affect SIN City, and not a week passes without some news from SIN City itself that makes one stare very hard into the sky and wondering out loud: why.

But through it all, there's always this glimmer of hope from God knows where. In the bits of gloom and doom, people are still getting married, some are having children (that's plural), and many others are still planning for the future, what with their own goals, ambitions, aspirations, and even thinking about things as far ahead as retirement.

Me? Not so sure about that. World's too bleak. My own mood waxes and wanes---there'll be a week where I feel like I should just go kill myself, and then there'll be a week where I feel like I am a Champion who can thrash anything that comes my way. In between, life just happens, and a day passes without much to crow or complain about.

But through it all, I just find myself flying solo. Technically, God is also there, but even as Jesus is my personal saviour, He mainly guides through the Holy Spirit who indwells me---I still need to live through the life itself. Flying solo has its features: I am almost always with my own thoughts.

For many people, this can be a scary thing, and that is true even for me, even when I'm actually used to being with my own thoughts. The thing is, while it can be quite comfortable to be aware of what one is thinking at any time, it also loses quite a bit of the comfort-ing when one is in distress, which is usually the times where I get a little envious of how some folks have that significant other who can hold them and comfort them, telling them in a visceral way that things are what they are, that they are still safe-ish, and that they are there for them.

I don't really have that. It can be tiring at times to not have that, but well, it's a life that I have chosen. Do I hope that I will be ``found''? Maybe, but it has the same amount and nature of hope that I have in winning the lottery, considering that I do not partake in it.

------

These days, my vexations revolve around the general thoughts that the so-called ``career'' that I have chosen is fast reaching its natural end of life in terms of exploitable usefulness.

For the confused, allow me to explain.

I love computers---these machines are fun to work with, and the ability to wield such powerful computational devices through careful programming to solve difficult problems. Accidentally or not, I have made working with computers the manner in which I make myself useful in society as a whole.

But lately, I've been getting signals/vibes that this is no longer something that can be viable in as short as five years. The reason that most people will toss about is ``AI'', but the reality is that I think we have reached a saturation point on the types of [useful] computer programs that we can write.

No one needs yet another social media platform, nor do they need another customer management system.

The saturation of software engineering now is no different from the saturation of electrical engineering or civil engineering---there is never a need for even more companies to do all these.

But problem solvers---we're always in need of more of them. And before I was playing with computers, I was a problem solver. And so that's where I am starting to veer towards.

Maybe I will not have much of a ``career'' left, and it's time to move on to do something that only an older, more jaded man can handle.

------

In other news, Clair Obscur: Expedition 33 has been a blast to play. As an RPG, it plays like a cross between the typical JRPG and some simplified version of Elden Ring with the dodge and parry mechanic. The save points have just enough distance between them for that perfect bite-sized game play that I seek these days as an older gamer.

I think that's about it for now. Chinese New Year is coming up, and I look forward to the break that comes. Maybe I'll have more to talk about then.

Till the next update.