Ally

Looking at the world over the past few days, it made me wonder: what counts as an ally?

Traditionally, there are two main ways for establishing an alliance:

1. Shared interests;
2. Shared ethno-cultural history.

As far as I can tell, for the most part of history, that of shared interests was the dominant factor towards how two or more entities declare themselves as allies. It is only after a certain semblence of peace has settled in that the idea of a shared ethno-cultural history become a viable means of establishing an alliance.

The reason why I am bringing this up because we are fast approaching a turning point in modern world history where peace may be more fleeting than anyone is willing to admit. The key reason I think that is leading us down this path is a confluence of two occurrences: that of the rise of ``leaders'' who think that they can exploit the complacence and lethargy derived from seeing nearly fifty plus years of peace to amass ever-greater amounts of [political] power, and the general malaise that comes from a population where the majority's biggest concerns aren't necessarily about bread-and-butter issues, but on when they can get their next luxury kick fix.

That of exploitative ``leaders'' amassing power to exact their own will to their own benefit is something that is likely to be talked to death by this point. But the malaise of people---that is something that is unironically new. The echo chambers that made some groups of people think that the highly vocal minority are the majority are the same ones that make the people believe that ``someone'' is out there who are going to ``do the right thing to save them''. Ironically, in the old days where communication channels were less ubiquitous, the grassroots movement was likely to be much stronger, as seen by the sheer mass of the organised movements to protest (both peacefully and violently) against the injustices of the day.

Sure, we still have organised movement now, but the scale and the ferocity aren't as they were before. Perhaps the affluence of the middle class has made that level of society feel like that they have much more to lose should they choose to go against the authoritative figures who are dealing out the injustice; this is more so the case when taking into consideration the near elimination of pseudonymity through nearly twenty years of ``social media''.

Or maybe things haven't gotten to the point where the mob finally acknowledges that they truly have nothing else to lose, and therefore they might as well give 'em hell before their lives are absolutely wrecked.

And perhaps a miracle might happen then.

But what do I know, being the armchair ``analyst'' I am?

------

Today's a break day for me. 2025--02 doesn't have any public holidays, and so I just picked some middle-of-the-month Friday to enact my own kind of break day.

I got back into Minecraft, having updated my long-running single player world to 1.21.4, which has a lot of new things for a ``minor version'' update from the 1.20 series.

To be fair, 1.21.4 had been out for quite a while, and it was only in the recent week that I updated to that version. The main reason is that comment I just made: for a ``minor version'' update, there was just too many new things going on under the hood, to the point that some of my favourite Minecraft mods like Fabulously Optimise, Nautilus3D, and even minihud/malilib are barely keeping up.

It reminds me too much of how the Java version worked out. At some point, the major version was so stagnated while the minor version number was racing on to the point that they just dropped the major version number and rebranded the entire thing by the minor version number, which led to nonsense like J2SE 1.4 that is then followed by J2SE 5.

Minecraft version updates aside, I continued with the reworking of my Nether Hub. The rework involved expanding the size of the Nether Hub to fit all the rail-lines on a single expanded floor, and to re-arrange the rail-lines such that they are pointing closer to the actual direction of the destination as opposed to whatever spaghetti nonsense that I had with the two-storey organically mushed together set up.

One of the things that I was wrestling with was the viability to build ``diagonal rails''. Part of the reason why the current Nether Hub rail system is such a mess is because I didn't have a good way of building ``diagonal rails''.

Well, I finally figured it out.

So, the basic diagonal looks like this:

The blocks are staggered out in a regular 45° angle, and the regular rails will automatically align themselves. My nether rails are lined with glass blocks on the side to prevent getting smacked by ghasts due to line of sight, but I cannot do that in this diagonal set up---the corner will literally clip into the minecart as it is going through and end up losing all speed. Glass panes work well, but they didn't connect ``diagonally'' with the blocks making the floor, so I extended out the floor with iron bars, and then have the glass panes sit on them.

That first diagonal was unpowered---momentum and the powered rail before and after the diagonal was enough to keep the minecart moving. I can't just add powered rails to the diagonal due to one particular quirk of Minecraft rails---the powered ones cannot ``bend'' left or right 90° the way the regular rails do.

For the short distance earlier, it was not a problem. But to have an extended diagonal rail without powered rails is just not a good idea. And there's the whole lighting problem---the regular orthogonal rails just had torches on the walls (appearing left when heading towards the Nether Hub, and appearing on the right otherwise). Glass panes solved the diagonal connection problem, but they cannot accept torches.

But I came up with an idea, and this is how it looked like:

I used a redstone block (I'm lazy) every 8-ish blocks along the orthogonal axis and a powered rail to give that kick. It breaks the 45° to something that is more akin to 44-ish°, but it does allow for a very extended run at a speed higher than the orthogonal (~11 blocks/s vs ~8 blocks/s). In a similar vein, every 8-ish blocks along the orthogonal axis have a lighting block (Jack-o-lanterns in my case), and these are interleaved.

Even when the diagonal rails were running through self-dug tunnels like in the picture, it was still necessary to put up the glass panes to take away potential spawn spots---otherwise the zombie pigmenpiglins will start to spawn, and then walk around, blocking the minecart's movement.

And that's about it. The next part requires a diagonal rail, but there's also a height-level difference---I'm wondering if I can find a way to mix these three-axes changes at once.

Till the next update.

Unbotched(?)

Ah... okay, let's start with the good news: Ma's machine is finally working. The updated bill of parts:

Description	Price
Gigabyte B760M DS3H AX DDR4 + Core i5-14400 (μATX) bundle	SGD 492
Seasonic PRIME GX-650, 650W 80+ Gold	SGD 250
Samsung 990 EVO Plus NVMe M.2 SSD 1TB	SGD 159
Total	SGD 901

In short, I hardly saved any money compared to what I previously spent to build the previous version. What I didn't save in money, I saved in some time with data migration. And the amount stated here didn't take into account the taxi fare, and the additional thumb drive that I had to get for Xubuntu installation because my old ones were broken.

So, what went wrong?

I think that m.2 slot with the ``thermal guard'' is borked. In a previous post, I talked about how I broke the NVMe drive that held the operating system of the previous machine. This time, I was smart enough to remove the stickers and what not before slotting it in. It all worked, that is, until I assembled it back together and put it into its stand.

In which case it did not work.

That was back in 2025-01-24, the same day I bought the new SSD.

Due to Chinese New Year nonsense, the machine had to be put away during the visitation season, and it is only today that I could bring myself to do something about it. I tried turning it on as is, hoping that it settled long enough to self-fix---no luck. I reopened everything up, and switched out the SSD to the other m.2 slot without the ``thermal guard'', and what do you know, the fucking thing worked.

Hallelujah!

There's one other oddity left though---the machine can handle cold boots. But throw in a reboot, and it gets stuck in POST.

Why is it so, I haven't the foggiest clue, and am honestly tired af to deal with that shit. I'm just happy that Ma's got a machine back where she can use to watch her streaming video, where the whole privacy situation is more controlled than the household ``smart TV''.

------

Grim Dawn has had quite a big mechanics update---there is a new innate ability to dash in the direction of facing via a key press (defaults to the spacebar with the keyboard+mouse control scheme), and the mana/health potions have been replaced with spells that have time-out instead.

Oh, and they have a new expansion planned too.

I just want to point out that Grim Dawn has been around since 2016, and they are probably rivalling Terraria (2011), and Minecraft (2011) for ``labour of love'' status.

The funny thing about Grim Dawn is that each time after the first playthrough that I look at Path of Exile or more recently at the early access of Path of Exile 2 and wonder if I want to get onto that bandwagon, I just turn back to Grim Dawn instead.

Now, prior to this, my guilty pleasure was Torchlight II. According to Steam, the last time I played it was back in 2018. I suppose I did play the crap out of the game, even buying it for folks too. No idea why I stopped---am going to load it up again to give it a go.

------

Well, apart from that, I must add that I have been having fun with Eirian-VI. Some important points that I learnt:

1. Colour mode works only for native e-book formats (the one I used was .mobi);
2. Comics purchased from Amazon that refused to be installable on the grayscale Kindles could be downloaded to the Colorsoft;
3. PDFs, when converted by Calibre directly to .mobi, look like shit unless each page is rasterised;
4. Use pdfcrop, then use -sDevice=pdfimage24 in Ghostscript before converting to .mobi via Calibre yields the best viewing result (metadata is still shit).

So with all these in mind, do I recommend the Kindle Colorsoft?

Sure, why not? The fast refresh rate, and generally improved responses are always a plus, as is the high resolution that is available. Colour availability is a bonus, and for the most part, shouldn't really be an issue. Most people do not follow my predilection of using PDFs for readables---they tend to use EPUB, and rely heavily on the Kindle ecosystem (i.e. using ``Send to Kindle'' to do the necessary conversions as opposed to man-handling stuff with Calibre). So for them, they are less likely to face the kind of issues that I am.

And that's about it for now. Till the next update.

Edit: So I found out why I stopped playing Torchlight II---I literally ran out of things to do. The gameplay was fun for its time, but eventually the strategic depth was just insufficient to sustain more than the 315+hrs that I had put in across the 4 different classes. Grim Dawn will have nearly 45 different classes that come from pairwise combinations of soon-to-be 10 masteries, and then there's the whole sub-field of Devotion.

Eirian-VI is Here!

Eirian-VI has arrived.

After about two weeks, my Kindle Colorsoft has finally made its way to SIN city, as have all the other things that I had purchased on either amazon.com or amazon.sg.

And lemme tell you, Eirian-VI is gorgeous.

So, using SCP Series 4 volume 1 as a sample, you can tell that the colours are there, and are fairly soft/subtle. While most people complain (and also have pictures!) about how the Colorsoft was ``blue-er'' than previous black and white Kindles, you can tell that it isn't so in this case---that's because I can tune the ``warmth'' slider to make it as red as I want to. To be fair, this is at warmth level 3 on colour level standard (as opposed to vivid), compared against to zero warmth change in Eirian-V.

Do I have complaints? Just one---colour is only available on ``native'' Kindle file types, which in this case is Mobi. I only realised it when I tried loading up a PDF that is scanned (and with colours), and it showed only the regular monochrome set up.

Is that a deal breaker? Not really... I am completely fine with reading most of my material in black and white anyway, and thanks to Calibre, conversion of the PDF to Mobi is but a click or two away.

Not ideal, but a perfectly serviceable solution.

That yellow line thing that many are complaining about? I do not see it, so it's fine.

And that's a wrap for now. Till the next update.

The Last Two Days were Nice

When one was younger, and was involved in some humanities class that is teaching history, one had the tendency to be downright indignant at the people of the time for ``not standing up against the obvious bad thing that is happening'' which eventually led into the story arc that made its way into the history books as a lesson to learn.

Sadly, now, no matter where we are, these same young people are experiencing first hand why they could not stand up against the obvious bad thing that is happening.

And this is also where I must admit that even though I say that I do not fear death, it turns out that I do after all. For if I truly do not fear death, and have that sense of commitment that I claimed, then truly nothing will stop me from ever doing the right thing, be it standing up against the injustices, fighting the hypocrites, or spreading the Lord's Word in literal godforsaken places.

Yet here I am still, in SIN city, sitting in front of Eileen-III, typing out this entry.

So we've established that the phrase ``I do not fear death'' is one conditioned upon ``within my current circumstances and not universally''. While sounding hypocritical, I think the ordinary person would not find it problematic as it has some resonance with the human condition---hardly anyone expects anybody to literally abandon their own lives to take radical actions.

God's standards are higher, so in view of that, I shall refrain from making such a claim any more. I fear death in a universal perspective, but within the context of where I am existing right now, I am unafraid, because there really isn't much chance for me to just die ``for no good reason''.

Anyway, whatever happens wherever we are, we will be judged by the young of the future for ``not standing up against the obvious bad thing that is happening'', despite having all the lessons that we ought to have learnt by now from the past that had already occurred.

May God have mercy on our souls.

------

In other news, I had a very lovely two days for yesterday and the day before. I'll try to go chronologically from memory.

The plan for Tuesday was to head out to somewhere a bit frou-frou like The BOOK Cafe to read Aaron A. Reed's 50 Years of Text Games: From Oregon Trail to AI Dungeon in its full hardcover glory (I do have the soft copy as part of the original Kickstarter(?) support---but reading the hardcover version is definitely a treat)). But it required me to make my way downtown, into a location that Google was suggesting to be rather busy at the time that I was intending to be there (around 11 o'clock).

What actually happened then was that I made my way to Great World instead. It was on the TEL, and was formerly ``Great World City'', and used to be the least likely to be visited mall by me in forever just due to how inaccessible it was before the TEL was a thing.

``MT, why Great World? It doesn't fit that frou-frou concept you had in mind!''

So this is where I reveal the ``i'm-forty-bitches'' checklist:

• Read/high tea with 50 Years of Text Games;
• Long walk;
• Long cycle;
• Pecan pie from Windowsill [pies];
• Cat and the Fiddle cheesecake;
• Buy mobo and CPU for Ma's computer; and
• Fancy sushi at [REDACTED].

Great World checked off Windowsill pies since they had a branch there. It also had what I hoped to be enough frou-frou cafe places that could fulfil the ``read/high tea'' part, without actually doing high tea.

Spoiler: I had to switch out ``high tea'' when I realised that most of the high tea places were for two people (I was only one), and the one that could handle one (from Pan Pacific Hotel) had a hard time limit of 2 hours per session, which wasn't quite what I was expecting for a leisurely read.

And so Great World I went! I had Grasshopper Mint Chocolate instead of Pecan just for variety, knowing that I would be getting at least one for this year's π-day. Brunch was aptly consumed at the Collin's there, and that was also where I cracked open the hardcover 50 Years of Text Games. After that, I roamed about the mall itself, just to soak in the environment, including a stop-and-gape moment at ``The Whisky Distillery'' just to see the four-digit and five-digit whiskys that were there.

After all that, I decided to head out to Somerset station, partly because I wanted to check off ``long walk'', and partly because I wanted to get to a much more accessible location to head towards MusicGear in the late afternoon/evening to hang out with the crew there. There was an inconsequential drizzle as I walked the kilometre or so distance, and stopped by a genuine frou-frou coffee place called Lucine by LUNA, where I got a cup of ``dirty coffee''.

The barista explained it to me, I cannot remember what she said, but I think it's primarily a coffee floating on top of some milk. Don't ask too many questions.

I sat there and read more 50 Years of Text Games even as the trio of salarymen sitting at the table over were talking this and that about markets, marketing strategy, women, working in other countries, and other sundry that a techie like me didn't care too much about. The coffee was nice, the ceiling was high, the room was spacious, but the damn place where it was located in (111 Somerset) was pretty dead by my reckoning.

Aaaaaaaaaanyway, I eventually made my way to 313@Somerset to have some fancy Premium Char Siu Truffle Shoyu Soba from Tsuta.

It tasted fucking amazing. I had a Kirin beer there too, and read even more of 50 Years of Text Games (seeing a theme yet?). The only thing that marred the moment was the leg-shaking bugger in the booth diagonally from me---the benches are coupled, so when the idiot shook her legs, it vibrated the shit out of the bench. I was annoyed enough at some point when I just violently rocked it in retaliation.

Of course they won't give a shit---idiots rarely do. But I got my venting, so that was perhaps fine?

After that, I headed out to MusicGear to hang out with the crew, but learnt that apart from Hanwei and Kristin(?), everyone else was out supporting an event, and wouldn't be around for the week.

Ah well.

------

Yesterday started off bright and early enough for me; it was the day proper after all! I headed off to [REDACTED] for my fancy sushi, and after that, headed out to Marina Square for a look-see.

I then headed out to Suntec City for more walking, and found that Victorinox had a branch there. That got me excited---ever since the old Planet Traveller(?) place closed down, I couldn't find any official Victorinox spare parts dealer any more (not springs---I personally have a kit that had the replacements for the entire Victorinox line, complete with jig and tools to do the replacement; thank you past-MT for spending the nearly USD150 on it). I am down to my last Manager (now renamed to Rambler, which doesn't have a pen (important note to future-MT)), and am looking to see what the next replacement might be when this one gets sufficiently damaged to take out of circulation. The Midnite Manager looks good, but I didn't buy it because I don't trust the batteries of the LED---electronics don't really keep long, even with the best of care, due to the shitty humidity that exists out here in SIN city.

There really isn't much else to talk about for this leg in terms of what I saw/do, since it was just a near aimless ramble walking intermixed with reading more 50 Years of Text Games, before finally returning home to watch VODs of AGDQ 2025.

What I didn't say was how during the last two days, I was never without my slim hipflask that was filled with Glenfiddich 15 years whisky. I was swigging it every now and then, even as I was making my way around.

I refuse to go through this entire week completely sober, and it was glorious.

The other thing I didn't say was how my care group folks dropped me notes of birthday wishes, as well as the music ministry coordinator, and also Chara. That last one was unexpected, but it was nice to be remembered, I suppose.

And I think I've rambled on enough. My other-sister has planned a dinner celebration today, and I have to make some other plans to finish up Ma's computer build (I bought a cheap 32 GB thumbdrive and successfully configured it in Rufus), as well as to finish up the last couple of items in my ``i'm-forty-bitches'' list, among other things.

``Oi, MT, what about that long cycle?''

We'll see. It's just a list---if I can complete it, hallelujah! Otherwise, it's still fine.

I still had a nice few days. (=

Botch Up

Man... I really botched it. So I went to get the parts needed to rebuild Ma's computer, and here was what I got:

Description	Price
Gigabyte B760M DS3H AX DDR4 + Core i5-14400 (μATX) bundle	SGD 492
Seasonic PRIME GX-650, 650W 80+ Gold	SGD 250
Total	SGD 742

So problem #1 was spending SGD 250 for a new PSU. Granted, this was supposed to last for 12 years compared to the 4 for the original, so it's sort of acceptable (which explains why I bought it).

What I really botched up was the installation of the NVMe drive (the re-used Seagate Barracuda 510 (256GB)).

I installed it into the mobo, and put on the heat spreader, being careful to remove the liner on the cooling pad, but forgot to remove all the bloody stickers on the chips on the drive itself.

So it all booted and worked for a glorious five to ten minutes, before having drive read fails due to the chip being scrambled from the heat.

🤦

Now, that just means that the boot drive is gone. We have a spinny rust left, and that had been mapped to /home in the original machine. So it's just a matter of adjusting the mount-points, and loading a new operating system into it. Easy peasy, right?

Except all my USB thumbdrives are so old that they cannot be reformatted properly by Rufus to create the necessary boot medium. There were write errors, and other bullshit.

🤦🤦

So I was just this close to finishing the build, but thanks to my initial botch up, it is snowballing away. To continue on the plan, I will need to get a new USB thumb drive (I should be doing this anyway), and depending on how I want to play it, maybe another m.2 NVMe SSD drive for boot (this is costing money, and I'm already close to hitting the original SGD 999 amount spent, despite reusing parts).

But I'm likely to do this not over tomorrow through Thursday, because I have plans™.

That's all [that I can write here] for today. Till the next update.

Official Start to ``i'm-forty-bitches'' Week!

Well, that was a fine mess. As noted previously, I got hit with some messed up upper respiratory tract infection, which led to some messed up blocked nose with yellow/orange phlegm, and other ``goodies''.

I spent most of yesterday sedated and sleeping, to the point where when I woke up this morning at 4 o'clock, I felt like I should be up and running about due to just how long I had been knocked out. I didn't though---I just rolled back to sleep to wait out till around 8 o'clock or so before I got up.

A fever started near 10 o'clock last night, and broke finally at 2 after I had wrapped myself in a hoodie to let it burn out whatever bugs were hitting me. My skin did not like all that, and is now a mish-mash of messed up macerated skin. My brain had been hallucinating between the lyrics of Die with a Smile and whatever passes as a flashback of time past, remixed into whatever nonsense my fever allowed it to be.

But all that aside, I'm feeling much better this morning. The nose is still somewhat blocked, but it isn't actively being chewed on by whatever nonsense bug (I'm sticking with the ``bug'' moniker because I have no idea if it is a virus or bacterium, and it honestly doesn't matter). I've started on Glenfiddich 15 years, and am likely keep going on throughout the whole week.

Not an alcoholic for sure, by the way.

Before I crashed out hard yesterday, I finally sorted out the pay-day stuff. There were some performance bonus too, and they were all squared properly away. Eirian-VI is en route to the trans-shipment warehouse, and I've started to prepare the requisition of a Great Bass Recorder in C to sort of wrap up the recorder family, having finally saved enough to trigger it.

This upcoming week is going to be a fun one for sure, as I indulge in activities that bring me joy. And the best part is, not all of it will involve other people, which is absolutely fine.

Got a nice list of things to do, and will do as many as I can during ``i'm-forty-bitches'' week.

A colleague had pointed out the importance of the application of the comma in that, but honestly, after being a pedant of the English language at work, I think I can take a little liberty in doing whatever the hell I want when I am forty. Booyah!

I think that's about it for now. Will be watching me some VODs for AGDQ 2025, while doing some recreational programming and/or playing some video games, followed by some errands that need doing during this time period.

Till the next update.

Junker Flute

In response to an anonymous participant on Flute Forum seeking affirmation for using a ``cheap piccolo off Amazon'' for one ensemble class while being a flute major:

Friend, do what you have to specific for your circumstance. I sure as hell won't judge you.

Just because almost everyone condemns "musical instruments off Amazon" here doesn't mean that you cannot buy from there and use it.

``Buy a second hand {insert-flute-brand-here}!'' is also another common call for action.

They aren't wrong, when looked from the perspective of longevity of use of the instrument.

But time is money. Looking for a second hand flute (or piccolo in your case) can take time, and a bit of luck, compared to the guaranteed delivery dates from Amazon. And sometimes, you just need it right now, and you also don't know if it is something you want to spend the extra effort for right in the beginning for commitment.

As long as you are well aware of what you are buying, and the limits of what these instruments can and cannot do, I don't think it matters. Just leave your ego at the door and enjoy the music making process.

If you are playing it often enough that the flaws are more obvious to you, and are hampering you actively, you will know that you definitely need to get a better instrument, and thus should spend that time/effort to get something better.

As some wise person on the 'net once said: ``I'll buy a cheap tool to start with, and if it breaks, it means that I use it often enough that I should get a better one.''

And for the record, I survived two years of marching band in University playing on a 200-dollar Amazon flute. I sat directly in front of the band director, and he has never complained about intonation nor dynamics from me.

Just a little back story---actually true on the bit on playing in the Kiltie Band out in CMU on a 200-dollar Amazon flute. I first bought a C-foot flute, and later on, a B-foot one. The C-foot one went with me to march into the snow and what-not, and it did surprisingly well, given its pedigree.

It's not a good flute in terms of maintenance for sure, with even Chara voicing out when she returned them to me after I loaned it to her to practise flute adjustments as junkers of little consequence (I have Azumi and Aurelia by then, so the Amazon flutes are effectively retired).

But between no flute and cheap ``junker'' flute, sometimes the ``junker'' flute is the better option. I won't say much about dizi, but for concert flutes, the dimensions have been well established for a century by now, and anyone with half a decent manufacturing process who can follow the schema can make a flute that plays... well like a flute.

Not like a good flute for sure, but definitely as a flute.

And I do not disagree with everyone else---junker flutes are not something one wants to hold on to as their ``forever flute'', but they can be a cheaper gamble than tossing three times more plus extra time to get a higher quality starter flute, at a moment in time where either one is desperate to have some flute, or when their commitment to a flute hasn't been confirmed.

That bit of leaving the ego, also true. Musicians are among the most egotistical people on the planet, and that's fine. And sometimes that ego gets in the way of their problem solving abilities. Knowing when to hold that ego, and when to drop it is something that everyone (including musicians) will need to learn at some point.

------

Anyway, now marks the start of ``i'm-forty-bitches'' week. Naturally, it begins with some messed up upper respiratory tract infection.

🥴

Balls.

Till the next update.

You Never Truly Realise How Much You are Loved

It's sad to know that one never really truly realises how much one is loved, even when they are dead.

``MT, getting all sentimental?''

Joke's on you---I'm always sentimental. This is literally the biggest oxymoron that makes up much of my character. I know that I can push through anything if I choose to do so, but time has just made me a little more selective on things that I choose to expend effort for. But this is a major digression and not the objective of today's rant.

The reason why one never truly realises how much one is loved, is due to how hardly anyone knows how to show that they love someone without being all weird and/or awkward. Or sometimes, as is the regular excuse from SIN city, it is a ``cultural thing'' to not show emotion, as any form of emotion is a demonstration of weakness.

Unfortunately for me, I never really grew up in an environment where I could emote properly. My folks never emoted, though there is no doubt that all my immediate family members would go through hell and back for each other.

We just never emoted with each other.

And that was one thing that I could never quite grasp when I was dating and meeting my date's folks, whether it was the first time, or the last. And that is also why I feel oddly uncomfortable when people start coming close to me the way normal people come close to others, you know, by talking.

And that is probably why I stay within my rebuilt walls, avoiding my inner peace from being ``disturbed'' by women whom I may have a chance to be a partner with for this life.

I would rather quietly hug someone tight to show them I love them, than to say the words ``I love you''. I would rather sit next to them in quiet content, physically close, than to gossip about what other people are doing. I would rather talk about the future with them, than to mull about my past and present.

I think many people know that about me, and thus they have all kept their distance as a form of respecting my preferences, all without saying anything out loud in acknowledgement. It only took me nearly forty years to realise and acknowledge this in public.

Of course, the alternate way of thinking about things is that no one really gives a shit about me, but somehow I do not think this to be true of those whom I have interacted with on a consistent basis. Inasmuch as they have affected my life through interacting with me, I'm sure that I have affected their lives (hopefully for the better) through my interacting with them.

But you'll hardly ever catch me going up to them and telling them ``I love you''. I just simply cannot do that.

I think the number of people whom I had ever done that in my life can be counted on a single hand.

That one time when I was really, exceptionally down, people from the woodwork started to pour out and remind me that in some small way, I'm still loved by them, even if we don't do many of the usual things that people who love another do.

Some people might think that MT has a commitment problem. I think they are both right and wrong. They are right in thinking that I have a commitment problem; they are wrong in thinking that it means I cannot commit.

If anything, I'm damn good at meeting my commitments. If I give my word, it will be an extreme circumstance in which I would have to break it.

Perhaps that is why I'm uncomfortable telling people I love them---the honesty's too much for me, and perhaps for the them who are receiving it from me.

And mayhaps the manner in which I deliver such heartfelt words is just sub-par from the absolute lack of practice on the whole.

If there's ever a resolution that I ought to be making, it will be to be more open about my feelings to others. I've started through affirming my appreciation (it's still awkward as fuck), but to those whom I love, maybe I should have the courage to tell them so, before it is too late.

------

In other news, I have decided to pull the trigger on the Kindle Colorsoft Signature, or as I would like to call it, Eirian-VI.

``But MT, you just got Eirian-V barely 2 years ago! Why are you wasting money?!''

Well, it's not like there was no precedent. I mean, Eirian-VI is going to come with colour, much like how Eirian-III had colour (as a tablet) compared to Eirian-II.

The purchase is through a forwarder (vPOST), so we'll see how it all turns out. I'm not expecting any trouble, but for these things, one never really knows.

The upcoming week is what I call ``i'm-forty-bitches'' week. It's a week where I choose to do things to mark the end of my fourth decade walking this earth, and the start of my fifth decade.

It's okay because I'm on leave.

I think that's about it for now. Till the next update then.

What is the Value of a Person?

What is the value of a person?

Is it the amount that an insurance company is willing to pay in the context of a life insurance? Is it the amount that a regular company would compensate for that person's work? Is it the amount of economic value that the person can create through the work of their labour, be it menial or mental? Is it the perceived utility value of that person with respect to the things that they do, irrespective of their alleged economic value? Is it something that is technically priceless since there is no amount of money that can be paid to replace the person who was lost?

Or is it zero, since in the long run, none of us matter anyway?

At the risk of a cop out, I think all of the above are correct, and there really isn't a single context-free way of thinking about it. Each interpretation is correct in context, and there is no single context that is universal.

One might say that we should take a long-term view on things always, in which case none of us has any value since in the long run, we're all dead anyway.

One might shrink it a little and talk about the use value of a person with respect to the society they are in, in which case the amount of economic value that the person can generate will make sense.

Perhaps a little more focused method would be to consider the more traditional Marxist analysis of how economic value is really the surplus labour value, and to consider each person by their replacement labour value (i.e. the remuneration/compensation for their efforts in labour) instead.

Life insurance is a bit more voodoo and talks about a weighted look of a person's likelihood of living for another x years given that they have lived for y years, adjusted by the amount of profit that the underwriting company can make through making actuarial bets across a large enough population to pool their collective risk.

And finally, to those who enjoy a relationship with a person (doesn't matter whether it is familial, fraternal, or any of the different ways one can be involved with each other that does not reach the level of indifference), perhaps the value is simply unquantifiable.

``MT, the fuck you spouting?''

I was just taking the bus and thinking about the whole bull-shit about ``high-value males/females'' in the context of dating, and was wondering just what kind of ``high-value'' are these people thinking. There's a lot of posturing and signalling involved in these kinds of talk, and the more I have read what they were saying, the more superficial and destructive they sound. It is then of little wonder why societies in general are getting ever-increasingly volatile.

Perhaps the best way to look at this is to think about it from the negation, that is, what counts as a ``low-value person''. To many, a large part seems to be on the ability (or lack thereof) for a person to bring in a ``large enough'' monthly income. Apart from that is also the idea that someone who is not a social butterfly is also considered to be of ``low value''. And then there is also some contradictory aspect of how these ``low value'' people are thus so because they refuse to put the observer onto some kind of pedestal, to treat them like the ``kings and queens'' that they are.

I... don't think I follow the logic. It sounds more like these folks are looking for a cash machine slave than anything else, and in my eyes, a cash machine slave is probably the lowest value ``person'' around.

After all, one of the hallmarks of a slave is the lack of personhood, i.e. the distinct de-humanising of the person so that they have no other identity other than the apparent use value that they have. Some might use the politically less offensive version of ``objectification'', but I think ``slave'' has just the right amount of derogatorial feel that strikes the right nuance without whitewashing the truly offensive nature.

I think we're just overthinking everything. We aren't really in a world where people partner/pair up because of the need for primitive survival (like political alliances between tribes, reproducing enough for ``cheap'' labour to run the subsistence farm); people partner up because it is usually better to face the world as a pair rather than alone (``MT, what about as a trio or larger?'' You shut the fuck up on that one!). Assuming that the couple isn't unequally yoked, all these talk of ``high value'' and ``low value'' are truly meaningless, with their sole existence as a means for generating talk so that people whose worth is all about the amount of attention they can get [and monetise from] can derive [economic] value from them.

So, what is the value of a person?

At the risk of sounding exceptionally anti-climactic, it is whatever you want it to be, depending on the context in which you are performing the valuation. More importantly, whatever it is that you value a person in the particular context is only applicable to you and your context alone, and isn't something that can be nor should be propagated to others as though it were the only way to perform the said valuation.

------

In other news, SIN city is hit with a big-ass monsoon run for the past three or so days, with non-stop rain, and an overall cooling of the dry-bulb(?) to around 21+ °C, which is hilarious considering that our normal temperature is nearer 30 °C. I don't feel that due to how my room in the apartment is structured---polystyrene insulation on the external-facing walls, closed windows, closed door, and a single exhaust fan. It's still a toasty 26 °C in here.

AGDQ is live now-ish, and I've bookmarked the VOD list for watching during my upcoming week-long ``I-hit-forty-bitches'' leave the week following (not this upcoming one).

The machine I built for Ma finally decided to bite the dust, with the mobo failing to even POST. Considering that it was nearly 4 years ago (nearly 1369 days for those who are keeping count), I suppose it is about time. I'll probably re-use everything except for the motherboard (it's probably broken) and the CPU (Core i5-11500 is usable, but finding a mobo for this is likely hellish). So that means a trip down to Sim Lim Square is in the works, likely during my ``I-hit-forty-bitches'' leave.

I was into Sixty Four for quite a bit---having been introduced to it via Reddit(?) as one of those ``cookie-clicker''/factory type games. It's colourful, mostly fun, and not so easy to scale. Overall, it's alright.

I've also started on Fallout 4 some time back, and went full power fantasy instead of grinding out them levels (it's dreadfully slow, and I just want to shoot baddies). I've also started on Portal with RTX for some reason, and am reminded about how slowly Chell walks.

Persona 5 is not forgotten---I'll get back to it once I want to do the ``sit down with a controller'' mode. I also did not forget Pillars of Eternity, but it's an RPG that is currently in a town, so down time is ``all right'' I suppose.

What else is there to say?

I suppose that's truly it for now.

Till the next update.

Limerence

I cannot keep this music off my mind. It triggers that kind of feeling that I feel like I've been missing ever since... it all fell apart.

The beat, and then the declaration of ``And die~ with a smile!'', such a simple and power phrase that evokes the deepest desires within, for the someone whom I am simultaneously familiar and a stranger too, all at once.

I do not know what else to say---go enjoy this before the embedding goes away eventually.

Edit: The song is ``Die With a Smile'' by Bruno Mars and Lady Gaga.

Quick Summary

So, a quick summary of what I had written in 2024:

1. 0 poems posted here
2. 44 essays/rants posted here
3. 0 prose/stories posted here
4. 1 piece of compositions/rearrangements posted here
   

And thus the grand total here is 45 articles, down from the 55 articles in 2023.

That's an average of 0.123 pieces of writing a day, compared to 0.151 last year.

Note immediately that there is no NaNoWriMo entry---that is deliberate. I decided to stop NaNoWriMo, no thanks to the implosion of the non-profit organisation that ran the event. So there won't be a NaNoWriMo entry in 2024, nor will there ever be any more entries in the foreseeable future.

Do I miss it? In a way, yes, but by now, the whole idea of ``losing'' bits and pieces of me shouldn't be considered anything new. Loss as a concept is something that will become predominant as I transition into true middle-age-hood towards old age.

Already I have received notice via Facebook that a guy whom I had met at reiki class back in 2008/2009 had passed on just in 2024-10, for reasons that were undisclosed. He was just 2 years older than me too. And there were the slowly but steadily increasing number of aged relatives of mine who have passed on, or are hit with some rather... terminal conditions.

I don't talk about them because I was never truly close to them for the most part. My cousins are a solid fifteen or so years older than me, and that's looking at the youngest of them. So to say that there's a generation gap is a mild understatement.

But I'm not here to talk about that for this post.

2024. I saw the loss of two more team members, with even replacements after quite a bit of searching and Providence nearer the end of the year. I don't know if the new folks will stay---only time will tell.

I don't really have much else to say for 2024 in retrospection---just read the ``in the moment'' responses that have been written to get a sense of what I think of 2024.

That's all for now.

May 2025 not be too much of a shitstorm. Amen.

Last Working Day of 2024

Ah, the last working day of 2024 for me has finally come, and gone.

And how do I feel?

Tired. That's just the only word I have left to say---tired.

It has been a long year. Everything started to come to a head for work, and this did not include the turnover of some folks. I got more involved as a manager, and then there are things where my other hat of being a technical leader came into play. I had my Ls, I had my Ws.

What I did not have, was parts of my sanity.

I was increasingly irascible, though tempered with profound use of profanity both minced and explicit, as well as a healthy amount of jadedness that comes with advancing age. I disliked people even more, clawing hard at the time that I have to spend alone in my room, the door closed, the blinds down, with my thoughts to myself, and with a book (or Wikipedia) opened in front of me as a companion.

I fell sick ever so often, with headaches and sore throats being the prime causes. Sleep was fading away, even as I struggled to derive more meaning in my life through engaging in new activities even as old ones start to run stale and gradually losing their meaning.

Yet the core problem remained: there were people, always there were people. I didn't hate any of them individually, but as a whole, I despised them. I despised the shallow nature of people who pretended to be nice, to seemingly want to learn more about me, when there is little left to learn from what is currently a husk of a man that I am. I despised the shared elitism and knowingness that they had, as they were more deeply integrated in worlds that I am merely a sojourner to. I despised the ever-increasing one-upmanship that was ever so implicitly demonstrated, through no fault of their own, but as a result of the world that they were embedded in.

I love them individually, yet hate them all as a whole.

I sit in a corner, and cry softly to myself about the apparent paradox.

The paradox hits me even in places where I was not expected to put up a public front. I would love to be with someone who cares for me in a way that I would care for her, yet I hate all of them who make hating men the socially acceptable norm. I want to be with that special someone forever, but know that the odds are ever-increasingly stacked against me even as I fast approach the start of the fourth decade of my life. I want to meet new people who may be that special someone, but fear the inevitable betrayal that is common to those who are brought up in an environment where only material gains are revered while hard work is disdained.

And so here I am, sitting here in the soothing darkness of my room once more, lamenting about world with a temporary sense of self-pity, even as the year races on to its end.

``MT, the fuck you want?''

Good question: no answer.

What do I want?

Maybe to be happy again. I think I was truly happy when I was in love---I said nothing about it, but apparently those around me could see it.

I think I was fairly content when I was In The Zone, be it programming a computer, writing a new piece of music, writing some story, or working through a new music with one of the many instruments I play. I think I was quietly content whenever I had fancy aburi nigiri sushi at my favourite sushi place, or when I had successfully pulled off yet another music performance.

But I think I was truly happy when I was in love, and sadly, I don't think that I can ever be in love again.

Time is running short (as is the shrinking pool) to truly know someone, and then there's that trauma (oh I hate this word so!) of getting my heart wrenched out eventually once more.

Each time a relationship was done, I lost a bit more of myself, and it took me longer and longer to recover. I simply do not feel safe enough to want to put myself in that position again.

Naturally, me in this state also means that anyone who is then introduced to me with that as a general direction would be placed under some tremendous implicit pressure, something that I do not feel comfortable having anyone else to experience.

And yet if I do not take that step out, I will end up regretting through inaction.

``MT, man the fuck up and go out there!''

Ah, that ``toxic masculinity'' that society likes to toss out at woe-be-me menfolk. Everyone likes to think about what a man can bring into a relationship with a woman, with the implicit assumption of traditional gender roles as the man being the provider.

I'd like to think myself as a fairly clean and acceptable man, and so my question is then: what can a woman bring into a relationship with me? Why must I demean myself like some toy to some woman just for the chance of some ``relationship''? I'm not looking for a master; I'm not looking for a slave either.

I'm looking for a partner, someone who complements my strengths through filling out my weakness, who sees me not as some cash machine, but as another intellectual being, and are willing to think together with me to take on the world to make it a better place for us.

I do not need her, she should not need me---but together, we are stronger, and we treasure that synergistic resonance between us.

If this ``criterion'' is too much to ask, I suppose it is better to just go it alone instead of settling for something else for the sake of being in a relationship.

The biblical concept of ``unequally yoked'' has made me do a lot of thinking about it. And what I understood of it is quite jarring in the Bayesian way of looking at this whole relation-date-ship thing.

``Unequally yoked'' is traditionally stated as the difference between believer and the non-believer, and how that will end up becoming the point of friction because the values of the two are not the same.

My take on it is that while all believers are saved, not all believers are ``equal''. Some are so steeped and holy that they are walking saints, while there are those of us who are new and are still finding our way to Christ-likeness. So just because two people are believers is of no bearing if they can be compatible in a relationship---where they are on their journey in their discipleship with Christ makes a big difference too.

And since all disciples are still sinners (we still need to repent our sins daily), the comparison of where one is compared to another in terms of saintliness is unavoidable, which leads to the whole ``unequally yoked'' situation.

And perhaps my recent interactions with too many people as a whole have demonstrated this to me time and time again. We may be playing in the same music-making group, but due to where we are in our development of our music, we will never be equals, and the gap is one of those that just isn't going to magically disappear.

``MT, what's your point? Are you rationalising why you are a loser?''

First off, I'm not a loser. I don't harp on my past achievements, but I am actually living fairly comfortably---not rich, but at least I have enough freedom to do what I want, when I want. And since I'm not a loser, I'm not rationalising anything of that sort, but am just merely making a trite observation, and wondering how it may be relevant to my current situation. Since I believe that my fate is with God, I do not take ``patterns'' lightly---there has to be some meaning behind it that I need to understand.

Or if you'd prefer a secular argument, similar situations with similar outcomes suggest that I am doing something similar in reaction, and if I do not like the outcome, it behooves me to re-examine my actions critically to identify what it is that is causing all these outcomes in the first place, with the intention of altering it.

Perhaps the lesson to learn here for me is to not worry about fitting in, and just enjoy being the interloper. I have my skills and my thoughts that may not match up with the norms, but so what? No one said that I had to be a part of that world. As long as I am harming no one, and not blaspheming God, there isn't anything inherently wrong with that.

There are, of course, consequences for any and all actions I choose to take, but that is par for the course and should not be feared.

And with that, I realise that I have said too much for this one entry, and will stop here before the monologue starts veering even more into the land of the nonsense.

Till the next update.

Expungement

Suffer me for a bit, gentle reader. It's the end of the year, I'm mostly alone, and my birthday is around the corner.

This means that the ol' noggin's in overdrive having intrusive thoughts. And the thing about intrusive thoughts is that I need to drive them out before they start to become a real problem.

But first, to the crawling Applebot---don't be a dick, okay?

And now, for the rest of the write-up.

I'm hitting forty. The so-called ``mid-life crisis'' is something that I ought to be familiar with as a concept, having undergone something similar nearly fifteen years ago when I just got out of my first graduate diploma, being in roughly the same position as now (i.e. alone, and out of love). [Un-]fortunately for me, I don't have enough cash to splurge on a car (in SIN city, that's just stupid), an apartment (living with my parents is infinitely better than living alone for a whole variety of reasons), and I don't have the looks and what I think are the ``good'' qualifications to be married.

I know where I stand. My appearance is... much passable now than it was twenty years ago, but that is a very low bar. In addition, being the interloper/outsider for most of the places and people I am with means that while I am there, I am usually not truly integrated into the group-think. There are pros and cons of that---the most obvious pro is that it means that if I end up in an executive position, I will end up being as independent as thought as can be (a boon), while the obvious con is that not being a part of the group-think makes me an even bigger outcast that I might be.

If there's some kind of lasting character quality of me, it is likely to be that of an outcast.

And if I'm an outcast (yet not quite an iconoclast), forget about being attractive to anyone, matchmade or not. I am more likely than not to have little to no connection.

A friend of mine has been trying to matchmake me, and while I appreciate their efforts, the me of today thinks that it's probably going to be in vain. If a relationship's success is dependent on having good and clear communication, then what kind of a relationship can spawn between someone who is likely to be a ``normie'' and one who is a well-known outcast?

Even if we restricted the relationship to something more physical in nature, it is likely to be doomed to failure, since I know just how unattractive I am, physically.

I'm not ripped, have no intention to, have a receding hairline as well as male-pattern baldness, and have bad skin to boot.

Who the fuck in their right frame of mind will see me and go ``ooo he's physically attractive enough for me?'' Talk about massive halu right there.

So I suspect that the route of a spousal relationship is effectively closed now. I'm not dumb enough to swear a covenant, but I think I'll just don't give a shit about it any more.

In other words, this rant might be the last time I talk about all these... relation-date-ship matters.

``OMG MT is turning incel!''

No, not incel---it is not being ``involuntary celibate''. I am intentionally choosing to be celibate, because there are other things to do that are perhaps more meaningful than boning someone. Like reading, writing, and perhaps making music.

``MT, aren't you afraid of dying alone?''

If you are seriously asking this question here and now, you truly do not understand me. Since when am I afraid of dying, let alone dying alone? When I die, I die---perhaps I shall sit with God through Jesus' intervention, or perhaps I end up on Sheol, or perhaps my faith is misplaced and there is truly nothing after. In other words, I'd be dead---why do I care if I died alone or not?

I mean, in the end, everyone dies alone. Doesn't matter if one practises one of the many dubious acts of co-burial/immolation of one's loved ones to ``die together''---there just isn't any proof either way, and so by Occam's Razor the shortest hypothesis of everyone dying alone is probably likely to be the more correct.

I don't even want to get into a ``discussion'' on how having another person can enrich my life. If I were a deeply integrated part of some society, mayhaps it will make sense. But I'm an interloper, an outsider no matter where I am. In that circumstance, how can anyone be a part of my world and enrich my life?

It's funny that I have these intrusive thoughts. Hard to tell if these are truly what I want, or are they actually just thoughts.

Better to just let these thoughts out, and send a prayer up to God to guide me according to His ways instead.

Till the next expungement then.

See? This is Why You Should Save Your Work, No Matter How Temporary

See, the one time I didn't save an intermediate copy of my blog entry on Q10, was the one time Q10 decided to crash and take away the five hundred words.

Well anyway, I'll just speedrun the contents and skip the nuance.

I am/was down in the dumps; week's been long with having to deal with too many people; I hate myself but seeing that past-me gave present-me a chance to thrive, I will extend the good deed to future-me and not do anything utterly stupid; I think I'm a problem-solver type, and suspect that am not ``lovable'' since there isn't anything seemingly emotionally/relationally related to being a problem-solver; Love Hina is sad and isn't some taboo erotica that ought to be banned back when it was still in circulation.

Okay, and now on to something that wasn't wiped out in the crash.

I just got a carbon fibre instrument stand for The Big Flute. The difference was... it was 0.6 kg for the new stand versus 3.2 kg for the old one, all without feeling unstable as fuck even as the 4.6 kg mass of The Big Flute was resting on it. And that does not take into account the more compact for factor as well (tubes with some seemingly 3D-printed joint-blocks and neodymium magnets for holding things in place).

I had also sprung for a carbon fibre case for The Big Flute to replace the current wooden one. The mass difference there should be about 2.3 kg versus 5.7 kg. This means that the total mass of things that I need to lug around is now just 6.9 kg, versus 13.5 kg that I am currently doing for instrument + case + stand. It doesn't sound like much, especially considering that the new carbon fibre case + stand costs nearly a quarter of the MSRP of The Big Flute, but when the volume is taken into account, it is just that much more compact that it makes it worth the while.

Because with this new set up, I can move more easily, without ever feeling nor looking clunky. And this can open up new avenues, especially if something else pans out.

But the case isn't coming in till 2025-02 or so, and we'll just have to wait till then.

Meanwhile, I don't really have much else to talk about, so till the next update.