There is something that I have been mulling for a long time, and it more or less came to a head last night---I have now developed a stronger sense that perhaps instead of just the not-having children sort, I am also not the marrying sort.
Here's a litany of reasons:
- I speak too much to myself in my head to the point that I cannot stand trying to explain things to others when there's no ``important reason'' to (like for work purposes, or for a service);
- At my age, the pool is non-existent---any [women] that are still available have their own issues, and requires some kind of compromise that I am increasingly unwilling to get into;
- I've already missed the ``golden period'' for dating on at least two counts: not being in SIN city during my university years, and now entering my fifth decade of existence (aka being middle aged);
- While I do not have a death wish, I am not exactly keen on doing anything out of the ordinary to prolong my life because there really isn't much to look forward to in the first place---just suffering after suffering, mission after mission with no end in sight;
- I hate people as a whole---for some individuals, I think there's some mutual tolerance, but that's about it;
- SIN city's cost of living and general environment is absolutely shit for anything that isn't related to making money;
- I hardly ever see the need to conform, and from my past, ``compromises'' brought me nothing but misery at the end on anything relating to personal relationships;
- I don't get instantly turned on just because someone is a woman, no matter how sexy she is trying to look---it doesn't work that way for me;
- Call it whatever, but I am extremely comfortable living in my own skin nowadays than who I was nearly twenty years before, much to my surprise---I still need some human contact to avoid becoming a psychopath, but that can be easily satisfied just through the normal interactions one gets while in a professional work relationship;
- I have opinions that I come to after thinking a lot about them, thus compromising on them without an associated debate (or at least a factual comparison) is being unfair to me and my time;
- The most valuable thing that someone can give isn't their virginity, but their time---since time spent is time that cannot return, so I truly treasure the time that people choose to spend with me...
- ...but not all time are of equal quality---this is where a general compatibility of minds is important: sharing thoughts and discussions about something that they are passionate about is wonderful, talking about something that seems to not invoke a deeper thought/appreciation is a turn-off;
- To me, there is no difference between a person who is at home, versus a person who is outside---it should always be the same pendejo in either case, subjected to differing standards of decorum according to context: this is the ``personality'' we are talking about; too much deviation casts aspersions on who the person really is; and
- This is the modern world where the institution of marriage is largely reduced to tax and inheritance benefits, and perhaps a more socially acceptable construct for sexual intercourse that may/may not bear children---considering where I am coming from, none of those points seem applicable to me.
No. Why am I lonely? There are friends, and I've also made peace with the notion that the set ``friends'' isn't some immutable one---there will always be someone that I am ``very gum'' with today that will just be gone forever. Friendship works both ways---I cannot always be the fucking instigator, only to be ignored. If I try to initiate a contact, and the other side fails to reciprocate, the state of the friendship is clear, and I again should not try to ``compromise'' or ``be the bigger person'', whatever the hell that means.
And again, I am not lonely because I am quite comfortable living with myself. This stems from the realisation that (1) I'm the only person who will always be with me till the end of me, and (2) people suck, have their own agenda, and in most cases the types of relationships they would rather have with you are transactional. Or it could be that my own personal upbringing is so full of mal-relationships that I have a warped and fucked up sense of what a healthy one is to the point that I find isolation preferable than trying to reach out.
In either case, I don't give a fuck at all.
My life, my choices, my cross to bear; my God sees all, He guides, He chides, He rewards. Everyone else can go fuck themselves for all I care.
If there's anything I dare to be proud of, is that I am honest as honest gets. I don't mince words, I don't carry balls, I don't deliberately sabotage/harm people. I know when to shut up, and have learnt over time that if I see something that isn't right, there are at least another three who do too, but none of them will dare to draw attention to what they see, for it is the SIN city way of docility that is oh-so-popular with the capitalist class.
Now, if that honesty drives people away, perhaps they aren't worth being with in the first place.
It's like the moustache that I sport. I have ``friends'' who told me to shave it off because it was offputting [to them]. Result: the moustache stays, while those ``friends'' are now gone. Reason: the moustache is there for two reasons: (1) prevention of the skin from getting inflamed from nose rubbing due to allergic rhinitis reactions, (2) a polarising filter to sift out the superficial conformists from my life.
And since it works for both reasons, why should I do anything about it?
``MT, that's a helluva long rant!''
Yes, yes it is. I'm forty-fucking-years old---I'm pretty sure I have a damn good idea of what I want and do not want out of life by now. Hell, in five more years I'd start qualifying for random programmes designed for older people who haven't quite gotten their silver card yet.
So, stop with the fucking infantilisation or about ``doing what is best for you''---I did not live till forty, read thousands of books, ponder over hours just to be belittled with a lecture on how my preference was wrong.
``MT, are you targeting any specific person(s) with your rant?''
No, I'm not. It's a tired tirade against an amalgamated person-composite of many folks who could have triggered this rant.
And with that, I'm done for this entry. Till the next update.
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