I Feel A Little... Illuminated

Full circle huh. So this is how it feels to be a graduate... somewhat bittersweet, somewhat at a loss of direction and words. At yet another major outcome in life, I find myself standing at the checkpoint in pensieve thought once more, trying to figure out what is the best course of action for the things that I want to actually achieve this life time. In many ways, I am really happy to have graduate from one of the hardest computer science programmes in the world, yet in some other ways, I feel a certain indescribable forlorn when I realise that the happy days of the undergraduate years will not come again another time.

Indeed, I did talk about how I never did like goodbyes, citing mostly how the goodbyes themselves overwhelm the psyche with the sense of loss. But today, as I stand before the global stage as a fresh graduate from Carnegie Mellon University, I seem to have a different sense of purpose, like the veil of ignorance have finally parted just a tiny sliver so that I can view the world with a much clearer view. This newfound sense of purpose is rather astonishing to me, and when I actually sit to reflect upon it, I find that in many senses, I have indeed grown up as a person.

The air of calmness that permeates within my mind is something that I have learnt to truly enjoy; as a counsellor once said, I was basically ``at one'' with myself, being able to relax into my entire being and enjoy the sensual comforts, and not just be dependent upon my reasoning faculties. I like this feeling of being able to just ``sink into myself''; it just makes things appear really clear and all the swirls of doubt seem to not mean anything any more. Sometimes I wonder if this calmness will lead to me being lackadaisical and shy away from what I need to do, but the distinction between being ``driven'' and ``motivated'' starts to come into play here. The same counsellor told me that a driven person sees nothing but the goal, and works only for the goal, after which he/she has nothing else to look forward to; there is a strong ``push'' forwards, with little experience actually gained. It is like a surfer charging through the waves, skimming on the superficial, and reaching the end in record time. But the motivated person is like a surfboard that sinks a little deeper into the water, moving forward by virtue of momentum, with energy used only to gently redirect itself. The pace seems slower, but the experiences are richer and more fulfilling from a personal perspective.

So I was a driven person. I push myself hard on many fronts; I still do, actually. But now I have grown to appreciate that life is more than just trying to push forward really hard---the very notion of ``forward'' is nearly impossible to define, since everyone is doing things that vary tremendously even among people who are seemingly within the same field. The only true competition is the self---did I learn more at the end of the time period than what I knew before, or did I learn less? For every smart person out there, there exists some other person who is smarter---there is no universally ``smartest'' person in the world. Why challenge people who are leagues above when one's abilities are nowhere near their match? Challenges are important, but why spend the opportunity cost trying to vie for the impossible when the same amount can be spent in the betterment of the self?

Interesting questions to think about. I feel a little... illuminated.