Mulling

Well, I'm still alive and well, I suppose, considering that I have not really said much here for quite a while. It has been quite a ride for the last few days in this month of November, suffice to say, there is a lot to be done, and I hope that I can catch up with everything eventually without killing myself out or tiring myself to the point that I cannot do anything productive.

I think I might be slipping into a mild depression of sorts, if cycles are of any indication. At the very least, I am still in good company, with family and a few remaining friends around to quietly support me. Sometimes I just like throwing in the towel and giving up on everything, but then some survival instinct kicks in and I can't just quit quite so, and I end up being a fighter all over again. Such is my life, I suppose.

I wonder sometimes if the path of the ronin is indeed the one that I am destined to walk. It seems that each time I start to look at the people around me, I find that they are drifting further and further away, making things just a little more sad and depressing. The great pillars of support that I used to have can be seen as basically being non-existent---I'm not sure if I can just survive based on myself alone without these support.

*sighs*

Life is so complicated; sometimes I envy those who decided to take matters into their own hands and just end it---at least they end based on their own terms and conditions, unbeholden to the other people that are around them. Perhaps that's why I keep feeling sorry for myself, since I never seem to have the guts necessary to make a break from the past and to go on my own vision of my future. Or maybe my values are strong enough to disallow me to just cut loose and run from life, since responsibilities weigh me down and making me unable to just make a break for it in the most irresponsible manner.

Maybe I will post more in the near future about what is troubling me; or maybe not. Who really knows?