December Look-Back

It's a Sunday now, not something that I am annoyed at, but I just have a general sense of laziness that comes from this rather traditional day of rest. Life is chugging along, and bullets are being bitten, and at times I just keep wondering about what is just beyond the horizon of my view on life. It's also December, which is usually a good time to start wrapping up the year that was 2009 and to wonder and plan for the year that is to come, namely 2010.

So many things have happened throughout this year, and yet the saga hasn't quite ended yet because there are more epic struggles to come. It's a struggle always from one end of life to the other, but eventually, things will work out right, as long as I keep on living and thinking. I'm keeping few contacts these days, preferring to just sit down and hide behind my persona and computer, to do quite a bit of introspection and to ``sort things out'' in my head. It's a new-found feeling, when the ancient ``curse'' of wanting someone to love has reduced in its strength to the point that I am just uncaring about that particular aspect of life. I've loved once, maybe that's enough for this lifetime. If I continue to do things that can help myself as well as others, perhaps it will be more rewarding that seeking out that ``other for me''.

Time has taught me a lot. The past year alone has taught me so much about myself that even I get a little scared at what I learnt. In the past, I longed to return to the work place and do things, but somehow now that I am in there, I long for the academic life where I could just study, eat and drink with little care in the world except for the work that I needed to do. But these feelings are not of regret, but of nostalgia---truth is, it is still more fulfilling to work than do just do homework upon homework all the time.

My perpetual job of keeping myself sane has taken a new twist in events: I am branching out in the things that I am doing other than work. A while back, I started taking Aikido lessons, and now I'm part of the department's ``gym-team''. NaNoWriMo set my writing fire ablaze into a conflagaration of pure desire, and I suddenly have an insatiable need to write as opposed to merely a voracious one. Soon, when time permits, I will return to sketching, and to master a few more tricks with juggling balls; these things are the other random stuff that I do to keep sane in this very messed up and very hurried world.

I think I'm starting to ``sink down'' more comfortably into myself now, ever since I decided that going around trying to woo anyone is a fruitless exercise on my part---if a girl is interested in me, she should also bear an equal amount of effort in convincing me that she's the ``right one''. Time is a strange mistress, but I think I'll slowly learn her moves and figure things out.

Okay, enough of procrastination---the weather is comfortable, and I still have graduate school applications to clear. Time to haul it.