Vexations

It is, once again, the evening, and I find myself sitting around, mulling about life as I await the opportune moment to head out for training. I find that I feel a strong sense of ennui more than anything else, as though there are very few things left in the world that are really worth any effort to look into or something. That blocking feeling that I felt in my head when I was still in the US on that fateful trip for my PhD is returning, but this time I think I can attribute it to the general lack of sleep as I struggle to balance the time spent on physical training and work.

Time really flies.

I hadn't realised that it was almost the end of the month until I suddenly decided to take a slightly closer look at the calendar. Within the month itself, I simultaneously feel as though I had done a lot and done nothing at the same time. Paradoxical feelings seem to be the rule of the day and that kind of double-think is something that I am unwittingly beginning to accept.

Why write now?

That's a question that always plague my mind. It is not as though I write blog entries on a regular basis any more---it feels more like a journal than a diary. I have no incentive nor the time to be writing every day, so each time that I do end up contributing an article to my own blog I always think of it as a specific event that has some form of significance.

I think I might be in love. Or at least, having a strong sensation of crushing on someone.

It is that sense of having a crush on someone that is probably the cause of my latest vexations. I want to be close, yet we are not really close. I want to be cool, but I'm not really that cool. I want to break out of a single mold that I might be in to be the real me, but I fear the rejection of that real me. I cannot tell what I am doing right now. Perhaps I should really cool off and let this crush work itself out---stop thinking of her for a moment and let everything settle down.

I have the funny feeling that I have been too aggressive for almost no reason, and with that, pushing my chances to ever be with her just a little further, even without considering the implausibility of its success due to all the various mitigating factors. Or maybe I'm just a worry-wart, and she's just feeling annoyed at her discomfort from training that evening, and surprised at another facet of myself that she hasn't seen and is therefore trying to process all that.

I don't know.