It's that day again. I'm pre-writing this while I'm still sober and not depressed/manic and so what I may say here is likely to be subjected to some minor changes on the day itself.
It seems like yesterday I was still celebrating my twenty-first. Now, I feel like I have used up yet another decade, and this time, with little to show for it save for the many different kinds of scars both figurative and literal from the whole ordeal that is life. This is the last year that I will have the leading figure of two, and it is one of those magical milestones in life where you stop to take stock of the goings on and decide how the next part should go.
I'm no different. Having tried to spend two decades redefining myself as a unique individual with the ability to change the world into a better place, I have found increasingly that the real world has a way of simply beating one severely to ensure one's conformity with social mores, for good or for bad.
At this stage of my life, I am almost confident that my formal education years are over, and from this point on, whatever I do and learn is based wholly upon my own chosen path, instead of the pre-set but still delusionary free will paths that I had been on since the start of my formal education.
The path before me differs from before. There are, surprisingly enough, much more choices now that I can take. I have unlocked slightly more aspects of myself that I didn't know existed when I was merely twenty, and each of these aspects provide a path that I can choose to go on as part of my life's journey. I have met wonderful people over this decade, and met with a couple that caused me more than my recommended dose of anguish. There were many significant highs, and just as many confidence-shattering lows.
I have been annealled and heated so many times that I an no longer the boy I was. Am I a man yet? From some metrics, I'm well on my way there. Already I have lost some of the freedom that youth gives; though still forthright as a general principle, I have learnt to curb my tongue at times, particularly when I have sensed that whatever I say will not help in matters at all. T'is better to shut up than to worsen a situation with reason that the other refuses to listen. I suppose this is why the PhD became one of those bad decisions that needed to be excised. I may hold a couple of diplomas, but it seems that I'm always within reach of relying on physical violence; such is how aggravating some situations I can get into. And that's why I curb my tongue and hold my peace---confrontations will not end well for the other party if I do allow myself to go ``all out''.
But those reflective thoughts sound a little too nostalgic and self-defeating. Time to look forward.
What's the year ahead for me?
Getting work done---that's my primary occupation. At least eight hours a day for five days a week; doing something to that frequency makes it hard to just ignore it. To build on my own happiness with a woman that I suspect I am starting to love---a hard path that I've chosen, but it is something that has the highest postive expected value. Staying sane is no longer the problem; it seems that I have learnt more ways of accomplishing that now that I am no longer under any form of direct oppression. I also see a deeper exploration of writing on my side, what with the blitz writing that I've promised to do for the rest of the year, and the exploration of poetry forms that I am about to start on.
All in all, a good year ahead is planned.
I don't regret the last decade. True, it had bad parts, like how all the old friends I have starting to drift away and go into their various lives, or how I was delayed in life for effectively four years due to national service and the ill-attempt at the PhD (silver lining: leaving with an MCS). But I changed from being a machine that emulates emotions into a person who thinks he is a machine emulating emotions. In some sense, I have revealed more of me to myself over the last ten years, and am happier by it. It may not seem much to the less observant, but those close enough can attest to the changes that I have undergone.
Or I could just be delusional. Either way works for me.
This is starting to be an aimless entry. That's fine by me. It's my birthday---I get to choose what I want to say, especially on my blog.
Who can stop me?
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