Nothing Seems Fun Any More

Clearly this is not written at the silly time that you are seeing for this post.

Have you ever had one of those days where you metaphorically look at yourself in the mirror, wonder why the hell you are doing all that you are doing, what it is all for, and then coming to a realisation that nothing that you do seems fun and that you just want to end it all because it felt like it was probably preferable to what can be nicely described as a meaningless life of ennui?

Yeah, it felt like one of those days today. Why? How the hell would I know?

Nothing seems fun any more. I wake up, I get dressed, I get my ass to work, I work, I take my lunch break time to read, I get back to work, I drink lots of coffee, I leave the office, I meet up with Chara, I go home, I read, I sleep; then rinse and repeat. On weekends, I wake up, I get dressed, I do something ``fun'' (read, watch the VODs for the latest speedrun marathon or from some of my favourite Youtubers, play dizi/flute/saxophone, write/transcribe music), I go for rehearsal, I go home, I sleep.

Maybe it's the lack of a pay-off. Lots of things done, but the pay-off always seem so far away. I was looking forward to going for the International Low Flutes Festival in Urayasu Japan with Chara this year, but thanks to the rise of the pre-pandemic levels of the COVID-2019 event, the event has been postponed till next year (a slightly fancier way of saying ``cancelled for this year but we will skip the crazy planning and re-use the original plans for next year''). We have since replaced it with something different and local, and I am looking forward to that, but I cannot deny a certain level of being bummed out.

I was supposed to meet up with some of my old colleagues/friends for an evening of beer and talking cock, but well, it's been ``postponed indefinitely`` also due to the COVID-2019 event.

I can go on and on, but why bother? I'm just going to make myself feel worse. In fact, I don't know why I am even writing this entry in the first place. Oh right, just as a means of documenting a transient period in life.

No, I'm in no danger of offing myself, at least not in a direct sort of way. I do feel this compulsion to just work so hard that I collapse or something though... I suspect this is just a side effect of just wanting to reach the state of drowning myself so hard that I don't need to think any more.

Thinking is just making me more and more depressed over time. The world is not a nice place.

Till the next update. Hopefully things are less stupid by then.