I'm Sorry For The Past, Chara

This year, now specifically, it feels like a major ``reset'' than anything else. Much of what had been taken for granted as the status quo have been nerfed or turned completely upside down with the ever-increasing spectre that is the novel coronavirus pandemic situation.

To me, this is especially true. I am steadily losing the excess mass that I have put on since I was twenty years old. I am again in that state before I had gone steady for five years---alone, but not exactly lonely. I have returned to the time in my life where my main companions were still my books (or reading in general), my writing, and my music.

Don't get me wrong; Chara is still on my mind. There is no easy way in which she will completely disappear from it, not now, not ever. But what she means to me will evolve, just like how how and what everyone means to me will evolve. I cannot deny the time that we had spent together as a couple---it is a part of the collective history of me that makes me who I am today. But I will promise myself that this entry is the last time in a while that I will mention her by name, not because I don't love her any more, but that it is important that I too need to dust myself and get up to go forward, just like how she wanted to go forward [on her journey with God] when she came to the decision near the start of this circuit breaker.

Looking at Tino, Stuffie, and Awa no longer generates the ``bitter'' part of the bittersweet memories---they only generate good vibes and a little nostalgia of a past.

I have to move on with the times. There are things that need to be done while other things are stalled.

I've started on my path of self-discovery, and more specifically, the discovery of my relationship with God. It is an important thing to me to do so---for too long I have been fighting and fighting and fighting to know what is next for me, and frankly after thirty five years, I am just too tired. This circuit breaker imposed isolation with a parting of ways with Chara is a good time for me to really do some soul-searching and learn more about myself in ways that past me would just brush away as immaterial.

Past me would be right by a sleight of hand on words---it is immaterial because it is something that cannot be objectively measured, or rather, something whose axioms cannot be objectively measured. When I am ``trapped'' at home due to the circuit breaker, there is nothing objective to ``measure''. And long time readers of this blog of mine would know that I never did well under such circumstances.

This time though, it is different. Instead of feeling all manner of fear, anxiety, and worry, I find myself with a surprising amount of peace in me. And it hardly involved anything that I used to partake in to improve my mood---running, geocaching, play more music, and the like. I feel a sense of liberation in me that cannot be easily put into words that convince---they can only be put into words of personal testimony that old me would simply listen politely, nod, and not give it too much thought.

Old me was a bastard in many ways. Always thinking he is in the right, always thinking that he has everything figured out, and that if one was not following what he was saying, they were wrong. Recent past me was less so---he lost some of his arrogance, but his personal confidence of mastering the material world was still too much to bear.

Present me thinks that part of why he and Chara parted ways was because recent past me heard but did not listen. Recent past me thought he could out think things, even though an older past me was starting to have doubts about just how many things he was able to out think given the increasingly chaotic world out there. Present me, understanding a bit more now about the concept of sin and the precepts of Jesus's teachings, also realised that recent past me had unintentionally declared himself as an agent of Satan to the daughter of God that he was going out with by declaring that he would help her with the material world. No wonder she had such a strong reaction when she had time to converse the Most High, leading to the surrendering of our relationship to God.

Past me definitely did not intend to sound like an agent of the tempter, but words still have power. For even past me acknowledged that ``while something may not be true, if enough people say it, at some point the truth of the thing matters no more, because enough people have believed it to be true that they react as though the thing were true, leading to all the associated effects''.

I do not know if Chara ever reads my blog entries since that day, and if she is reading it now, I want to say, I am sorry for what I had done. I was/am a sinner and did not know any better then, because I wasn't a believer and didn't understand the lens in which you were viewing reality. Your choice of a parting of ways was a righteous one, and I agree with you wholeheartedly now. I said I understood you at that point of the parting of ways, but now I understand. And I now know in my bones that God will show the right way for you, and He will show the right way for me.

V xabj gung gur fgbel bs gur eryngvbafuvc orgjrra Punen naq V vfa'g bire whfg lrg, ohg vg vf hc gb Tbq'f tenpr gb qrsvar jung vg vf ng gur gvzr gung cyrnfrf Uvz. I have no say in this, for I have given it to God.

That said, the nature of this blog still remains the same. It is still my megaphone into the void that is the Internet on my thoughts and observations. It is as the banner text unabashedly proclaims:

An eclectic mix of thoughts and views on life and life-at-large, and interesting observations both in real life and in cyberspace, as well as other sparks of inspiration. Take things here with a pinch of salt, for they might be truth, yet at the same time, they are less formal than they seem to be...

And that will be all I would want to write about for now.

Till the next update then.