Expungement

Suffer me for a bit, gentle reader. It's the end of the year, I'm mostly alone, and my birthday is around the corner.

This means that the ol' noggin's in overdrive having intrusive thoughts. And the thing about intrusive thoughts is that I need to drive them out before they start to become a real problem.

But first, to the crawling Applebot---don't be a dick, okay?

And now, for the rest of the write-up.

I'm hitting forty. The so-called ``mid-life crisis'' is something that I ought to be familiar with as a concept, having undergone something similar nearly fifteen years ago when I just got out of my first graduate diploma, being in roughly the same position as now (i.e. alone, and out of love). [Un-]fortunately for me, I don't have enough cash to splurge on a car (in SIN city, that's just stupid), an apartment (living with my parents is infinitely better than living alone for a whole variety of reasons), and I don't have the looks and what I think are the ``good'' qualifications to be married.

I know where I stand. My appearance is... much passable now than it was twenty years ago, but that is a very low bar. In addition, being the interloper/outsider for most of the places and people I am with means that while I am there, I am usually not truly integrated into the group-think. There are pros and cons of that---the most obvious pro is that it means that if I end up in an executive position, I will end up being as independent as thought as can be (a boon), while the obvious con is that not being a part of the group-think makes me an even bigger outcast that I might be.

If there's some kind of lasting character quality of me, it is likely to be that of an outcast.

And if I'm an outcast (yet not quite an iconoclast), forget about being attractive to anyone, matchmade or not. I am more likely than not to have little to no connection.

A friend of mine has been trying to matchmake me, and while I appreciate their efforts, the me of today thinks that it's probably going to be in vain. If a relationship's success is dependent on having good and clear communication, then what kind of a relationship can spawn between someone who is likely to be a ``normie'' and one who is a well-known outcast?

Even if we restricted the relationship to something more physical in nature, it is likely to be doomed to failure, since I know just how unattractive I am, physically.

I'm not ripped, have no intention to, have a receding hairline as well as male-pattern baldness, and have bad skin to boot.

Who the fuck in their right frame of mind will see me and go ``ooo he's physically attractive enough for me?'' Talk about massive halu right there.

So I suspect that the route of a spousal relationship is effectively closed now. I'm not dumb enough to swear a covenant, but I think I'll just don't give a shit about it any more.

In other words, this rant might be the last time I talk about all these... relation-date-ship matters.

``OMG MT is turning incel!''

No, not incel---it is not being ``involuntary celibate''. I am intentionally choosing to be celibate, because there are other things to do that are perhaps more meaningful than boning someone. Like reading, writing, and perhaps making music.

``MT, aren't you afraid of dying alone?''

If you are seriously asking this question here and now, you truly do not understand me. Since when am I afraid of dying, let alone dying alone? When I die, I die---perhaps I shall sit with God through Jesus' intervention, or perhaps I end up on Sheol, or perhaps my faith is misplaced and there is truly nothing after. In other words, I'd be dead---why do I care if I died alone or not?

I mean, in the end, everyone dies alone. Doesn't matter if one practises one of the many dubious acts of co-burial/immolation of one's loved ones to ``die together''---there just isn't any proof either way, and so by Occam's Razor the shortest hypothesis of everyone dying alone is probably likely to be the more correct.

I don't even want to get into a ``discussion'' on how having another person can enrich my life. If I were a deeply integrated part of some society, mayhaps it will make sense. But I'm an interloper, an outsider no matter where I am. In that circumstance, how can anyone be a part of my world and enrich my life?

It's funny that I have these intrusive thoughts. Hard to tell if these are truly what I want, or are they actually just thoughts.

Better to just let these thoughts out, and send a prayer up to God to guide me according to His ways instead.

Till the next expungement then.