Now, I feel like crying. But somehow, I can only cry inside, just not outside, even though I can feel every inch of myself wanting to cry.
You know how one knows that bad news is coming, and then one readies oneself to receive it, and when the harbinger claims that the bad news release has been postponed, and more specifically, that fucked up feeling of pressure, sadness, depression, and listlessness that comes from that?
That's how I'm feeling now.
That's how I've been feeling for the past few months.
I wanna kill myself. I wanna kill everyone around me first, then kill myself. I wanna kill everyone who had been ``playing'' around with important shit first, then maybe everyone around me, before myself.
That's how I have been feeling for the past few months.
I can't wallow in a corner---for some reason, everyone needs me to be strong for them.
But who becomes strong for me?
If there is any reason why I envy folks who are married, is that like Jaeger pilots in Pacific Rim, they can share the neural load.
I have to eat all the shit myself, and smile while doing so. Because everyone is relying on me.
``But MT, don't you have God on your side?''
If you said that mockingly, fuck you and the horse you came on. If you said that in earnest, I'll just add that if I went the way that God intends, then everyone who relies on me will get fucked, for we are mere sojourners on this plane of existence---we live in the world, but we are not of the world.
To [mis]quote Paul the Apostle, to go the way that God wants is for my gain, but it does not edify those around me. And that isn't exactly a good thing.
``MT, seek help.''
The problems do not go away if I talk to someone---everyone has their own pile, and frankly I feel like a phoney just sharing what I am going through even as I hear what others are. Real people are really dying and/or suffering, while all I am going through is ``in my head''.
All the news that are coming out about SIN city are not helping matters---day in and day out, all we are seeing is the proclamation that everything is going to shit. I put out a brave front, but the more I hear/read/see what's being reported, the more I get depressed and just want to be home with the Lord and say fuck it to this sin-sick world.
This feels like when I was nearing twenty-one, and thinking about how I couldn't see past twenty-five, except probably worse since the size and amount of responsibilities that I have now are greater than before.
``MT, just chill.''
Why do you think I'm saying things here then, if not to try and expunge stuff from my head?
Still can't cry though.
