Phantasies Yet Again

Again, in here I sit, another phantasy playing out to its very final end—sadness and dejection. I should seriously stop thinking about things... it seems the each time I do, I end up hurting myself more and more. Maybe it is indeed in my deed to be walking alone on the streets, watching people getting all lovey-dovey and stuff, forever tormented by the fact that I am, essentially, alone.

Alone. It's a strange word there. You look at it, and you feel so sorry for it. Alone. It looks almost like how it sounds—alone.

My face, my actions, seem so farcical. It seems that all my life, I'd been an actor. I know I'm not good at a lot of things, but I keep on acting that I do, and sooner or later, I actually started to believe that I could do them, and then I start to convince people that I am, indeed able to do what I claim to do. But in reality, am I really that good? Am I really as wonderful as I think myself out to be? Or am I part of a huge delusion which will result in me losing everything in the end, including my very life?

*sigh*

This is starting to frustrate me some. To be forever surrounded by people who are—people, while I just sit in the corner and watch on. Last Saturday, there was a SSA KTV/Games Nite held in the West Wing TV Lounge. I went there, of course, and ended up sitting on the sidelines yet again. And as usual, I was only recognised when they couldn't get the KTV system up to run (because they brought in a DVD player, as opposed to a DVD/VCD Karaoke Player). So I helped to set up the system. The system set up was kind of fun, but after I was done, I was promptly forgotten again. Feeling somewhat sad/irritated/fed-up, I just picked one song to sing, and then dallying for a little, I left for a walk in the cold.

Ostracizing. The very epitome of my displeasure. Why do people like to ostracize me? Am I really that hard of a person to talk to? Am I just some freak-head people turn to only when they have problems, and once done, only to be cast aside like spoilt food? The pain and anguish from this is my ruination.

*sigh*

It's so hard to be me. I try my best, but almost never get rewarded. I guess I should just keep on grinding on the grindstone and work more. Maybe with more work, I can bury away the discomfort and sadness that I have within me.