Reliance

Reliance on people... it is such a weakness. Some folks rely on other folks to help them in their work, while others (like me) rely on others to help keep their sanity in check. The problem with reliance, is that one can easily get lost if the people that one relies on are not available for whatever reason.

One reason why I keep keeping to myself, is that I know that folks will never always be around when you need them the most. Friends, family, whatever; the Infamous Law of Bad Things will always assure that one will never be able to obtain the help that one needs when one needs it the most. People can be trusted—I'm not saying they cannot. But everyone has his/her own life to lead, and thus cannot always be around all the time. Even friends can get sick of each other, lovers get a little too tired and feeling to constrained, and spouses have their bad argument days—it is all about personal space.

Contrary to popular belief, I actually like company. Not a huge massive and boisterous group though... a small tight-knit one is excellent. I like a group where I know that I can depend on, a group where I can chill and be silly with, a group that I need not put on a mask all the time. Unfortunately, this is just an idealism—very few people want such a tight-knit group, and for those who might want so, they might not like who I am.

And so when the various groups start to ostracise me, it hurts me deeply and I alter myself accordingly, ever lowering my expectations with people, further driving myself away from folks...

In short, most of my troubles come about because of unrealistic expectations of myself. I should take this into consideration when I'm doing things from now on.