GRE is Coming Again (Urgh)

So the last few entries were rather cryptic in many senses, and here's why: I think that I am stressed out by the fact that I am taking the GRE [again] this Friday and have been looking for diversions to keep myself from worrying too much about things. That said, this song was one that I have been searching around for a long time, simply because of the clear female vocals and the rather catchy lyrics, which upon further analysis, will reveal that it has more meaning than just wanting to write a song.

So, right. Life. It goes on... once the GRE is done (and hopefully without any other news other than great news!) I will need to kick into high gear for the multitude of things that need settling, including applying to graduate school as well as preparing for the run up for NaNoWriMo. Oh, not to mention, this whole thing called work, which is really two projects masquerading as one.

So busy.

I think I might slowly be driven insane with the stuff I'm doing. They all said that life after CMU is more smooth-sailing and one will feel that the pace of life will slow down, but as far as I am concerned, that is definitely inapplicable here. So many things, so little time---at the very least I am emotionally more controlled now and can thus channel my cerebral powers towards the tasks that require dealing with, as opposed to the crap that I was basically stuck in a few months back.

I keep looking back huh. Even after so long, I still do a lot of retrospection and thinking about the past, ruminating ever so often, and sometimes even lapsing into moments of silent melancholy when I remember the good times that are no longer here. But I suppose that is the normal functioning of a person---no one will remember things that didn't affect them deeply in some way, good or bad. But as someone once told me, a break-up (and everything else for that matter) must be viewed not in a fatalistic manner but with one that provides different values to what has occurred. An example of this is to attach different values to some of the gifts that were exchanged during the relationship (or whatever)---instead of seeing it as a token of love, it is more productive to see it just as a gift from a good friend to another, and to downplay all that emotional baggage thing. But of course, doing more stuff to distract (and allow the venting of) the mind is probably another viable solution.

This place is getting more and more muggy; the humidity is so high that I am practically bathing in my own perspiration. Obviously, this is causing me grief because my rashes have started to appear all over again. Heh. I think that one of the reasons that govern why I don't feel attracted to people here could be that the whole skin rash/allergic reaction just makes me feel inferior, like as though there is some genetic impairment that stands out like a sore thumb. Put it in a Freudian way, I don't feel sexy enough whenever I am back in Singapore---how does one feel sexy/confident if one has rashes all over the bloody place? At least this theory accounts for the fact that I am neither a misogynist nor a misogamist.

It really does take a little effort to cut through all the protective barriers I put between myself and the outside world to know the ``real'' me inside.

That said, I made a pact with myself to stay clear from the whole relationship business for two years, with the intention of using those two years to concentrate on recovering from my self-diagnosed image problems and depression. Not that I am going to shed that geeky exterior, but perhaps it is time to think beyond the geek and wonder about the whole ``reintegration into society'' aspect of things.

Life seems to be made up of skirmishes that lead to high-stake battles which end up in a full-scale total war, only to end up with a bang (or a whimper) at the end of it all, where one leaves as how one was born---naked and alone.