Rue

To thine own self be true

---Polonius, Hamlet, by Shakespeare

A maxim of life, it seems, is to be true to oneself. Being true to the self connotes the notion of actually knowing what one truly wants and then working towards that goal. It suggests the preternatural ability to exercise judgement, preferably good, with respect to one's interest and self-preservation.

Interestingly, I think that I am severely lacking in good judgement these days for some reason. I cannot tell if this is physiological (something fundamentally wrong with my brain from the few blows I have suffered over the last couple of years from taking the breakfalls from some throws really badly) or psychological (something fundamentally wrong with my mind/world view from the increasing levels of cynicism that has developed from the general withdrawal from intimate social contact for one reason or another). In either case, it seems that my last few years of judgements are relatively questionable, and it seems to be time that I started to rectify them, one step at a time.

I have been wondering to myself for quite a while. The aspect that I thought was my major strength (a man with no past) is fast catching up with me in the present, where I realise that since I was a man with no past, my roots are mostly lacking, and the lack of a root was starting to become a liability on my psyche. From which position are my actions stemming from is a question that does not have a ready answer, and it scares me.

Yes, there is something that scares me. When I realised that, I was rather surprised myself. I wasn't known to be that afraid of things, but here I am feeling fear. Pure unadulterated fear.

I keep escaping from it, of course, like what someone said to me, a coward. I still don't know how best to face my fears, considering that I do not have a strong enough base to face them with. I used to rely on my friends a lot, but they all... have problems of their own and are out of reach. The new friends I make just don't know me well enough to be of any use, and in addition to that, they are not that close to me anyway. And my family... I don't really want to trouble them. I feel that they have been through enough for me, and so perhaps I should just suck it up and do it myself.

And so I am sucking it up. And suffering greatly from it. So terribly greatly.

I wake up each morning feeling a sinking feeling deep within my chest, rousing myself somehow to get to the office. I pass the day reading papers, thinking more or less aimlessly, working on homework, running to and fro classes, watching my life fade away. When I go to bed, I would collapse only when the night is deep, and then would suddenly be wide awake at three in the morning.

Fear is a powerful emotion. I don't fear the real---it is the abstract that gets my goat.

There are days I have thought of just sitting there and ending it all somehow, either disappearing from contact forever or well heh just disappearing completely. But they will solve nothing, obviously. I hate myself sometimes for thinking about them in the first place.

Oh well. Life sucks.

Time to suck it down and move on.