I have been thinking for a while on how to write this post. But I suppose at the end of the day, I cannot be false to myself---I only know how to write the truth, and even then, in a straightforward way.
Chara decided to part ways with me.
That was the traumatic event that had happened to me about two weeks ago that I had been dancing about in my allusions in posts here. This is after all the other weird stuff that I had reported here about other aspects of life.
It's funny in a not-so-funny sort of way. Her decision to do so helped eclipse every other annoyance that I had been experiencing thus far; in view of what happened, everything else seemed to be so minor that I now look back and wonder why was I so pissy about them in the first place.
I have lost my dearest friend.
She doesn't want to communicate with me for now, the reasoning being that words may end up leading me on, and giving me false hope.
How long is ``for now'', and whether we get to be friends again, or even lovers once more, neither of us knows.
All I know is, I hurt inside. Badly.
It took me two weeks for this to sink in ``in my bones''. Funny enough, I
knew it would sink in only nowish. And that's why I have chosen to take leave this upcoming Vesak weekend to make it long enough to really work it through my system. I'm still functional, in no danger of harming myself or anyone else, or even do things that I will regret in the future. I'm still on that
crazy scheme of mine to lose excess mass using
Singapore's BMI standard (see logical page 1, physical page 8) (or see
this for the summary). The rationale is that it is a standard that is applicable for sedentary asians, and the last I checked, I am indeed sedentary now.
I talked about some aspects of ennui in
December, and more recently in
this entry in March. I think I may have found the missing link that joins the two ends of the unspoken questions. But first, a little bit of history.
The thing is, I've always been keeping an eye out for my mind and body. I read, I study, I ponder, and I experiment, so that I can understand the natural world as much as I can. Despite my shitty beginnings of really bad skin that made vigorous physical activity untenable under other people's control, I have been trying to keep my body in some kind of usable shape through the various attempts at swimming, at running, at cycling, at practising Aikido, and practising Aiki-jujutsu. Music-making exercises both my mind and body, and even parts of my soul, but other than that, my soul has been something that I have not really paid much attention to.
I had no reason to question how/why I was here, and I had no reason to think about what would happen after I died---I knew I would cease to exist, and it was okay, or so I thought.
But it was
not okay. All my life, I had been struggling and fighting my way from one milestone to the next, losing both sleep and energy trying to plan ahead and think ahead. But how can I keep on planning ahead when there's no eventual pay-off other than ignominy from oblivion?
In short, I grew tired. Really tired of just thinking and thinking and trying to out-think so that I can literally carve my path through life, a path that does not lead to greatness but to literal oblivion.
Then I looked around me. Many struggle, but there was a select group around me that did not seem to suffer so bad. Why was it that they were always so sure of their place in the world despite it all being completely bonkers and giving every statistician the type of headache that never goes away?
In some ways, I've always known the answer, even though I never had the guts to acknowledge it. In a
recent post, I would even say that it was prescient, even though I think now that the person I was referring to wasn't quite right. I quote the relevant paragraph here:
... The world, as a whole, is also getting more bonkers, and there are just so many things that could have gone wrong that have gone wrong. To what extent I can survive through that is something that I need to consider carefully. Of course this time, I am no longer travelling alone for the most part---I have an ally, a friend, a partner-in-crime, a fellow conspirator with which we can co-support each other through. This will definitely make things different in a good way...
No, it really isn't Chara. I don't need her, and she doesn't need me---we only walked together because we knew we were stronger together, because we complemented each other's weaknesses with our strengths, and it was something that we both had known before what happened two weeks ago. All that hurt I feel inside was just the sense of loss of my dearest friend, hopefully for now only.
But really, I have been mistaken.
I have always had an ally, a friend, a ``partner-in-crime''---it's just that... I had never had the guts to acknowledge His existence.
Until now.