Resignation

The problem with me isn't with my stars---things that far cannot affect me after all, even if superstring theory holds.

It's that I'm an easy-to-read book.

It's not that I have no guile, but rather, I choose not to live a life where I am always cunning about what I do and what I think. I choose not to live such a life because it does not benefit me nor anyone in any way---it is not the right thing to do.

I say what I mean, and mean what I say.

I may choose when I want to say some thing, but I don't usually back down from saying it, especially when I am convinced that it is the right thing to say.

It was an epiphany from many years ago when I started to slowly meld all the different social groups together. So, instead of seeing MT-the-bleh, for different values of bleh depending on the particular social group, there is just MT the_laptop---the same person no matter what social group I happen to be in. Did it cause me grief? Yes, during that period where people are confused as to how best to deal with me. But in the long term, it helped let me be who I am.

Back to me being an easy-to-read book. It also means that it is easy to exploit me, to hurt me, and perhaps to ruin me if that's what the person so inclines.

Does it matter to me? Not any more I suppose.

I'm not destined for great things, be it earthly or godly.

I was not born into a rich or powerful family, I may have earned a government scholarship, but it was something that I did not fully exploit to gain unbelievable amounts of leverage climbing the corporate/civil service ladder. I'm good enough at what I do to not starve, and have no ambition of excelling so hard that I am the best in my field, and therefore according to most reckoning, am basically close to being useless without being completely useless.

I was not born into a Christian family, none of my parents are even Christian, am a new believer and I doubt that I will ever be skilled enough to be a pastor, or go on missionary trips to save the unbelievers---things that are highly valued among the godly. My talents as given by God through the careful opportunities as granted by His grace lie elsewhere, and how it can help advance the gospel is something that only time and His grace will tell. As at now, I just see myself as one of the many simple disciples of the Son of Man.

So yes, not destined for great things, be it earthly or godly.

All I have is just me. Plain old me, as unique as uniqueness can be given the 108 billion or so people to have ever lived on earth. That's all there is. That I am alive is a testimony to God's greatness---His grace allows for the existence of a useless dust mote like me to live, a dust mote that has no big dreams, no big promises to God or anyone, and no big ambition.

In some ways, I'm just glad I am alive; not happy, not content---just glad. And if I'm called to be with the Father, hey, it's okay. If it's my time to go, it's my time. I only hope that by the time that it is my time, I am relieved of responsibilities that I have in ways that will not harm the people around me; I'm not even praying for an easy passing. I just don't want to leave behind a lousy memory, even if it is going to be one that dies out within a generation. It doesn't matter if I'm remembered after death anyway---dust motes don't get remembered by anyone except for God, who will always know His own.

In the end, if the me that is present is good enough for someone to be a spouse with in this life time, it is God's will. If the me that is present is not good enough for anyone to be a spouse with in this life time, it is still God's will. In either case, I am still an easy-to-read book---I'm too old and serious to be playing silly games anyway; what-you-see-is-all-there-is. If anything is meant to be, it will be---no amount of human intervention and cunning on my end can change the outcome.

And since I've accepted Jesus Christ as my saviour and the Lord as my God, I will respect that acceptance and accept whatever it is that He has set up for me. Call it the blessing or the curse of being a believer---they are both the same thing anyway in this case. I get eternal life anyway, so no loss for me.

Amen.