Life is Strange

Life is strange.

I began this year with great hopes on a lot of things. I was at a job that I didn't hate, knowing that if I put in the time and effort to help the company to grind through the deliverables, I would be allowed to get into my element to do what I was hired to do. I was in love with a wonderful woman, and we were slowly making our way towards a life together as man and wife. My community Chinese Orchestra is going on thirty years strong, and we're about to go for our anniversary performance this year in November. The future, as they say in a clichéd way, was bright.

Then tragedy in the form of COVID-19 struck.

The grind at my job got worse in many different ways, the woman I was in love with decided finally that there was no future with me since our paths in life were clearly diverging, and rehearsals for my Chinese Orchestra are basically stopped.

What a fuck up.

There is some light amid the darkness, like always. I found Jesus, and had accepted him as my personal saviour. I am leaving my job, figuring out that it was not worth the sacrifices that I was putting in. Not the kind of redemption arc that I was looking for, but at this point, I would take almost anything that isn't a net negative.

In retrospect, it seems like some kind of upheaval happens every twelve years or so in my life. Supernatural interference or coincidence, I leave you to decide. But twelve years is roughly the breakpoint for each decade of life, give or take some fudge factors.

As I near the end of my thirty-sixth year of existence, I have started to ask myself, what was it I wanted, and who am I.

No matter how I wanted to swing it, there is no denying that I am middle-aged at this point. Without screwing up too much, I'll probably live till at least seventy, after which it is up to how much money I have. My parents aren't likely to live beyond twenty years, so I have that going for me too.

What was it I wanted, and who am I?

Some have said that I have accomplished a lot. Truly, what is it I have accomplished? Gotten a Masters in Computer Science? Please, it was course-based, and hardly worth mentioning considering that I don't think I learnt more than what I had already known---it was mostly a paper gathering exercise to satisfy those who command capital, just like every other activity those of us who can only trade our labour (mental or menial) for some capital to re-new ourselves and continue to pay the upkeep cost of living in modern society.

I want to say, all I want now is just to be with the Lord, because there really isn't anything meaningful left to do in this life, but that would be a sin. Theologically, my life has been ransomed by Jesus through the cross, and so I am not allowed to just die like this without doing anything to bring glory to the name of God. Pragmatically, there is perhaps some use for me and my so-called qualities---it is just a case of finding the right fit. Despite all efforts to be as knowledgeable as I can be, the world in infocomm tech is always run by greedy capitalists---it is never enough. Oh you know machine learning? That's cool, but ah, you don't have certification in cloud stuff, so you are useless. Oh you can program in Java? That's cool, but really we are looking for someone in NodeJS. Oh you know algorithms? That's cool, but can you also do UI/UX design? No? Oh too bad.

What the holy hell is that supposed to mean? Is all that I have learnt throughout my twenty years of experience in computer science reduced to only whether I can follow the trends of the last five years?

I'm just... tired.

Tired of all this bullshit from the world of infocomm tech.

It is never enough.

You can have deep knowledge of something that people need, but they will always find some way of demeaning you by comparing you against what you don't have.

Oh, you are trained in artificial intelligence concepts? Cool cool... but ah, it seems you are not PMI certified. Yes yes I know our job description didn't put that in, but you know, it's understood, right? So many coders out there (by the way, did you know that we need more coders? hint hint wink wink), but we really need coders who can do UI/UX, database design, embedded system, mobile apps, cloud service management, customer management, and agile, because we want to have an end-to-end product in three months.

It is never enough.

Never mind that I have programmed in more than twenty different types of languages by syntax, semantics, and paradigms. Never mind that I can pick up the latest trending framework within a month. Never mind that I don't mind working hard in the beginning to get up to speed without any form of training just to help move things along so that I can finally do what I was hired to do. As long as I don't fit the ``code monkey'' stereotype, I don't count.

Only in the world of infocomm tech that one is expected to take courses and update one's knowledge on one's own dime and time. Want to get certified in cloud? Oh, please go take the AWS courses on your own time---you must take leave to go for seminars and take your exams. By the way, you are expected to get the certification for your job---if you don't get it by the end of your probation, well, we may need to re-evaluate your fit. Oh dear, you took AWS? Apparently we are going to use Azure now, so your certification isn't enough any more---please be a certified Azure engineer so that you can work with us.

It is never enough.

Infocomm tech needs better managers, especially with respect to software and things relating to software. Just because the artefact created cannot literally hurt one physically when mashed into one's head doesn't make it any easier---it actually makes things harder. Because unlike hardware, software does not have innate physics to control what can or cannot be done. The design and building of software requires a lot of thought to ensure that the physics (i.e. world-level constraints that restrict what can be done the way the laws of regular physics limit energies and power in the real world) is present and correct. If I build a circuit board with certain parameters, I know full well that if I exceed those parameters, there is a high chance I will break the circuit completely, and it will fail. But if I do that to software with incomplete physics, the software will still go on its merry way, leading to a breakage in some obscure future that no one can easily predict.

Agile as a concept is good---it is better to reach clearly defined checkpoints, testing and failing bad concepts early, and to keep progressing. Agile as some prescribed ritual is terrible. Agile as some prescribed ritual with cover-your-ass documentation requirements that come with a normal waterfall model is downright sacrilegious.

But what was it I wanted, and who am I?

I don't know fully right now. And that's why I need to take a break and re-think things. Many things, actually.

God doesn't draw one out of something, but draws one into something. I have a vague sense of what it is, but it will take time for the pieces to fall into place to provide a good direction for me to follow.

After all, what turns out in the end isn't of my will, but His. I have the power of choice, but in the grand scheme of things, He is still in control.

And when He tells me it is time to go, I cannot disobey. Amen.