T'is December

It's a Sunday. The first Sunday of the month of December.

What do I feel? I would want to say, I feel almost nothing.

It's just another day now, considering that I am no longer in a relationship with another person. I spend time nerding out, reading mostly, and then doing some other things that are more geeky/nerdy in nature.

Like playing my 笛子, or flute, or even the 埙, which was a gift to me from HY about a year and change ago, with the request that I record myself playing a piece for her.

I am still working on that. I think I should have something ready before 2021 swings by, and if I were late, it would not extend to beyond January, when I have a couple of leave days around my birthday to do things that I enjoy doing, away from work-related things.

The past few weekends were filled with the meeting up of various people. This weekend, it's a quite a quiet one. Just sitting at home, resting as much as it is possible given all the stresses that are upon me, self-inflicted or otherwise.

NaNoWriMo had come and gone, and I am back to what I would call the new usual.

It was as though I had never been involved in a significant relationship with someone for five years.

It is actually pretty scary how those five years just felt like a glitch in the matrix that seemed to have been rectified the moment the circuit breaker came about.

Is this really the fate of one who claims to be ``a man with hardly a past''?

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Life isn't so bad. I still have a job; in this time and age, I suppose that is the single most important thing. Job satisfaction, personal mental/physical health and the like are definitely secondary to just being able to pay the bills. And boy are there many bills to pay these days.

Bitterness isn't a good thing to feel. So I need to learn to not feel that way. It can be hard at times, but it is important to remember that the Lord is with me, and that I can entrust Him with my fears, and He will deliver me from them, somehow.

Hey, even if it means I get called back to be with the Lord, so be it.

As I am nearing my next integer year of existence, and being in this state where I am no longer in a serious relationship, I have been starting to question myself more and more seriously again about whether I am better off alone, corporally.

Maybe being alone, at least for now, will give me a chance to dream once again. I seem to have lost that ability to dream for quite a while, and that was before I was involved in that last serious relationship, so let's be honest and not play the blame game here.

But what is there to dream about? The world is really messed up... are there really any dreams left that are worth pursuing?

...or is serving the Lord totally and absolutely, eschewing all other forms of human institutions the only way forward?

These definitely require quite a bit of meditation and praying to ``get right''.

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In other news, I have slowly reduced the amount of liquor that I have in my stash. The latest one to be consumed completely is the Bacardi 151 that I had purchased back in December 2014. That was when I decided to make the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, which included Jack Daniels, Jim Beam, Johnny Walker, Jameson, and Bacardi 151. I can no longer make that drink because I have finished up all the liquor that go into it.

These days I just drink beer about once a month after a particularly long day of work with too many meetings at the bar near my office, Georges @ TS. Of course, I don't just drink beer... I also eat some (heh, more like too much) food, and do a lot of reading. It's just like when I would occasionally head down to Brotzeit @ VivoCity back in the day just to drink beer and read, except it is much closer. Georges @ TS being a small [franchise] bar meant that eventually the staff there knew me better, and there was always something to talk about every now and then as I take breaks between the reading.

Alcohol consumption is tricky, considering that I need to balance the amount of liver damage that I am willing to sustain, considering that Paracetamol is still the premier way of controlling tension headaches, but that drug does a real number on the liver, as does alcohol. Those two cannot mix, and I think that I thread a very fine line of permanent damage with the twenty-four-hour spacing that I set up.

But what's there to do? It's not like I can keep inviting friends out to chat and pass the time---I only have that many friends, and meeting them super often will only wear out my welcome.

Well, hello again books, my old companions from the dark dark times of secondary school. It seems like it's you and I all over again, almost as though nothing has changed in the twenty years in between.

Okay, when I start getting all maudlin with no other content is a sign that I have written enough for now. So, till the next update then.