Semester Close

As this academic year draws to a close, I cannot help but reap what I had sown. Overloading this semester was probably among the dumbest moves that I had ever taken (thus far), and overloading with hard courses for this semester was probably the worst thing that I have done too. Of course the GPA requirement of 3.8 was severely threatened—with the need to use so much time for so many courses at the same time, it is hard to ensure that all the courses have the same amount of coverage. I must realise that I am indeed, not a very intelligent person to start with; I'm just bloody hardworking person. And the problem with hardworking people is that they need the time to do all the hard work; when I overloaded, what I effectively did was to slice my throat by removing the time that I should originally have to learn things thoroughly, and thus end up with half-past-six kind of grades.

Not to mention, this semester is a really hard one, with almost all my classes involving many "prove-me" type of questions, things that I am still coming to grips with. I guess I over-estimated my abilities. The only fear that I have is that the setback in this semester will cause a severe repercussion that will jeopardise my future at Carnegie Mellon, with the potential drop of funding for the entire undergraduate education. The full force of a GPA 3.8 has probably hit me by now, and the sheer amount of energy and fear associated with maintaining such an insanely high standard is starting to even shock me.

Do I really need to resort to trickery and take only simple courses so as to pad up my GPA to 3.8? Everyone seems to think that the requirement thus set was a little too harsh, and there have been lots of arguments to whether it was indeed something that is ridiculous and should be scrapped. For my part, I have always kept mum on the issue, seeing it as a challenge for myself to best while maintaining my goal of doing as many hard courses as possible to further widen my knowledge spectrum.

It is only today with my GPA so severely threatened that I realise the major implications behind the whole issue. GPA 3.8 is hard. It is hard when you are trying to learn much more since it does not allow you to make any mistakes. It is hard because you constantly need to ponder if you can take a course that will allow you to make a few mistakes. It is hard because at Carnegie Mellon, there are no small gains of −/+ which alter the grades oh-so-subtly such that once can afford a mistake that is a little bit on the large side. It is hard because it is always there, in the shadows, intimidating you, threatening you, torturing you, haunting you, constantly reminding you that you need to be at the pinnacle of everything that you do, otherwise you will be utterly and severely screwed. It is hard because in Carnegie Mellon School of Computer Science, a GPA of 3.8 means being on the Dean's List, and it means excelling in everything that you take, save for the class that you designate as "can afford a little mistake". It is hard because you want to learn new things which you probably have not seen before; isn't that the key cornerstone of what "being in College", "learning" and "researching" is supposed to mean?

And so I stand now, in shame and horror at the magnificence of the malevolent truth that lies before me; I have failed. I know not what untold/unspoken horrors lie before me; I hope in my heart of hearts that it would not be something too heinous to speak of, and I hope that I would not be axed because of a single moment where I could not perform due to the circumstance. Maybe I get to live to tell the tale, and continue on my journey towards a deeper understanding of my field, or maybe I will become one of the unspoken fallen, cast aside in favour of others who are more adept at playing the numbers game. Deeply, I suddenly feel a strong sense of disgust with myself for not realising the danger that I have gotten myself into. It was a noble dream (it still is), but at this point, it has become a nightmare. The people on the frontlines know the situation of the battlefield full well, while the pencil pushers in the backdrop may not know more than what trickles through the chain of command. I started off being on the middle of the chain of command, but now I suddenly realise that I have been on the frontlines all along; it's just that I was still too dense to notice it.

I reaped what I sown—it is a fact. That I overloaded this semester with hard courses was enough evidence of the beginning of my own predicament. That I stubbornly held on to charge ahead thinking that I can make it was enough proof of my own stupidity. *sigh* A drowning man will clutch at straws, and I am that drowning man now. Perhaps I will live to see the light of day. Perhaps I will be part of the legions of failed people who "didn't make it". Now, my fate lies in the hands of others, not myself. I have done what I did, so let the damage control begin.