Fear Strikes Again

Yet another day passes, and I find myself ever closer to graduation. Of course, the chief thing that comes to mind will be the ability to actually graduate with the necessary GPA for the continuance of my dream—I can never forgive myself for the dismal grade I had for Set Theory.

It is at times like this that I wonder if all that I'm doing is really worthed it. I take a look at myself in the mirror, and half the time I see a happy person, while the other half the time, I see someone who is just a poser, who struggles ever so hard to fit into shoes that might be too big for him to wear.

Let's face it. This semester, I cannot get the GPA of 4.0, no matter what I do. It is neigh impossible. While I can probably study and memorise really hard and move Economics up to an A (by basically scoring 100 on each test from now on), I have very little confidence in pushing my Introduction to Ethics to an A.

I still fear. That worries me. I'm not fearless now; I never think that I was. And being in my position right now, it seems that I can never achieve that goal of being fearless. I have so many dreams that I want to accomplish, most importantly is that of being able to be a researcher, yet from the looks of my grades and the pressures that everyone exerts on me, I'm no longer sure if I'm really half the man that I seem to be.

Reality has a strange way of pushing me flat on to the ground. I'm scared, I'm still scared; scared of so many things that are going to occur into the future, scared that I'll be a part of the group that "falls between the cracks", scared of what my life has to offer to me. It is terrifying whenever I look at my life—why is it that I have to jump through so many hoops to be able to achieve what I strive for? I am so unnerved now that it is not even funny; I'm not sure how I manage to pull myself together to survive each day with such immense amounts of pressure.

Perhaps I can just re-align my lofty goals. The cumulative GPA of 3.8 is no longer a possibility; I am sure that I cannot obtain 4.0 GPAs for the next 3 semesters, simply because I am not that smart goddamnit. I'm good at what I do, which is Computer Science and compter programming, not random stuff that I have to take to fulfil my breadth requirements. If I were that good, I'd be somewhere else altogether, not stuck within the system trying to eke my way through. I hate myself for being so weak, being weak at being that "all-rounded student" that everyone wants.

I'm a fscking human, goddamnit, not some godly character like the rest of the folks. I enjoy doing research, I love learning new things, but I don't believe that a silly examination can test what I know; why memorise something when one can look it up as easily? It is at times like this that make me wonder deeply whether I had make the wrong choice in life by pursuing my dreams in this fashion.

Hardship. Lots and lots and lots of hardship. My life is such a melodrama. If only I had not taken Set Theory in that semester, I would have a slightly easier time. But there are so many if-only lines of thought in my life; which ones do I dare to wish away without affecting the others?

The dice are cast for now, and I know where I stand. I should be making the best use of this. I mean, if at the end of the day, I am not fated to do what I want the way that I want it, so be it. I want to be able to stand up and be brave and say out loud that at least I had tried. No regrets; that's how I want it to be. Let the future be as fuzzy as before, and let me prevail with my hardwork and prove that my worth is not based on silly meaningless paperwork meant to placate the masses, but is based on my intrinsic ability to actually do the fscking things.

That all said and done, I hope that I am able to pull this off. If not, so be it.