I'm Tired

I'm tired.

I'm really tired of all the negativity that is happening in the world today.

I'm tired of the selfishness that everyone demonstrates, forgetting that it was the effort of society as a whole that enables their selfishness to be conducted without major repercussions to themselves. This includes the nonsense that is anti-science, anti-thought, anti-empathy, cancel culture, the five hundred different acronyms from identity politics, the two hundred different ways of virtue signalling, the ``me me me'' logic of social media, surveillance capitalism, and all the chilling effects that these come with.

It's not just something that comes from the US, in case folks are thinking that that's all I'm thinking about. It is really a general trend that comes with the hyper-connectedness of societies.

The current pandemic woes are a great way to bring to the foreground all that is wrong in ways that are louder than before. There are those who believe that they are making a change with their belligerent shouting, but failing to realise that with the precedents that they set with their ``the ends justify the means'' approach, it is just one revolution away before they end up on the receiving end of their tools.

If all of us were still in the bad old days of having to worry about when we can next put food on the table, all these ``first world problems'' would not occur. No, I am not advocating going back to the bad old days---we have advanced quite far, though we have indeed fallen a lot too. But overall, I still believe that we have progressed just a bit more than we had fallen.

Of course, whatever I say here is absolutely useless. I am no ``influencer''---I suppose only five people in the world are actual some kind of regular reader of what I write here---but it is one of those situations where I have no mouth, but I must scream. Scream I shall, indeed.

The theme for today's rant is ``why am I still alive''. No, it's not a suicide note---I don't believe in committing suicide in the conventional sense of myself taking myself out. If it is my time to go, it is my time---God will take me when it is my time; I do not have to hasten the process. If suicide were truly an option that I was seriously considering, it would not be the ignoble kind where I kill myself---I would rather make use of the last moments of my life to do things that no one would/could possibly do without being able to walk away from it alive. That's the kind of death that is most worthy, because it is a death that comes from doing something meaningful. It is the type of death that only the kamikaze of WWII understood.

But I digress. I'm not intending to die. Not just yet. Not before my time.

The normal answer is usually ``but I have so much to live for; I'm not ready to die!'' To me, I don't think that is true. I have been ready to die for quite a while really---I have very few regrets in my life, to my surprise. I used to think that when my life is over, it is done---there is nothing beyond it. That is the Christian notion of a fate worse than oblivion, a state where God literally turns His face away from one. I will say that I didn't really fear that state much---I was ready to be made unexisting anyway---but now that I've become a follower of Jesus, I am glad that I am at least saved in the sense that even after death, I still exist, and in a state that is perfect as it was God's intention.

That's a good thing.

But that aside, what I'm trying to say is, death didn't scare me that much. It scares me a bit less now with the assurance that Jesus has saved me, so it's all good. However, this doesn't mean that I'm going to roll over and die now. Allow me to back-track a little to add some coherence---I am starting to find my rant a little hard to follow, even for myself.

I don't have much to live for. I don't have big dreams. What is keeping me going on each day is just the remembrance of the responsibilities that I have. So it's less of me having things to live for and more of causing some bad trouble for people should I fail to live that keeps me living.

Is this Christ-like? I don't know---I'm still a neophyte in His ways. As far as I know, Jesus' life was totally ordered by God, just like everyone else's. But unlike everyone else's, His life, death, and resurrection was meant to fulfill the cosmic plan that God had to redeem His chosen. The reason of existence of his believers are to spread the gospel to redeem more of humankind from sin to be on the good graces of God.

There really isn't any other reason for existing.

KK did remind me of one thing though: I should remember to never take things to extremes. I thank him deeply from the bottom of my heart for his reminder. I don't really like to take things to extreme, but I suppose my attitude of not wanting to half-ass things does make it seem extreme at times.

But Jesus was a radical, was he not? Weren't we all taught to be as radical as he was, challenging the letter of the law with the intent of the law, to draw strength and divine inspiration through the Holy Spirit instead of trying to ``muscle'' our way through with the at-best misguided intentions without the consultation of the Holy Spirit?

Well, I think I'm going to stop here. Too much thoughts of these sort does strange things to my already not-super-happy state.

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In other news, I've finally had the opportunity to get some replacement jeans. My old jeans, especially after the massive weight loss over the past 8 months or so, are way too frayed and too lose to keep on wearing comfortably. The replacement jeans I have bought fit me better; their only drawback was that the length was a bit too long, but the alteration step seems straightforward enough that I would probably do something about it over this upcoming long weekend.

I'll probably have to adjust my wardrobe a bit more soon---need to cycle in a different set of clothes, and cycle out those that don't fit as well. But that may be for another day.

Till the next update, I suppose. Maybe I will have less depressing things to write about (haha... what a joke).