Welcome once again to stupid o'clock, the traditional time in which I end up ranting for a solid while in that half-awake and half-asleep state of mind that is best described as ``ill-present''.
The last time I wrote something here, I talked about suicide ideation. As expected, after writing it all out here, I've not had an intrusive thought about it since then.
But to be fair, that was roughly two days ago. It's funny---I could've sworn it was longer ago then ``just'' two days.
In other news, I've added a bit more work to my read list. The first big thing that I did was to put in each of the three completed SCP Foundation tomes that I have read into the read list instead of waiting for the entire 2017-02-01 dump is completed. The two big reasons are that each of these tomes have around 500 articles, and it takes forever to go through them, so I will roughly have to wait for nearly twelve years before I can move the whole SCP Foundation project reading materials to the read list.
The other little bit of thing that I've enhanced was to keep track of how many items I have read, and estimating the average number of items that I have read from the cut-off where ``more meticulous records'' were kept. It's funny; I knew that I read a lot, but after this script was added to the page, I realised just how much was equivalent to ``a lot''. As at this point of writing, the script estimated around 725 items read per year by me. That number feels about right---reading roughly 2 items a day does feel like the right amount of effort that I have been doing.
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Asking God questions is an interesting process. I don't think I've cultivated the level of astuteness to converse with Him directly (I think He tells me things through the coincidences of things that happen to me), but from what I heard, He seems fond of answering one of three possible answers: ``yes'', ``no'', and ``wait''. Of the three, the first two have closure and are easy to work with---it is ``wait'' that is tough.
Like now. My shattered sense of self is just sitting there on the ground in their miserable fragments. I asked God what's to happen to me, and the reply I got was basically ``wait''. And so, I wait, though as I said, this is the most uncertain and therefore the one that is most likely have the largest increase of suffering.
Okay, I can feel the forces of wakefulness being overwhelmed by the combined might of going past stupid o'clock and the anti-histamine chlorpheniramine.
All I wanted to do was to assure whoever is still reading this that yes, I had some suicide ideation, and no, I am not going to take any steps to fulfil the said ideation. I think it is better to just wait for now, and be in awe of God, and fear Him to glorify His might.
Okay, good night then.
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