On Suicide Ideation

At the risk of triggering reflex actions, I will first begin by saying that I am still safe and am still in a safe place.

Now, with that said, let me talk about suicide ideation.

I have been having random thoughts about that for the past few months. I think that they are intrusive---I did not begin the day thinking to myself ``ah, what if I would die today by my own hand''---they just appear in my mind just like that. And to be fair, it isn't even the kind of ``I wish I were dead'' types of thoughts---they get really specific.

For instance, death by [drop] hanging either over the accessible parts of the Nicoll Highway or out in the middle of the Bukit Timah Nature Reserve levels of specific. Hanging because of a broken neck is the fastest way to go, and that there are nicely prepared tables to ensure a clean break in the neck, which is many times better than the really awful way of asphyxiation.

Heck, I don't even have to go shopping for a rope---just re-use the toggle rope that I have lying around already. And if somehow I survive the attempt, the ensuing fall will finish the job. Or you know, just ensure that the height and the rope length are long enough to ensure decapitation, a 100% guaranteed death.

But they are just thoughts. It's not even a case of ``mostly just thoughts''---they are just thoughts. It's not that I have something to live for---I honestly don't at this point seeing that my life has basically been brought to a standstill in almost all aspects---but that it feels a little too weak-willed to just end it like that.

If I'm going to die prematurely and by my own hand, it will at least be after both my parents have passed on. And when that day comes, I will also need to check if I have anything still that I am responsible for.

Or if I lose agency of my self, as in, I reach the point where I cannot mentally even identify myself as myself any more---that's the day to die prematurely.

Consider this a pre-emptive advance directive unless otherwise superseded in future documents.

At this point, I'm just annoyed that these thoughts are creeping up on me like that. I suppose my work on this earth isn't quite done yet, otherwise the Lord would not have let me have the wisdom to realise that the thoughts were intrusive, to arrest them before they got out of hand, and put them out here so that the acknowledgement of their presence provides me with a better frame of reference to strongly refute the temptations that they bring.

The problem remains: what am I on this earth for? I don't know if I am ready enough to face the consequences of the answer to that question, and that is why I have not asked the Lord for one in prayer just yet.

These days, I just vacillate between random pangs of sadness and general numbness. My brain is usually in a fog, but when the situation arises, it does get back into its razor sharpness. Studying God's word helps to bring myself towards a different understanding, but at the same time, I am slowly finding my ego slipping away, as though I am slowly becoming a husk of some sort.

I want to scream and shout, but I don't know why. Some friends have offered to lend a listening ear, but I don't know what to say to them. Some times I just want to repeatedly slam my head into a hard surface, but I don't have the heart to break something through such silly actions on my part. I feel like I may need to take a break, but when I do, I end up being listless and just whiling the time away doing nearly nothing. Some days I'm super lucid, understanding many things with a clarity that I cannot begin to describe, but most days I'm just letting the time flow on by, almost literally just waiting to be called home to be with the Lord.

I write all these here with only a vague sense of why---whether I live or die, I suppose it is useful to at least try to pen down all these nonsense that is going through my head. Even if it doesn't benefit me, hopefully someone out there who stumbles upon this will learn that they are not alone. All I can say is, I'm sorry I don't have any solutions---all I have are just the complaints about how things just suck.

Before I turn in for the day, just observe that this entry came on in less than three days. And yes, things aren't going so well back in MT's head.

Before anyone gets all panicky, I want to reassure you, the reader, that I am still safe and am still in a safe place.

I seriously owe future-me a chance to live up to what he is supposed to be doing, and to do that, present-me needs to steward this body, brain, and soul well, and not die prematurely. I just hope that future-me knows what he needs to do, because present-me has no fucking clue.

Future-me, when you look back at present-me, please think back about the dark times, and how I tried to keep it together for you to shine. Remember me, okay?