Winding Things Up

Peace be upon you, me, and all of us in these strange times.

The winding up of a relationship is always fraught with many emotional upheavals. Those who have not undergone it do not understand---those who have will know what I mean. I am, of course, talking about serious relationships, the kind that was very likely to end up with the intention of starting a family kind.

There are moments where I would feel like I was completely at peace. Then there will be be moments where I feel the worst form of depression, whether triggered by something that I saw and therefore associated-thought to, or just an intrusive thought. I know it is normal to feel this way. I did spend five years with her, trying to make her a part of my life.

Now in retrospect, I was wondering if she ever did try to make me a part of hers. And my honest answer is... I don't think so.

Slowly. It takes time to get myself back into a position where I am sane again. I think part of why it hurts as bad as it does during the moments when it got bad was because of the external validation that during the times that I was with her, I was visibly happier.

So, did it mean that when I was no longer with her, I would be visibly less happy? I don't know the answer to that.

I recently had my first sharing session with my care group. There was a certain sense of warmth that I had missed. It was weird to be among a group of people where I was not the most learned nor the most experienced. It was actually exhilarating in a good way. Yes, the care group was mostly of married couples, but it didn't feel weird. We shared about the things that were deserving of praise for God, we also shared about the hardships that we were undergoing that needed prayers and support from each other. And when the consolidated list of prayer requests and thanksgiving came out, I was a little heartened to find that the sender helpfully put my jumbled descriptions of how I was feeling into the much more condensed line of ``suffered from bad relationship breakup recently'', and that my prayer request was that of ``pray for healing from this relationship, moving on''.

I was touched. So concise, and poignant. So, so, true.

I think it unearthed a deep feeling that I knew was there but haven't really had the will to really confront it. The relationship break-up was bad, and I didn't really acknowledge it much. Was it as bad as the time Ida dumped me? I think it is a matter of degree---the intensity of that break-up was high due to it being the second serious relationship. The intensity of this one was not as high at its peak, but it was something that took a long time to drag out. So I suppose the ``area-under-curve'' interpretation will say that this one is indeed worse than the other.

From a different perspective, this care group has basically extended my list of responsibilities to stave off the rationalising and acknowledgement of the suicide ideation. Because now I'm less of an island.

The irony is that I think I'm just going to hermit it up these days. I don't know why. Just feel like it's the right thing to do. Maybe I had overdone the ``reconnect with folks'' bit recently, causing a kind of burn out effect on myself. Or maybe I'm decompensating. Unless I start talking with a counsellor/therapist, there really isn't a good way to know.

I did have a random intrusive thought recently. It involved just quitting my job, and applying to be a security guard or even a janitor. Why? Who knows... I sure don't---they were intrusive thoughts after all. Most times I feel that all the studying (and side reading) I've done doesn't seem to justify what I am doing and/or my sense of worth---why this is the case, I honestly do not know.

Maybe I should go check in with a counsellor/therapist. Maybe.

Or maybe I should just go for a long scenic view cycle, just to literally 散散心. I've not done that in quite a while.

People ask where is God during this COVID-19. I say that God has always been here with us. This is the best time to really discover who we really are, and for us to learn how to live a life that is praiseworthy of God.

I think that's all for now. Till the next update.