Damn I Need a Drink

I would have said ``damn I need a drink'', but I actually had like six of those babies on Friday, and that doesn't count the two I had the day before. But the sentiment still holds though.

Damn I need a drink.

Or perhaps a heavy blow to the head---who knows?

I have been feeling under the weather for the past couple of days, lapsing into multi-hour long naps in the day time, and waking up feeling better than before I slept, but still in the kind of ennui that often accompanies me during this time of the year.

Am I really depressed? If I were in the US, I would not have hesitated to go look for professional help, but as I am still in SIN city, it is just not worth the trouble.

Yes, trouble. I chose the word ``trouble'', not ``effort''. This place is downright toxic when it comes to mental health, and I don't mean the legion of lay people who know fuck all about what mental health entails. I am also referring to the over-worked and under-paid workers in the industry, that is regulated by a ministry that is, shall we say nicely, a representative of the type of public it serves.

I would rather kill myself than to go through the trouble to seek help here, should that need ever arise.

The irony of course is that I live within striking distance of the Institute of Mental Health, which means that it barely takes any actual logistical effort to haul my ass there. And yet I still refuse to.

But then again in the grand scheme of things, I've more or less subscribed to the philosophy of ``if I die, I die'', i.e. I really cannot be bothered to take any more corrective action in my life just to prolong it for no good reason. I have been thinking semi-seriously about drafting a ``do not resuscitate'' legal order, but am a little hung up on how to specify the conditions within it. Questions like ``will the [fucking] doctors actually respect my legal orders, or will they ignore it for whatever damned reason?''.

And no, I don't want to talk about this with anyone. The last time I raised this with anyone, I was rudely told to go fuck myself for being an ingrate for not cherishing the life that was given to me by God (not the exact words for sure, but the sentiments are accurate). And people in my age group don't understand nor care, since their lives are going nicely with their own families and other objects of anchoring them into this reality. And forget about the younger ones---their minds are too blasted by instant gratification to think beyond anything, really.

``But MT, if you don't open yourself up, how are you going to find help or understanding?''

Yeah, fuck off. I opened myself up to people whom I trusted, and what happened each time? I get stabbed. If you want an example of emotional abuse, there's your Exhibit A---it doesn't need some domestic altercation or anything of that sort. Insanity is repeating the same actions and expecting different outcomes. Hell, I'd happily accept that God wants me to suffer for His purposes than to trust another person that deeply again.

``MT, that's not very Christian of you.''

And you'd be right. It's not very Christian of me. I'm too world weary to be that trusting. I have trust issues at a personal level---I just don't trust people much any more. I cannot trust people who have no attention span---please explain how I can trust a person who, when I am talking with them, is consistently looking at their smartphones, not necessarily doomscrolling, but having another conversation with someone else.

Tell me, if I were to continue trusting this person, am I not just a fool? Did God not give me a damn brain and a mind with wisdom to make my own judgement?

Trust issues.

It gets worse as one ages, as I am starting to discover. That naive trusting nature when one was younger gets burnt out of the system over time, and even among my age group, no one gets involved with anyone without any ulterior motives.

So it's all an act. A mask. The friendly nature of MT that goes out there is all of those, and then some. It's not a fake act, nor a fake mask---it is what I would have been had I not lose the spark to keep it real. So it's no longer my default state, but just something that I retrieve to keep people from thinking that I am some of psychopath/sociopath, just so that things can get moving along in a way that does not devolve to violence.

Some might call it ``adulting''. I have no proper names for it, nor do I care enough to come up with one.

Not gonna lie, just kinda waiting for society to give me some pretty good reasons to off myself at this point, but God has been kind enough to have me play some useful roles in this society for now, thus allowing me to put these thoughts away.

But they are always there, always lurking. And these trust issues are what will prevent me from seeking a mate to ``settle down''.

Damn I need a drink.