It's sad to know that one never really truly realises how much one is loved, even when they are dead.
``MT, getting all sentimental?''
Joke's on you---I'm always sentimental. This is literally the biggest oxymoron that makes up much of my character. I know that I can push through anything if I choose to do so, but time has just made me a little more selective on things that I choose to expend effort for. But this is a major digression and not the objective of today's rant.
The reason why one never truly realises how much one is loved, is due to how hardly anyone knows how to show that they love someone without being all weird and/or awkward. Or sometimes, as is the regular excuse from SIN city, it is a ``cultural thing'' to not show emotion, as any form of emotion is a demonstration of weakness.
Unfortunately for me, I never really grew up in an environment where I could emote properly. My folks never emoted, though there is no doubt that all my immediate family members would go through hell and back for each other.
We just never emoted with each other.
And that was one thing that I could never quite grasp when I was dating and meeting my date's folks, whether it was the first time, or the last. And that is also why I feel oddly uncomfortable when people start coming close to me the way normal people come close to others, you know, by talking.
And that is probably why I stay within my rebuilt walls, avoiding my inner peace from being ``disturbed'' by women whom I may have a chance to be a partner with for this life.
I would rather quietly hug someone tight to show them I love them, than to say the words ``I love you''. I would rather sit next to them in quiet content, physically close, than to gossip about what other people are doing. I would rather talk about the future with them, than to mull about my past and present.
I think many people know that about me, and thus they have all kept their distance as a form of respecting my preferences, all without saying anything out loud in acknowledgement. It only took me nearly forty years to realise and acknowledge this in public.
Of course, the alternate way of thinking about things is that no one really gives a shit about me, but somehow I do not think this to be true of those whom I have interacted with on a consistent basis. Inasmuch as they have affected my life through interacting with me, I'm sure that I have affected their lives (hopefully for the better) through my interacting with them.
But you'll hardly ever catch me going up to them and telling them ``I love you''. I just simply cannot do that.
I think the number of people whom I had ever done that in my life can be counted on a single hand.
That one time when I was really, exceptionally down, people from the woodwork started to pour out and remind me that in some small way, I'm still loved by them, even if we don't do many of the usual things that people who love another do.
Some people might think that MT has a commitment problem. I think they are both right and wrong. They are right in thinking that I have a commitment problem; they are wrong in thinking that it means I cannot commit.
If anything, I'm damn good at meeting my commitments. If I give my word, it will be an extreme circumstance in which I would have to break it.
Perhaps that is why I'm uncomfortable telling people I love them---the honesty's too much for me, and perhaps for the them who are receiving it from me.
And mayhaps the manner in which I deliver such heartfelt words is just sub-par from the absolute lack of practice on the whole.
If there's ever a resolution that I ought to be making, it will be to be more open about my feelings to others. I've started through affirming my appreciation (it's still awkward as fuck), but to those whom I love, maybe I should have the courage to tell them so, before it is too late.
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In other news, I have decided to pull the trigger on the Kindle Colorsoft Signature, or as I would like to call it, Eirian-VI.
``But MT, you just got Eirian-V barely 2 years ago! Why are you wasting money?!''
Well, it's not like there was no precedent. I mean, Eirian-VI is going to come with colour, much like how Eirian-III had colour (as a tablet) compared to Eirian-II.
The purchase is through a forwarder (vPOST), so we'll see how it all turns out. I'm not expecting any trouble, but for these things, one never really knows.
The upcoming week is what I call ``i'm-forty-bitches'' week. It's a week where I choose to do things to mark the end of my fourth decade walking this earth, and the start of my fifth decade.
It's okay because I'm on leave.
I think that's about it for now. Till the next update then.
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