Renunciation

I guess that at this point in my life, where the changes to it have far-reaching effects, I need to decide on the ultimatum. Before delivering the ultimatum though, I'd just like to say some... words.

I'm sad. The meaning of friends have morphed from one where people care for each other to one where we just hold on "for old times sake", with little or no more of the original warmth that we had. I'm starting to face the this syndrome even as we speak. Friends whom I had known for a long time have slowly drifted apart, while those whom were missed earlier are converging together.

I'm sad. The changes that I'm facing now have so profound an effect that I am not even sure of how I should feel and react. Friendship is a constant source of problems for me, but relationships in general is the source of most of my sadness. I'm no longer sure of who I am; I've all but lost my confidence of myself at the personal level. Sure, I can carry myself professionally with ease, but beyond the confident outlook I show to the world lies a fragile ego which has been bruised time and again.

I've lived through the years, always being the source of prejudice, always being excommunicated by the group, always being singled out for humiliation and ridicule. I mean, I've got absolute strangers who remark loudly "oh, you have skin disease ah?", the worst of which was when this young man, sitting next to a pretty girl (no relation) on the bus, directing such a comment at me at a loud voice. That was completely uncalled for, and the only reason that I can think of is that that bastard wanted to make me look bad in front of everyone and demonstrate his wonderful powers of observation. If only he could channel those powers of observation into something more productive other than humiliating me...

I seriously DO NOT NEED another bigot to humiliate me in public. I'm unsure if this is peculiar to Singapore, or is it normal, but it sure is a constant source of my misery, and a constant source of attack on my already bruised ego. I mean, look, I'm well aware that my skin is hardly normal looking, but does it register in your prejudiced brain that it is bad social behaviour to point out another's defects in full public view? How would you like it if I said to you loudly, "hey, your zipper's undone and you seem to be suffering from syphilis" in front of everyone?

I try to live life normally. I try to be like everyone else. But every attempt that I take towards this goal seems to be stonewalled by people like that, ignorant ignamuses who think that it is a God-given right of theirs to proclaim another peron's flaws. As such, I've realised that I cannot live life normally—either I live it big, or not at all. That's why I always want to out-think, out-do and out-last the competition. I've no money; I've no name. All I have is my brain, and my determination and (sometimes) ruthlessness to claw myself upwards.

And so what if I'm from VJC and not RJC or HCJC? And so what if I'm from RV and not RI or some other "great" school? If you think that you are from some "great" school and you'll be great too, go fly kite dude. If you need to say that you are from RJC or HCJC to assert your place, then I'm sad to say that you are just living in the shadow of the institutions—you are but a lackey who is living behind his boss' name. And if you think that having a lot of money means having lots of power, think again. I don't give two hoots if you are a millionaire or anything—I will not kow-tow to you because your wealth was not earned by yourself, but through the toil of blood and sweat of your forebears and your workers. And if you are smart and think that you can outwit the system, I despise you. You are abusing a gift that was given by the powers-may-be, and instead of using your gifts to help people, you are advancing your own selfish goals. Always remember that what goes around comes around, and that I will condemn you until you realise your folly.

Confidante? I have none. I do not tell people about myself; I've been hurt too much to want to be hurt some more. To quote from a popular online game, my "character" is not "built" correctly from the start; instead of "upgrading" my social network by mixing around, I was "upgrading" my technical skills instead. And I'm not even approaching the topic of boyfriend/girlfriend relationships yet; that in its own is something so tragic that I don't even want to revisit it.

*sigh*

So, the amazing Mun Thye is not that amazing any more huh.

And so, I renounce the world. I will move onwards, learning all that I can learn, righting the wrong that I can, and in short strive to be a better person. But I will not engage in any personal relationships with people on my own anymore. I don't think that being proactive in maintaining a friendship or even a relationship is even in the realm of possibility, considering the many bad experiences that I have. There is so much that one person can handle, and if I get hit by any more nonsense like that; I do not know what will then ensue.

The only things that are holding me together from all the damage is my analytical mind, and my ultimate quest on knowledge seeking... If any of these fail, I think I'd just die and not try to salvage what is left of my meagre existence.