Semi-Serious Rambling

It has been a rather long day, fraught with many last minute changes in schedules. But all that is said and done, I find myself sitting around quietly once more, sinking deeper into the consciousness that is me.

This is a rather strange feeling---to be able to just sink deep and feel the sensuality of feeling simultaneously from all the active senses that I have. From the visual (looking at the screen), to the aural (the soft click-clack of the scissor-keys), to the tactile (the soft breeze from the ventilator), and to the olfactory (the sweet smell of summer sweat lingering), I can feel them all with ease---it is almost as though I am aware of all these extensions that make up my body.

One of the things that I have grown to realise and appreciate is that I seem to know my body much better than before. For instance, I can now decide without trying what my body is capable/incapable of doing. I am also learning to have a better feel on where my head is positioned, so that I can easily dodge my head without causing too big of a movement, which can harm the already fragile neck.

But sensualities aside, the one thing that I seem to have cultivated over the years is the strange air of detachment. It is an oxymoron no doubt---how can I be both immersed within myself and be detached at the same time? But like many things in life, this one has a straightforward answer---I just let the signals from the senses flow through my being without attempting to make sense of them. This is a rather interesting concept though, since for most people, when they sense something, it is more often than not that they try to assign some meaning to the feeling, and even to ``process'' the signal as quickly as they can so that they can always be immersive in the world.

That's where I start to differ from the normal person.

You see, I've never really felt at one with the world in the sense that I feel belonged. It didn't begin this way of course and is a phenomenon that is of a more recent vintage if I dare say. Life, with all its ups and downs, have made me walk around this Earth as an avatar, walking close to other people, but never walking with them. Now that Ida has officially broken up with me (and for a good enough time too I might add), I think that it is safe enough for me to reveal the revelation that I had.

I have known almost 4 months earlier today that we were heading for a break-up. I just chose to not believe it.

How I know about this is beyond my reasoning---call it a gut reaction. Somehow I could sense the drift earlier on---the preternatural ease in which I can sense bad events is a trait that I have mostly kept tucked away until now.

Perhaps I am truly an avatar, a kind of supernatural being walking within the mortal realm, with a natural draw for both the miraculous and the condemned, and that somehow establishes some kind of cosmic balance that is beyond the level of human comprehension. Of course, it is also equally likely that I'm just a nut job and all that is said and done are just a bunch of coincidences.

Yet again I digress... it was a good thing that we broke up the time we did. At the very least, I managed to purge all the negative emotions out of myself within the early stages of my work (and also preparation for the next phase of my career/life), and to perhaps seal away the broken heart inside somewhere safe so that it can heal over more completely and be ready to accept the true love that might come its way again. But that is the future, and clairvoyance I have not.

So who am I actually? I cannot give a straightforward answer. I am who I am, I am not who I appear to be, and I am not who I think I might be. How does the future hold for me? Again, I appeal to the lack of clairvoyance, but the future is not bleak---there is much work to be done and much good to perform; it is in some senses a blessing to move onward without emotional baggages weighing one down.

That all said and done, the reason why I was feeling really down in the period succeeding the break-up is that the feeling felt then was not of a girlfriend breaking up with a boyfriend---it felt more like a wife of many years divorcing the husband, despite him being faithful and caring for her. That is the depth of my love for Ida, that is how much she affects me, both good and not-so-good. How about now, one might ask; how do I feel now and why do I seem a little calmer? I have not forgotten about Ida---far from it, I remember her even more. But the things I remember have the meanings changed over time to lessen the blows and the amount of effect they have on my affect. Indeed, one of the remedies of a break-up that is available in lore is to cast everything that reminds one of the other away so as to start afresh---I choose to learn to face things that remind me of her head-on so that I will actually end up dealing with the blow dealt instead of just denying myself the proper grieving.

Again, I digress.

Future huh... I've given my predictions. On the subject of my love life, I am not going to think too much about it---once one hits 25 years old (which I will be in nearly 5 more months) and is still unattached, chances are there will be little hope left about the love life anyway, so I might as well concentrate on doing things that I can still do. More pertinently, given the volatility of the macro-state-of-affairs, it is unlikely that any relationship begun here will lead to fruition; a similar argument can be made about when I'm not in Singapore.

So at the end of the day, I suppose that it is into the hands of Fate that will see if I end up settling down in this life or not.