Ruminations Again

I'm either one troubled monkey or this is really a good day to be writing stuff. Three posts less than 12 hours between them---something must definitely be up.

So anyway, there's lots of doom and gloom about my life ever since last year, but I hope that it won't be the case this year. Things are going to kick into full gear very soon, and it may very well be the case that I get swept off my feet in keeping up with whatever I have to deal with.

But the year hasn't really begun well. Already I feel anything but completely refreshed---there seems to be a part of me that craves for company and yet there is a greater part of me that tells me to just suck it down and not whinge like a fool. It seems only like yesterday when I first packed my bags and headed out for study, with a group of almost like-minded compatriots, each to different parts of the world to partake in a little cultural exchange and most definitely to learn whatever we can, given the types of constraints that we had to deal with from the official front.

Now, almost a year and a half later, I find myself here alone, wandering the desert like the nomads of old. The cohort had moved on, while I had been left behind. It is not as though I had found enough similarities between them and I to feel any strong sense of sentimentality, but it remained to a certain degree that we were once walking along the same road. Except that now, our paths have diverged, and while most of them were still on the highway, I'm trekking through the tundra on the other side of the world.

I've always felt like an outside amongst them. That has been a consistent theme throughout my life---the outsider. Ronin. Masterless. Aloof. Some may call it the uniqueness that is my individuality, while sometimes I just call it being too damn weird for my own good. Anyway, I felt like an outsider amongst them, partly because of our differing ways, partly because of a little bit of inferiority complex. In my mind, it always seemed that everyone was in a better condition that I was, everyone seemed to be in the right place at the right time, while I always felt as though I were given a lot of raw chances, so raw that I had to carve out my own route. And at times, it does get very tiring to play catch up, just because I have to expand so much energy.

Well, it's the new year now. Maybe I don't have to worry about these things any more. Who knows?